Title, tantalizing.

Today,  is a day I feel like I would almost like to forget. But, first off, it's only just begun and secondly, it's very necessary for my development.

I am really bothered and it feels like I have no one to turn to. So, I am turing to my blog, which I have not written in or seen, in a little over a year. Wow!

Alright, I only have about a half hour to write down my thoughts and hit, submit so here goes.

I great friend of mine, actually she is my friend's mom, who I have come to love and adore and respect much like I would a great friend, hence the title attributed to her, anyways she told me about a month ago how important it is to write and the more I do it the more I will become better at it. Great advice, because I would really like to improve.

So today...

My sister is back from spending the past few days at her boyfriend's, yes she is usually gone Friday and Saturday nights. Okay, I thought, my energy will be able to be replenished and I will be different once she returns.

Nope, uh, uh. Think again Natasza.

For some reason this new found transitional stage that she has acquired since the passing of her latest anxiety episode has left me feeling like she has a superiority complex. I know it is my feeling and my development of this in my mind, but I hate it.... Her attitude has definitely changed- more smug, complacent and might I add, overwhelming. Perhaps I am feeling slight jealousy, as her moods get lighter and carefree and mine are dragged around behind me like the caboose of a train (no-body really would like it to be there, but it is there anyway). You know what they say about jealousy right? "Jealousy is just a feeling attributed to having an unresolved issue within yourself." (I cannot remember who said this, but it is my understanding of some of the quotes on jealousy, that I have read-compiled together,  I am sure.)

Needless to say I should be happy for her, right? Happy that the anxiety has passed yet again? I cannot help but feel a little bitter and little resentment toward her. She has all this time to do absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time. I am ridden with stress these days; school, work,  even my yoga centre and the strife of whether or not I should stay there, has got me wailing like a dog.... to paint a picture of a highly stressed out person.

Just breathe, breathe.

My sister is entitled to her space, to have a curtain up to create and maintain her privacy. It is only a human right, right?

With the passing weeks, is seems like her and I have lost "sister and sister" status. For I really feel like I do not even have a sister.  Like I am disregarded and ignored, it's all about her. She is off in the clouds somewhere, in her own world and I am right here on Earth, trying to balance my life; my spirituality, my desire to complete my bA, and my desire to do so in the most loose manner. And she does not even make an attempt to include me in her processing-out completely-of-her-anxiety. She has so much dependence and reliance on our mom and it is not right. I feel. Yes, we all have our hang-ups, our issues that are ingrained in our tissues if we allow them to rule us, and our secrets that we like to hide. And it's a wonderful feeling if we could share these with someone. But in all fairness I do not like how my sister is slowly but surely pushing our sisterhood to the edge of the cliff. Not really noticing, or not willing to pay attention. I know things are a two way street and that I should share this information with her, but you know..... I feel she also really does know what she is doing. Somwhere, subconsciously, she does. After all, she is in the situation herself. I just seem to be the other party. Not trying to play the victim and vigilante here, just stating facts, from my perspective.

That's about it, I'd say. There are most likely hints of sadness and pain, in what I have written, as not having a sister, much less a lot of people to share things with is painful, but such is my life.

I feel better already having shared this with the world, yet, no-one at the same time (No-one because does anyone actually read these?)

Now that I have written this I realize how small I am being. hahaha. Writing is therapy, isn't it?