You + Me = Meant to Be

Two month mark again, hahaha this is becoming habit.

So, that guy my last post was about. What a fuckin' joke. I always make things seem better than what they are. It was evident after our second hang-out, when I wouldn't give in to the sex-act that things wouldn't progress at all. It is only now in retrospect that I've seen a pattern in me. That pattern, one of being infatuated with someone and letting them seemingly get the better of me. Thinking that they are the absolute and for what? At a cost of my self-worth. A pattern I've stopped!

As the Universe would have it, meeting the above person was exactly what I needed to loosen the noose around my neck in trying to find the perfect Being for me, as a partner. Perfection does not exist. There is perfectly imperfect, which is exactly the place where I am... meaning I fit into this. And I think we all do. There is also... perfect for me and I have found him. :)

Thinking about him and the stuff we've been through so far makes me feel incredibly lucky. We've been going together for about a month. It's all new to me, as this is my first relationship. I met him at a time I was trying to see the best in the world and realizing that everything that is meant to be, will be. It was very tough for me at that time. But I did it, I got through that cornerstone in my life and I am happy, finally. I would say for sometime, like for the entire summer, really I have tried to see the brighter side of any situation. In that, it brought happiness, but there was always a part of me that  felt maybe I would be alone, or be one of those women who find the Love of their Life at age 40. Instead though, I find him at the ripe age of 26! What a miracle!  I cannot believe I have. I am stiLL stunned, everyday that he exists!

And honestly ladies, for those of you reading this. There is hope. Maybe you are too rigid, like I was, in your lists of characteristics that you desire in your ideal mate. If you are more open-minded, which I thought I was, than you leave that wonderful golden door open for someone simply outstanding to walk through. He has for me, and he will for you too!  My last posting, I wrote that that guy was pure magik (this is me being far too kind), he was not in the least. Although we all are magik. My boyfriend, my partner is the truest, most exhilarating kind of magik that ever has & ever will exist in my world. I Love you baby!

this is what's been going on...

AH... I miss you!!!

This is insane and I am craZy. CraZy in a totally and completely imperfect way!

So, it's been a couple months since my last post on this site. I am not as regular a writer here as I would like to be... I say this, I write this, often.

There have been many changes in my world over the past little while... I have become more confident in my BEing- BEcoming and with what I am currently sharing with the world. My art, in the form of DreamCatchers, jewelry and through my words. I do not know if this is a result of my most recent of escapades into the world of cannabis, or the homeopathic remedies I am taking. Either way I am very pleased. I have changed dramatically and I feel absolutely fantastic! It honestly feels like I am living the life I am meant to and this feels incredible!

I have had a number of..... this is content I will write about on my business blog.

Most recently in my personal little utopia, I have had the pleasure of meeting someone special. Whether he knows how much he has come to impact my life is another story. He is magick.

And it's tough to those of you who's eyes are reading this. I like him, A LOT and I understand we are only friends, which is challenging!

I am reading this wonderful book which is revealing so much more about me and my path, as I move forward. I care not to share so much of it here for fear of being too vulnerable. But it is amazing and I love all the connections I am finding with it and my life. As well as all the synchronisities happening lately.

This is my outlet...

to let the world know... a small fragment of the world know, what's been on my mind... So here it goes. People, some people, are so fuckin' annoying... Maybe it's me and my perception of things, I am not going to name names due to privacy purposes and in about a year's time, maybe even a few days time, these feelings will no longer be present in my BEing, or perhaps not as potent! Yet I feel the need to confess, to convey, to express myself and that is, when someone sends you a message, via facebook, online emails, a letter, anything... return the line of communication back to them, so the circle is complete. Even if it's just to say, "I have received your message I will respond later (* giving a time frame may be helpful)". Simple, yes? I think so.

How come courtesy seems to be lost in this regard then? I seriously do not get it!

Understandable that everyone has their life and not everyone has time like others, like myself, to sit down and write a message out in response to someone else,' yet c'mon... Please! :)

This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves in fact! I am respectful and I value my friendships, the people I communicate with... This apparently, seems to be a rarity and one in which I have yet to, both understand and accept. Maybe I need to surrender to whatever is and let things be as they are! :)

Given advances in technology, one can learn when someone has viewed a message, so it becomes a nuisance to know that someone has seen your contact with them, yet does not respond.

Oh well, whatever the will of the Universe is.

The title is the hardest part

Okay, I am going to just come right out and say it, spill the beans... hahahaha. I feel fuckin'' trapped. In my skin, in my bones, my flesh and in this fuckin' city. I wanna just take a car and drive, take a plane and fly, the train and ride, away from here. I would like to BE. To go and be on the land, with my Earth Mother, build a life near the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and start living.

I feel trapped today. Trapped into this never-ending cycle of wake, walk, ride, eat, shit, sleep, connect, etc and do it all over again..

Everyone seems to be moving on and I feel I ought to too. Start building, creating the life I would like to lead, instead of feeling stuck where I am and feeling like I am not getting, nor going anywhere.... K is no longer doing her shows, some good friends of mine are going to be moving in a few months.... and some others that I seem to just be getting to know, are also moving... everyone is moving on to bigger and better things for themselves and those in their lives.... It makes sense that instead of being left in the dust that I go and do my own thing too.

What a fuckin' day!

Hi Universe!

I am fuckin'  angry... Why? because I didn't make any sales today... I know, stupid yes?

Why do you have to give me days like this? Seriously? Yes, it's all learning and yes, it's all growing and there are endless fuckin' lessons, but can I just totally check out for a day? ... I think I am going to do exactly this, tomorrow and the next day, I need to take a ME day, just not do anything. Nothing fuckin' at all!

I know it's not about the money, but about creating and letting the creation flow. Honestly, it does get tiring when I make things and nobody, not yet is interested in liberating them, I would like to attract abundance to me and I already have plenty of it... I am abundant in living in the space I am, having food on the table, in the fridge, a bed to sleep in, people, a family that cares about me, an operable mind, two legs, two hands, two feet, eyes, a nose, a beautiful human form... I got a lot to be grateful for, but why oh why Universe, days like these can just go to hell! I understand this is all for me and not to me. But I still can't feel anything but angry... because I feel I am doing great things and when I don't make sales, it feels like it's all for nothing, not getting recognized, not appreciated, nothing... what are you trying to tell me Universe? Should I not be doing what I am doing? What does not making sales mean?

I need a hug.... Since mama bear is not home, I guess I'll seek it out elsewhere!

Thoughts for the day

Someone not too long ago told me I would fall in Love with a fair-haired man... Needless to say I am now bias toward fair-haired guys... This morning I went to go buy a muffin for my breakfast at this Italian Cafe/Eatery up the street from where I live. The individual who served me was none other than a fair-haired man... I will add, he had a tattoo on his left forearm. HOT!  Tattoos on men is a weakness of mine, admittedly... I have a bird tattoo on my chest and I just love it and love them in general. I think for everyone who has, there is a meaning behind their tattoo and it adds to the story that we are writing for ourSelves. I find this absolutely irresistible and rather interesting.

Anyways, I realized, as I tipped him $ .85 for placing a muffin into a bag and for cashing out my business transaction, which is his job, that I need to actually start putting myself FIRST. Instead of paying for something and then over tipping (helping someone else out) on my credit card, mind you... Always thinking of scraping money together for others without first considering my current financial situation.

Money right now is flowing to me in abundance. That is all I will say.

Even later today I intend on spending 5 bucks on books, which in a way is pocket change. Five bucks is 5 bucks, but I think of it as money that could otherwise be put toward a payment on my credit card. I don't really need the books... Perhaps, I do on some level...  But I am doing it because the content sounds interesting and as though it would be enriching. I am also doing it to help my friend out.

This morning, I didn't need that muffin either. But then again, maybe I did, on some level. Or maybe it wasn't about the muffin at all, but about me learning this very lesson to which I am sitting here, writing about... Maybe it was even about the guy... Who knows?

I got together with a friend yesterday and she was sharing with me that I need to stop living from ego. Apparently my desire to have a relationship has lead me down that path. I don't know what to say about it. I can't deny that's true. I don't desire a simple physical relationship.... I need something that is fulfilling and meaningful on all levels, something that with enrich the totality of my life as a two-legged, which very much includes the essence that is my Soul and Spirit.

This friend also shared that I need to be who I wish to attract... that one is a stop everything and think, thought-provoker...

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

Wow, it's nearly been a month since my last post. I wish I was more consistent writing here. Although there are things that I understand that need to be privately written about instead of sharing on a blog. In spite of the fact that you may or may not know those that read what you write because no one decides to comment... which is okay... to each their own! :)

So, for half of April and half of May, I was actually recovering from some sort of cold virus that was going around and had me sick for three weeks... This is probably the very first week I am starting to feel back to 100%...

And this wonderful thing that I have also been aiming to work on has been my healing package... My sister gifted me with this a few years back and it has helped me learn and grow evermore about myself. Particularly, toward a place of self-love and acceptance, which I am still very much learning to do and which is something that is also a lot more challenging, than it reads.

Basically, there are darknesses inside each of us that either make us feel cruddy, sad, mad, angry, envious; ultimately, "unloveable"; all the feelings we wish away. Yet the lesson behind each of those is important and accepting them as key components to one's Nature holds value. Yes, jealousy is an evil that can be seen as such - It is a consuming emotion that harbours hatred toward one's fellow wo/man, as opposed to love and it is always, only, ever about LOVE. Plus why waste good energy on showing, feeling jealous, when one can move passed those feelings and love that other Soul that helped their evolution along. It's such a process. Really it is and I am certainly learning each day, with new experiences and new interactions about myself, my emotional body, my shadow (as the darkness is often referred), Spirit and Soul and this EarthWalk we call Life.

In addition,  to the two aforementioned activity and Ill-ness having presented themselves in my life. I have also been busy with arranging to have a business website created by the lovely graphic designer & photographer that has been a part of my lives for-ever.

ANd it is officially online and I do intend to share it here in a few days. However, there have to be some tweaks made.

In speaking of my business and growth and learning. Yesterday I was vending at a Sale at the Native Centre. I really like those Sales and it is often a hit or miss. Yesterday I made some money and more than that I met some incredible people!

I also learned to shut my big mouth. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I divulge too much FREE information without wanting to. I know I most certainly am not an idiot, because being open and trusting people too easily is something that is a part of my Nature. I cannot see how trusting people is a bad thing. Insofar as I need to trust the right people and trust needs to be earned. Usually Spirit and Soul guides me to the release of information that, at the time,  I feel appropriate in sharing. It's also conditioning I have about sharing information too openly.... Funnily enough as I was typing the word "idiot", I was misspelling it it; "idoita", "iodit". Not purposefully, although perhaps it was on a subconscious level, as the way in which I was spelling it made me recall back to my childhood when daddy dearest would say, "idiota de merda". The translation of that is "idiot of shit", which comes off as something rather distasteful for a parent to say to one's child.

I don't blame him. And this is one of the many instances to which I write about in my Healing Package. As it has caused me to develop feelings of inner discontent with myself, at times. Or, has repercussioned off, into me feeling something else at a different time. Life is all about Healing... once one recognizes that... one is set for life!!!

So, what happened yesterday was something that I will likely write about on my business blog. Yet I will mention in passing here... that just because a question is asked does not mean one has to give the answer. I have a right to share what I want with those posing questions to me... I have a right to refuse to answer, politely of course. Yesterday was a case in point and something out of nothing. I am making it into a mountain, when it was only intended to be a mole-hill. A saying borrowed from my sister... for now, I'll let sleeping dogs lay.