It takes two...

in happiness, in sadness, in sickness and in health for better, for worse, I will love you.

I wear two rings on my ring finger on my left hand. It's all for the Universe I tell myself. They are both indicative of my love for the Great Mystery that is life, until of course, I meet that special person. Sometimes, because at most times it feels like a one person partnership. I know that it wholly is not. I feel incredibly alone.... Sure I talk to my beloved, but at times when I am feeling a little lost. It gets to be challenging when no-one physically is there to comfort me, but for better, for worse right?...I know that the Universe is on my side, always doing things that work out in my favour, I just gotta start believing that and living more in EVERY single moment as opposed to focussed on the past or future.

Close but no cigar....

I've been feeling stags of loneliness over the last few days... probably actually ever since my latest sexual encounter, however more so prominently over the past three days- since Monday! Surprise, surprise since Angelica* told me that news.

I looked on craigslist. In the personal ads for something that could provide comfort... I found one that was promising and I wrote, was in the process of writing, an email response to someone new... to start something new... a friendship perhaps, or possibly more.... But I stopped myself. I remember the last time I did that I promised myself that I would not allow myself to do it again.... Meeting someone online can be exhilarating, all the good feelings, but it can also be tremendously scary and not at all fulfilling. I wouldn't like to do that to myself, again.... I love ME too much. So instead I opted for the path of least resistance, the one where I am dancing for joy because BLISS and LOVE are all there needs to be in life.... As much as I would love to connect with someone new, I also need to do some, A LOT of self-discovery.... more so than I can fathom completely.

Music that is getting me through this drought, dry-spell, this trial of life is courtesy of Angels and Airwaves.... One in particular

* name altered

This is it.....

So things in my life seem to be intense, or a little bit too much for me to handle right now- so intense, by my standards.

I've been too caught up with facebook, my phone (even though no one really texts me) and I've made a decision to be apart and without these meaningless tools for a while... Sure, I'll still check my facebook account, my phone for messages (I have plans this Thanksgiving weekend with a friend and I will need to be able to reach her).... and even for an alarm clock in the morning, but I need to be with myself.... just with myself.... For a while.... really!!!!

Last night I talked with my dad and it was a difficult conversation full of emotion and impulsive reactions.... I need to really focus on decompressing and meditation- so that the mechanics and dynamics of last night's conversation do not replay themselves.

That package I bought myself this summer, for my birthday, I'm going to put it to good use and start implementing it.... This morning, you know how incredible it can feel to wake up with excitement, love and happiness? Well, I don't really have that with me right now, so I'm going to go shower, head to the University and complete this assignment I have due Friday than come home to do more work and really pick and choose which meditations I would like to follow within the next little while.... set goals and ambitions and Thrive.

I'm sick of feeling crappy. I know it's a choice and I'm going to change that for the better.

I'm by myself, so I'm going to really be by myself and see what happens, see how things start changing.... this has obviously been in the workings for a really long time, and its time I start releasing and focusing it.... I'm done with mindless BS. Things that no longer serve me. I'm ready to start listening to my heart-of-hearts and BEcoming who I am meant to BEcome, BEcoming one with Source, ..... my path is this.

Angelica* and Tom*

hmmmm, Angelica* I love you. And I very much enjoyed our time together today. As much as I feel a year ago I would have been hurt with the information you shared with me today, I could not be more happy. I love that you are happy. No regrets, right? WE are all where we need to be on our paths....

Today I saw a friend from a place I used to work at. We go to the same University and it had been a while since we last spoke to one another and caught up. She tells me that her and I guy I used to like are dating..... smile inducing ALL over. I have absolutely no hard feelings for either of them. They're happy, I'm happy. And I'm in a place right now where all I would like to do is love everyone. I feel an itch to be intimate with people too. Something my body is craving to explore.

I wrote the former portion of this post yesterday.

I am writing the latter portion of this post NOW. Today, I don't feel different however, there are just some things I feel need to also be mentioned. 1.) Guilt, I feel the guilt Angelica* felt is the something that brought us together- that instigated the get-together, she had to tell me about her and Tom*, otherwise the guilt would eat away at her... couldn't have that could we?- Guilt is something that is apart of the ego, and it's a drive to survive, because of the fear that if it is not taken care of, the ego will be annihilated. It's a very selfish emotion. I personally prefer to get together with someone because of the good feelings that are shared between us, not for anything presumably bad happening, or a feeling a guilt. I feel like it was such a botched plan...I actually feel a little hurt that the main reason why she was interested in hanging out was because of this. But, it is over and I reacted how I reacted and that's all. It's perhaps something that she needs to work on as that is where she is in her life right now.

2.) Confidence, I know there is a place where Angelica* feels so insecure  and self conscious and I would love for her to really step out of that doldrum of the mind, but again I am making a plenty of inference. Again, it' something that requires work and it's easier said than done, as well as something of what she needs to work through. 3.) Too open..... this is the part that gets me every time... I feel as though I AM too open with people, especially when her and I have drifted, and after yesterday's meeting, I feel we will possibly even continue to drift (and that's okay with me). But the information I share... hahaha when I get started I guess because I crave understanding from others that it's like a switch that is stubbornly ON as opposed to the easy to shut off switch. Areas of my life do not need to be shared with the entire world and I need to learn to shut off and partially shut down when I am asked to share.... Even though many people in my life, listen.... I've had enough. Maybe this is one of the bigger lessons I need to learn. After all everything that happens, happens with a Devine purpose in mind and me constantly being the one to talk or talk a lot, is exactly what needs to happen at that time.  And yesterday was attestament to how reserved I do need to be with certain individuals. Angelica* and Tom*, according to her, feed off each other. They are both air signs and it makes me somewhat sad that I have not found my Prince Charming yet (key word, my- as he will be Prince Charming according to my standards). Anyways so yes, a little envy, or perhaps coveting, even that though I need to feel and release because being jealous has no purpose in my life and is a waste of good, valuable energy that could otherwise be used positively.

There is a question that runs through my mind as well, "Would she stop seeing him if I was upset?" After all, we are not that close to justify an end of something that makes her happy. She owes me nothing.... But again, something that doesn't necessarily make sense to question being I responded the way I did and that is it!

All of life is great, and we shall see what the Universe has in store for me! :)

* name altered

The past to no feeling....

Last night I was watching Vampire Diaries, addictedly.... I was on the episode after Elena Gilbert turns off her feelings..... this part resonated.... mostly because of my neutrality of things over the past while... Last night I also went through to the past and found my way to someone's facebook page.... the person I mentioned in an earlier post... of me not caring how happy he was with and in his current relationship, with that girl after he went out with me one time (this sounds so petty).... And I looked at their pictures. I felt nothing, in fact their happiness was infectious and made me smile right through to my heart. There are no hard feelings toward either of them..... Perhaps there is a part of me that envies their relationship because I would love to be in one, but.... that is not where I am right now. In my life I am currently in a place of LOVE for everyone and everything, especially my brothers and sisters the trees, clouds, animals, and all another BEings that dwell on the Earth plain.

I was talking to my mom about my weekend in Peterborough and after my last encounter with the opposite sex, I really feel like I can just be with anybody and be comfortable with that, you know? Sex it up.

 That guy Darren*, from this summer... I ran into him today and he asked for my number, I gave it hesitantly.... who knows what is to happen... all I know is that I am where I need to be. I try not to think of the past too much, or care not of it. I look and live for the moment and try to make all the minutes of the day count.

Chi-mig-wetch! :)

You're still on my mind.

I'm thinking about you.... if I am still doing this within the next few days, there is no other thing for me to do but to let you know.... I hope all is well with you and that your life is where you'd like it be, where you need it to be!

Smiles and love

Hippie Weekend in the Sun.... and emptiness

Hmmmm, so there is a lot to say.... A lot I feel needs to be said... my life is splashed on to these postings...

This weekend... I had sex with a friend. I almost really don't know what to say as I am at a loss for words. He put me in this matrix and told me I may do things I wouldn't normally do (was this part of his plan? Did he even have a plan- I know it's cruel of me to possibly even consider these questions, but... Either way I take responsibility, I was there, it was my choice, I feel all different now though. Especially since he is atypical from the men I am usually attracted to... there was one part that simply drew me in.)....Anyways,  second sexual partner, unexpected, wonderful, loving, caring, all that someone could ask for... there is something that I feel is undoubtedly missing. He is a really beautiful person and I could feel that. Aside from that the whole experience has made me feel, a lot more.... So let me list some things I've discovered and learned from this experience, as all experiences earn you lessons, to move up and on with your life.

1.) I value relationships, while there are many different relationships one can have and for that matter, not have, in their life. I value the kind of relationship that one has in partnerships, companionships, marriage, togetherness, whatever one would like to call them. One-on-one, personal, intimate, beyond love, spiritual solidification of one's feelings for another. I do not, nor will I ever feel differently in this life about polygamy. I am without any hesitation a monogamist. So in this experience having someone to just have sex with, well it satisfied a need, but that comfort in knowing you are with someone for more than that physical act was simply not there.

2.) Communication. I also learned that while my sexual naivety can be construed as sexy or hot, or just attractive, it is also something that I do not desire. The strong person that I know I am outside of that environment needs to be present in the bedroom. She does, she just totally needs to be there- there is no contestation. Along with that strength there is a confidence that is so powerful that needs to be there too, and without the alcohol. I need to rip off that band-aid and be raw, animalistic, physical and yet interwoven with the other person that lets them know how deeply I feel for them. A feeling that can only truly be had in a LOVE relationship.Wow, I'm getting off topic a little bit. In terms of the confidence, I will get there. I know I will.. Patience is just a part of it and I also have no idea how many other attractive people the Universe will put in front of me- along my path that will help me bring it out. I don't feel I am meant to have many relationships. Sexual partners, well, practice makes perfect, right the more you have, the better at it you become.... This time around I realized how sexually shy I am. I don't verbalize things that need verbalization. That was an occurrence with the first guy too, but this experience made it more prevalent. I need to learn how to communicate better with the words I have within me.

3.) I think this is my final point. Emptiness. Since there was a lack of relationship so evident in this sexual encounter, I feel like the something missing is equivalent to the "emptiness". And that emptiness is the relationship I desire to be in one day, Hopefully soon. Third time is a charm.... and by this I mean third sexual partner is a charm... C'mon Universe, I implore you. I love thee nonetheless. Ah, what a synchronistic. This is so beautifully pleasant. I love it.

Wow, way to end off with a bang. 3... that's such a powerful number! Ah! :)

 Chi-mig-wetch! :)