This one should have been put up a while ago!

I read this entry in my journal this morning and realized how important it is and how important it is that I share it with you, even though you may never see or read this blog in your life. These are things I just need to say. I don't feel them anymore, at least not this instant but they are just as meaningful as they would be....

I hope you know when I tell people about our relationship I tell them it's not a healthy one but rather a fairly dysfunctional one, considering we are related by BLOOD!

I tell them it's nowhere near where it's supposed to be, nowhere near how I want it to be, nowhere near where I feel it should be. Brave New World reminds me of our "give and take" 'ship (It's a song by hedley), minus the beating......

In all honesty this has been me trying for far too long and I'm sick of it!

You're too proud to admit that it's you or that anything could be your fault. The way you are now, how you've grown, the person you've become has made it hard, excruciatingly difficult to try any further. Our relationship has never been directly discussed between the two of us.

It's the both of us, I know. But for something that is supposed to be natural, it seems like the most unnatural thing in the world. To be in the same motionless spot that we've been in for the past 21 years. Admit it, it started when I was brought into the picture..... You've hurt me in so many ways and in more ways I've lost count.

And I cannot continue to do this to myself. To put myself in this position. I value myself too much (I know that may sound conceded or a bit too proud)

And if you were ever wondering, that's why I needed him in my life, for the short period he was in my life. At least he cared and more importantly showed it (Maybe because of our life together, you, me, we both, just have a very distorted way of showing that we care - is that even possible???) So him showing those feels felt real nice because it was so out of the ordinary.

Sometimes I wish you would open your eyes and see that you are becoming HIM- someone who I know you never wanted to become and someone I cannot afford to have in my life a second time around!

C'est fini.