Oh Phil Boothstars, you always say what I need to hear. Thank you.

Today's Cancer Horoscope reads..."Problems spoil all the fun in life. In truth though, we really

ought to be more grateful for all those incessant challenges. They hone our skills of survival and 

force us to be innovative. Your troubles now have been sent to you by the muse of good fortune. 

It won’t be long before you handily beat them and realize how well the cosmos is looking after 

you."

While it feels like I have been hit with a thousand bricks, I'm still standing, bruised and battered perhaps, but still standing. I thank my lucky star and the wonderful Celestial alignment that is greeting me... Chi mig-wetch Universe. 

Going back in space and time, a good thing, or not?

THIS winter....

This Winter has truly been a long and heavy one.. It's been so extremely slow and tiresome.

I love spending time with myself, don't get me wrong, but it's time to meet new people! Seriously, I've been cooped up inside for too long and it's wearing me down...My choice, I know, it is rather the challenge to meet someone, or people in general in the cold, though.

Yesterday I left the house on a sour note. I was confused and ill-willed. Earlier I had read this quote about how when one lives through ego, they live to have things fall into place and then find their peace; whereas, if one lives through Spirit they seek to find their peace & then allow everything to fall into place... After reading this I was like,what is my peace? Chocolate? Stones? Being alone? and then I had this thought that I've been living through my ego (to an extent we all are, I mean living entirely through spirit.Well, I believe one doesn't reach that until they are really attuned with their intuition and have been living on their Spirit plain of existence for a while)... I am waiting for things to fall into place in my life, and then subsequently find my peace afterwards.... I could complain and list off all the things that I'd like to change about my life, but it would be a waste of my energy, because I know I need to make improvements to my life, in every aspect and it wouldn't serve me a great deal... or perhaps, it would serve me in the greatest of deals.

I don't like feeling like I am doing things in the wrong way. I need to continue to tell myself that there is absolutely no wrong way to do anything, it is all about your own perception about what it is you are doing and the way you are doing it. I also feel I need to meditate on this thought because it is a recurring one. WRONG vs. RIGHT.

As I continued walking toward my destination I remembered a more important revelation, "everything is exactly as it is meant to be" and "I am exactly who I need to be on this portion of my path" so regardless, of me feeling inadequate or confused about the way I am currently living, I know it is necessary for the development of my future, as my path unfolds beneath my feet.

I will also say this.... finding your peace is not an easy task... you need to know yourself well, and that is a difficult thing to do when you feel you've been lost for a long time... That is me, in a nutshell. This winter has turned my world upside down, inside out. I'm itchy and uncomfortable, constantly readjusting and I have been left feeling very lost. To the point of rediscovering myself as a pertinent undertaking. :)

See-through Grass

Vast Emptiness
Climbing
Swaying
Swiftly blowing
In the wind
Brown, so raw, it's rough
Green, so delicate, it's gentle
Blue, endless
Seeping in between
Earth smells
Beauty
Rich Calmness
Takes me away

~ written by Natasza Orozco Feick in Summer/Fall 2013

I am not a shallow person.

Admittedly, there is a preference for physical appearance in a potential mate, a possible partner. After all, one does need that component of physical attraction for the relationship to be a successful one. At least I value it and I believe it to be a necessary part of a relationship with a significant other.

This comes from a place where I recently responded to an ad on craigslist. An individual craving intimate moments with another, caressing, cuddling, kissing. I responded because I miss those moments too. Haven't had them in a while and they are essential. Living life alone, as amaZing as it can be, in getting to know yourself personally and being comfortable with who you are and to not be governed by anything other than your body, your soul and your spirit, having someone to hold you, well, there's nothing like that in the solo life....

I was not attracted to this guy once he sent me his picture. There were other things too that sent red flags up during our email exchange. I am thankful with how I handled things. As mean as it may sound, it feels like I dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful. I have learned my lesson and will no longer respond to personal ads online.

Thought I'd share. Since, there is a line between shallowness and preference and I walk it on a regular basis, as I am sure many others do I figured it would be a good share.

The other day I went and got some free fish and chips at this joint downtown. I thought the owner was hott, like craZy/ bEautiful good looking. I didn't know him though, at all, I had never talked to the guy and so my assessment of his hotness was solely based on his looks. And it is easy to see those that are good looking (according to what one considers to be pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, cute, hot, sexy, handsome, rigged, ad infinitum) from the day-to-day. The thing is, is unless we speak to these vessels of Love, it is hard to really know how compatible their BEing is with ours, on ALL levels (sexually, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally).

30 minutes earlier I had been oogling this guy on the streetcar, because he gave me a look prior to getting on, that read, "I want you!". And personally, I found him to be attractive, because of that look he gave me; rendering the raw, passionate, spontaneity a plausibility, but also, because of his demeanour, the colours he wore, what he wore, his overall look, everything about him was like.... fuck... I wanted to grab him, push him to the side and start making out with him. I mean this is based purely on lust, that's what physical attraction is, being drawn to someone because of what they look like.

And we do it on the regular.

Perhaps, this is my rectification for trying to feel less guilty for being attracted to a certain kind of guy.... But, I don't care... I have faith, belief and hope that the right person for me, will come into my life at the right time. The Universe is that Divinely perfect. Amen to that!

So I figured out the key to happiness... Just be! :)

Leftovers from yesterday...

Yesterday my mom told me that I am on the defence and that with her I shouldn't feel like I need to justify myself, shouldn't feel like I am under attack and that I shouldn't take things so damn personally...Well, that was a hard hit! ... How can I not feel the need to defend, when such comments are thrown my way, like daggers, or better put, darts.

I try to not take things personally... Really... It's kinda a hard task. Given the selfishness of two-leggeds. I know it is good to be selfish, sometimes ~ coming back to this balance theme, mentioned in a previous post. After all, we're alone when we are born and we are alone when we die, unless there is some homicide/suicidal romantic gesture such as portrayed in Romeo and Juliet, but even then, ultimately, the two souls being released from those two bodies are off exploring new adventures and walking their own new paths. Impermanence is the term I am looking for here. Our lives, here on this Earth, in this human Art form are temporary, temporary, temporary! It is only the life in between birth and death that we have the potential to not be alone, to make friends, make lovers, make partners, make family and walk with these people that are a apart of our lives, if only for the duration of our lives. These people whom are all equal to us and are, deeply at their core, LOVE.

What I know is this... even though my mom is my mom and I do love her dearly, more than words can say and she says and does things coming from the goodness of her heart. I am bothered by how directive (from what I understand) she feels she needs to be with my life. it is MY life... I don't appreciate the controlling nature of parents... yes, my dad might as well be fitted in there too. Do this Cinderalli, do that Cinderelli, Goddess, it feels like a whirlwind sometimes. Big Breath. Holy Goddess.

The other thing she mentioned was, "you need to go within and ask yourself if this line of thinking/ way of behaving is something that serves your highest and greatest good?"... Really mom, really? Again, to reiterate, this is MY path, MY path - the one I am walking here on the dark side of the street choosing to be a certain way, choosing to live my truth, as it feels it is mine right now. Yes, that gorgeous Mr. Sun is shining outside, but it is frigid cold out there too. And well, I am exactly where I need to be in my life, as of now. And maybe it is not something that serves my greatest and highest good, but it serves me on this part on my journey, at least for the time being...

I know I need to stop and think before I speak and speak only from my heart... the good place and embrace the darkness within me. These things are always, seem to be, easier said than done.

I don't like where I am now. This is something I recognize and a place I have been for a while something that I am hoping to change, something I believe will. When the time is right... I was told that being gentle with yourself is better than being hard on yourself, so I am going to practice that for a little while, see where it takes me.

Dear Universe,

I need a job. A job that will bring me great joy to get up on days I am working to go to. A job within reasonable distance from my house, a perfect bike ride away would be wonderful. A job that will earn me above minimum wage plus tips. A job that will enable me to meet a variety of new people, interact with them and show them my LOVE, daily. A job that I can be happy about. A job that I can learn things from. A job that would be a great fit for me. A job that is in alignment with who I am as a person, my values and what I stand for; honesty, high quality- organic, local, ethical food. A job that is all these things and so much more.

Sincerely,
Natasza

Haven't been here in a while...

I do not write as often as I once did. I miss it. Writing is the way I have always expressed myself, communicated- the way I made make sense of what I was feeling. And I have taken that away from myself. For no other reason than I simply did not feel like doing it, or much of anything at all. I still have remnants of those feelings within me, but I intend on breaking out of them, and breaking free! After all, writing is medicine and why on Earth I would take something healing and free away from myself has got me questioning and is something I cannot begin to fathom.

Winter Blues is what people, scientists perhaps, have called it. I personally feel it was defined as a way to make people feel okay, maybe even good about feeling stagnant and caught in a master spun spider's web this time of year. I am not in complete disagreeance with this. I encourage people, myself included to feel, really feel... get up close and personal with every and all feeling that they have within their BEing. This is something I have to work on for myself. With me though, I don't like to surrender to: submit to, society's terms, their rules... but I feel it is probably something much larger than society. It is more in alignment with humanity itself... and for individuals to recognize that this season is meant as a time to turn inward.  I have been continually revisiting this theme, time and time again. What I have found is that I like to be doing something. I love time with myself, but meeting new people, interacting is necessary too. you know Balance? Plus, I will distract myself somethin' fierce from knowing myself more intimately.

I have distracted myself frequently to avoid getting to know myself better. I'm scared of going inward. There, I said it.

This is something that just came to me... Snow.... it's white, clear water crystals are absorptive in nature. In Winter, we in the Northern Hemisphere are surrounded by snow between, give or take, the months of November/December through to March/April. Meaning all the good and the bad kind of feelings we are all feeling at this time of year, about our bodies, about our (current and future) careers, about where we are vs. where we would like to be financially, about our relationships (family, partner(s), friends, non-human companions, the relationships we have or, don't have with ourselves, the relationships we would like to have/develop/work on), about our lives in general, all get sucked into our BEing. We start to get more and more stir crazy with the passage of time and the entrance into Spring and all based on whether or not we have accepted and sat with these feelings and have shed them with the rebirth of ourselves into Spring, or if we have chosen to keep them, tightly interwoven within the darkness, the shadows of our BEing.

This now-realization has come to me... late in the season. I had all this time to be thinking feeling things out since I completed the courses I needed to finish my undergrad, back in December. But, at least now I have that knowledge regarding this time of year. The bluesiness of it all comes down to how you perceive it and what you are willing to do about it. For me, I have been, or so it would seem, wasting my time, day-in-day-out on my computer, looking for work and doing mediocre things, like watching a number of shows that bring me entertainment. Missing the BIG picture and quite simply and clearly put, negating the fact that I have all this time to work on myself, find my truth, BE, and thrive in my BEingness. It has been a challenge. The refraining from writing I have been doing has been a part of that blocked process, among other things that have occurred and continue, differently, to persist in my life. The things I allow to persist that is.

When I am in a rut, I do not feel self-motivated... I feel more inclined to wallow in my sorrow-filled feelings. Perhaps, a part of that is feeling sorry for myself, feeling sad, dreadful, depressed, lonely. You know? Taken separately I have not had a chance, I haven't given myself the chance to work and build a relationship with these feelings belonging to the dark side of my BEing, and know them intimately. I understand that you, I, we all need to have the darkness, in order to see the lightness within us, that mostly composes and reflects who/what we all are - souls on this Earth plain.

Winter Blues is something that often plague individuals within society who are
 for something more, particularly during the Winter Months. Winters in Toronto are so LONG... especially this one, 2013-2014. Given the way Mother Nature has been treating us all. I for one could use a break... HA, this is all a reflection of how humans- two leggeds have been treating our Earth Mother.

The sunshine has definitely helped a little in that regard, because; instead of feeling like not going out of the house and instead of feeling more reclusive than usual, I actually feel like breaking out and going for long walks with Grandfather Sun beating down on me, warming me, and gifting me with his light and love. I have been feeling a shift in Universal energies. We shall see how all things end up playing out in my life. :)