Haven't been here in a while...

I do not write as often as I once did. I miss it. Writing is the way I have always expressed myself, communicated- the way I made make sense of what I was feeling. And I have taken that away from myself. For no other reason than I simply did not feel like doing it, or much of anything at all. I still have remnants of those feelings within me, but I intend on breaking out of them, and breaking free! After all, writing is medicine and why on Earth I would take something healing and free away from myself has got me questioning and is something I cannot begin to fathom.

Winter Blues is what people, scientists perhaps, have called it. I personally feel it was defined as a way to make people feel okay, maybe even good about feeling stagnant and caught in a master spun spider's web this time of year. I am not in complete disagreeance with this. I encourage people, myself included to feel, really feel... get up close and personal with every and all feeling that they have within their BEing. This is something I have to work on for myself. With me though, I don't like to surrender to: submit to, society's terms, their rules... but I feel it is probably something much larger than society. It is more in alignment with humanity itself... and for individuals to recognize that this season is meant as a time to turn inward.  I have been continually revisiting this theme, time and time again. What I have found is that I like to be doing something. I love time with myself, but meeting new people, interacting is necessary too. you know Balance? Plus, I will distract myself somethin' fierce from knowing myself more intimately.

I have distracted myself frequently to avoid getting to know myself better. I'm scared of going inward. There, I said it.

This is something that just came to me... Snow.... it's white, clear water crystals are absorptive in nature. In Winter, we in the Northern Hemisphere are surrounded by snow between, give or take, the months of November/December through to March/April. Meaning all the good and the bad kind of feelings we are all feeling at this time of year, about our bodies, about our (current and future) careers, about where we are vs. where we would like to be financially, about our relationships (family, partner(s), friends, non-human companions, the relationships we have or, don't have with ourselves, the relationships we would like to have/develop/work on), about our lives in general, all get sucked into our BEing. We start to get more and more stir crazy with the passage of time and the entrance into Spring and all based on whether or not we have accepted and sat with these feelings and have shed them with the rebirth of ourselves into Spring, or if we have chosen to keep them, tightly interwoven within the darkness, the shadows of our BEing.

This now-realization has come to me... late in the season. I had all this time to be thinking feeling things out since I completed the courses I needed to finish my undergrad, back in December. But, at least now I have that knowledge regarding this time of year. The bluesiness of it all comes down to how you perceive it and what you are willing to do about it. For me, I have been, or so it would seem, wasting my time, day-in-day-out on my computer, looking for work and doing mediocre things, like watching a number of shows that bring me entertainment. Missing the BIG picture and quite simply and clearly put, negating the fact that I have all this time to work on myself, find my truth, BE, and thrive in my BEingness. It has been a challenge. The refraining from writing I have been doing has been a part of that blocked process, among other things that have occurred and continue, differently, to persist in my life. The things I allow to persist that is.

When I am in a rut, I do not feel self-motivated... I feel more inclined to wallow in my sorrow-filled feelings. Perhaps, a part of that is feeling sorry for myself, feeling sad, dreadful, depressed, lonely. You know? Taken separately I have not had a chance, I haven't given myself the chance to work and build a relationship with these feelings belonging to the dark side of my BEing, and know them intimately. I understand that you, I, we all need to have the darkness, in order to see the lightness within us, that mostly composes and reflects who/what we all are - souls on this Earth plain.

Winter Blues is something that often plague individuals within society who are
 for something more, particularly during the Winter Months. Winters in Toronto are so LONG... especially this one, 2013-2014. Given the way Mother Nature has been treating us all. I for one could use a break... HA, this is all a reflection of how humans- two leggeds have been treating our Earth Mother.

The sunshine has definitely helped a little in that regard, because; instead of feeling like not going out of the house and instead of feeling more reclusive than usual, I actually feel like breaking out and going for long walks with Grandfather Sun beating down on me, warming me, and gifting me with his light and love. I have been feeling a shift in Universal energies. We shall see how all things end up playing out in my life. :)