So..... My liFE!
My dad and my brother are working on the backyard. A project, that was proposed to be a "family project" by my brother by posting a note on the fridge. No verbal communication, simply an 8 by 11 page paper with photos of ideas and a few lines of "let's make this a family summer project." In an effort to work together. Apparently, this was also supposed to be something my sister was intending to work on - to add to her portfolio.... well, that didn't happen. And because of the type of personalities both my brother, but mainly, my dad have, there is this constant attempt to enlist and/or recruit us to help and it is rather a nuisance.
Due to this.... and probably many other factors.... my mom is tremendously in a mood that makes all other of her sour moods, pleasant and tolerable. It's like she has absolutely no rhyme or reason, or motivation to be a mother any longer (according to what she tells me).... the happiness and all the positive energy has been sucked dry from her, all that seems to be left is bitterness, anger and a "don't touch me and get away from me!" kind of mood. It most certainly is not pleasant to be around AT ALL. Self-victimization, an "unworthy" attitude and a vast sense of lack has consumed her (these are the feelings I had last night so the relevance of them today are not at the same level they were last night). Leo Tolstoy was right when he wrote all happy families are alike, all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.... true words, from a true author.
The energy in this house is changing, so dramatically. And as much as I would not like to acknowledge it.... It's also definitely going over hills & plateaus and mountains & valleys of negativity. Because, of the backyard project, my dad who has volunteered himself to help.... My mother and my father are divorced and any kind of involvement my dad has with anything.... my mom just turns into a hateful, resentful person. I don't blame her. There is just so much potential for her to be good, true to herself, happy and not let things bother her, but she does the complete opposite. Rather after today's conversation with her I can just feel the change of things to come..... even in the atmosphere, boy oh boy are things changing.... It's going to rain today!
Anyways, I segwayed..... the energy of this house... There is my space... I love my space. It's sacred to me in it's own right. There is my mom's room, which I try to respect and stay out of for the simple fact of it being her space. There is my sister's living quarters, you know her.... she put a huge curtain up, and it really enhanced and made it all the more evident of the family dynamic that was already present in this household. And then there is my brother's room... No Man's Land.
My sister recently decided to cleanse the air and the space in which she lives by burning sage. A well known and appreciated form of cleansing.... I do it too. In fact I'd like to think that I am the one who started it, so to speak, in this house. I was bothered by her doing it at first. But, I have come to accept it. I mean it's better for her, it's better for us. With her and I, it feels like there is this bubble of invisible sibling rivalry. Nothing dramatic has happened yet, but our competitive natures seem to be bubbling under the surface. I feel like I can talk to and share things with her but it also feels like she is not completely open and willing to share herself with me.... Perhaps this is a little bit of the self projection coming through. Where I feel she is a certain way but it is only because I am that way and have not yet come to terms with that part of my being. So, there is that energy... the energy of all relationships in this house carry different weights and are naturally different.
But everything changes when doors slam, swearwords are every other words out of peoples' mouths, the communication is in a state of constant lack. And respect, decency and deliverance are no where to be found.
And a new day has begun....
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