Hmmmm, so there is a lot to say.... A lot I feel needs to be said... my life is splashed on to these postings...
This weekend... I had sex with a friend. I almost really don't know what to say as I am at a loss for words. He put me in this matrix and told me I may do things I wouldn't normally do (was this part of his plan? Did he even have a plan- I know it's cruel of me to possibly even consider these questions, but... Either way I take responsibility, I was there, it was my choice, I feel all different now though. Especially since he is atypical from the men I am usually attracted to... there was one part that simply drew me in.)....Anyways, second sexual partner, unexpected, wonderful, loving, caring, all that someone could ask for... there is something that I feel is undoubtedly missing. He is a really beautiful person and I could feel that. Aside from that the whole experience has made me feel, a lot more.... So let me list some things I've discovered and learned from this experience, as all experiences earn you lessons, to move up and on with your life.
1.) I value relationships, while there are many different relationships one can have and for that matter, not have, in their life. I value the kind of relationship that one has in partnerships, companionships, marriage, togetherness, whatever one would like to call them. One-on-one, personal, intimate, beyond love, spiritual solidification of one's feelings for another. I do not, nor will I ever feel differently in this life about polygamy. I am without any hesitation a monogamist. So in this experience having someone to just have sex with, well it satisfied a need, but that comfort in knowing you are with someone for more than that physical act was simply not there.
2.) Communication. I also learned that while my sexual naivety can be construed as sexy or hot, or just attractive, it is also something that I do not desire. The strong person that I know I am outside of that environment needs to be present in the bedroom. She does, she just totally needs to be there- there is no contestation. Along with that strength there is a confidence that is so powerful that needs to be there too, and without the alcohol. I need to rip off that band-aid and be raw, animalistic, physical and yet interwoven with the other person that lets them know how deeply I feel for them. A feeling that can only truly be had in a LOVE relationship.Wow, I'm getting off topic a little bit. In terms of the confidence, I will get there. I know I will.. Patience is just a part of it and I also have no idea how many other attractive people the Universe will put in front of me- along my path that will help me bring it out. I don't feel I am meant to have many relationships. Sexual partners, well, practice makes perfect, right the more you have, the better at it you become.... This time around I realized how sexually shy I am. I don't verbalize things that need verbalization. That was an occurrence with the first guy too, but this experience made it more prevalent. I need to learn how to communicate better with the words I have within me.
3.) I think this is my final point. Emptiness. Since there was a lack of relationship so evident in this sexual encounter, I feel like the something missing is equivalent to the "emptiness". And that emptiness is the relationship I desire to be in one day, Hopefully soon. Third time is a charm.... and by this I mean third sexual partner is a charm... C'mon Universe, I implore you. I love thee nonetheless. Ah, what a synchronistic. This is so beautifully pleasant. I love it.
Wow, way to end off with a bang. 3... that's such a powerful number! Ah! :)
Chi-mig-wetch! :)
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