So I caved and looked you up. I don't have any feelings of regret or anger toward either of you.... I just smile at you two together. It's good that you're happy and it seems to fit. Looking at one of your pictures, I thought to myself, "what was ever the big deal?"
My partner is in the waiting...
Friday, 22 August 2014
Yesterday's
Today I woke up angry.... I was doing fine when I went to work. Afterward though my anger thoroughly progressed! I wanted to feel it.... and feel it fully, I don't think I ever really got there... Although this entry, here and now is helping in that department, a little bit.
I'm doing slightly better now. Except as I am writing this all those feelings of anger are flooding back, because I haven't yet released them, or let them go, or fully felt them! Most of my feelings of anger are steaming from my current perceived lack of control, on the events of my life... This morning as I rode my bike to work, I thought of my future home, what it would look like, where it would be (the Eastern Coast) and I had a very vivid image in my head about me walking out the front door, and/or working in and around the house. It was a very clear vision and it felt incredible!
So, those were positive feelings I felt this morning!
When I get to work, all I was doing today, was helping with favours, simple enough, bow-tying..... OH boy, how one has no ideal, how challenging of a task bow-tying can be... Precision is everything and perfection is closely paired with that! Every single bow has to be perfect.... and that is not easy at all, considering one has their own idea of perfection and an expectation within themselves in order to produce x amount of perfect bows. Simply put, perfection is in the eye of the beholder! So, what one may deem perfect, another may not... But that aside, I think I did fairly well on bow-tying, it was extremely time consuming in getting those bows to my perfection.
I had the anticipation of finishing all these favours (approximately 117 in all), yet I spent too daunting of a time on each one, trying to get it just right and finished probably under half. Still, a great accomplishment, since I was working on my own. All in all, it's over and really has no bearing on my life anymore.
AFter my shift, I pick up my tip money... lovely I thought... pleasantly more than I was feeling I would receive. I had intentions of not spending it, but depositing it and making a payment toward my credit card. Unfortunately, I spent some of it... more than I was expecting (there's that word again!).
I finally get home, only to discover that there is not much in the way of food here for me to eat... "First world problems Natasza, first world problems!" I am, bottom line, thankful for the gifts today brought my way.... I'm going to stop here as I need not go on in my complainin' ways. But be appreciative and grateful for all that I do have because it is enough.
I will however, mention a few other things that have been on my mind lately.
1.) As I sat tying these bows today, I thought, "wow, how privileged are we, am I to be sitting here tying these bows and getting paid to do so (this is a thought I had just then, as I was writing this) and how privileged are the people in which these favours are for, to be able to afford them, for whatever occasion they are for, while others halfway around the world are struggling to survive!" Yes, it is this undercurrent of thought that makes it important to be thankful for all that one has. Always! Or, to spend some time in the attitude of gratitude daily.
2.) This one is slightly longer than the first one. I recently went through all my University stuff... I was getting rid of some things that really no longer have a place in my life, or my future (what purpose will it serve other than to take up space?). We're talking a box full of notes and ideas that I wrote down all throughout my past 4 years of University, in hopes that it would help me understand and grasp the concepts that I was taught. If only for that short period of time; the hour, the day, the week, the month, the semester, the year to which my brain absorbed this information.
As proof of my University degree, going in the recycling bin, I took a couple of pictures of all the paper I shredded and thought to myself, "wow, I wonder how many trees died in the name of my education!?" This really stuck with me... I mean I had so much scrap paper and so much shredded paper that it was difficult to digest that all for one and one for all took place, and I am nowhere near the only person who graduated this year, or in the history of all years, who took notes, printed lecture notes, slides, who ultimately, has also had a number of trees die in the name of their education too... In the end, all I wanted was ONE piece of paper, the one that says I now hold an Undergraduate Bachelor's degree in Arts and Contemporary Studies. And all these pieces of paper that were either shredded, scraped, or kept, all served their purpose in getting me that one sheet of paper, which is, in addition to all the money my post secondary education cost, meaningless to me now.
Sure, I gained plenty of experiences and met a lot of cool, interesting people, and people I could stand but not spend time with, as well as people that I would never see again... or maybe I will, but spending four years of my life in an institution that was founded on the pre, present and post colonial ideals of oppression, hits me the hardest! And I need to make my peace with this, because at the end of the day it was my choice to go to University. At the time I really wanted it and I was eager and it was what I needed. Had I not, I wouldn't have learned all that I have learned, met all that I have met and done so, all for my soul's progression on this Earth. My experiences were not ALL good, but they never are, the perceived "bad" things that occur in one's life, all take place for one to grow, learn, adapt, change, thrive and this is such a blessing. Everything leads to everything else and I am grateful for my path, exactly as it has occurred whether I attempt to deny that, feel indifferent, or not care, at the end of the day, I am thankful.
Big breath! Okay, now I am ready to get on with my day! Hope all of you are too! :)
I'm doing slightly better now. Except as I am writing this all those feelings of anger are flooding back, because I haven't yet released them, or let them go, or fully felt them! Most of my feelings of anger are steaming from my current perceived lack of control, on the events of my life... This morning as I rode my bike to work, I thought of my future home, what it would look like, where it would be (the Eastern Coast) and I had a very vivid image in my head about me walking out the front door, and/or working in and around the house. It was a very clear vision and it felt incredible!
So, those were positive feelings I felt this morning!
When I get to work, all I was doing today, was helping with favours, simple enough, bow-tying..... OH boy, how one has no ideal, how challenging of a task bow-tying can be... Precision is everything and perfection is closely paired with that! Every single bow has to be perfect.... and that is not easy at all, considering one has their own idea of perfection and an expectation within themselves in order to produce x amount of perfect bows. Simply put, perfection is in the eye of the beholder! So, what one may deem perfect, another may not... But that aside, I think I did fairly well on bow-tying, it was extremely time consuming in getting those bows to my perfection.
I had the anticipation of finishing all these favours (approximately 117 in all), yet I spent too daunting of a time on each one, trying to get it just right and finished probably under half. Still, a great accomplishment, since I was working on my own. All in all, it's over and really has no bearing on my life anymore.
AFter my shift, I pick up my tip money... lovely I thought... pleasantly more than I was feeling I would receive. I had intentions of not spending it, but depositing it and making a payment toward my credit card. Unfortunately, I spent some of it... more than I was expecting (there's that word again!).
I finally get home, only to discover that there is not much in the way of food here for me to eat... "First world problems Natasza, first world problems!" I am, bottom line, thankful for the gifts today brought my way.... I'm going to stop here as I need not go on in my complainin' ways. But be appreciative and grateful for all that I do have because it is enough.
I will however, mention a few other things that have been on my mind lately.
1.) As I sat tying these bows today, I thought, "wow, how privileged are we, am I to be sitting here tying these bows and getting paid to do so (this is a thought I had just then, as I was writing this) and how privileged are the people in which these favours are for, to be able to afford them, for whatever occasion they are for, while others halfway around the world are struggling to survive!" Yes, it is this undercurrent of thought that makes it important to be thankful for all that one has. Always! Or, to spend some time in the attitude of gratitude daily.
2.) This one is slightly longer than the first one. I recently went through all my University stuff... I was getting rid of some things that really no longer have a place in my life, or my future (what purpose will it serve other than to take up space?). We're talking a box full of notes and ideas that I wrote down all throughout my past 4 years of University, in hopes that it would help me understand and grasp the concepts that I was taught. If only for that short period of time; the hour, the day, the week, the month, the semester, the year to which my brain absorbed this information.
As proof of my University degree, going in the recycling bin, I took a couple of pictures of all the paper I shredded and thought to myself, "wow, I wonder how many trees died in the name of my education!?" This really stuck with me... I mean I had so much scrap paper and so much shredded paper that it was difficult to digest that all for one and one for all took place, and I am nowhere near the only person who graduated this year, or in the history of all years, who took notes, printed lecture notes, slides, who ultimately, has also had a number of trees die in the name of their education too... In the end, all I wanted was ONE piece of paper, the one that says I now hold an Undergraduate Bachelor's degree in Arts and Contemporary Studies. And all these pieces of paper that were either shredded, scraped, or kept, all served their purpose in getting me that one sheet of paper, which is, in addition to all the money my post secondary education cost, meaningless to me now.
Sure, I gained plenty of experiences and met a lot of cool, interesting people, and people I could stand but not spend time with, as well as people that I would never see again... or maybe I will, but spending four years of my life in an institution that was founded on the pre, present and post colonial ideals of oppression, hits me the hardest! And I need to make my peace with this, because at the end of the day it was my choice to go to University. At the time I really wanted it and I was eager and it was what I needed. Had I not, I wouldn't have learned all that I have learned, met all that I have met and done so, all for my soul's progression on this Earth. My experiences were not ALL good, but they never are, the perceived "bad" things that occur in one's life, all take place for one to grow, learn, adapt, change, thrive and this is such a blessing. Everything leads to everything else and I am grateful for my path, exactly as it has occurred whether I attempt to deny that, feel indifferent, or not care, at the end of the day, I am thankful.
Big breath! Okay, now I am ready to get on with my day! Hope all of you are too! :)
Friday, 8 August 2014
Belated Birthday greeting
So I received your birthday note in the mail today... why I feel angry is this.... you sense bitterness... how, dare, you! As early as 15 minutes ago I was harbouring real punch-walls kind of anger. Now, probably in part because I am listening to calming, soothing music I no longer feel those feelings of rage and contempt!
There are a number of reasons why I was feeling the way I was on my birthday...Although there is absolutely no point in rehashing that all here. Plus I do not wish to share that with you, I do not need to explain my feelings away, until I am blue in the face!!!! C'mon, we're barely there for one another anymore. I don't really know who you are, although I have some minor knowledge in that department. And I am completely okay with us not being friends... and I also gotta say I sensed you might be sending me something in the mail... because in all honesty, I was starting to ask myself, "how could she have forgotten my birthday". Our dynamic is very interesting...
Essentially what it comes down to, in how I am these days, is feeling disappointed with where my life is right now... it is not where I would like it to be, but the good news is that it is exactly where it needs to be for the time being and I am making my peace with that. There is no need to hold negative feelings toward you because you are out and traveling, making money, being outside, meeting incredible people; "beautiful souls" (is what you mentioned in your note), all activities to which I would love to entertain... yet find it difficult because the people I meet seem to be interested in things I am not (to put it gently) and that's okay too, everyone is on their path. I do not need to feel jealousy toward you because you are doing things that I would like to be doing, because I am exactly where I need to be and you are as well, right where you need to be.
Even though your heart may be very much in the right place I do not care to share with you the going-ons of my life, because I feel I am not in a good place... but I am in reality. I am somewhere between feeling happy and content, to almost getting there too, if that is a possibility. I seem to have made it one... I need to continually remind myself to accept what is, make peace with it, and focus on my desires.. as there are plenty and plenty of this life, I would like to enjoy... So instead of wallowing in bitterness and anger and scorn, I might as well put my energy to good use and do something that will make my heart sing and that includes some of my daily tasks for the day! Furthermore, detail has no place in our friendship.... I've realized that being concise with you is perfect!
There are a number of reasons why I was feeling the way I was on my birthday...Although there is absolutely no point in rehashing that all here. Plus I do not wish to share that with you, I do not need to explain my feelings away, until I am blue in the face!!!! C'mon, we're barely there for one another anymore. I don't really know who you are, although I have some minor knowledge in that department. And I am completely okay with us not being friends... and I also gotta say I sensed you might be sending me something in the mail... because in all honesty, I was starting to ask myself, "how could she have forgotten my birthday". Our dynamic is very interesting...
Essentially what it comes down to, in how I am these days, is feeling disappointed with where my life is right now... it is not where I would like it to be, but the good news is that it is exactly where it needs to be for the time being and I am making my peace with that. There is no need to hold negative feelings toward you because you are out and traveling, making money, being outside, meeting incredible people; "beautiful souls" (is what you mentioned in your note), all activities to which I would love to entertain... yet find it difficult because the people I meet seem to be interested in things I am not (to put it gently) and that's okay too, everyone is on their path. I do not need to feel jealousy toward you because you are doing things that I would like to be doing, because I am exactly where I need to be and you are as well, right where you need to be.
Even though your heart may be very much in the right place I do not care to share with you the going-ons of my life, because I feel I am not in a good place... but I am in reality. I am somewhere between feeling happy and content, to almost getting there too, if that is a possibility. I seem to have made it one... I need to continually remind myself to accept what is, make peace with it, and focus on my desires.. as there are plenty and plenty of this life, I would like to enjoy... So instead of wallowing in bitterness and anger and scorn, I might as well put my energy to good use and do something that will make my heart sing and that includes some of my daily tasks for the day! Furthermore, detail has no place in our friendship.... I've realized that being concise with you is perfect!
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