So I added an okcupid account and a few days later after realizing it wasn't for me. I deleted it. I don't want to be a hypocrite, contradictory, or not be true to myself and re-add it because that is foolish. In spite of my half desire to do so.
There is this one guy who I cannot get out of my head.... A little voice in me is saying "... Go for it. Re-add your account, message him and be done with it. Otherwise you will be wondering, what if?" But the problem is, I have strong convictions and beliefs about how I will meet my partner. NONE of them include online dating. It may be seen as what to do today, in this world. But I have hope for face-to-face run ins and colliding with a soul that you are meant to. No matter where you are in your life. If it's meant to be, it will be. Right place, right time, I will meet you there. Maybe I was meant to see his profile, know that he rated me highly, and to later run into him IN, get this, person...?
Anyways, the justification I tell myself, is I am not ready to be in a relationship. IN fact, I am terrified of what it would be like to be with someone else. I have been with myself for such a long time and I am so incredibly used to my independence. Sharing my time and energy with another could be challenging, but also wonderfully beautiful. That is not to say necessarily that we would immediately be in a relationship, as soon as I were to message him. I mean, after all it's just getting to know someone new. But, to be honest, I'm still working on myself...I know, I know, when is one not working on themselves, right?... but this is something, a healing part of me; my life; my journey that is long overdue, necessary to be completed in order to excel in the future. I have been gifted with having a sister that has shared things with me so that I may improve myself and I absolutely intend on focusing on that and following through.
Also, I know that no-one is ever really ready for some of the things that happen in their lives, things just happen and people are forced to go with it, step, jump, crawl, walk, run, skip out of their comfort zones.
And that is another reason I added an account on okcupid, because it would be me fucking running out of my cave of comfort, so fast my shoes fall off. Since, I would be meeting or, hoping to meet some of those I meet online, in person, eventually & that would push me into unfamiliar territory. A scary, but also necessary place. Maybe not as coercive as I am making it out to be, but something that needs to happen, perhaps more gently...The other thing I have, as a hang up, a problem perhaps, is that instead of searching for a mate online, which is very much akin to shopping for one, the amaZing synchronicity of the Universe is to place you on a path that you come in alignment with all others, with whom you are meant to. Love happens naturally, not naturally selected based on a questionnaire one filled out on a dating site. My idea of courting, of dating, is a time frame (agreed upon by both parties) where a mutual interest to get to know one another is present and made clear through asking questions and inquiring, from both ends, in hopes that they will discover their compatibility with one another, however large or small a percentage it might be. Thus moving forward, but technology has rapidly changed that... I am still deciding whether or not to re-add my account just so I can message the guy. But remaining true to my own person, says "no" already. Actually, screams it! Anyways we shall see.
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