Friendship... what is it worth?

Tonight I friend of mine sent me a message. I deleted her from my phone so I didn't know who it was, I asked. After learning the identity of this person, I told her the truth of some feelings I have been having about her and her boyfriend. This was mentioned in a previous post of mine. I think I called her Angelica, in that post. In any case. She called it quits... I can't say that I am in fact really surprised, except I am. I thought perhaps her, our friendship meant more to her than it obviously came out as.

It's something small and pretty much meaningless if you take into consideration, the fact of our friendship ending because of a boy. But what can you do, sometimes people are in your life for only a short period of time, others are in it for the long haul and others still remain a part of your life, indefinitely.

A few other things, somewhat related to friendship. When I was in Peterborough last, over a month ago now, I had a liking toward someone... his name, Jack*. I didn't know what to make of it, I still don't know what to make of it, but I know that I posted something on my facebook account. He responded and kept the conversation going with another one of my friends, who I don't really talk to anymore, other than on FB and I feel, while she fulfilled the purpose of clarifying his misunderstanding, I need to admit that I was jealous... I am still feeling some of that jealousy. Perhaps not really because of her, or him, but because of myself. I feel like he is ignoring me or, disregarding what it is I said... Who likes to be negated? Ignored? NO ONE!!!! everyone loves to be recognized and it feels like I'm going craZy trying to understand people and their actions. Maybe I am not meant to understand them at all. Instead, let it all go, hang loose and just BE. It feels like I am going to break soon, just crack in two with everything going on.

Today, I haven't talked to my sister, not even once. What do you make of that??? We live in the same house... what the fuck!

This is kind of how I feel.

What if?

Sometimes I wonder what if?

What if I kissed him that night? Would we have kept in touch? Would we be together today? Does he have a kid or, kids? Is he happy? Would he have been with me? Would I have lost my virginity that night? He would have been my first forever-remembered kiss and it would have been great and wonderful and splendid because it was us... One crazy night of drinking way too much for our own good. Lost memories, lost actions, lost souls trying to find our way back out of the darkness... what darkness? the darkness that was the night itself? the darkness that our doings placed us in? What would I have done had I allowed him to kiss me? Would I have clung on so tight of something that could possibly blossom? Was it, would it have been a lost cause? All for nothing? All for everything? What if when he came in that day with his grandma, I had not run away but stayed to talk to him? Get to know him... would it have been worth it? was it worth it to live all this time wondering all these questions?

What if I didn't go to school after I got back from nine months of volunteering? What if I was working? Would I be happy? Would I have found what it is I love doing? Would I be where I need to be? No, because where I need to be is right where I am today! Would I have still met all the incredible people I have on my journey thus far in my life? Would I be where I am spiritually today, had I not return to higher learning? Would I be further ahead? behind even? What would I be doing with my life? Would I have moved out? Would I not be living in Toronto at all? If the first set of questions had anything to do with the second set, would I be living elsewhere in Canada? Saskatchewan? With him? Would I not even be in Canada? If I didn't go to school after that year across the Nation, then I wouldn't be currently supporting an educational system that represses and neglects the importance of Indigenous cultures and ways of learning.... this one is the biggest regret I have. Going to school to learn things I could have learned on my own, on my own time, at my own pace and all for a fraction of the cost I paid. Perhaps not exposing myself to the content I have learned and the people I have met, but still...

What if that guy that came up to me in that car that day while I was walking up to Starbucks... Yeah, him, what if I gave him my number when he asked? What if I got in his car with him? And he took me away with him? I don't want to go as far as to ask, what if we went and had incredible, in-the-moment sex because as I recall he looked like my brother and apart from that being incestuous and me not agreeing with that AT ALL, EVER. it would also be incredibly raunchy and sick of me to think like that. But what if he were kind and sweet and respectful, like the first guy... the very first guy.... And I spent time with him only to realize how different he was from my brother.

I try to live my life, no regrets! There is no point, ever to really think back and wonder what if? because lets face it, we're here and not there, not where we might have been. And we have no way of really knowing what would have happened or come of our life, if I made this decision rather than that one- it's not fruitful to think like this, instead what is fruitful, is exactly living in the moment and recognizing and accepting all that IS and has become a part of your current life. It makes very little sense to look back in deep curiosity or, wonderment and ask, what if? Because the truth of the matter is that those choices you made are what brought you exactly to where you are now and that is exactly where you need to be... We all do it though, from time to time, think about the past loves, the past almost loves, the choices we made, but none of it matters anymore... one of the greatest perils of living. One of the greatest prospects is knowing that you have the power to make your life become what you'd like it to be.... How truly inspiring.

Chi mig-wetch

Number 2.

Lately I have been having this over-welming feeling of resentment toward my sister. I am not a fan of it and I know that in order for these feelings to be released they need to be fully felt or, shared. I'm sharing now in hopes this will lessen it's pervasiveness.

She's not being open with me. Since everyone and every situation is a reflection of yourself and what is going on in your life, is this an indication that I am not being open with her? I am not, and for good reason! She doesn't let me in and it's killing me. That is not to say that I can't share things with her, but it's difficult when things are only one way and there is little to no reciprocity. I know the bitterness and all the bad feelings are there if I let them persist, but when your in a circumstance that disallows healthy communication, how can one grow, flourish, fly and thrive. One thrives in spite of these things, as their existence in your life makes you a stronger, the strongest person. This resentment I feel is also closely tied to bitterness.

I feel like she doesn't care about our relationship. She seldom asks about my day, about me... then again I seldom share when she does... overall difficult situation. Silence permeates the space between us when we are in a room together. Neither of us talks, there is just nothing, almost nothing... if it were nothing would I be writing about it?  The more I think about it, the more I think the best solution is for me to go away... anywhere. Peterborough, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Zealand, Ireland... anywhere! Anywhere, but here...

Then I think how cowardly that would be, running away from your problems. How can one grow and learn from them, from their life, if they are not present to experience it in its totality... It's too easy. This is a cliff  that I need to jump (I do not mean in the suicide kind of way, I mean in a letting go of control and freeing oneself kind of way), a mountain I need to climb, a lake I need to swim across, a path that I need to walk, alone, perhaps. Yet I also know I am never alone in this, in any of this...

Chi miigwetch!

When? What is all this? Really?

Sometimes I find myself thinking forever more that I would be happy if I were in a relationship. I know that I have so much that I can offer someone... a partner. But I also know how Divinely guided the Universe is and that everything happens for a reason and in me not finding someone yet suitable for me, is all part of the plan the Universe has for me and my significant other. As much as I think about and focus on desiring a relationship... I know it will happen when the time is right. I've just gotta be patient and trust the Universe.

I do find though, more often than not when I notice how happily together others appear, it makes me wonder When will my special person come into my life? Really Universe? I'm 24 years beautiful. I have to remind myself... in due time.... It's frustrating, especially when I think that being involved with someone will be a huge problem solver. hA.. I know it won't be... there are so many people out there that are unhappy in their relationships, and I am not seeking unhappiness. I'm seeking BLISS with another person, pure unadulterated BLISS.... In any case... it's hard work... K* said that it'll happen, soon, for me and that it's not as easy as it looks... I realize and know this... and it's something else entirely to truly know yourself first and foremost. I need this relationship with myself to continue to grow & flourish, so that when the time is right I will be open and willing. How can one be with someone else, if they don't know how to be with themselves first???? This to me is the larger and far more important question....

It's halloween after all. Time to embrace and rejoice in all the glory that is existence and life itself, as we know it and have come to know and understand it, because of all those that came before us and all those that will come after us... I honour you.

Chi Mig-wetch Universe.

*name altered

Hi Universe

OH Great Creator,

Thank you so much for the gift of Nature to be wit me this time of month.

Love.

Chi-mig-wetch!

For all that have no idea what I am talking about, my period. I received flow yesterday and the reason I am happy is because my last sexual encounter brought with it a little smidgen of doubt. There was a point during that I wasn't sure of.... but the Universe has brought with it strength, courage, trust and assurance. The Universe is always on my side, doing things in my favour.....SO happy right now!

Embrace the day that is.... in all it's beauty. :)

Gratefulness & friends

This weekend here in Canada, was our Thanksgiving. My family no longer celebrates it, which I would like to change when I have kids. Instead, I went to my friends Thanksgiving. I've been there before, a few years back. This time it was different, Jyann*, another friend came with. :) The more the merrier, right?

 Jyann*, Larena* and I, met up the previous day to make a sweet potato pie. We made the pie at my dad's place.... First time I've brought friends home to meet him and later my mom too. Divorced parents.... It wasn't bad, it went well and they seemed to really enjoy the parts of my life that I keep hidden.... Although, it's open to anyone who is interested and who I feel I have a good enough relationship with, to share it.

They're presence, in sharing with them my life, has made me feel like I am very fortunate. I have space- my own space, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a bike, everything I need for the time being and I am really grateful for it all. Sometimes, more often than not, I take for granted my parents and the love we share, but the truth is I love them completely and in a word, "owe" my life to them. I don't like to use the term, "owe" because it is language that indicates repayment back to someone and I am in no position, nor do I wish to be, of debt.. like I have an outstanding debt to them. They brought me up, help me become the person I am today and for that I am forever thankful. Them being my parents I love them unconditionally and I intend to help take care of them the way they have taken care of me, when the time is right.

It's not always easy to see what you have when you have it, instead it's easier for things to get out of hand and for you to get angry and caught up in a rush of emotions that do not serve you, even momentarily. and None of that is significant, because really what it comes down to is LOVE, love, LOVE.

 From this day forward I will try to be more appreciative with what kind of life I do lead and be more LOVE-ing

I value the friendship and connection I have with these Jyann* and Larena*, very special friends. Space.... that theme has been prevalent in my life recently and it came up again yesterday, we as separate entities embodying the structures of our respective BEings, interpret and understand things differently, share in different/similar beliefs, hold various values in reverence, etc. and we all need space to be alone. That is what seemed like it was taking place.... Jyann* and I, while we were at Larena's* aunt's place (where Thanksgiving dinner was being hosted) it felt like we were the "outsiders".... at least to me a little bit, but it's not about being baby-sitted with those that brought us there 24/7 or, until we leave. But it's about us feeling comfortable in BEing alone there, while enjoying the company of others. In that, I would need to change my mindset also, as "outsiders" doesn't exist, and is a creation of my own mind that needs definitely to be nullified & negated.

These ladies are my hippie friends, free love all around the table, for everyone! They're spirits are vast and wonderful. I love and respect them. However they make me question things within myself, like, a certain mindset or beliefs that I need to drop or, a feeling or state of BEing that I have carried with me for a while and is essencly (this is a newly created word that needs to be used here!) a part of me. they make me call into question my LIFE. While it can be quite productive and effortful, it is also something that I am not ready for.... just yet anyway. It takes time to realize that where I am is not where I'd like to be and figure out changes that need to take place in my life. Often that is simply, Trail and error. Timing is everything, yes, time is a social construct and our beliefs around it are again, something that need to be altered but the time in my life, will come where I will need to think about this, and think about that....Not now. It will come up thoroughly when it needs to come up, perhaps I am also trying to put it off?

I've gotten the ball rolling with ideas as to what is to come within the next 6 months of my life... a world of possibilities.  :)

I need to deal with me first... knowing myself, what I would like, my abilities, my joys, my pains, EVERYTHING! I need to figure it all out and BE or, DO it and drop what no longer serves me! That time is January and thereafter..... :)

Some other feelings I have had about Larena* and  Jyann*, mostly about Jyann* though are those of envy and conceit. I get a sense of self-rightenousness from her. Sometimes when I tell her things, I need to be selective because of my non BEing where she is in Life - reaching a lot of realizations or having those within herself. She comes off as complacent and it makes me feel inadequate..... those are generally not feelings I'd like to have. and I need to loose that line of thinking... but again, for the time being it's a part of me. I can't help feel the way I feel.

I also feel a little jealous with how close her and Larena* are. I met Larena* first and since she's moved out of the city Jyann* and her have met and become excruciatingly close. I believe in horoscopes and they are a Gemini and Sagitarrius respectively and air feeds fire so, it is only natural & befitting that they would be close.... Especially closer than myself and Larena* or, myself and Jyann*. There is also, not always something to talk about.... which is completely fine and comfortable. People do not always have to be talking or conversing. Communication is happening in other ways too. :) The closeness Larena* and Jyann* have,  bothers me because I haven't found my counterpart yet.... it's almost like, "Dear Universe, when?" But limiting beliefs that prevent me from living NOW.

So, that is this segment of my life.... the pie was alright!

* name altered

Is this my wake up call?

Hurts.... I have loved you ever since I learned of your existence....

And you are most certainly making a come-back in my life. :) Thank you for this blessing.

Chi-mig-wetch