Friendship... what is it worth?

Tonight I friend of mine sent me a message. I deleted her from my phone so I didn't know who it was, I asked. After learning the identity of this person, I told her the truth of some feelings I have been having about her and her boyfriend. This was mentioned in a previous post of mine. I think I called her Angelica, in that post. In any case. She called it quits... I can't say that I am in fact really surprised, except I am. I thought perhaps her, our friendship meant more to her than it obviously came out as.

It's something small and pretty much meaningless if you take into consideration, the fact of our friendship ending because of a boy. But what can you do, sometimes people are in your life for only a short period of time, others are in it for the long haul and others still remain a part of your life, indefinitely.

A few other things, somewhat related to friendship. When I was in Peterborough last, over a month ago now, I had a liking toward someone... his name, Jack*. I didn't know what to make of it, I still don't know what to make of it, but I know that I posted something on my facebook account. He responded and kept the conversation going with another one of my friends, who I don't really talk to anymore, other than on FB and I feel, while she fulfilled the purpose of clarifying his misunderstanding, I need to admit that I was jealous... I am still feeling some of that jealousy. Perhaps not really because of her, or him, but because of myself. I feel like he is ignoring me or, disregarding what it is I said... Who likes to be negated? Ignored? NO ONE!!!! everyone loves to be recognized and it feels like I'm going craZy trying to understand people and their actions. Maybe I am not meant to understand them at all. Instead, let it all go, hang loose and just BE. It feels like I am going to break soon, just crack in two with everything going on.

Today, I haven't talked to my sister, not even once. What do you make of that??? We live in the same house... what the fuck!

This is kind of how I feel.

What if?

Sometimes I wonder what if?

What if I kissed him that night? Would we have kept in touch? Would we be together today? Does he have a kid or, kids? Is he happy? Would he have been with me? Would I have lost my virginity that night? He would have been my first forever-remembered kiss and it would have been great and wonderful and splendid because it was us... One crazy night of drinking way too much for our own good. Lost memories, lost actions, lost souls trying to find our way back out of the darkness... what darkness? the darkness that was the night itself? the darkness that our doings placed us in? What would I have done had I allowed him to kiss me? Would I have clung on so tight of something that could possibly blossom? Was it, would it have been a lost cause? All for nothing? All for everything? What if when he came in that day with his grandma, I had not run away but stayed to talk to him? Get to know him... would it have been worth it? was it worth it to live all this time wondering all these questions?

What if I didn't go to school after I got back from nine months of volunteering? What if I was working? Would I be happy? Would I have found what it is I love doing? Would I be where I need to be? No, because where I need to be is right where I am today! Would I have still met all the incredible people I have on my journey thus far in my life? Would I be where I am spiritually today, had I not return to higher learning? Would I be further ahead? behind even? What would I be doing with my life? Would I have moved out? Would I not be living in Toronto at all? If the first set of questions had anything to do with the second set, would I be living elsewhere in Canada? Saskatchewan? With him? Would I not even be in Canada? If I didn't go to school after that year across the Nation, then I wouldn't be currently supporting an educational system that represses and neglects the importance of Indigenous cultures and ways of learning.... this one is the biggest regret I have. Going to school to learn things I could have learned on my own, on my own time, at my own pace and all for a fraction of the cost I paid. Perhaps not exposing myself to the content I have learned and the people I have met, but still...

What if that guy that came up to me in that car that day while I was walking up to Starbucks... Yeah, him, what if I gave him my number when he asked? What if I got in his car with him? And he took me away with him? I don't want to go as far as to ask, what if we went and had incredible, in-the-moment sex because as I recall he looked like my brother and apart from that being incestuous and me not agreeing with that AT ALL, EVER. it would also be incredibly raunchy and sick of me to think like that. But what if he were kind and sweet and respectful, like the first guy... the very first guy.... And I spent time with him only to realize how different he was from my brother.

I try to live my life, no regrets! There is no point, ever to really think back and wonder what if? because lets face it, we're here and not there, not where we might have been. And we have no way of really knowing what would have happened or come of our life, if I made this decision rather than that one- it's not fruitful to think like this, instead what is fruitful, is exactly living in the moment and recognizing and accepting all that IS and has become a part of your current life. It makes very little sense to look back in deep curiosity or, wonderment and ask, what if? Because the truth of the matter is that those choices you made are what brought you exactly to where you are now and that is exactly where you need to be... We all do it though, from time to time, think about the past loves, the past almost loves, the choices we made, but none of it matters anymore... one of the greatest perils of living. One of the greatest prospects is knowing that you have the power to make your life become what you'd like it to be.... How truly inspiring.

Chi mig-wetch

Number 2.

Lately I have been having this over-welming feeling of resentment toward my sister. I am not a fan of it and I know that in order for these feelings to be released they need to be fully felt or, shared. I'm sharing now in hopes this will lessen it's pervasiveness.

She's not being open with me. Since everyone and every situation is a reflection of yourself and what is going on in your life, is this an indication that I am not being open with her? I am not, and for good reason! She doesn't let me in and it's killing me. That is not to say that I can't share things with her, but it's difficult when things are only one way and there is little to no reciprocity. I know the bitterness and all the bad feelings are there if I let them persist, but when your in a circumstance that disallows healthy communication, how can one grow, flourish, fly and thrive. One thrives in spite of these things, as their existence in your life makes you a stronger, the strongest person. This resentment I feel is also closely tied to bitterness.

I feel like she doesn't care about our relationship. She seldom asks about my day, about me... then again I seldom share when she does... overall difficult situation. Silence permeates the space between us when we are in a room together. Neither of us talks, there is just nothing, almost nothing... if it were nothing would I be writing about it?  The more I think about it, the more I think the best solution is for me to go away... anywhere. Peterborough, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Zealand, Ireland... anywhere! Anywhere, but here...

Then I think how cowardly that would be, running away from your problems. How can one grow and learn from them, from their life, if they are not present to experience it in its totality... It's too easy. This is a cliff  that I need to jump (I do not mean in the suicide kind of way, I mean in a letting go of control and freeing oneself kind of way), a mountain I need to climb, a lake I need to swim across, a path that I need to walk, alone, perhaps. Yet I also know I am never alone in this, in any of this...

Chi miigwetch!