How am I supposed to have known what was going on tonight, that you had intended for us to come over if there were no words exchanged between the two of us?  There is such a fuckin' lack of communication in this world..... CALLING me would be more ideal, but then again, who's to say I would have picked up right????

And things are not going well at all in my life..... I don't want to go to school for things that I have no interest in pursing a career in, I'm working a minimum wage job (who wants to be doing that???? Really? Even just for the time being?), I'm already in debt, my family is not at all where I feel they should be, our dynamic is so distorted and I wanna know where our train fell off the tracks, even though I already know a little bit about where we derailed, my house is literally falling apart (that's what happens when you live somewhere all your life and there are no renovations done), NOT TO MENTION my love life is non-existent.... no one that I want to be with wants to be with me, and that makes me feel sad and makes tears start to develop in my eyes because I am terrified, terrified at being lonely. I have a connection with someone and BAM, it's gone in an instant because they were too cowardly to face the music, tell me I need to start to open up more so they can get close to me or connect with me more, tell me, "yeah, Natasza we really should go for drinks" or "You, know what I am actually really worried about the people at work being too involved", tell me, "I'm dealing with a lot right now, I like you but I'm not ready to be involved with anyone just yet, I have far too much of my own shit to handle, I'm sorry."  It's one thing after the other, after the other, after the other, and I know "they" (who are "they" anyway?) say things fall into place in all the right time, but where is the timing on my part, I feel I'm at a loss.... a loss, for explaining myself, for trying to understand what is going on in my life, for trying to live a life of happiness and of least resistance, because it's so hard for me to ignore all the things that effect me, negatively and positively, but in a profound way... Life sucks sometimes!!!