Disclaimer: This is highly personal and can get very deep.
I like you. Or maybe I like the idea of liking you....Either way, I feel attached to you because my emotional investment in "this" has been for a greater period of time than I would really care to admit. In June, perhaps even in May, is when it started. When I first saw you, your beautiful blue eyes, your big, open, clean, pure heart, your kindness & compassion. All of this and so many other undefinable things were just there, present in your BEingness. I was so excited and in AWE to witness it everyday, or nearly everyday. It brought joy to my heart and a smile to my face. It was bliss, it is bliss knowing you.
I would like to feel something more than what I do right now. I feel neutral about a lot of things.... the prevalence of this stagnant energy is consuming. I would like to do something so passionately spontaneous that it blows your socks right off - by the skin of your teeth. Hahaha. I'm doing good- in an excellent mood today.
I love spending time with you, getting to know you is all so invigorating. The first night I caught myself thinking, "wow, this is actually happening. He is sitting right next to me, I can't believe it!"And then there's this thing that's keeping me reserved and yet keeping me coming back for more - it's fear btw, partially. I'm scared, terrified actually of receiving what it is I feel I deserve. And thinking about this just makes me cry. That is the side of me, my emotions that are overflowing yet "difficult to explain" (or, so I would like to believe). I feel there is a side of me not opening up because of that fear of me getting hurt.... well, boyah Natasza, because as much as we try to prevent hurt and pain, it happens, pain is growth's evil twin. In essence, pain is good.
I'm trying to work around this idea that things unravel as they need to. They do, they really do. After-all, the Universe is wonderful, as many times I try to deny it or her beauty I know that she is great, a beautiful crazy mystery. And I have lived to love absolutely every minute of it.... In spite of feeling otherwise at times.
Yes there is your life and my life, naturally there needs to be. We are all walking our own paths and need the freedom to do so. I am battling in a long way to begin mine. Find my truth, or accept my truth and come to some decision as to how I will aspire to make it ALL happen. That is something else that is taking place in my life, pretty much there, in it's full frickin' throttle.
I've asked my guides... Our lives are interwoven my friend, for the worse and for the better. I'm ready for it or, maybe I have to convince myself that I am. But I'm here and I'm doing things that I need to do, as are you. The blood line, you're a part of my life now, perhaps it's my tenacity but I'm not letting go anytime soon.
I've been listening to this song, throughout the duration of me writing this entry.... I've come to believe it's very fitting.
P.S.
This is me, a part of who I am
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