Something to write home about!

Dear Epstein*,

I sought out a job at your shoppe with the intention of it working out, for the both of us. I was unaware that things would turn and I would realize I do not like it as much as I had originally hoped I would. I was really looking forward to learning a great deal of what I had not been exposed to, prior to commencing my employment with you. Along with, helping you out as a sole proprietor.

I was looking for a small business that I could learn and grow from, so that I could develop my own. This did not happen. Perhaps, neither of us gave it a chance. Perhaps, we gave it just the chance it needed. There was so much going on and at a rate faster than what I am really willing to go at. Because of this, I decided the work environment (at your shoppe) was far too stressful for me... I put pressure on myself, you put pressure on me, some of this coming from both of us was visible and invisible alike, yet it was present nonetheless.

Who likes pressure? Who likes stress?

Although people may be accustomed to that, as it accompanies most, if not all "work" environments and people have succumbed to that pressure and have forfeited their sanity, their well being, their energy and vibration, for work's sake. I am an individual to which I love myself too much to put myself through anything less than what I deserve! I DESERVE TO BE ALIGNED WITH MY SOULS GREATEST AND HIGHEST GOOD~ MY CALLING IN LIFE! We all deserve this!

I did not intend for it to be this way. Although there are no hard feelings or ill thoughts harboured on my behalf against you, there are some things you ought to know and I would like to, I will, share them here.

When I first started, yes I was excited, beyond belief, eager even because I had found, I had thought I had found a place that I could situate myself and both parties would benefit equally. Little did I know, although I quickly learned, which caused my feelings of excitement and eagerness to dissipate, this was going to be very different from the expectations I had, although did not convey. This is why expectations are ill-fated because one can either be disappointed or overjoyed as to how what they wanted, turned out. I don't feel particularly disappointed. In fact, I feel quite happy that I've decided to do what I have- resign, although the repercussions of that decision seem to be rather unpleasant. As much as the both of us would like for it to be okay, there appears to be an incongruency, resulting in us to feel well, tense around one another...and a little (if not a lot) off put by each other.

Anyways... expectations, speaking of which, yours of me and how long it would take a newbe sales person to get acquainted with sales lingo, your sales approach, everything that you could ask and want in the "perfect" sales person, well, your expectations were very unclear... In fact, they were not really mentioned, much less understood. Here is where a question or questions, asked on my part would have been a good idea. And maybe the expectations you had of me were mentioned and my brain is unable to, at this time, account for that exact conversation where the terms of my employment were stated. Either way, we both could have done better at communicating with one another, what each of us would like to gain from this employee-employer relationship and meet halfway. There was no halfway point. Instead, it was me pulling at a rope and you pulling on that same rope at the opposite end and that friction/pressure caused it to snap and break, leading to us each picking up our half of the rope and individually making sense, trying to make sense, of what happened...

What is done is done and the majority of this does not matter at all, yet I feel it necessary to share for the sake of sharing it as well as, and more importantly, getting the weight of keeping this inside, off of my shoulders.

Everyday, practically everyday I would be working and you would be there, I felt undermined. Yes, you wanted me to learn and you taught me in a manner that did in a way, "baby" me, as I then felt I couldn't spread my wings fully, without you there to support me. Yet, I am a very strong and POWERFUL woman and am fully capable of flying on my own. Thank you though for your support. Due to your presence, as well-meaning as it was, it placed me in a position where I felt you were contradicting yourself. You'd say, "act as though I am not here" and then you would be there, basically implying that you didn't trust me to do the job that I have attempted to do for the past month. This lack of trust in the process, has been by far the most challenging thing I've had to experience throughout the course of my employment with you. Again, this is where I could have spoken up. Furthermore, when you are around,  my energy and BEing do, naturally change because it seems, I feel like you are watching me, supervising my every move, making sure I do it right and correcting me if I don't (do it up to your standard of right). This is an all too familiar theme for me. Hahahaha.


The comments you made to me yesterday were sharp and harsh. I know you said you could be blunt and for me not to take any of your comments personally, because after all, it is not about me. It is about you. I feel I have done this exceptionally well. Given my receptivity and openness toward things you do say. I try my best to not allow it to seep into my BEing- there is especially, no point to give those negative thoughts/words/exchanges energy. You are, in a way, my elder and I respect you. I have sincerely tried my best to convey that. I feel bad it has been misunderstood and ill-perceived. While I am talking or typing this, I feel it best to mention also that there were a number of times that you felt you picked up on something that was not there from my end, ie. Something you perceived from me that was not my intention of having been perceived as such, at all, by anyone, let alone by yourself.

And that my dear, is your own creating. You feel something is there, when it is not. And that tends, I have noticed, to get out of hand. You blow it up and make it a mass that doesn't need to grow. These are a couple things that have gone one way when they could've gone the other. 1.) Me thinking you an asshole, or there being a face I make that apparently, according to you, conveys such a message to an individual. Nope, I most assuredly do not think you an asshole, quite the contrary really, I think you can be very wonderful and lovely, so long as you're not getting after one/me for doing something not the "Epstein* way". 2.) The big one from yesterday is you thinking I am ripping you off. If you feel that way, why are paying me for hours I am not actually working??? It is my observation that this indicates, yes,  how true to your word you are, yet more so, a self fulfilling prophecy. Whereby, in order to be right, you are doing this thing to make yourself appear in a lighter, light & to be right (I really don't like to type this, say it, much less, think it) and to make yourself appear (more) "generous" (which you are already!), so that you can feel good about yourself ( Perhaps now, I am the one doing the projecting), but also, so it would make more sense to claim that I am trying to rip you off, which by the way I am not trying to do at all!

I can fully see where you are coming from though, from the end where I started out not knowing really much about the Epstein's* sales approach and learning what it is about, getting three pieces of very expensive, good quality, built-to-last, locally made and natural clothing, for free. Getting a discounted blanket and other cardigan- another two fairly priced items. Me giving you my notice and paying me for more than what (I perceive) you feel I am worth (this sentence has so much negative energy attached to it, as I feel I AM worth every penny! and of course I am). However, from an employer's perspective paying me how much you are paying me per hour and then sales not being met (up to your standard), while other things that help everything else, get done, well, I can see why you would feel the way I feel you feel- frustrated, angry, resentment, jealousy; sadness, pain. Additionally, you allowing me to work for two more weeks, to get paid, as opposed to dismissing my employment on the spot. You are and have been incredibly generous to me, and I would like to thank you Epstein* ! THANK YOU!

The timing was there, set in place because of your need to work rapidly and efficiently and you needing the same from your employee(s). I, being unable to provide this felt it best to terminate my own employment because I would really, sincerely and truly wish for you and your business to be successful and I felt with my performance not matching with what you were hoping it would match up with & you entering your busy season, it was the best decision I made. Again, if you weren't busy applying the pressure for me to speed up my pace I would be more willing to continue to try, but the expectations would have been best to stipulate from the start and for you to share with me how patient you were willing to be with someone with minimal sales skills.

My approach, gentler and while different, still has the potential to illicit the same warmth from customers. It's problematic because it is not your approach and you've had the experience of a lifetime to know so much more than I and you profess this quite a bit (if you sense a sarcastic tone there is one, because this has lead me to feel like I have not been good enough for your business, from the start and I am moving away from that. I honour myself & in so doing realize it wasn't a good fit and am moving on). And that's fine. Again, it's your story you're writing. Going from point A to point B, with little to no snags, without my awkward, fumbly, you-have-more-experience-than-I-so-let-me-throw-myself-under-the-bus-and-allow-you-to-take-over, ways, is difficult, was difficult. I was out of my element and you've got that gumption and confidence because you've been in the industry all your life. So, stating outright again, that I lack that-confidence, as much as I have tried to not allow it to penetrate me and get through to my BEing, it has undeniably, degreely gotten through . For, I am 100% confident that I can be confident, IN MY ELEMENT! And to think, to expect that of someone when they are trying to learn.... wow! Just wow! Kind of unreasonable, don't you think?

There are many should'ves, could'ves, would'ves in this posting. Usually it's best to negate these, as they help one to focus on what should've been said/done, what could've been said/done, so that the result would've been different. This leads to thinking of ways to have changed the past, which then leads further into regret. And I regret nothing! Everything is Divinely perfect. I am exactly who I am to be at this part on my path and I am exactly where I am meant to be on my journey as well.

I'd like to give this interesting situation the kind of energy it deserves and that is one of light and love; gratitude is what I feel because these circumstances are healing and positive, as it is with everything and with tough "interesting" situations that we learn the most, about ourselves, about our journey and if we are lucky, about others too!

So, Chi miig wetch Universe for this experience, for me manifesting it to occur in the way it has and for what I have learned and will continue to learn & for the feelings that will continue to unravel, with the passage of time. Chi miig wetch!

*Epstein was the name that first came to mind, upon looking it up I had no idea he was the famed British sculpture artist who modeled portraits of the famous including the likes of Einstein himself .

Discovery 101

So, I made a discovery and I am going to share it here.

I've embarked upon a journey that is both scary and exhilarating. More exhilarating than anything!

For the past little while, I've been employed by places that don't satisfy my crave to do something that sings to my heart and opens my soul to experience life as I am meant to experience it.

So... I've decided to resign my latest position, which is in sales and work on something I love.... Dreamcatchers! Connecting with the unseen forces and Spirits of Nature and creating a healing Dreamcatcher for those that are open to honouring all that beings that are encompassed in making one... it's also apart, a very large part of my healing journey and my self-creation.

That's right, I'm making Dreamcatchers and going to be showcasing them in an upcoming gallery's X-mas show, as well as... well, I won't share too much of the other part just yet.

Today, I went into my friend, Herbert's * thrift shoppe, about 10 minutes from my house. Herbert* wasn't there, instead it was another person who my friend had watching the shoppe for a little while. Herbert's* sister got knee surgery and needs Herbert* there to help with the recovery.

So, I went in to pick up some things and ask Herbert* if I could hang a few Dreamcatchers in his window. Some people are particular about that... This other guy, let's call him Smith* who I spoke to about my Dreamcatchers, said that it would for sure not be a job that can help bring in income- he asked me what I am doing, and I told him making dreamcatchers. He told me of a friend of his who did that back in Hungary, Smith* is from Hungary and he said that his friend was doing that on the side of his other job and that's when he said what he did.... PSHHHH...I was taken aback and off put by his unsupportive remarks.

When I left to walk the piece of furniture I picked up, home, I started ruminating over, "why did I allow his comments to hit me in the manner they did?" And then the answer came to me....

First off I'd like to say words are fuckin' powerful, so powerful and when something someone says rubs one the wrong way or makes one feel any less than amaZing, walk away!

So, my discovery was that the reason I disliked his viewpoint is because it was unsupportive and it did not agree with mine, and that is, that it is remarkable what I will be embarking upon and whoever doesn't like it... Well, that's okay, it's not for the approval of everyone and some people are going to love it and others not and that's okay.

Smith* is entitled to his opinion, yet furthermore the reason I was disgruntled was because I grew up with a highly unsupportive father, who time and time again, in spite of my efforts to seek his approval and his support, would simply be disappointed because it was unattainable. And those kinds of unsupportive, critical comments make one feel like staying silent for fear of being acknowledged in a manner that differs from the intended acknowledgement. ie, one of "OMGosh that's so cool," One more aligned with support and "approval" <-- this is something I further need to reflect on.

One is discouraged from opening up to that person, or anyone for that matter because they continually feel like they are lessened in the eyes of others, made to feel inadequate, and not good enough. When quite the contrary is true... All that matters is my opinion of me, so why do I give a shit what people think of my path?! It's not their's to understand, it's MINE!

So, I've realized this and I've realized that since it has been evident in my childhood, I have shown my father my back, at times, as I choose not to open up to him because of his critical, unsupportive nature. Unfortunately, that is the case. I would like to say that it is only parts of me that shut down and turn away but it's more of myself, more like all of me that has done this, which has in turn lead to my father feeling rejected or that he is not close to me. It's kind of his own doing.

The other thing that crossed my mind was why do we humans spend so much time bringing people down as opposed to lifting them up? Why waste our energy on de-valueing? Do we not know any better? And then I realized some more that people are writing their own stories, what Smith said to me, was a reflection of his own feelings of himself and what he chooses to do, or not do, also, some people live to put others down, it's their only way of being successful.

WOW, all of these discoveries made me laugh to myself and thank Smith* for his interaction with me, without which I would not know something deeper about myself.