I swear I am getting much better at living MY life and not caring about other people's lives.. focusing on myself in existence in each moment is what today has lead me to...In fact I have been thinking about the future more and more, today especially and how I will make it in my own life, yet thinking about these things is headache inducing, as being present in the moment is for sure the best approach best way to enjoy life.
In spite of this, accepting that I read magazines for practically the entire day, of what has now become yesterday, went for a bike ride in the cold, picked up ingredients for today's cinnamon buns and here I am still recording thoughts of what can only be referred to as remnants of a thought pattern that is reaching the final stages of it's percolation (out) through my system: my BEing. And it's time I stop wasting my time writing up on something that is really kind of dumb... yet necessary to get out so I can move on from this and not have it resurface at a later date.
A few days ago my dad had an appointment at the hospital... While waiting, I was caught up in thinking "OMG, would so-and-so be doing this, would they come to the hospital, would they be waiting around in some seat looking out the window?" Yes, they probably would if they were in my position.
The truth of the matter is that life happens, accidents happen all the time to those we love & sometimes (unfortunately) place them in the care of nurses and doctors that we need to trust, in the environment of a hospital, that's life and as it was a part of mine, I need to accept it. There was a quote on the hospital's flag posts that read, "every gift makes a world of difference". I read this and thought it actually read, "Every life makes a world of difference". This stuck with me because it is truthful to say that we all have our own unique capabilities that allows us to live in existence today. We have various things that we are good at, no two people are alike in this respect and therefore every life, does, very much, make a world of difference. This goes hand in hand with saying that everyone is good at something. Talents are so widely spread out into the world. Hence us existing on this Earth today... to bring something new and exciting to the evolution of the human race and to change, to shift the consciousness that is currently present on this planet!
Those thoughts brought me into thinking that there are all kinds of individuals on this Earth, French, German, Arabic, etc.
I was sitting in Loblaws the other day eating some food with my dad and sister and there was this mother with, what I feel, was her daughter and son. Her daughter was making fun of a classmate of hers and imitating this particular classmate, according to the way the daughter was describing the classmate was "mentally delayed", the mother insistently asked her daughter in a leading manner.. is that nice? Implying what her daughter was doing and saying was not nice. They were speaking in French, I understood. After that I thought, "wow... cruel people still exist, so in addition to their being German, French and a plethora of others that live in this world, there are also cruel people, how comforting... I think it may be a long time before they are all gone... it takes time to fully change that kind of thing and to exert the kind of healing onto the world; to change the vibration to One Love.
Moments earlier, when I first saw the young girl, I thought to myself, "wow, it's seeing girls like that; pretty, eyes wide open-alert, etc. that makes me happy to be living my life in the manner I am- I am grateful to bare witness to the wisdom, innocence and beauty children bring to the world". Little did I know how un-innocent this girl was, as was made explicitly clear through her feelings & actions about differentially abled individuals. Her comments made later about her classmate were extremely derogatory and unpleasant to listen to. It made me scowl and completely turned me off from my initial perception of her... A true testament to being unable to judge a book by it's cover. Or, as a friend of mine put it, a wolf in sheep's clothing, as people like this walk among us daily.
As mentioned previously, this world is made up of a variety of people!
Ultimately, people are people too, they do things they feel they need to do to survive and to, often, in their position, thrive. Sometimes they put people down because they are not secure within themselves, they do what they feel they need to do for their rightful privacy- to protect themselves from ridicule and judgement and from being vulnerable to the outside world. Everyone is a person, regardless of one's recognition of this fact or not, they deserve to live, they deserve to be happy with themselves and the lives they lead!
Yesterday, while reading the magazine articles I was caught thinking that everyone wishes to live healthily. This is a commonality people share and we are all searching for connection with others. I think that is where my focus is these days, my ability to connect with people and that it seems so easy for so many, but not me. There were a number of articles I read that were about eating right, exercise, vitamin health and an overall balanced lifestyle. People also want to have good looking, flattering to their body type, kinds of clothing and it hit me that people, everywhere are living their very own distinct life, with much of the same goals that others have and people are a hell of a lot more alike than perhaps they would like others to know; they have role models, they shop, they eat, they read, they learn, they grow, they live.
Lisa Kudrow says she looks up to and likes to be surrounded by people who cope with life (I read it in one of the articles in one of the magazines I had at my disposal yesterday)... and then I thought, what does this mean? Life? How do individuals cope with life? is it illness? loss? As these things are intrinsically a part of life and help to bring out one's strength?.. is this what she meant? It was also this that made me realize that we all cope with whatever the Universe decides to toss our way, whatever we decide to let in our lives. Its inevitable, we adjust ourselves accordingly and that's life.. in a nutshell.
As I write this, I am thinking to myself, "who is this person with these crazy stupid thoughts on what it means to live a life of meaning- thinking her life is not meaningful, who is this person that thinks someone else's life is more important than hers... Who is she and what has she done with the beautiful young lady that knows her life is meaningful and full of adventures yet to be explored and generally, who knows better than to think ill of herself and cause herself pain?" It must be a mask I wear to hide my true self; because I am afraid of the me that might be exposed without this mask, because it serves as a distraction from my own life. A distraction that I do not wish to have because as mentioned in a former post, my life is pretty awesome and I need to start surrendering to what is. Instead of wishing for something else apart from what I have, as that manifestation is within me, if I so choose it and if it is aligned with Spirit, as everything that I desire that is aligned with Spirit is on it's way- Thank you Wayne Dyer!
I was thinking that the reality I seem to be trapped in, that I wear this mask in, is a reality based on escapism, which is also something Lisa mentioned as one of the reasons people said "Thank you" to her, upon Friends being a means for laughter post 9/11. It is nothing new to hear that everyone in one way or another feels the need to escape their own life and they do so on their own accord, using their own methods. Personally, I would like to be living a life I do not need to escape from. One that I am truly content and happy to be living in the most honest of ways. Waking up each morning in gratitude for being alive, this seems to not be there right now with me, I mean to say to the Universe, "I am grateful to be alive today, to be living the life I am!" and sincerely mean it... When I say those words, as I often do, because living in gratitude is the way to invite more things to be grateful for, I usually am lacking in truly feeling the words and knowing within my heart of hearts that they are true, it's this sincerity, this genuineness that I need to reclaim. And I am the only one that can achieve it for myself.
Furthermore, people tune into movies and shows to get lost in a fantasy world, for a period of time because they do not, for whatever reason, like their own world, their own life, or at the very least, they need a break from their own experience as a two-legged. That is a fair statement, as it does get to be exhausting from time-to-time. Yet again, what is a way in which one can strive for it to be energizing, as opposed to energy depleting and exhausting?
I am actually kind of sick of writing all about this mumbo-jumbo that doesn't count for nothing but a speck, less than a speck in fact, within a single fragment in this moment and time within this time-space continuum that is this Universe. In two years I will not even remember all of this. Yet I find I am attached to looking deeper into why I am fixated and consumed by the unhappiness I feel in my life. Something I am hell bent on finding out why I have these sado-masochistic ways toward myself. It most certainly is not a glamourized lifestyle I need to be happy. I am content, for the time being in living my life, as is.
If a friend was talking to me right now... they'd be saying that I am wonderful and beautiful, I have a good heart, a kind heart, and a shinning soul... Why is it hard for me to see these things within myself right now... I need to float out and up above myself and pull out from within me the joy and the meaningfulness that creates my life. It's not that hard really I have a lot of things going for me and I need to spend my energy on those things. I also need to force myself to disengage from activities that are detrimental to me, like thinking that someone else's life is better off than mine. Mine is good for me and has been working for me, just as others have their respective lives that have rightly been working for them. And its not like they are focusing on other people's lives.
A Meditation is in order here. Speaking of which we go through a meditative state to get to know ourselves better, to figure out why we do the things we do, why we react in the manner we do, why things bother/affect/ make us irksome. So again I ask why it is important for me to cling onto something that is causing myself pain? Instead of focusing on things that bring me joy, bring light into my life and that make me want to be better than who I am.
In thinking about shows and the characters certain actresses/actors play.. these shows and movies are not the reality of anyone. And in terms of it being a form of escape for some, to get lost in a reality that does not belong to them, actresses and actors, although they play the characters, that reality to which they are a part creating for others, on screen, doesn't belong to them either. They have their own life outside of this enterprise. And it really doesn't involve me, so why am I involving them in my life?
Realistically speaking, superhero/action packed films are under the guise of fantasy... because that is what it is... it's fantasy, unreal, perhaps even magically real but it's not based on someone's life, it's based on fiction- someone's idea of fun and they used their creative force to create it! And I do enjoy shows that are both non fiction and fiction because they are purely entertainment. Nothing more.
The reason they are appealing to so many of us is because they signify the longing of the existence of that knight in shinning armour ideal, that hero and as a young girl many of us were conditioned to believe, existed. After much rumination and hacking of society's misconceptions however, we know that fairy tales are far from reality, so that knight in shinning armour does not exist in the perfect way they have been messaged/conveyed to exist to us via Disney and other means. This is something I already wrote about so let's be done with it. After all, the real fairy tales are our very lives being lived in their imperfectly magically, real way.
As I woke this morning I came to some more realizations.... Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have pronounced that there are far more important things in the world, than their lives, like poverty for example, homelessness, teen suicide, to name a few... so why bother pulling one's focus away from the things that matter, to something that doesn't. Why are we so interested in their life? This makes no sense, again perhaps to distract us from our own so-called "unexciting" lives.
I had a thought that if I was in Bali right now, standing on a bridge looking down toward the rainforest none of these things that I am giving so much power to would count for anything... The important message out of this is as long as I am living a life that makes me happy, nothing else matters. I am slowly building my life up to that happy ending for myself.
Another short yet enriching message is that I, like when I was younger should wear my cap backwards and not give a fuck about what others are doing, what others are saying and just, quite simply focus on my experience as a two legged.
Finally, celebrities wouldn't want others to live their life based on whether they do something or not> they'd want us to focus on our life and that is it.
Dragonfly came to me: 2 years.. I need to reread it's messages.
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