today is

your Birthday!

Your privacy has turned into evasiveness, madness even... Is it you or is it me that keeps on wedging us further and further apart?....Both, probably.

I am not perfect, I know this... so, am I to bring this up with you and recognize simply that it is your path, to do what you will, as you intend to do it? I am not identifying as a victim, I refuse to, I feel though you're ignoring me. Perhaps I need to be more direct with my feelings and share them with you?? You are changing, I am changing, we are all changing... for the better and all as we are meant to.

A part of me is saying, I don't deserve this, but I know that it is not something you are doing to me, trying to at least, on purpose. It is my perception of it all, your energy, your vibration, your actions when you are around me and how that subsequently makes me feel.  I understand, you are doing what you need to do, for you. Being selfish is good, it is. Sometimes. But then again it is lonely, I feel lonely. Part of that is my own doing, actually to be more accurate, all of it is.  But it is really lonely to be so close to someone yet, so far from them at the same time. I have mentioned this on more then one occasion.

This is difficult because I feel like our communication is becoming lax again. You do not know my plans, I do not know yours. I do and I do not like this. I like this because it keeps my plans private- what is the point of sharing something with someone when they are not going to be receptive of it? I do not like this because you seem to think you have a lot of time... and while time is a manmade construct and we must change our relationship and ties with time, I do not intend to be here in the fall, so whatever it is you have in your mind, your plan to be a certain somewhere at a certain time, well, I may not be there to experience what it is you would like me to experience, with or without you.  I am not trying to be harsh, simply realistic.

I'm hurt, no doubt, by this and especially seeing you everyday without the same relationship we used to have is a living reminder of that pain and I don't like that one bit.

It's frustrating and annoying, and beautiful and craZy, and wonderful and terrifying and happy and sad and nerve-wracking and exhilarating  all at the same time to want to have control over the uncontrollable.         I don't know what to do about it.    Need I approach or retreat?

I'm trying to go with the flow and see where things go, but that is proving rather challenging...

It's hard to divorce yourself from something that you are so intimately connected to, distance yourself from it.... Blarg.