This weekend here in Canada, was our Thanksgiving. My family no longer celebrates it, which I would like to change when I have kids. Instead, I went to my friends Thanksgiving. I've been there before, a few years back. This time it was different, Jyann*, another friend came with. :) The more the merrier, right?
Jyann*, Larena* and I, met up the previous day to make a sweet potato pie. We made the pie at my dad's place.... First time I've brought friends home to meet him and later my mom too. Divorced parents.... It wasn't bad, it went well and they seemed to really enjoy the parts of my life that I keep hidden.... Although, it's open to anyone who is interested and who I feel I have a good enough relationship with, to share it.
They're presence, in sharing with them my life, has made me feel like I am very fortunate. I have space- my own space, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a bike, everything I need for the time being and I am really grateful for it all. Sometimes, more often than not, I take for granted my parents and the love we share, but the truth is I love them completely and in a word, "owe" my life to them. I don't like to use the term, "owe" because it is language that indicates repayment back to someone and I am in no position, nor do I wish to be, of debt.. like I have an outstanding debt to them. They brought me up, help me become the person I am today and for that I am forever thankful. Them being my parents I love them unconditionally and I intend to help take care of them the way they have taken care of me, when the time is right.
It's not always easy to see what you have when you have it, instead it's easier for things to get out of hand and for you to get angry and caught up in a rush of emotions that do not serve you, even momentarily. and None of that is significant, because really what it comes down to is LOVE, love, LOVE.
From this day forward I will try to be more appreciative with what kind of life I do lead and be more LOVE-ing
I value the friendship and connection I have with these Jyann* and Larena*, very special friends. Space.... that theme has been prevalent in my life recently and it came up again yesterday, we as separate entities embodying the structures of our respective BEings, interpret and understand things differently, share in different/similar beliefs, hold various values in reverence, etc. and we all need space to be alone. That is what seemed like it was taking place.... Jyann* and I, while we were at Larena's* aunt's place (where Thanksgiving dinner was being hosted) it felt like we were the "outsiders".... at least to me a little bit, but it's not about being baby-sitted with those that brought us there 24/7 or, until we leave. But it's about us feeling comfortable in BEing alone there, while enjoying the company of others. In that, I would need to change my mindset also, as "outsiders" doesn't exist, and is a creation of my own mind that needs definitely to be nullified & negated.
These ladies are my hippie friends, free love all around the table, for everyone! They're spirits are vast and wonderful. I love and respect them. However they make me question things within myself, like, a certain mindset or beliefs that I need to drop or, a feeling or state of BEing that I have carried with me for a while and is essencly (this is a newly created word that needs to be used here!) a part of me. they make me call into question my LIFE. While it can be quite productive and effortful, it is also something that I am not ready for.... just yet anyway. It takes time to realize that where I am is not where I'd like to be and figure out changes that need to take place in my life. Often that is simply, Trail and error. Timing is everything, yes, time is a social construct and our beliefs around it are again, something that need to be altered but the time in my life, will come where I will need to think about this, and think about that....Not now. It will come up thoroughly when it needs to come up, perhaps I am also trying to put it off?
I've gotten the ball rolling with ideas as to what is to come within the next 6 months of my life... a world of possibilities. :)
I need to deal with me first... knowing myself, what I would like, my abilities, my joys, my pains, EVERYTHING! I need to figure it all out and BE or, DO it and drop what no longer serves me! That time is January and thereafter..... :)
Some other feelings I have had about Larena* and Jyann*, mostly about Jyann* though are those of envy and conceit. I get a sense of self-rightenousness from her. Sometimes when I tell her things, I need to be selective because of my non BEing where she is in Life - reaching a lot of realizations or having those within herself. She comes off as complacent and it makes me feel inadequate..... those are generally not feelings I'd like to have. and I need to loose that line of thinking... but again, for the time being it's a part of me. I can't help feel the way I feel.
I also feel a little jealous with how close her and Larena* are. I met Larena* first and since she's moved out of the city Jyann* and her have met and become excruciatingly close. I believe in horoscopes and they are a Gemini and Sagitarrius respectively and air feeds fire so, it is only natural & befitting that they would be close.... Especially closer than myself and Larena* or, myself and Jyann*. There is also, not always something to talk about.... which is completely fine and comfortable. People do not always have to be talking or conversing. Communication is happening in other ways too. :) The closeness Larena* and Jyann* have, bothers me because I haven't found my counterpart yet.... it's almost like, "Dear Universe, when?" But limiting beliefs that prevent me from living NOW.
So, that is this segment of my life.... the pie was alright!
* name altered
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