why? Why? WHy? WHY? fuckin' Why? Just why?

When did life get so damn hard!!!! Seriously, all the people around me seem to make it look so easy... they've mastered the art of walking their paths... What about me? I feel like I am lost and left in the dust- standing there, motionless, stationary, stagnant!

Yes, I am fully aware that I am the ONLY one that can change my own path, get it to where I would like it to be and be continually moving forward. In order to do so I need to first acknowledge this grand responsibility that I have, I need to alter my thoughts, and stay positive! I know all of this and do not need others to point it out to me. How patronizing that feels. I do not appreciate it, but I understand that maybe they just need to hear their own voice say it out loud to someone within their immediate circle, within their proximity, so they can acknowledge it & it's presence within their own life.

Today is just one of those days where you begin to feel all the weight that you've been placing on your shoulders.... so to start off with the wonderful release of all this big, great and ugly feelings that I do not wish to acknowledge, or even state outright, I will say the following...

I feel trapped. Stuck somewhere I don't want to be! I"m 24 years old and I don't even know how to take care of myself.... I mean, in this world. Not personally... Yes, I've had a hard life, but if I was not sheltered in the way I was and still am... I have a room, correction, two rooms in a house with a family, parents that are as supportive as they can be with food. Clothing, enough of it. But I have no job, and I live in Toronto, which is an expensive city. So even though I have a place to live, and food (although different from my standards of nutritious) I don't know how I would be surviving in this world without my parents and that makes me feel like crying, because it makes me feel like I am not ready, not ready to grow up, move out and move on with my own life that I am responsible for co-creating. It's frightening. Who is ever ready for anything anyways? AND THAT starts NOW. Every thought I have, every choice I make, every action I take to get where I need to be is helping me to build and create the life of my dreams!

I can say that I am barely scrapping by with the basics, but that wouldn't be a fair statement because some people have it a lot worse than I do, really. And I do appreciate and am so incredibly thankful for all of what I have. It may not always be easy to see.... But I am grateful for all of it!

Today especially, I've been thinking about where I would be if.... that question that haunts, even the most confident and surefire person.. What if I didn't go to McMaster? What if I didn't go to Ryerson? What if... what if.... what if???? This is a line of regretful thinking that I do not like to have because I am where I need to be in my life right now, even if for the time being, it is in this dark hole. All the growth and all of the wonderful souls I have met along the way, I cannot say with certainty that my life would be the same without them, or without the opportunity to have met them, which I may not have done, if I made a different decision, took a left turn instead of a right turn... I may or may not have met the people I have, may not have decided to get the tattoo I have, may not have made the money I did to take that trip I did, to get me that gorgeous tattoo... My life could be very different than what it is now, excellent or tragic.... but I will never know those things because I am presently living my life as it is, NOW. The regretful thinking is unbeneficial because where is it going to get me... it does not serve my highest and greatest good! It just doesn't. My life is exactly as it needs to be, for a REASON! I need to grow and change, and break and grow and change some more. Growth and change is the wheel that keeps turning in perpetual motion.

With this new found feeling of entrapment. I do feel there is so much that I need to change, an entire revamping of my WHOLE existence, my WHOLE world, my WHOLE Universe... I need to change my thinking so that my vibration and energy can be one that is in alignment with positivity and invitation to good things in my life (that is the ultimate change-up! And it is an on-going, day-to-day process. Thus gradual progress will be made.)... Going with the flow of whatever comes my way is an important lesson that I need to be better at mastering, accepting! I feel I do that but only to a certain extent, I am open to the good but not the bad. I do not want to be, there had been a lot of negative connotations with the bad that I do not wish for myself, but I need to let it go, because there is a lot of change and growth that happens and spawns from the bad, the darkness.

When bad times come a'knocking I am not open to receiving them, because who wants to live in the darkness? Just because darkness arises in one's life doesn't necessarily mean that one will live there, but this is one lesson, one teaching that is challenging for me. For now, I am developing some knowledge, the knowledge I need to welcome this lesson, to better understand it but it is one lesson that requires plenty of time, patience and gentleness. One that I need to be openly expansive to.

I know I need to embrace the darkness more in my life...After all, one cannot have light without the dark and it is crucial to my BEingness that I invite the darkness into my life, so I can recognize it's presence, thank it and release it, until I see it in a new and different form later on and then rework with it then. This time in my life has got to be one of the hardest, I'll admit it! It feels like where one has hit rock bottom, I am beneath the rocks... I'd rather be mingling with my friends than beneath them, but it feels like anything and everything I do, I am doing it wrong... YES, again with this fuckin' dichotomy that I have already visited in my mind and through meditative practice have discovered it's origins- none other, than my father's parenting style.

It feels like all of what I am feeling, isn't positive and that that is an incredibly bad thing... who the fuck has only positive thoughts? Not even an optimist I can guarantee you! That is what we call dancing with the light and the dark of our lives, embracing both equally, so our dance is balanced, the dance is never perfect, their are kinks and bends and twists of the most dramatic and drastic nature.. creating a seemingly disequilibrium and discomfort to the dancer, but to those watching... a magnificent and beautiful sight to see. All those kinks, bends and twists, it is all a part of the grand dance. No-one dances the same, ever! There is no expectation of that! It's all done through one's unique time, and the music never stops, even when one thinks it does, it just means there is a break, an instrumental one. But dancers need breaks too, they just need to zone out, pass out, shut off and turn down.... the resting is a part of the grand dance too, it's the gift that makes all of our steps visible to us, possible and beautiful.

My life would be different if I had a job or some money rolling in so that I could be busy with other things... But than if that were the case all of what is at the forefront of my life right now, would probably be on the back burner and I would be avoiding dealing with things I need to deal with and that would not be a good thing. The sooner my proverbial closet gets cleaned, the better. There need only be a pair of socks hanging, ready for the walk, the run, the climb. Does that ever happen to you? when you feel so overwhelmed with things you would much rather and prefer to not even acknowledge them at all? But close the door to everything, even if it may be good things knocking on your door...

I feel like being silent until I figure my life out, being present but to myself. A sheer impossibility, yes. I have a voice though and tons of thoughts running through my brain and many feelings expanding and decompressing my heart that need to be expressed whether I would like them to be or not.

I've realized, looking for work sucks but I've also been thinking more and more that I need to start co-creating my business, my world, in which I would like to live in and start doing so NOW. There is no time like the present! The truth of the matter is that I do not want to work for anyone but myself and me looking for work continually is wasting my time instead of using that time to co-create my dream job. It's scary, for sure, building, doing things that are entirely out of my comfort zone. It is nothing close to what I am used to doing and I do not know the first thing about being my own boss, but what is so damn hard about it???? NOTHING, as far as I can see. I need to fly, fly, away, start creating... instead of attempting to run, avoid, not handle what is right in front of me and being presented as wonderful gifts to unwrap. I'm ready for the next step. It sure did take me a long time to get here, heck it's taken me all day to write this post, but all well worth it. Feels loads better.

There I think I have turned myself inside out on that one!

I feel lighter. Yay to writing. :)

Hard to Handle...

So I added an okcupid account and a few days later after realizing it wasn't for me. I deleted it. I don't want to be a hypocrite, contradictory, or not be true to myself and re-add it because that is foolish. In spite of my half desire to do so.

There is this one guy who I cannot get out of my head.... A little voice in me is saying "... Go for it. Re-add your account, message him and be done with it. Otherwise you will be wondering, what if?" But the problem is, I have strong convictions and beliefs about how I will meet my partner. NONE of them include online dating. It may be seen as what to do today, in this world. But I have hope for face-to-face run ins and colliding with a soul that you are meant to. No matter where you are in your life. If it's meant to be, it will be. Right place, right time, I will meet you there. Maybe I was meant to see his profile, know that he rated me highly, and to later run into him IN, get this, person...?

Anyways, the justification I tell myself, is I am not ready to be in a relationship. IN fact, I am terrified of what it would be like to be with someone else. I have been with myself for such a long time and I am so incredibly used to my independence. Sharing my time and energy with another could be challenging, but also wonderfully beautiful. That is not to say necessarily that we would immediately be in a relationship, as soon as I were to message him. I mean, after all it's just getting to know someone new. But, to be honest, I'm still working on myself...I know, I know, when is one not working on themselves, right?... but this is something, a healing part of me; my life; my journey that is long overdue, necessary to be completed in order to excel in the future. I have been gifted with having a sister that has shared things with me so that I may improve myself and I absolutely intend on focusing on that and following through.

Also, I know that no-one is ever really ready for some of the things that happen in their lives, things just happen and people are forced to go with it, step, jump, crawl, walk, run, skip out of their comfort zones.

And that is another reason I added an account on okcupid, because it would be me fucking running out of my cave of comfort, so fast my shoes fall off. Since, I would be meeting or, hoping to meet some of those I meet online, in person, eventually & that would push me into unfamiliar territory. A scary, but also necessary place. Maybe not as coercive as I am making it out to be, but something that needs to happen, perhaps more gently...The other thing I have, as a hang up, a problem perhaps, is that instead of searching for a mate online, which is very much akin to shopping for one, the amaZing synchronicity of the Universe is to place you on a path that you come in alignment with all others, with whom you are meant to. Love happens naturally, not naturally selected based on a questionnaire one filled out on a dating site. My idea of courting, of dating, is a time frame (agreed upon by both parties) where a mutual interest to get to know one another is present and made clear through asking questions and inquiring, from both ends, in hopes that they will discover their compatibility with one another, however large or small a percentage it might be. Thus moving forward, but technology has rapidly changed that... I am still deciding whether or not to re-add my account just so I can message the guy. But remaining true to my own person, says "no" already. Actually, screams it! Anyways we shall see.