Last night I went out. I haven't in forever! It was a reunion/welcome back party type event. It was good. Usually in groups, it takes me a while to really open up. Especially since it was more of a sit down and chat kind of venue. I have to feel comfortable first. Last night is a case in point and not like I needed to really justify or explain myself, because I am going through a lot of changes in my life and generally no explanations are ever needed, but I shared this with our special guest. It felt strange to be sitting there and feel more comfortable with one-on-one interactions. The expectations I have of myself are fairly high, and I need to constantly be reminded to be gentle, it does no one good esp. yourself to be hard on yourself.
Anyways I have a confession to make that I am only willing to make here, in the safety of my own blog... I used to work with someone whom I adored, and I still adore. He sat next to me. It felt great! However, he is and has been involved in a relationship for a while now.... a solid 6-7 years. And I am not the type of person to share feelings with someone in the chance that they would end up leaving me in the least desirable position, especially given one's current partnership. I respect him enough to know that he is happy and that makes me feel good. Sure, part of me wishes it was with me, but we're all growing up and growing apart and thats okay. With him there was always a sense of comfort because it was easy to talk to him and we got along great. Last night was an exception to that because it was my first social gathering in a long time and I'm adjusting to that... If I did it on a regular basis it would be totally different, but I felt all round awkward.... but again gentleness is good! And awkwardness, even better! :)
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