Hi Loves,

To those of you who read my blog. Thank you!  I wanted to let you know that I am working on something really BIG, for me and my life and I am super excited about it all. I may decide to share more later, however it is up to how I will feel about being so open.

This means,  I will be spending less time writing on my blog and more time getting up-close and personal with my inner demons, getting to know my self a hell of a lot better than what I previously thought I did and writing about it (privately).

HOW many of you can say you know yourself?

This is something I will be working on and it will be on-going and will definitely take time.

I look forward to completing the task I am currently involved in. Retyping things I've written in a book, on the computer- transferring.

Alright Lovelies. Thanks again and give yourself a hug today!

The Said and Unsaid: the written.

So you like photos, but not my actual page? That's super nice (sarcasm). Especially considering you're a "friend" too, supposed to be. Maybe it's you and your aversion to facebook and social media and living online in general that you prefer to not engage in- hence you not liking pages. Either way, I cannot say I am a fan! And why is this anyway? I don't need your approval, or validation from you that what I am doing is cool, or awesome or bloody fantastic! It is! I already know that! I understand you like to experience life and I feel I almost, if not did, hit a cord with you yesterday (In a way that is experiencing life.. a part of it anyway). When I was honest and told you the truth about my feelings... It's nothing personal and I would hope that you recognize that. I also need to recognize that here....And know that you are being you. I accept that, or at the very least I acknowledge it.

It's important to have the freedom to express oneself, verbally without judgement or fear of consequence in any and ALL relationships. Perhaps, that is supposing this world is a perfect one, which it sure is not!  Maybe the delivery wasn't the greatest but I mean really??? How could it have not been. We left on good terms. We hugged, although I will admit it felt like an insincere hug, kinda dead.  And now it feels like things have changed between us... I could feel it after my sharing... and if I didn't share, I would be subject to living in denial... I have already done this in too many areas of my life, I don't need to have it be done in another one too. Perhaps I am reading far too much into this AGAIN and I really do need to let it be what it is... Instead of trying to shift it... accept what is Natasza. Let it be. IF you have anything further to say or think that things were left unsaid on your part. I implore you, let me know.

I also will share quite openly that there are those individuals that suck information out of you. They may do it either purposefully or unpurposefully. It must have been a pattern they picked up, likely in childhood. While their intention may not be necessarily bad ones... it's not the greatest thing to have happen to you either.This is how I felt with you... There are certain things that don't really need to be said, but I feel like I share too openly and divulge too much of myself...Maybe it's out of a need to satisfy your curiosity, in hopes that that will bring us closer, or in hopes that you will like me more... I don't like it when people don't like me... what's not to like? I have a good heart, I am a kind Soul, I am easy on the eyes, I have an open mind, solid and growing conscientiousness. But yesterday it felt like there was no filter on me, when sharing and I did not like this. Gotta learn to have less disclosure.

Is Caring too much a Crime?

When did caring so much become a crime?

Today I realized that the freedom comes when I let go of feeling like I need to know... caring enough to know, thinking that it is related to the way I carry out my reality if I know, thinking; feeling that if I knew this, if I knew that, I would be influenced greatly and I would be influenced, so much so that I would BE much better to carry out and live a life that is, in some way, better than what life I lead now....

This thought pattern is not fair to me. It does not do my existence justice. Think about it, I allow another's choices to affect me in the profound manner that they do, instead of it being constructive, it is in fact destructive and I am allowing this to persist... That is, giving them, that individual as well as their story, so much more power than MY story! It's certainly not fair to me,  or to that other person. Living out my life as though theirs is more important than mine, or that mine does not matter.... WE are both equally amaZing BEings and we both deserve the recognition for what it is we got placed on this Earth for. OuR GIFTS and OuR tALenTS!!!

To care to the point of debilitation, if certain things are not shared is simply ridiculous... and rather consuming... pointless. Why am I allowing this to occur?

The following is a posting to a facebook wall of a group I am in:


Hi Loves,

So I am feeling inadequate... these feelings have arisen in me because of a recent exchange with Ashlene*. Basically, we had arranged to do something together yesterday, take pictures of some materials for the DreamCatchers I make, I was busy doing something important to me- dream recording, when she asked that I get my stuff ready. This photoshoot was contigent on the weather and Natural Light as this is the BEST light for photos.. I didn't say it at the time, that I was unavailable because in the end, it's really for me and the website she is building for my business, so I thought to myself dreamRecording is something that can be done another time; but, I chose to tell her after the fact.... I shared with her last night that I was busy doing something when she asked me to get my materials ready for the photoshoot and therefore was not available. However, went ahead and did it (the photoshoot) anyway.This morning, rather moments ago she told me that if I am unavailable, to just say it... I know I am learning to communicate more, vocalize my feelings and so I shouldn't beat myself up when I don't talk or open up about things that need to be shared, ie. my availability, etc. , because I am living in human form and learning by experience...But why do I seem to put myself second? It's like I compromise myself, in a sense to accommodate a schedule that was somewhat unfixed and now I feel badly for not going through with more photos, which were going to be taken today with the Sun out and Shining!!!! I feel she is on a pedestal in my mind and all I wanna do is strip that thought pattern from me.... what is it about me that I seem to always place others on pedestals? Thoughts? Feelings? Inspiration?

I didn't get many responses. If I did I haven't checked again today, but the point of this all is... I am doing this to myself and why? I love myself, do I not? then why am I doing something detrimental to my BEing? It makes little, if any sense to me... Seriously, why does it matter to me what Ashlene* is doing with her day, where she is going, what time she will be back? etc. Does it really impact what I am going to be doing with my life for the day? Nope.... does her path influence mine??? Kind of, in that we are related, but also not, since we both have our distinct directions we are walking... I go South, she, North, although not always...

A lesson is being and continued to be learned in the making.

* Name changed for protective purposes.

Reasons why I look at you, see you and hate myself... hate is a strong word, dislike myself.

Everyone has that one person, or several people who they simply cannot stand.

There is a lesson in this relationship. Usually, we find flaws in others that reflect back onto aspects within ourselves that we have yet to accept and love. It is not always easy. In fact, it is rather challenging at times, to look at others, to see them and to feel we have this inner contempt, inner self deprecation that we are unable to place our finger on.  It's down-right frustrating. I am in such a space right now.

So there is this girl that I met in the summer of last year. She vends in the warmer months in places around the city and falls into the Spiritual, Conscientious-elevated, Enlightened group of Earthlings that I actually like to consider myself. Although, instead of "elevated" I would call myself Spiritually, vibrationally, energetically AWARE and conscientious- "elevated" is a term that assumes, pedestal-like behaviour: righteousness, condescension, sometimes even complacency, which are traits that are far from Spiritual, in my opinion. They associate more with Ego.

Now, I understand that I am very much on a healing journey. This is something I am continually learning, growing, evolving from as a Soul and this is the main reason why I have felt it difficult to maintain this blog, because there is a line between privacy, and venting too much of yourself, over-sharing, exposure, vulnerability (the last two are good to a point). Yet, there is also a huge need in my life to have an outlet besides my own journal. Hence why I have selected to continue this blog, because it helps to share one's journey- my journey, even the tough times that feel like I am walking barefoot on rocky terrain.

Anyways back to this girl... so, a meditation would probably help me here. I have however already compiled a small list that will likely grow, for reasons I do not like her.

I stood in front of the mirror and talked to myself because, really it is something within me that I do not like... I then also later on, proceeded to take a nap with her name and subsequent questions I have about her, written on a piece of paper, under my pillow. Sometimes, that helps, to receive through Dreamtime.

Here is the list (not in any particular order):

1.) I don't like that you are tall- Does this mean I do not like my curvy body?

2.) I don't like that you have the money to travel, to go to Costa Rica, to go to England, to go anywhere else that you can afford to go and experience before me! - Does this mean I do not want to be here, living my beautiful, important life that I am living? Nope, not really. My initial response was I don't like where my life is right now, but when I think about it, I actually do like where I am. It is certainly different than where anyone else is going to be. After all it is MY path and mine alone. Personally, I would actually love, like LOVE to go and live and BE on the East Coast, yet what would I be doing there with my time? I wouldn't be established yet into the career I would like to be in and it's all about timing. Right now is not that time for me to be there.

3.) I don't like that you have a boyfriend and I don't! Hahaha, this one makes me laugh a bit because this is a desire of mine and I really do need to reflect on it more...It is only one of the first things that pop into my head when I see couples hand-in-hand walking down the street, or if I meet someone, like me I wonder if they are partnered. What is it about a partner I feel, will provide me with wholeness, happiness, stability... these things are all that which I need to find and Source from myself before looking and seeking them externally!

4.) I don't like that you make jewellery too and have Crystals and wicked beads as materials you have. The Stone People are my friends, of course this is something I am unable to keep to myself as they are in abundance and they exist to share their Medicine with all that are attracted to them! How do you treat them? This is something that arises as a question solely because Crystals come from Our Earth Mother and are BEings that like to be close to their original form. Leather and them don't mix. Perhaps this is my opinion, my Spiritual Beliefs and what it  is they have conveyed to me. They might have shared something different with you

5.) I don't like that you have been doing this longer than me... Hahaha something I cannot change and quite frankly I wouldn't want to. You have your talents and I have mine, respectively. And my ideals, my creations are Naturally going to flow through me in a wholly unique way, than they would you. We each bring something individual to the table and we are both needed on this Earth. My passions are very different, I am sure than your passions, same with your inspiration and vice versa. Even though we are both Children of this Earth.

6.) I don't like that you have money.... this is something I really need to reclaim. I love money... I need to attract it into my experience. It is my friend after-all and money is needed to survive. The Universe is abundant and because we are all unique BEings with unique talents, gifts, Medicine there is plenty of that Universal abundance to go around. Creator will provide for us all, exactly what we need and exactly when we need it. Divine Perfection is written in the Stars... :)

Alright that is all I have to offer at this time.

I hope that me having written this will help me heal the wounds I kept open and I intention to invite abundance into my life and all that I need will flow to me, effortlessly and easily, like the rain flowing to the river. <3