So the other day I got together with a friend, or what I thought was a friend. She was from school, back when I attended a university outside of the city I live in now, my home city.
Things were fine.... I have a tendency to be reluctant to tell people things especially when I have not seen them in so long because I have no idea how our gathering is going to proceed. Whether or not we are going to be the same as the last time we saw each other or how much we would have changed since the last time we spoke and saw one another. Clearly, time changes everything and my so called friend was not at all afraid to catch me up on all her accomplishments and relish in the fact that I admired her for them, gave her praise for them actually. And all she could do was agree with me. Smug superiority is what it's called and her complacency made me feel like shit!
While being ambitious, proud and confident are wonderful qualities to have. They can also be completely polluting and toxic.
When people are too ambitious, they often believe that everything they do is right, that everything they say is right and absolutely nothing will stand in their way and prevent them from getting what they want. As I recently read, ambition is another name for greed. And I think that your aspirations are achievable, of course, anything is achievable if you set your mind to it and are able to have a goal in mind, but what you plan on achieving may be a little too ambitious.... but then again perhaps I am underestimating the line of work you are going into. And I wouldn't put it past you earning all the money you want. To be frank, your ambitions aren't what bother me. It's actually your gloating and the high self regard you have.
Obviously people who read this will probably think , because I envy someone else's confidence it's only because I lack it. The truth is, while I am not the most confident person in the world, I am also not the person with the lowest self esteem either. I fall somewhere in the middle, I would say so anyway. And I am proud of that. There is always probably more self confidence I can have, but I'm not necessarily in a rush to become self-absorbed, conceded or cocky!!!!
The reason I feel like shit is because when you told me about all your endeavors that you are so ardently looking forward to accomplishing, it got me into thinking where I am in my life. I haven't done a whole lot at all for someone my own age and I can't help but feel I am missing out on so much. That's why when I describe my life I say that it is unlived. Yes, I believe you make things happen for yourself, and things take time but sometimes it's not as easy as people make it sound!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of your plans hit me like a tidal wave because they are pretty much all of what, I myself, wish to do at some point. And yeah I'm jealous, and jealousy is poison - but at least I recognize my poison (Sometimes I feel this way, it's not an every day occurrence). And others are not so upfront about it (even though I am using my blog to channel these words)!
What struck me most, was how much you expected to get from me and how I received nothing from you in return. Sometimes it's nice to get a compliment back, once you give one, instead of being completely selfish and retaining your adoration all for yourself (This isn't to say I was fishing for compliments, it's actually called human decency and etiquette - at least in my books). "Me, me , me, me, me" and "yeah, I know I'm great and I'm just going to parade it all over the place" are among the few mentalities you probably had running through your head the other day. And that's fucked up!!!!!
When you already know that everything you are doing and your life is working out beautifully for yourself, why do you need more reassurance and APPROVAL???? That makes no sense! Unless you're one of those people that just take, take take. Honestly I never pegged you as one of those types, at least not until the other day. Furthermore, why do you need to rub it in, intentionally or not that's exactly what you were doing and I did not appreciate it!!!! You also managed to not only make me feel like shit, but to make me feel like an idiot when you had to repeat your self with this condescending tone, suggesting I should've known the information you were repeating to me ...... SENSE the hate yet????
Obviously this is not only about you, it's about me too and how I obviously feel this way for a reason. If you make me feel a certain way, if anyone makes me feel a certain way, it's a choice for me to feel that way (partly anyway considering some people can't control their emotions/ feelings). But people who make you feel this way - like shit, are simply not worth your time....
What did make me feel good was, when you had the compulsion to share your sexual proclivities with me, which is something that some people prefer not to hear about and is actually best to keep quiet. It showed me how little respect you have for yourself to sleep around like you do. Yeah, you probably just want the action, but that made me lose the respect I used to have for you and actually made me feel good about myself because I have morals and that will never change. That's not to say you don't have morals too. So it's wrong of me to imply you don't, but they are clearly different then my own - I'm sure you value many things. Many different and many the same from myself. But it's kind of a shock to hear that you've devalued yourself, or put yourself in that kind of category. Maybe in your eyes you haven't devalued yourself and put yourself in any category and that's actually how you bring value to your life- sleeping with countless guys, fucking them, gaining the confidence you feel you need more of. But in my eyes I see it differently. You need to have sex to feel good about yourself, fuel and boost your ego, that's fucked. But then again you probably don't care what others think....
No comments:
Post a Comment