Lately I have been having this over-welming feeling of resentment toward my sister. I am not a fan of it and I know that in order for these feelings to be released they need to be fully felt or, shared. I'm sharing now in hopes this will lessen it's pervasiveness.
She's not being open with me. Since everyone and every situation is a reflection of yourself and what is going on in your life, is this an indication that I am not being open with her? I am not, and for good reason! She doesn't let me in and it's killing me. That is not to say that I can't share things with her, but it's difficult when things are only one way and there is little to no reciprocity. I know the bitterness and all the bad feelings are there if I let them persist, but when your in a circumstance that disallows healthy communication, how can one grow, flourish, fly and thrive. One thrives in spite of these things, as their existence in your life makes you a stronger, the strongest person. This resentment I feel is also closely tied to bitterness.
I feel like she doesn't care about our relationship. She seldom asks about my day, about me... then again I seldom share when she does... overall difficult situation. Silence permeates the space between us when we are in a room together. Neither of us talks, there is just nothing, almost nothing... if it were nothing would I be writing about it? The more I think about it, the more I think the best solution is for me to go away... anywhere. Peterborough, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Zealand, Ireland... anywhere! Anywhere, but here...
Then I think how cowardly that would be, running away from your problems. How can one grow and learn from them, from their life, if they are not present to experience it in its totality... It's too easy. This is a cliff that I need to jump (I do not mean in the suicide kind of way, I mean in a letting go of control and freeing oneself kind of way), a mountain I need to climb, a lake I need to swim across, a path that I need to walk, alone, perhaps. Yet I also know I am never alone in this, in any of this...
Chi miigwetch!
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