My name is Natasza, and we know each other.
My last entry was about mine leaving my former job... Ah. I need to be more on top of maintaining and writing for this blog.... Dear Fear, I am ready to put you back where you belong!!!
Lately I have been feeling like I need to face my fears of life... become more resilient, and BE one with whatever comes my way... "good" or "bad" as both of these possibilities are opportunities to grow and learn and become a better person. It's a challenge, but one I am willing to tackle!
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Friday, 14 November 2014
Something to write home about!
Dear Epstein*,
I sought out a job at your shoppe with the intention of it working out, for the both of us. I was unaware that things would turn and I would realize I do not like it as much as I had originally hoped I would. I was really looking forward to learning a great deal of what I had not been exposed to, prior to commencing my employment with you. Along with, helping you out as a sole proprietor.
I was looking for a small business that I could learn and grow from, so that I could develop my own. This did not happen. Perhaps, neither of us gave it a chance. Perhaps, we gave it just the chance it needed. There was so much going on and at a rate faster than what I am really willing to go at. Because of this, I decided the work environment (at your shoppe) was far too stressful for me... I put pressure on myself, you put pressure on me, some of this coming from both of us was visible and invisible alike, yet it was present nonetheless.
Who likes pressure? Who likes stress?
Although people may be accustomed to that, as it accompanies most, if not all "work" environments and people have succumbed to that pressure and have forfeited their sanity, their well being, their energy and vibration, for work's sake. I am an individual to which I love myself too much to put myself through anything less than what I deserve! I DESERVE TO BE ALIGNED WITH MY SOULS GREATEST AND HIGHEST GOOD~ MY CALLING IN LIFE! We all deserve this!
I did not intend for it to be this way. Although there are no hard feelings or ill thoughts harboured on my behalf against you, there are some things you ought to know and I would like to, I will, share them here.
When I first started, yes I was excited, beyond belief, eager even because I had found, I had thought I had found a place that I could situate myself and both parties would benefit equally. Little did I know, although I quickly learned, which caused my feelings of excitement and eagerness to dissipate, this was going to be very different from the expectations I had, although did not convey. This is why expectations are ill-fated because one can either be disappointed or overjoyed as to how what they wanted, turned out. I don't feel particularly disappointed. In fact, I feel quite happy that I've decided to do what I have- resign, although the repercussions of that decision seem to be rather unpleasant. As much as the both of us would like for it to be okay, there appears to be an incongruency, resulting in us to feel well, tense around one another...and a little (if not a lot) off put by each other.
Anyways... expectations, speaking of which, yours of me and how long it would take a newbe sales person to get acquainted with sales lingo, your sales approach, everything that you could ask and want in the "perfect" sales person, well, your expectations were very unclear... In fact, they were not really mentioned, much less understood. Here is where a question or questions, asked on my part would have been a good idea. And maybe the expectations you had of me were mentioned and my brain is unable to, at this time, account for that exact conversation where the terms of my employment were stated. Either way, we both could have done better at communicating with one another, what each of us would like to gain from this employee-employer relationship and meet halfway. There was no halfway point. Instead, it was me pulling at a rope and you pulling on that same rope at the opposite end and that friction/pressure caused it to snap and break, leading to us each picking up our half of the rope and individually making sense, trying to make sense, of what happened...
What is done is done and the majority of this does not matter at all, yet I feel it necessary to share for the sake of sharing it as well as, and more importantly, getting the weight of keeping this inside, off of my shoulders.
Everyday, practically everyday I would be working and you would be there, I felt undermined. Yes, you wanted me to learn and you taught me in a manner that did in a way, "baby" me, as I then felt I couldn't spread my wings fully, without you there to support me. Yet, I am a very strong and POWERFUL woman and am fully capable of flying on my own. Thank you though for your support. Due to your presence, as well-meaning as it was, it placed me in a position where I felt you were contradicting yourself. You'd say, "act as though I am not here" and then you would be there, basically implying that you didn't trust me to do the job that I have attempted to do for the past month. This lack of trust in the process, has been by far the most challenging thing I've had to experience throughout the course of my employment with you. Again, this is where I could have spoken up. Furthermore, when you are around, my energy and BEing do, naturally change because it seems, I feel like you are watching me, supervising my every move, making sure I do it right and correcting me if I don't (do it up to your standard of right). This is an all too familiar theme for me. Hahahaha.
The comments you made to me yesterday were sharp and harsh. I know you said you could be blunt and for me not to take any of your comments personally, because after all, it is not about me. It is about you. I feel I have done this exceptionally well. Given my receptivity and openness toward things you do say. I try my best to not allow it to seep into my BEing- there is especially, no point to give those negative thoughts/words/exchanges energy. You are, in a way, my elder and I respect you. I have sincerely tried my best to convey that. I feel bad it has been misunderstood and ill-perceived. While I am talking or typing this, I feel it best to mention also that there were a number of times that you felt you picked up on something that was not there from my end, ie. Something you perceived from me that was not my intention of having been perceived as such, at all, by anyone, let alone by yourself.
And that my dear, is your own creating. You feel something is there, when it is not. And that tends, I have noticed, to get out of hand. You blow it up and make it a mass that doesn't need to grow. These are a couple things that have gone one way when they could've gone the other. 1.) Me thinking you an asshole, or there being a face I make that apparently, according to you, conveys such a message to an individual. Nope, I most assuredly do not think you an asshole, quite the contrary really, I think you can be very wonderful and lovely, so long as you're not getting after one/me for doing something not the "Epstein* way". 2.) The big one from yesterday is you thinking I am ripping you off. If you feel that way, why are paying me for hours I am not actually working??? It is my observation that this indicates, yes, how true to your word you are, yet more so, a self fulfilling prophecy. Whereby, in order to be right, you are doing this thing to make yourself appear in a lighter, light & to be right (I really don't like to type this, say it, much less, think it) and to make yourself appear (more) "generous" (which you are already!), so that you can feel good about yourself ( Perhaps now, I am the one doing the projecting), but also, so it would make more sense to claim that I am trying to rip you off, which by the way I am not trying to do at all!
I can fully see where you are coming from though, from the end where I started out not knowing really much about the Epstein's* sales approach and learning what it is about, getting three pieces of very expensive, good quality, built-to-last, locally made and natural clothing, for free. Getting a discounted blanket and other cardigan- another two fairly priced items. Me giving you my notice and paying me for more than what (I perceive) you feel I am worth (this sentence has so much negative energy attached to it, as I feel I AM worth every penny! and of course I am). However, from an employer's perspective paying me how much you are paying me per hour and then sales not being met (up to your standard), while other things that help everything else, get done, well, I can see why you would feel the way I feel you feel- frustrated, angry, resentment, jealousy; sadness, pain. Additionally, you allowing me to work for two more weeks, to get paid, as opposed to dismissing my employment on the spot. You are and have been incredibly generous to me, and I would like to thank you Epstein* ! THANK YOU!
The timing was there, set in place because of your need to work rapidly and efficiently and you needing the same from your employee(s). I, being unable to provide this felt it best to terminate my own employment because I would really, sincerely and truly wish for you and your business to be successful and I felt with my performance not matching with what you were hoping it would match up with & you entering your busy season, it was the best decision I made. Again, if you weren't busy applying the pressure for me to speed up my pace I would be more willing to continue to try, but the expectations would have been best to stipulate from the start and for you to share with me how patient you were willing to be with someone with minimal sales skills.
My approach, gentler and while different, still has the potential to illicit the same warmth from customers. It's problematic because it is not your approach and you've had the experience of a lifetime to know so much more than I and you profess this quite a bit (if you sense a sarcastic tone there is one, because this has lead me to feel like I have not been good enough for your business, from the start and I am moving away from that. I honour myself & in so doing realize it wasn't a good fit and am moving on). And that's fine. Again, it's your story you're writing. Going from point A to point B, with little to no snags, without my awkward, fumbly, you-have-more-experience-than-I-so-let-me-throw-myself-under-the-bus-and-allow-you-to-take-over, ways, is difficult, was difficult. I was out of my element and you've got that gumption and confidence because you've been in the industry all your life. So, stating outright again, that I lack that-confidence, as much as I have tried to not allow it to penetrate me and get through to my BEing, it has undeniably, degreely gotten through . For, I am 100% confident that I can be confident, IN MY ELEMENT! And to think, to expect that of someone when they are trying to learn.... wow! Just wow! Kind of unreasonable, don't you think?
There are many should'ves, could'ves, would'ves in this posting. Usually it's best to negate these, as they help one to focus on what should've been said/done, what could've been said/done, so that the result would've been different. This leads to thinking of ways to have changed the past, which then leads further into regret. And I regret nothing! Everything is Divinely perfect. I am exactly who I am to be at this part on my path and I am exactly where I am meant to be on my journey as well.
I'd like to give this interesting situation the kind of energy it deserves and that is one of light and love; gratitude is what I feel because these circumstances are healing and positive, as it is with everything and with tough "interesting" situations that we learn the most, about ourselves, about our journey and if we are lucky, about others too!
So, Chi miig wetch Universe for this experience, for me manifesting it to occur in the way it has and for what I have learned and will continue to learn & for the feelings that will continue to unravel, with the passage of time. Chi miig wetch!
*Epstein was the name that first came to mind, upon looking it up I had no idea he was the famed British sculpture artist who modeled portraits of the famous including the likes of Einstein himself .
I sought out a job at your shoppe with the intention of it working out, for the both of us. I was unaware that things would turn and I would realize I do not like it as much as I had originally hoped I would. I was really looking forward to learning a great deal of what I had not been exposed to, prior to commencing my employment with you. Along with, helping you out as a sole proprietor.
I was looking for a small business that I could learn and grow from, so that I could develop my own. This did not happen. Perhaps, neither of us gave it a chance. Perhaps, we gave it just the chance it needed. There was so much going on and at a rate faster than what I am really willing to go at. Because of this, I decided the work environment (at your shoppe) was far too stressful for me... I put pressure on myself, you put pressure on me, some of this coming from both of us was visible and invisible alike, yet it was present nonetheless.
Who likes pressure? Who likes stress?
Although people may be accustomed to that, as it accompanies most, if not all "work" environments and people have succumbed to that pressure and have forfeited their sanity, their well being, their energy and vibration, for work's sake. I am an individual to which I love myself too much to put myself through anything less than what I deserve! I DESERVE TO BE ALIGNED WITH MY SOULS GREATEST AND HIGHEST GOOD~ MY CALLING IN LIFE! We all deserve this!
I did not intend for it to be this way. Although there are no hard feelings or ill thoughts harboured on my behalf against you, there are some things you ought to know and I would like to, I will, share them here.
When I first started, yes I was excited, beyond belief, eager even because I had found, I had thought I had found a place that I could situate myself and both parties would benefit equally. Little did I know, although I quickly learned, which caused my feelings of excitement and eagerness to dissipate, this was going to be very different from the expectations I had, although did not convey. This is why expectations are ill-fated because one can either be disappointed or overjoyed as to how what they wanted, turned out. I don't feel particularly disappointed. In fact, I feel quite happy that I've decided to do what I have- resign, although the repercussions of that decision seem to be rather unpleasant. As much as the both of us would like for it to be okay, there appears to be an incongruency, resulting in us to feel well, tense around one another...and a little (if not a lot) off put by each other.
Anyways... expectations, speaking of which, yours of me and how long it would take a newbe sales person to get acquainted with sales lingo, your sales approach, everything that you could ask and want in the "perfect" sales person, well, your expectations were very unclear... In fact, they were not really mentioned, much less understood. Here is where a question or questions, asked on my part would have been a good idea. And maybe the expectations you had of me were mentioned and my brain is unable to, at this time, account for that exact conversation where the terms of my employment were stated. Either way, we both could have done better at communicating with one another, what each of us would like to gain from this employee-employer relationship and meet halfway. There was no halfway point. Instead, it was me pulling at a rope and you pulling on that same rope at the opposite end and that friction/pressure caused it to snap and break, leading to us each picking up our half of the rope and individually making sense, trying to make sense, of what happened...
What is done is done and the majority of this does not matter at all, yet I feel it necessary to share for the sake of sharing it as well as, and more importantly, getting the weight of keeping this inside, off of my shoulders.
Everyday, practically everyday I would be working and you would be there, I felt undermined. Yes, you wanted me to learn and you taught me in a manner that did in a way, "baby" me, as I then felt I couldn't spread my wings fully, without you there to support me. Yet, I am a very strong and POWERFUL woman and am fully capable of flying on my own. Thank you though for your support. Due to your presence, as well-meaning as it was, it placed me in a position where I felt you were contradicting yourself. You'd say, "act as though I am not here" and then you would be there, basically implying that you didn't trust me to do the job that I have attempted to do for the past month. This lack of trust in the process, has been by far the most challenging thing I've had to experience throughout the course of my employment with you. Again, this is where I could have spoken up. Furthermore, when you are around, my energy and BEing do, naturally change because it seems, I feel like you are watching me, supervising my every move, making sure I do it right and correcting me if I don't (do it up to your standard of right). This is an all too familiar theme for me. Hahahaha.
The comments you made to me yesterday were sharp and harsh. I know you said you could be blunt and for me not to take any of your comments personally, because after all, it is not about me. It is about you. I feel I have done this exceptionally well. Given my receptivity and openness toward things you do say. I try my best to not allow it to seep into my BEing- there is especially, no point to give those negative thoughts/words/exchanges energy. You are, in a way, my elder and I respect you. I have sincerely tried my best to convey that. I feel bad it has been misunderstood and ill-perceived. While I am talking or typing this, I feel it best to mention also that there were a number of times that you felt you picked up on something that was not there from my end, ie. Something you perceived from me that was not my intention of having been perceived as such, at all, by anyone, let alone by yourself.
And that my dear, is your own creating. You feel something is there, when it is not. And that tends, I have noticed, to get out of hand. You blow it up and make it a mass that doesn't need to grow. These are a couple things that have gone one way when they could've gone the other. 1.) Me thinking you an asshole, or there being a face I make that apparently, according to you, conveys such a message to an individual. Nope, I most assuredly do not think you an asshole, quite the contrary really, I think you can be very wonderful and lovely, so long as you're not getting after one/me for doing something not the "Epstein* way". 2.) The big one from yesterday is you thinking I am ripping you off. If you feel that way, why are paying me for hours I am not actually working??? It is my observation that this indicates, yes, how true to your word you are, yet more so, a self fulfilling prophecy. Whereby, in order to be right, you are doing this thing to make yourself appear in a lighter, light & to be right (I really don't like to type this, say it, much less, think it) and to make yourself appear (more) "generous" (which you are already!), so that you can feel good about yourself ( Perhaps now, I am the one doing the projecting), but also, so it would make more sense to claim that I am trying to rip you off, which by the way I am not trying to do at all!
I can fully see where you are coming from though, from the end where I started out not knowing really much about the Epstein's* sales approach and learning what it is about, getting three pieces of very expensive, good quality, built-to-last, locally made and natural clothing, for free. Getting a discounted blanket and other cardigan- another two fairly priced items. Me giving you my notice and paying me for more than what (I perceive) you feel I am worth (this sentence has so much negative energy attached to it, as I feel I AM worth every penny! and of course I am). However, from an employer's perspective paying me how much you are paying me per hour and then sales not being met (up to your standard), while other things that help everything else, get done, well, I can see why you would feel the way I feel you feel- frustrated, angry, resentment, jealousy; sadness, pain. Additionally, you allowing me to work for two more weeks, to get paid, as opposed to dismissing my employment on the spot. You are and have been incredibly generous to me, and I would like to thank you Epstein* ! THANK YOU!
The timing was there, set in place because of your need to work rapidly and efficiently and you needing the same from your employee(s). I, being unable to provide this felt it best to terminate my own employment because I would really, sincerely and truly wish for you and your business to be successful and I felt with my performance not matching with what you were hoping it would match up with & you entering your busy season, it was the best decision I made. Again, if you weren't busy applying the pressure for me to speed up my pace I would be more willing to continue to try, but the expectations would have been best to stipulate from the start and for you to share with me how patient you were willing to be with someone with minimal sales skills.
My approach, gentler and while different, still has the potential to illicit the same warmth from customers. It's problematic because it is not your approach and you've had the experience of a lifetime to know so much more than I and you profess this quite a bit (if you sense a sarcastic tone there is one, because this has lead me to feel like I have not been good enough for your business, from the start and I am moving away from that. I honour myself & in so doing realize it wasn't a good fit and am moving on). And that's fine. Again, it's your story you're writing. Going from point A to point B, with little to no snags, without my awkward, fumbly, you-have-more-experience-than-I-so-let-me-throw-myself-under-the-bus-and-allow-you-to-take-over, ways, is difficult, was difficult. I was out of my element and you've got that gumption and confidence because you've been in the industry all your life. So, stating outright again, that I lack that-confidence, as much as I have tried to not allow it to penetrate me and get through to my BEing, it has undeniably, degreely gotten through . For, I am 100% confident that I can be confident, IN MY ELEMENT! And to think, to expect that of someone when they are trying to learn.... wow! Just wow! Kind of unreasonable, don't you think?
There are many should'ves, could'ves, would'ves in this posting. Usually it's best to negate these, as they help one to focus on what should've been said/done, what could've been said/done, so that the result would've been different. This leads to thinking of ways to have changed the past, which then leads further into regret. And I regret nothing! Everything is Divinely perfect. I am exactly who I am to be at this part on my path and I am exactly where I am meant to be on my journey as well.
I'd like to give this interesting situation the kind of energy it deserves and that is one of light and love; gratitude is what I feel because these circumstances are healing and positive, as it is with everything and with tough "interesting" situations that we learn the most, about ourselves, about our journey and if we are lucky, about others too!
So, Chi miig wetch Universe for this experience, for me manifesting it to occur in the way it has and for what I have learned and will continue to learn & for the feelings that will continue to unravel, with the passage of time. Chi miig wetch!
*Epstein was the name that first came to mind, upon looking it up I had no idea he was the famed British sculpture artist who modeled portraits of the famous including the likes of Einstein himself .
Saturday, 1 November 2014
Discovery 101
So, I made a discovery and I am going to share it here.
I've embarked upon a journey that is both scary and exhilarating. More exhilarating than anything!
For the past little while, I've been employed by places that don't satisfy my crave to do something that sings to my heart and opens my soul to experience life as I am meant to experience it.
So... I've decided to resign my latest position, which is in sales and work on something I love.... Dreamcatchers! Connecting with the unseen forces and Spirits of Nature and creating a healing Dreamcatcher for those that are open to honouring all that beings that are encompassed in making one... it's also apart, a very large part of my healing journey and my self-creation.
That's right, I'm making Dreamcatchers and going to be showcasing them in an upcoming gallery's X-mas show, as well as... well, I won't share too much of the other part just yet.
Today, I went into my friend, Herbert's * thrift shoppe, about 10 minutes from my house. Herbert* wasn't there, instead it was another person who my friend had watching the shoppe for a little while. Herbert's* sister got knee surgery and needs Herbert* there to help with the recovery.
So, I went in to pick up some things and ask Herbert* if I could hang a few Dreamcatchers in his window. Some people are particular about that... This other guy, let's call him Smith* who I spoke to about my Dreamcatchers, said that it would for sure not be a job that can help bring in income- he asked me what I am doing, and I told him making dreamcatchers. He told me of a friend of his who did that back in Hungary, Smith* is from Hungary and he said that his friend was doing that on the side of his other job and that's when he said what he did.... PSHHHH...I was taken aback and off put by his unsupportive remarks.
When I left to walk the piece of furniture I picked up, home, I started ruminating over, "why did I allow his comments to hit me in the manner they did?" And then the answer came to me....
First off I'd like to say words are fuckin' powerful, so powerful and when something someone says rubs one the wrong way or makes one feel any less than amaZing, walk away!
So, my discovery was that the reason I disliked his viewpoint is because it was unsupportive and it did not agree with mine, and that is, that it is remarkable what I will be embarking upon and whoever doesn't like it... Well, that's okay, it's not for the approval of everyone and some people are going to love it and others not and that's okay.
Smith* is entitled to his opinion, yet furthermore the reason I was disgruntled was because I grew up with a highly unsupportive father, who time and time again, in spite of my efforts to seek his approval and his support, would simply be disappointed because it was unattainable. And those kinds of unsupportive, critical comments make one feel like staying silent for fear of being acknowledged in a manner that differs from the intended acknowledgement. ie, one of "OMGosh that's so cool," One more aligned with support and "approval" <-- this is something I further need to reflect on.
One is discouraged from opening up to that person, or anyone for that matter because they continually feel like they are lessened in the eyes of others, made to feel inadequate, and not good enough. When quite the contrary is true... All that matters is my opinion of me, so why do I give a shit what people think of my path?! It's not their's to understand, it's MINE!
So, I've realized this and I've realized that since it has been evident in my childhood, I have shown my father my back, at times, as I choose not to open up to him because of his critical, unsupportive nature. Unfortunately, that is the case. I would like to say that it is only parts of me that shut down and turn away but it's more of myself, more like all of me that has done this, which has in turn lead to my father feeling rejected or that he is not close to me. It's kind of his own doing.
The other thing that crossed my mind was why do we humans spend so much time bringing people down as opposed to lifting them up? Why waste our energy on de-valueing? Do we not know any better? And then I realized some more that people are writing their own stories, what Smith said to me, was a reflection of his own feelings of himself and what he chooses to do, or not do, also, some people live to put others down, it's their only way of being successful.
WOW, all of these discoveries made me laugh to myself and thank Smith* for his interaction with me, without which I would not know something deeper about myself.
I've embarked upon a journey that is both scary and exhilarating. More exhilarating than anything!
For the past little while, I've been employed by places that don't satisfy my crave to do something that sings to my heart and opens my soul to experience life as I am meant to experience it.
So... I've decided to resign my latest position, which is in sales and work on something I love.... Dreamcatchers! Connecting with the unseen forces and Spirits of Nature and creating a healing Dreamcatcher for those that are open to honouring all that beings that are encompassed in making one... it's also apart, a very large part of my healing journey and my self-creation.
That's right, I'm making Dreamcatchers and going to be showcasing them in an upcoming gallery's X-mas show, as well as... well, I won't share too much of the other part just yet.
Today, I went into my friend, Herbert's * thrift shoppe, about 10 minutes from my house. Herbert* wasn't there, instead it was another person who my friend had watching the shoppe for a little while. Herbert's* sister got knee surgery and needs Herbert* there to help with the recovery.
So, I went in to pick up some things and ask Herbert* if I could hang a few Dreamcatchers in his window. Some people are particular about that... This other guy, let's call him Smith* who I spoke to about my Dreamcatchers, said that it would for sure not be a job that can help bring in income- he asked me what I am doing, and I told him making dreamcatchers. He told me of a friend of his who did that back in Hungary, Smith* is from Hungary and he said that his friend was doing that on the side of his other job and that's when he said what he did.... PSHHHH...I was taken aback and off put by his unsupportive remarks.
When I left to walk the piece of furniture I picked up, home, I started ruminating over, "why did I allow his comments to hit me in the manner they did?" And then the answer came to me....
First off I'd like to say words are fuckin' powerful, so powerful and when something someone says rubs one the wrong way or makes one feel any less than amaZing, walk away!
So, my discovery was that the reason I disliked his viewpoint is because it was unsupportive and it did not agree with mine, and that is, that it is remarkable what I will be embarking upon and whoever doesn't like it... Well, that's okay, it's not for the approval of everyone and some people are going to love it and others not and that's okay.
Smith* is entitled to his opinion, yet furthermore the reason I was disgruntled was because I grew up with a highly unsupportive father, who time and time again, in spite of my efforts to seek his approval and his support, would simply be disappointed because it was unattainable. And those kinds of unsupportive, critical comments make one feel like staying silent for fear of being acknowledged in a manner that differs from the intended acknowledgement. ie, one of "OMGosh that's so cool," One more aligned with support and "approval" <-- this is something I further need to reflect on.
One is discouraged from opening up to that person, or anyone for that matter because they continually feel like they are lessened in the eyes of others, made to feel inadequate, and not good enough. When quite the contrary is true... All that matters is my opinion of me, so why do I give a shit what people think of my path?! It's not their's to understand, it's MINE!
So, I've realized this and I've realized that since it has been evident in my childhood, I have shown my father my back, at times, as I choose not to open up to him because of his critical, unsupportive nature. Unfortunately, that is the case. I would like to say that it is only parts of me that shut down and turn away but it's more of myself, more like all of me that has done this, which has in turn lead to my father feeling rejected or that he is not close to me. It's kind of his own doing.
The other thing that crossed my mind was why do we humans spend so much time bringing people down as opposed to lifting them up? Why waste our energy on de-valueing? Do we not know any better? And then I realized some more that people are writing their own stories, what Smith said to me, was a reflection of his own feelings of himself and what he chooses to do, or not do, also, some people live to put others down, it's their only way of being successful.
WOW, all of these discoveries made me laugh to myself and thank Smith* for his interaction with me, without which I would not know something deeper about myself.
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
Monday, 29 September 2014
Connection... simple connection presently!
"Don't settle!" She tells herself. "But look, feel that connection, it's okay! Nothing else matters but those feelings of yours!" She tells herself afterward as a way to justify her new feelings of a boy, more like a guy, man, gentleman she met weeks earlier... She can't quite put her finger on it, but the connection is there, so presently! He looks familiar too, very much so. Like she's known him elsewhere...
What is one to do if they have a certain set of characteristics, a list of what they are looking for in THEIR perfect mate and yet the first guy they meet by person-to-person interaction is not what they were hoping to manifest, yet they have this exhilarating feeling when talking with them? Do they settle, give it a go? Continue along the path of least resistance and be friends? Being friends is awesome, cool, good, great and all things kind of wonderful, but it's not the same as building a connection based on mutual attraction, on the mind, body and spirit levels! Or maybe, that's what the friendship does... is create a foundation of connection for those things and upon entering into a relationship builds up on that foundation.
A thought just came to me that I need to live in the now and focus on the moment I am living, THIS INSTANT, as opposed to what is going to happen if we continue to talk and talk and talk? Big deal, two people are talking, that is it! That is all they are doing, talking and connecting!
What is one to do if they have a certain set of characteristics, a list of what they are looking for in THEIR perfect mate and yet the first guy they meet by person-to-person interaction is not what they were hoping to manifest, yet they have this exhilarating feeling when talking with them? Do they settle, give it a go? Continue along the path of least resistance and be friends? Being friends is awesome, cool, good, great and all things kind of wonderful, but it's not the same as building a connection based on mutual attraction, on the mind, body and spirit levels! Or maybe, that's what the friendship does... is create a foundation of connection for those things and upon entering into a relationship builds up on that foundation.
A thought just came to me that I need to live in the now and focus on the moment I am living, THIS INSTANT, as opposed to what is going to happen if we continue to talk and talk and talk? Big deal, two people are talking, that is it! That is all they are doing, talking and connecting!
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
In ONE person
In one person I have found many of the places I wish to go. THAT IS INSANE!!!!How can one have the money to travel to so many places? I guess it's all in how one handles their cash flow and the thoughts they carry with them in order to attract that abundance into their life....
I am in awe and a little shock. Surprisingly, I am not jealous. I think it's absolutely wonderful that someone has traveled so far; both physically traversed various terrain, as well as come so far on their path (from my impression). I am just, wow! In shock a little but not so surprised, because it seems like you have things in your life that take you to those places. Yet, still WOW!!!
You've been to a few of the places to wish I would like to go, I will go, someday, eventually, when the time is right! I also think that it is wonderful that you have found a partner that speaks to your heart and soul. And that you two are able to travel to places together, live forwardly and energetically.
You're a gypsy energy and I need to meditate on this.
The thing that possibly affects me the most about you. Is that you are comfortably in your path and I, well, I am where I am and I need to accept & respect that. I also have absolutely no idea what your journey is all about, which is why comparative thinking is not beneficial and it certainly does not serve me.
Danke
I am in awe and a little shock. Surprisingly, I am not jealous. I think it's absolutely wonderful that someone has traveled so far; both physically traversed various terrain, as well as come so far on their path (from my impression). I am just, wow! In shock a little but not so surprised, because it seems like you have things in your life that take you to those places. Yet, still WOW!!!
You've been to a few of the places to wish I would like to go, I will go, someday, eventually, when the time is right! I also think that it is wonderful that you have found a partner that speaks to your heart and soul. And that you two are able to travel to places together, live forwardly and energetically.
You're a gypsy energy and I need to meditate on this.
The thing that possibly affects me the most about you. Is that you are comfortably in your path and I, well, I am where I am and I need to accept & respect that. I also have absolutely no idea what your journey is all about, which is why comparative thinking is not beneficial and it certainly does not serve me.
Danke
Friday, 22 August 2014
I caved....Caves are pretty darn cool... it's where stones form... the Universe knows how much I love Stones!
So I caved and looked you up. I don't have any feelings of regret or anger toward either of you.... I just smile at you two together. It's good that you're happy and it seems to fit. Looking at one of your pictures, I thought to myself, "what was ever the big deal?"
My partner is in the waiting...
My partner is in the waiting...
Yesterday's
Today I woke up angry.... I was doing fine when I went to work. Afterward though my anger thoroughly progressed! I wanted to feel it.... and feel it fully, I don't think I ever really got there... Although this entry, here and now is helping in that department, a little bit.
I'm doing slightly better now. Except as I am writing this all those feelings of anger are flooding back, because I haven't yet released them, or let them go, or fully felt them! Most of my feelings of anger are steaming from my current perceived lack of control, on the events of my life... This morning as I rode my bike to work, I thought of my future home, what it would look like, where it would be (the Eastern Coast) and I had a very vivid image in my head about me walking out the front door, and/or working in and around the house. It was a very clear vision and it felt incredible!
So, those were positive feelings I felt this morning!
When I get to work, all I was doing today, was helping with favours, simple enough, bow-tying..... OH boy, how one has no ideal, how challenging of a task bow-tying can be... Precision is everything and perfection is closely paired with that! Every single bow has to be perfect.... and that is not easy at all, considering one has their own idea of perfection and an expectation within themselves in order to produce x amount of perfect bows. Simply put, perfection is in the eye of the beholder! So, what one may deem perfect, another may not... But that aside, I think I did fairly well on bow-tying, it was extremely time consuming in getting those bows to my perfection.
I had the anticipation of finishing all these favours (approximately 117 in all), yet I spent too daunting of a time on each one, trying to get it just right and finished probably under half. Still, a great accomplishment, since I was working on my own. All in all, it's over and really has no bearing on my life anymore.
AFter my shift, I pick up my tip money... lovely I thought... pleasantly more than I was feeling I would receive. I had intentions of not spending it, but depositing it and making a payment toward my credit card. Unfortunately, I spent some of it... more than I was expecting (there's that word again!).
I finally get home, only to discover that there is not much in the way of food here for me to eat... "First world problems Natasza, first world problems!" I am, bottom line, thankful for the gifts today brought my way.... I'm going to stop here as I need not go on in my complainin' ways. But be appreciative and grateful for all that I do have because it is enough.
I will however, mention a few other things that have been on my mind lately.
1.) As I sat tying these bows today, I thought, "wow, how privileged are we, am I to be sitting here tying these bows and getting paid to do so (this is a thought I had just then, as I was writing this) and how privileged are the people in which these favours are for, to be able to afford them, for whatever occasion they are for, while others halfway around the world are struggling to survive!" Yes, it is this undercurrent of thought that makes it important to be thankful for all that one has. Always! Or, to spend some time in the attitude of gratitude daily.
2.) This one is slightly longer than the first one. I recently went through all my University stuff... I was getting rid of some things that really no longer have a place in my life, or my future (what purpose will it serve other than to take up space?). We're talking a box full of notes and ideas that I wrote down all throughout my past 4 years of University, in hopes that it would help me understand and grasp the concepts that I was taught. If only for that short period of time; the hour, the day, the week, the month, the semester, the year to which my brain absorbed this information.
As proof of my University degree, going in the recycling bin, I took a couple of pictures of all the paper I shredded and thought to myself, "wow, I wonder how many trees died in the name of my education!?" This really stuck with me... I mean I had so much scrap paper and so much shredded paper that it was difficult to digest that all for one and one for all took place, and I am nowhere near the only person who graduated this year, or in the history of all years, who took notes, printed lecture notes, slides, who ultimately, has also had a number of trees die in the name of their education too... In the end, all I wanted was ONE piece of paper, the one that says I now hold an Undergraduate Bachelor's degree in Arts and Contemporary Studies. And all these pieces of paper that were either shredded, scraped, or kept, all served their purpose in getting me that one sheet of paper, which is, in addition to all the money my post secondary education cost, meaningless to me now.
Sure, I gained plenty of experiences and met a lot of cool, interesting people, and people I could stand but not spend time with, as well as people that I would never see again... or maybe I will, but spending four years of my life in an institution that was founded on the pre, present and post colonial ideals of oppression, hits me the hardest! And I need to make my peace with this, because at the end of the day it was my choice to go to University. At the time I really wanted it and I was eager and it was what I needed. Had I not, I wouldn't have learned all that I have learned, met all that I have met and done so, all for my soul's progression on this Earth. My experiences were not ALL good, but they never are, the perceived "bad" things that occur in one's life, all take place for one to grow, learn, adapt, change, thrive and this is such a blessing. Everything leads to everything else and I am grateful for my path, exactly as it has occurred whether I attempt to deny that, feel indifferent, or not care, at the end of the day, I am thankful.
Big breath! Okay, now I am ready to get on with my day! Hope all of you are too! :)
I'm doing slightly better now. Except as I am writing this all those feelings of anger are flooding back, because I haven't yet released them, or let them go, or fully felt them! Most of my feelings of anger are steaming from my current perceived lack of control, on the events of my life... This morning as I rode my bike to work, I thought of my future home, what it would look like, where it would be (the Eastern Coast) and I had a very vivid image in my head about me walking out the front door, and/or working in and around the house. It was a very clear vision and it felt incredible!
So, those were positive feelings I felt this morning!
When I get to work, all I was doing today, was helping with favours, simple enough, bow-tying..... OH boy, how one has no ideal, how challenging of a task bow-tying can be... Precision is everything and perfection is closely paired with that! Every single bow has to be perfect.... and that is not easy at all, considering one has their own idea of perfection and an expectation within themselves in order to produce x amount of perfect bows. Simply put, perfection is in the eye of the beholder! So, what one may deem perfect, another may not... But that aside, I think I did fairly well on bow-tying, it was extremely time consuming in getting those bows to my perfection.
I had the anticipation of finishing all these favours (approximately 117 in all), yet I spent too daunting of a time on each one, trying to get it just right and finished probably under half. Still, a great accomplishment, since I was working on my own. All in all, it's over and really has no bearing on my life anymore.
AFter my shift, I pick up my tip money... lovely I thought... pleasantly more than I was feeling I would receive. I had intentions of not spending it, but depositing it and making a payment toward my credit card. Unfortunately, I spent some of it... more than I was expecting (there's that word again!).
I finally get home, only to discover that there is not much in the way of food here for me to eat... "First world problems Natasza, first world problems!" I am, bottom line, thankful for the gifts today brought my way.... I'm going to stop here as I need not go on in my complainin' ways. But be appreciative and grateful for all that I do have because it is enough.
I will however, mention a few other things that have been on my mind lately.
1.) As I sat tying these bows today, I thought, "wow, how privileged are we, am I to be sitting here tying these bows and getting paid to do so (this is a thought I had just then, as I was writing this) and how privileged are the people in which these favours are for, to be able to afford them, for whatever occasion they are for, while others halfway around the world are struggling to survive!" Yes, it is this undercurrent of thought that makes it important to be thankful for all that one has. Always! Or, to spend some time in the attitude of gratitude daily.
2.) This one is slightly longer than the first one. I recently went through all my University stuff... I was getting rid of some things that really no longer have a place in my life, or my future (what purpose will it serve other than to take up space?). We're talking a box full of notes and ideas that I wrote down all throughout my past 4 years of University, in hopes that it would help me understand and grasp the concepts that I was taught. If only for that short period of time; the hour, the day, the week, the month, the semester, the year to which my brain absorbed this information.
As proof of my University degree, going in the recycling bin, I took a couple of pictures of all the paper I shredded and thought to myself, "wow, I wonder how many trees died in the name of my education!?" This really stuck with me... I mean I had so much scrap paper and so much shredded paper that it was difficult to digest that all for one and one for all took place, and I am nowhere near the only person who graduated this year, or in the history of all years, who took notes, printed lecture notes, slides, who ultimately, has also had a number of trees die in the name of their education too... In the end, all I wanted was ONE piece of paper, the one that says I now hold an Undergraduate Bachelor's degree in Arts and Contemporary Studies. And all these pieces of paper that were either shredded, scraped, or kept, all served their purpose in getting me that one sheet of paper, which is, in addition to all the money my post secondary education cost, meaningless to me now.
Sure, I gained plenty of experiences and met a lot of cool, interesting people, and people I could stand but not spend time with, as well as people that I would never see again... or maybe I will, but spending four years of my life in an institution that was founded on the pre, present and post colonial ideals of oppression, hits me the hardest! And I need to make my peace with this, because at the end of the day it was my choice to go to University. At the time I really wanted it and I was eager and it was what I needed. Had I not, I wouldn't have learned all that I have learned, met all that I have met and done so, all for my soul's progression on this Earth. My experiences were not ALL good, but they never are, the perceived "bad" things that occur in one's life, all take place for one to grow, learn, adapt, change, thrive and this is such a blessing. Everything leads to everything else and I am grateful for my path, exactly as it has occurred whether I attempt to deny that, feel indifferent, or not care, at the end of the day, I am thankful.
Big breath! Okay, now I am ready to get on with my day! Hope all of you are too! :)
Friday, 8 August 2014
Belated Birthday greeting
So I received your birthday note in the mail today... why I feel angry is this.... you sense bitterness... how, dare, you! As early as 15 minutes ago I was harbouring real punch-walls kind of anger. Now, probably in part because I am listening to calming, soothing music I no longer feel those feelings of rage and contempt!
There are a number of reasons why I was feeling the way I was on my birthday...Although there is absolutely no point in rehashing that all here. Plus I do not wish to share that with you, I do not need to explain my feelings away, until I am blue in the face!!!! C'mon, we're barely there for one another anymore. I don't really know who you are, although I have some minor knowledge in that department. And I am completely okay with us not being friends... and I also gotta say I sensed you might be sending me something in the mail... because in all honesty, I was starting to ask myself, "how could she have forgotten my birthday". Our dynamic is very interesting...
Essentially what it comes down to, in how I am these days, is feeling disappointed with where my life is right now... it is not where I would like it to be, but the good news is that it is exactly where it needs to be for the time being and I am making my peace with that. There is no need to hold negative feelings toward you because you are out and traveling, making money, being outside, meeting incredible people; "beautiful souls" (is what you mentioned in your note), all activities to which I would love to entertain... yet find it difficult because the people I meet seem to be interested in things I am not (to put it gently) and that's okay too, everyone is on their path. I do not need to feel jealousy toward you because you are doing things that I would like to be doing, because I am exactly where I need to be and you are as well, right where you need to be.
Even though your heart may be very much in the right place I do not care to share with you the going-ons of my life, because I feel I am not in a good place... but I am in reality. I am somewhere between feeling happy and content, to almost getting there too, if that is a possibility. I seem to have made it one... I need to continually remind myself to accept what is, make peace with it, and focus on my desires.. as there are plenty and plenty of this life, I would like to enjoy... So instead of wallowing in bitterness and anger and scorn, I might as well put my energy to good use and do something that will make my heart sing and that includes some of my daily tasks for the day! Furthermore, detail has no place in our friendship.... I've realized that being concise with you is perfect!
There are a number of reasons why I was feeling the way I was on my birthday...Although there is absolutely no point in rehashing that all here. Plus I do not wish to share that with you, I do not need to explain my feelings away, until I am blue in the face!!!! C'mon, we're barely there for one another anymore. I don't really know who you are, although I have some minor knowledge in that department. And I am completely okay with us not being friends... and I also gotta say I sensed you might be sending me something in the mail... because in all honesty, I was starting to ask myself, "how could she have forgotten my birthday". Our dynamic is very interesting...
Essentially what it comes down to, in how I am these days, is feeling disappointed with where my life is right now... it is not where I would like it to be, but the good news is that it is exactly where it needs to be for the time being and I am making my peace with that. There is no need to hold negative feelings toward you because you are out and traveling, making money, being outside, meeting incredible people; "beautiful souls" (is what you mentioned in your note), all activities to which I would love to entertain... yet find it difficult because the people I meet seem to be interested in things I am not (to put it gently) and that's okay too, everyone is on their path. I do not need to feel jealousy toward you because you are doing things that I would like to be doing, because I am exactly where I need to be and you are as well, right where you need to be.
Even though your heart may be very much in the right place I do not care to share with you the going-ons of my life, because I feel I am not in a good place... but I am in reality. I am somewhere between feeling happy and content, to almost getting there too, if that is a possibility. I seem to have made it one... I need to continually remind myself to accept what is, make peace with it, and focus on my desires.. as there are plenty and plenty of this life, I would like to enjoy... So instead of wallowing in bitterness and anger and scorn, I might as well put my energy to good use and do something that will make my heart sing and that includes some of my daily tasks for the day! Furthermore, detail has no place in our friendship.... I've realized that being concise with you is perfect!
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Being your own boss is..... ROCKS!
So, I've thought about this one long and hard... no sexual innuendos please!
There are so many reasons why being your own boss is great. Here are some of my reasons as I take steps toward sole proprietorship.
1.) You get to set your own hours, which means late mornings- one can sleep in until 11 (yes please!), late nights - one can work until 2am, this is mostly if you have a creativity stream going and things are flowing through you and need their time to flow, early mornings- one can start as soon as they wake up, if they wish, several days of your choosing, off, in a row can be had- one can take a road trip, or take some time to enjoy Nature; bike trails, creature teachers, the wonderful woRks that Mother Earth has to offer! BLISS!
2.) You can work in your home office... at home in your pj's sipping coffee or tea in your favourite mug, while listening to your favourite music... whatever that may be. AWESOME!
3.) All the money, time, energy, effort, all go toward you and your business. This means that if you have a problem, you make a decision to fix it, oneself. POWER!
4.) Since you are your own boss you have the power, to control what you can about your business. You are in charge and that feels pretty darn incredible! :) HAPPINESS!
5.) The interview is eliminated; the nervousness one feels during the spontaneous asking of questions that best qualify you for the position you are applying for is not present, therefore one can feel more at ease. LIGHT!
I realize that I am creating the space currently for myself in moving forward in achieving this endeavour, yet these are key points that I felt needed to be shared, as they have been on my mind lately.
There are so many reasons why being your own boss is great. Here are some of my reasons as I take steps toward sole proprietorship.
1.) You get to set your own hours, which means late mornings- one can sleep in until 11 (yes please!), late nights - one can work until 2am, this is mostly if you have a creativity stream going and things are flowing through you and need their time to flow, early mornings- one can start as soon as they wake up, if they wish, several days of your choosing, off, in a row can be had- one can take a road trip, or take some time to enjoy Nature; bike trails, creature teachers, the wonderful woRks that Mother Earth has to offer! BLISS!
2.) You can work in your home office... at home in your pj's sipping coffee or tea in your favourite mug, while listening to your favourite music... whatever that may be. AWESOME!
3.) All the money, time, energy, effort, all go toward you and your business. This means that if you have a problem, you make a decision to fix it, oneself. POWER!
4.) Since you are your own boss you have the power, to control what you can about your business. You are in charge and that feels pretty darn incredible! :) HAPPINESS!
5.) The interview is eliminated; the nervousness one feels during the spontaneous asking of questions that best qualify you for the position you are applying for is not present, therefore one can feel more at ease. LIGHT!
I realize that I am creating the space currently for myself in moving forward in achieving this endeavour, yet these are key points that I felt needed to be shared, as they have been on my mind lately.
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
A hinge of jealousy....
Okay I'm jealous of you. I thought those feelings were gone, but seems they keep on reappearing to teach me something. First of all, things seem to come fairly easily to you. That's fine, we each have a different life story. However, this is something that bothers me. Perhaps, because I am certain I could have things come to me easily too. It's all a part of my manifestation capabilities. Yet, when I see how much "fun" it is you're having, where it is you are, making money in doing something that currently resonates with you. I like to see you happy, I do. But and this one has been coming up to me in other relationships too, is that I would like to be happy FIRST and stay there.... this is competitive mind-body thinking and it can be controlled if I would like it to be. Sometimes I allow ("bad") thoughts to run wild and it's not exactly the smartest thing. I need to sit with these feelings a little bit.... I could say, "it feels like I'm stuck", "I'm struggling to align myself with things that sing to my heart and soul (this one is partially true, but more so I am able to do things in the realm of hobbies, nothing, as of yet to help sustain me in living in a city)", yet saying anyone of these things will make it become reality. After all, we create our reality and mine, is one that I'd prefer to have these feelings dealt with, in order to continue along my path.
If I look into this further I can ask why do I feel the need to compete against you. We are both on different plains. No comparison is necessary to begin at attempting to comprehend this. You are intellectual and while that is a tremendous gift, I live differently. I understand and accept these differences. My competitive nature has come forward quite a bit in my life and has launched me... probably... I'd like to say, ahead in many areas and aspects, but ultimately it has lead me here, in going deeper and delving into the root reason behind why I feel the need to compete against others... the reason, can be found in my childhood... I am aware I do this continually, although I try not to... and in truth, the only person I compete against daily, is the person I was yesterday.
So, while you are doing your own thing and I appreciate your contribution toward the world and how you are being of service, by planting trees. You are you, and I am me.
If I look into this further I can ask why do I feel the need to compete against you. We are both on different plains. No comparison is necessary to begin at attempting to comprehend this. You are intellectual and while that is a tremendous gift, I live differently. I understand and accept these differences. My competitive nature has come forward quite a bit in my life and has launched me... probably... I'd like to say, ahead in many areas and aspects, but ultimately it has lead me here, in going deeper and delving into the root reason behind why I feel the need to compete against others... the reason, can be found in my childhood... I am aware I do this continually, although I try not to... and in truth, the only person I compete against daily, is the person I was yesterday.
So, while you are doing your own thing and I appreciate your contribution toward the world and how you are being of service, by planting trees. You are you, and I am me.
Monday, 28 July 2014
You, all you are is a memory, a passing thought that I refuse to give life to! Although... how harmful would it be if I did.
Today for the first time in a really long time, I thought about you and all because of a song that played on the playlist at my work. It made me smile, to remember you, yet sad, somewhat, at the thought of what happened between the two of us. We were, are, wonderful individually, and probably would've been together, yet things didn't work out and there are no should'ves, could'ves, would'ves. There is... it, nothing else.
I am so tempted to look you up online. There are a number of people who remind me of you in my present life and I love that but at the same time, while I am sitting here, drinking a soda (I NEVER drink soda!), typing these words, I am thinking of you. Do I even cross your mind? And if not, why am I allowing you to have this power of thought over me, especially when, bottom line, you treated me in the way you did?!? It makes no sense! A thought crossed my mind today as I was thinking of you and that was... why did you choose her over me? What was it about me that was so completely unappealing to you? And then I caught myself... why am I thinking detrimentally.... why? why? why? It absolutely makes no sense!!!!!!! After all, I deserve someone that will treat me like the goddess I am and someone that will place me as number one, not second to someone else (with the possible exception of themselves) and I will achieve that I believe it and believe in the benevolence of this great Universe!
I am so tempted to look you up online. There are a number of people who remind me of you in my present life and I love that but at the same time, while I am sitting here, drinking a soda (I NEVER drink soda!), typing these words, I am thinking of you. Do I even cross your mind? And if not, why am I allowing you to have this power of thought over me, especially when, bottom line, you treated me in the way you did?!? It makes no sense! A thought crossed my mind today as I was thinking of you and that was... why did you choose her over me? What was it about me that was so completely unappealing to you? And then I caught myself... why am I thinking detrimentally.... why? why? why? It absolutely makes no sense!!!!!!! After all, I deserve someone that will treat me like the goddess I am and someone that will place me as number one, not second to someone else (with the possible exception of themselves) and I will achieve that I believe it and believe in the benevolence of this great Universe!
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
I don't know, you name it!
Last night I went out. I haven't in forever! It was a reunion/welcome back party type event. It was good. Usually in groups, it takes me a while to really open up. Especially since it was more of a sit down and chat kind of venue. I have to feel comfortable first. Last night is a case in point and not like I needed to really justify or explain myself, because I am going through a lot of changes in my life and generally no explanations are ever needed, but I shared this with our special guest. It felt strange to be sitting there and feel more comfortable with one-on-one interactions. The expectations I have of myself are fairly high, and I need to constantly be reminded to be gentle, it does no one good esp. yourself to be hard on yourself.
Anyways I have a confession to make that I am only willing to make here, in the safety of my own blog... I used to work with someone whom I adored, and I still adore. He sat next to me. It felt great! However, he is and has been involved in a relationship for a while now.... a solid 6-7 years. And I am not the type of person to share feelings with someone in the chance that they would end up leaving me in the least desirable position, especially given one's current partnership. I respect him enough to know that he is happy and that makes me feel good. Sure, part of me wishes it was with me, but we're all growing up and growing apart and thats okay. With him there was always a sense of comfort because it was easy to talk to him and we got along great. Last night was an exception to that because it was my first social gathering in a long time and I'm adjusting to that... If I did it on a regular basis it would be totally different, but I felt all round awkward.... but again gentleness is good! And awkwardness, even better! :)
Anyways I have a confession to make that I am only willing to make here, in the safety of my own blog... I used to work with someone whom I adored, and I still adore. He sat next to me. It felt great! However, he is and has been involved in a relationship for a while now.... a solid 6-7 years. And I am not the type of person to share feelings with someone in the chance that they would end up leaving me in the least desirable position, especially given one's current partnership. I respect him enough to know that he is happy and that makes me feel good. Sure, part of me wishes it was with me, but we're all growing up and growing apart and thats okay. With him there was always a sense of comfort because it was easy to talk to him and we got along great. Last night was an exception to that because it was my first social gathering in a long time and I'm adjusting to that... If I did it on a regular basis it would be totally different, but I felt all round awkward.... but again gentleness is good! And awkwardness, even better! :)
Friday, 20 June 2014
transforming the dark to light.. becoming the butterfly.
Today feels like a good day to write... I haven't written anything in a really long time and for those that have found this blog and read it regularly, or an infrequent basis, or have stumbled on it and are reading it for the first time. Thank you. Even though no comments have been made i do appreciate the readership.
So, it's been about a few months since my last post and I've been feeling a lot of changes, some gradual, some eventual, but changes nonetheless and with that comes adjustment, and the death and rebirth cycle of many patterns of mine that have been discovered, and need to be released from my BEing, as I no longer need them... Yet, recalling what I recently heard not necessarily even shedding them, but looking at them in a new light, a different perspective and allowing myself to reclaim all the parts of me that I've come to realize are parts of my darkness.
We all have darkness and we all have light. One cannot have one without the other. It is important that we REclaim these parts (the dark) of ourselves and allow them to transform from the chrysalis to the butterfly... doing this requires gentle love and shifting our conscious from lower- seeing our negative attributes as parts of ourselves to be overcome and obliterated, to higher consciousness- seeing our darknesses and transforming them to lightness. Here is a video I watched that helped me understand this concept https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqB8aVpCwLE
I am in a process right now of death and rebirth. It is constant and it is time consuming, but it is medicine and so needed. I would like to get to where I know I need to be and I am aware that I am exactly where I need to be at this time, however it feels like I have been in a place for such a long time drawing out all that is good with me. At times it is really hard to be your best all of the time and to stay on a high, as opposed to the low that I feel I have been coasting on for a long while now. In due time I will reach the shores of my awakening, but it is the route and passage that matter most, as the experience is in the journey itself.
I hope that this has been what it needs to be for some and for myself as well.
In love and in light.
So, it's been about a few months since my last post and I've been feeling a lot of changes, some gradual, some eventual, but changes nonetheless and with that comes adjustment, and the death and rebirth cycle of many patterns of mine that have been discovered, and need to be released from my BEing, as I no longer need them... Yet, recalling what I recently heard not necessarily even shedding them, but looking at them in a new light, a different perspective and allowing myself to reclaim all the parts of me that I've come to realize are parts of my darkness.
We all have darkness and we all have light. One cannot have one without the other. It is important that we REclaim these parts (the dark) of ourselves and allow them to transform from the chrysalis to the butterfly... doing this requires gentle love and shifting our conscious from lower- seeing our negative attributes as parts of ourselves to be overcome and obliterated, to higher consciousness- seeing our darknesses and transforming them to lightness. Here is a video I watched that helped me understand this concept https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqB8aVpCwLE
I am in a process right now of death and rebirth. It is constant and it is time consuming, but it is medicine and so needed. I would like to get to where I know I need to be and I am aware that I am exactly where I need to be at this time, however it feels like I have been in a place for such a long time drawing out all that is good with me. At times it is really hard to be your best all of the time and to stay on a high, as opposed to the low that I feel I have been coasting on for a long while now. In due time I will reach the shores of my awakening, but it is the route and passage that matter most, as the experience is in the journey itself.
I hope that this has been what it needs to be for some and for myself as well.
In love and in light.
Tuesday, 15 April 2014
why? Why? WHy? WHY? fuckin' Why? Just why?
When did life get so damn hard!!!! Seriously, all the people around me seem to make it look so easy... they've mastered the art of walking their paths... What about me? I feel like I am lost and left in the dust- standing there, motionless, stationary, stagnant!
Yes, I am fully aware that I am the ONLY one that can change my own path, get it to where I would like it to be and be continually moving forward. In order to do so I need to first acknowledge this grand responsibility that I have, I need to alter my thoughts, and stay positive! I know all of this and do not need others to point it out to me. How patronizing that feels. I do not appreciate it, but I understand that maybe they just need to hear their own voice say it out loud to someone within their immediate circle, within their proximity, so they can acknowledge it & it's presence within their own life.
Today is just one of those days where you begin to feel all the weight that you've been placing on your shoulders.... so to start off with the wonderful release of all this big, great and ugly feelings that I do not wish to acknowledge, or even state outright, I will say the following...
I feel trapped. Stuck somewhere I don't want to be! I"m 24 years old and I don't even know how to take care of myself.... I mean, in this world. Not personally... Yes, I've had a hard life, but if I was not sheltered in the way I was and still am... I have a room, correction, two rooms in a house with a family, parents that are as supportive as they can be with food. Clothing, enough of it. But I have no job, and I live in Toronto, which is an expensive city. So even though I have a place to live, and food (although different from my standards of nutritious) I don't know how I would be surviving in this world without my parents and that makes me feel like crying, because it makes me feel like I am not ready, not ready to grow up, move out and move on with my own life that I am responsible for co-creating. It's frightening. Who is ever ready for anything anyways? AND THAT starts NOW. Every thought I have, every choice I make, every action I take to get where I need to be is helping me to build and create the life of my dreams!
I can say that I am barely scrapping by with the basics, but that wouldn't be a fair statement because some people have it a lot worse than I do, really. And I do appreciate and am so incredibly thankful for all of what I have. It may not always be easy to see.... But I am grateful for all of it!
Today especially, I've been thinking about where I would be if.... that question that haunts, even the most confident and surefire person.. What if I didn't go to McMaster? What if I didn't go to Ryerson? What if... what if.... what if???? This is a line of regretful thinking that I do not like to have because I am where I need to be in my life right now, even if for the time being, it is in this dark hole. All the growth and all of the wonderful souls I have met along the way, I cannot say with certainty that my life would be the same without them, or without the opportunity to have met them, which I may not have done, if I made a different decision, took a left turn instead of a right turn... I may or may not have met the people I have, may not have decided to get the tattoo I have, may not have made the money I did to take that trip I did, to get me that gorgeous tattoo... My life could be very different than what it is now, excellent or tragic.... but I will never know those things because I am presently living my life as it is, NOW. The regretful thinking is unbeneficial because where is it going to get me... it does not serve my highest and greatest good! It just doesn't. My life is exactly as it needs to be, for a REASON! I need to grow and change, and break and grow and change some more. Growth and change is the wheel that keeps turning in perpetual motion.
With this new found feeling of entrapment. I do feel there is so much that I need to change, an entire revamping of my WHOLE existence, my WHOLE world, my WHOLE Universe... I need to change my thinking so that my vibration and energy can be one that is in alignment with positivity and invitation to good things in my life (that is the ultimate change-up! And it is an on-going, day-to-day process. Thus gradual progress will be made.)... Going with the flow of whatever comes my way is an important lesson that I need to be better at mastering, accepting! I feel I do that but only to a certain extent, I am open to the good but not the bad. I do not want to be, there had been a lot of negative connotations with the bad that I do not wish for myself, but I need to let it go, because there is a lot of change and growth that happens and spawns from the bad, the darkness.
When bad times come a'knocking I am not open to receiving them, because who wants to live in the darkness? Just because darkness arises in one's life doesn't necessarily mean that one will live there, but this is one lesson, one teaching that is challenging for me. For now, I am developing some knowledge, the knowledge I need to welcome this lesson, to better understand it but it is one lesson that requires plenty of time, patience and gentleness. One that I need to be openly expansive to.
I know I need to embrace the darkness more in my life...After all, one cannot have light without the dark and it is crucial to my BEingness that I invite the darkness into my life, so I can recognize it's presence, thank it and release it, until I see it in a new and different form later on and then rework with it then. This time in my life has got to be one of the hardest, I'll admit it! It feels like where one has hit rock bottom, I am beneath the rocks... I'd rather be mingling with my friends than beneath them, but it feels like anything and everything I do, I am doing it wrong... YES, again with this fuckin' dichotomy that I have already visited in my mind and through meditative practice have discovered it's origins- none other, than my father's parenting style.
It feels like all of what I am feeling, isn't positive and that that is an incredibly bad thing... who the fuck has only positive thoughts? Not even an optimist I can guarantee you! That is what we call dancing with the light and the dark of our lives, embracing both equally, so our dance is balanced, the dance is never perfect, their are kinks and bends and twists of the most dramatic and drastic nature.. creating a seemingly disequilibrium and discomfort to the dancer, but to those watching... a magnificent and beautiful sight to see. All those kinks, bends and twists, it is all a part of the grand dance. No-one dances the same, ever! There is no expectation of that! It's all done through one's unique time, and the music never stops, even when one thinks it does, it just means there is a break, an instrumental one. But dancers need breaks too, they just need to zone out, pass out, shut off and turn down.... the resting is a part of the grand dance too, it's the gift that makes all of our steps visible to us, possible and beautiful.
My life would be different if I had a job or some money rolling in so that I could be busy with other things... But than if that were the case all of what is at the forefront of my life right now, would probably be on the back burner and I would be avoiding dealing with things I need to deal with and that would not be a good thing. The sooner my proverbial closet gets cleaned, the better. There need only be a pair of socks hanging, ready for the walk, the run, the climb. Does that ever happen to you? when you feel so overwhelmed with things you would much rather and prefer to not even acknowledge them at all? But close the door to everything, even if it may be good things knocking on your door...
I feel like being silent until I figure my life out, being present but to myself. A sheer impossibility, yes. I have a voice though and tons of thoughts running through my brain and many feelings expanding and decompressing my heart that need to be expressed whether I would like them to be or not.
I've realized, looking for work sucks but I've also been thinking more and more that I need to start co-creating my business, my world, in which I would like to live in and start doing so NOW. There is no time like the present! The truth of the matter is that I do not want to work for anyone but myself and me looking for work continually is wasting my time instead of using that time to co-create my dream job. It's scary, for sure, building, doing things that are entirely out of my comfort zone. It is nothing close to what I am used to doing and I do not know the first thing about being my own boss, but what is so damn hard about it???? NOTHING, as far as I can see. I need to fly, fly, away, start creating... instead of attempting to run, avoid, not handle what is right in front of me and being presented as wonderful gifts to unwrap. I'm ready for the next step. It sure did take me a long time to get here, heck it's taken me all day to write this post, but all well worth it. Feels loads better.
There I think I have turned myself inside out on that one!
I feel lighter. Yay to writing. :)
Yes, I am fully aware that I am the ONLY one that can change my own path, get it to where I would like it to be and be continually moving forward. In order to do so I need to first acknowledge this grand responsibility that I have, I need to alter my thoughts, and stay positive! I know all of this and do not need others to point it out to me. How patronizing that feels. I do not appreciate it, but I understand that maybe they just need to hear their own voice say it out loud to someone within their immediate circle, within their proximity, so they can acknowledge it & it's presence within their own life.
Today is just one of those days where you begin to feel all the weight that you've been placing on your shoulders.... so to start off with the wonderful release of all this big, great and ugly feelings that I do not wish to acknowledge, or even state outright, I will say the following...
I feel trapped. Stuck somewhere I don't want to be! I"m 24 years old and I don't even know how to take care of myself.... I mean, in this world. Not personally... Yes, I've had a hard life, but if I was not sheltered in the way I was and still am... I have a room, correction, two rooms in a house with a family, parents that are as supportive as they can be with food. Clothing, enough of it. But I have no job, and I live in Toronto, which is an expensive city. So even though I have a place to live, and food (although different from my standards of nutritious) I don't know how I would be surviving in this world without my parents and that makes me feel like crying, because it makes me feel like I am not ready, not ready to grow up, move out and move on with my own life that I am responsible for co-creating. It's frightening. Who is ever ready for anything anyways? AND THAT starts NOW. Every thought I have, every choice I make, every action I take to get where I need to be is helping me to build and create the life of my dreams!
I can say that I am barely scrapping by with the basics, but that wouldn't be a fair statement because some people have it a lot worse than I do, really. And I do appreciate and am so incredibly thankful for all of what I have. It may not always be easy to see.... But I am grateful for all of it!
Today especially, I've been thinking about where I would be if.... that question that haunts, even the most confident and surefire person.. What if I didn't go to McMaster? What if I didn't go to Ryerson? What if... what if.... what if???? This is a line of regretful thinking that I do not like to have because I am where I need to be in my life right now, even if for the time being, it is in this dark hole. All the growth and all of the wonderful souls I have met along the way, I cannot say with certainty that my life would be the same without them, or without the opportunity to have met them, which I may not have done, if I made a different decision, took a left turn instead of a right turn... I may or may not have met the people I have, may not have decided to get the tattoo I have, may not have made the money I did to take that trip I did, to get me that gorgeous tattoo... My life could be very different than what it is now, excellent or tragic.... but I will never know those things because I am presently living my life as it is, NOW. The regretful thinking is unbeneficial because where is it going to get me... it does not serve my highest and greatest good! It just doesn't. My life is exactly as it needs to be, for a REASON! I need to grow and change, and break and grow and change some more. Growth and change is the wheel that keeps turning in perpetual motion.
With this new found feeling of entrapment. I do feel there is so much that I need to change, an entire revamping of my WHOLE existence, my WHOLE world, my WHOLE Universe... I need to change my thinking so that my vibration and energy can be one that is in alignment with positivity and invitation to good things in my life (that is the ultimate change-up! And it is an on-going, day-to-day process. Thus gradual progress will be made.)... Going with the flow of whatever comes my way is an important lesson that I need to be better at mastering, accepting! I feel I do that but only to a certain extent, I am open to the good but not the bad. I do not want to be, there had been a lot of negative connotations with the bad that I do not wish for myself, but I need to let it go, because there is a lot of change and growth that happens and spawns from the bad, the darkness.
When bad times come a'knocking I am not open to receiving them, because who wants to live in the darkness? Just because darkness arises in one's life doesn't necessarily mean that one will live there, but this is one lesson, one teaching that is challenging for me. For now, I am developing some knowledge, the knowledge I need to welcome this lesson, to better understand it but it is one lesson that requires plenty of time, patience and gentleness. One that I need to be openly expansive to.
I know I need to embrace the darkness more in my life...After all, one cannot have light without the dark and it is crucial to my BEingness that I invite the darkness into my life, so I can recognize it's presence, thank it and release it, until I see it in a new and different form later on and then rework with it then. This time in my life has got to be one of the hardest, I'll admit it! It feels like where one has hit rock bottom, I am beneath the rocks... I'd rather be mingling with my friends than beneath them, but it feels like anything and everything I do, I am doing it wrong... YES, again with this fuckin' dichotomy that I have already visited in my mind and through meditative practice have discovered it's origins- none other, than my father's parenting style.
It feels like all of what I am feeling, isn't positive and that that is an incredibly bad thing... who the fuck has only positive thoughts? Not even an optimist I can guarantee you! That is what we call dancing with the light and the dark of our lives, embracing both equally, so our dance is balanced, the dance is never perfect, their are kinks and bends and twists of the most dramatic and drastic nature.. creating a seemingly disequilibrium and discomfort to the dancer, but to those watching... a magnificent and beautiful sight to see. All those kinks, bends and twists, it is all a part of the grand dance. No-one dances the same, ever! There is no expectation of that! It's all done through one's unique time, and the music never stops, even when one thinks it does, it just means there is a break, an instrumental one. But dancers need breaks too, they just need to zone out, pass out, shut off and turn down.... the resting is a part of the grand dance too, it's the gift that makes all of our steps visible to us, possible and beautiful.
My life would be different if I had a job or some money rolling in so that I could be busy with other things... But than if that were the case all of what is at the forefront of my life right now, would probably be on the back burner and I would be avoiding dealing with things I need to deal with and that would not be a good thing. The sooner my proverbial closet gets cleaned, the better. There need only be a pair of socks hanging, ready for the walk, the run, the climb. Does that ever happen to you? when you feel so overwhelmed with things you would much rather and prefer to not even acknowledge them at all? But close the door to everything, even if it may be good things knocking on your door...
I feel like being silent until I figure my life out, being present but to myself. A sheer impossibility, yes. I have a voice though and tons of thoughts running through my brain and many feelings expanding and decompressing my heart that need to be expressed whether I would like them to be or not.
I've realized, looking for work sucks but I've also been thinking more and more that I need to start co-creating my business, my world, in which I would like to live in and start doing so NOW. There is no time like the present! The truth of the matter is that I do not want to work for anyone but myself and me looking for work continually is wasting my time instead of using that time to co-create my dream job. It's scary, for sure, building, doing things that are entirely out of my comfort zone. It is nothing close to what I am used to doing and I do not know the first thing about being my own boss, but what is so damn hard about it???? NOTHING, as far as I can see. I need to fly, fly, away, start creating... instead of attempting to run, avoid, not handle what is right in front of me and being presented as wonderful gifts to unwrap. I'm ready for the next step. It sure did take me a long time to get here, heck it's taken me all day to write this post, but all well worth it. Feels loads better.
There I think I have turned myself inside out on that one!
I feel lighter. Yay to writing. :)
Thursday, 3 April 2014
Hard to Handle...
So I added an okcupid account and a few days later after realizing it wasn't for me. I deleted it. I don't want to be a hypocrite, contradictory, or not be true to myself and re-add it because that is foolish. In spite of my half desire to do so.
There is this one guy who I cannot get out of my head.... A little voice in me is saying "... Go for it. Re-add your account, message him and be done with it. Otherwise you will be wondering, what if?" But the problem is, I have strong convictions and beliefs about how I will meet my partner. NONE of them include online dating. It may be seen as what to do today, in this world. But I have hope for face-to-face run ins and colliding with a soul that you are meant to. No matter where you are in your life. If it's meant to be, it will be. Right place, right time, I will meet you there. Maybe I was meant to see his profile, know that he rated me highly, and to later run into him IN, get this, person...?
Anyways, the justification I tell myself, is I am not ready to be in a relationship. IN fact, I am terrified of what it would be like to be with someone else. I have been with myself for such a long time and I am so incredibly used to my independence. Sharing my time and energy with another could be challenging, but also wonderfully beautiful. That is not to say necessarily that we would immediately be in a relationship, as soon as I were to message him. I mean, after all it's just getting to know someone new. But, to be honest, I'm still working on myself...I know, I know, when is one not working on themselves, right?... but this is something, a healing part of me; my life; my journey that is long overdue, necessary to be completed in order to excel in the future. I have been gifted with having a sister that has shared things with me so that I may improve myself and I absolutely intend on focusing on that and following through.
Also, I know that no-one is ever really ready for some of the things that happen in their lives, things just happen and people are forced to go with it, step, jump, crawl, walk, run, skip out of their comfort zones.
And that is another reason I added an account on okcupid, because it would be me fucking running out of my cave of comfort, so fast my shoes fall off. Since, I would be meeting or, hoping to meet some of those I meet online, in person, eventually & that would push me into unfamiliar territory. A scary, but also necessary place. Maybe not as coercive as I am making it out to be, but something that needs to happen, perhaps more gently...The other thing I have, as a hang up, a problem perhaps, is that instead of searching for a mate online, which is very much akin to shopping for one, the amaZing synchronicity of the Universe is to place you on a path that you come in alignment with all others, with whom you are meant to. Love happens naturally, not naturally selected based on a questionnaire one filled out on a dating site. My idea of courting, of dating, is a time frame (agreed upon by both parties) where a mutual interest to get to know one another is present and made clear through asking questions and inquiring, from both ends, in hopes that they will discover their compatibility with one another, however large or small a percentage it might be. Thus moving forward, but technology has rapidly changed that... I am still deciding whether or not to re-add my account just so I can message the guy. But remaining true to my own person, says "no" already. Actually, screams it! Anyways we shall see.
There is this one guy who I cannot get out of my head.... A little voice in me is saying "... Go for it. Re-add your account, message him and be done with it. Otherwise you will be wondering, what if?" But the problem is, I have strong convictions and beliefs about how I will meet my partner. NONE of them include online dating. It may be seen as what to do today, in this world. But I have hope for face-to-face run ins and colliding with a soul that you are meant to. No matter where you are in your life. If it's meant to be, it will be. Right place, right time, I will meet you there. Maybe I was meant to see his profile, know that he rated me highly, and to later run into him IN, get this, person...?
Anyways, the justification I tell myself, is I am not ready to be in a relationship. IN fact, I am terrified of what it would be like to be with someone else. I have been with myself for such a long time and I am so incredibly used to my independence. Sharing my time and energy with another could be challenging, but also wonderfully beautiful. That is not to say necessarily that we would immediately be in a relationship, as soon as I were to message him. I mean, after all it's just getting to know someone new. But, to be honest, I'm still working on myself...I know, I know, when is one not working on themselves, right?... but this is something, a healing part of me; my life; my journey that is long overdue, necessary to be completed in order to excel in the future. I have been gifted with having a sister that has shared things with me so that I may improve myself and I absolutely intend on focusing on that and following through.
Also, I know that no-one is ever really ready for some of the things that happen in their lives, things just happen and people are forced to go with it, step, jump, crawl, walk, run, skip out of their comfort zones.
And that is another reason I added an account on okcupid, because it would be me fucking running out of my cave of comfort, so fast my shoes fall off. Since, I would be meeting or, hoping to meet some of those I meet online, in person, eventually & that would push me into unfamiliar territory. A scary, but also necessary place. Maybe not as coercive as I am making it out to be, but something that needs to happen, perhaps more gently...The other thing I have, as a hang up, a problem perhaps, is that instead of searching for a mate online, which is very much akin to shopping for one, the amaZing synchronicity of the Universe is to place you on a path that you come in alignment with all others, with whom you are meant to. Love happens naturally, not naturally selected based on a questionnaire one filled out on a dating site. My idea of courting, of dating, is a time frame (agreed upon by both parties) where a mutual interest to get to know one another is present and made clear through asking questions and inquiring, from both ends, in hopes that they will discover their compatibility with one another, however large or small a percentage it might be. Thus moving forward, but technology has rapidly changed that... I am still deciding whether or not to re-add my account just so I can message the guy. But remaining true to my own person, says "no" already. Actually, screams it! Anyways we shall see.
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Oh Phil Boothstars, you always say what I need to hear. Thank you.
Today's Cancer Horoscope reads..."Problems spoil all the fun in life. In truth though, we really
ought to be more grateful for all those incessant challenges. They hone our skills of survival and
force us to be innovative. Your troubles now have been sent to you by the muse of good fortune.
It won’t be long before you handily beat them and realize how well the cosmos is looking after
you."
While it feels like I have been hit with a thousand bricks, I'm still standing, bruised and battered perhaps, but still standing. I thank my lucky star and the wonderful Celestial alignment that is greeting me... Chi mig-wetch Universe.
Today's Cancer Horoscope reads..."Problems spoil all the fun in life. In truth though, we really
ought to be more grateful for all those incessant challenges. They hone our skills of survival and
force us to be innovative. Your troubles now have been sent to you by the muse of good fortune.
It won’t be long before you handily beat them and realize how well the cosmos is looking after
you."
While it feels like I have been hit with a thousand bricks, I'm still standing, bruised and battered perhaps, but still standing. I thank my lucky star and the wonderful Celestial alignment that is greeting me... Chi mig-wetch Universe.
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Friday, 14 March 2014
THIS winter....
This Winter has truly been a long and heavy one.. It's been so extremely slow and tiresome.
I love spending time with myself, don't get me wrong, but it's time to meet new people! Seriously, I've been cooped up inside for too long and it's wearing me down...My choice, I know, it is rather the challenge to meet someone, or people in general in the cold, though.
Yesterday I left the house on a sour note. I was confused and ill-willed. Earlier I had read this quote about how when one lives through ego, they live to have things fall into place and then find their peace; whereas, if one lives through Spirit they seek to find their peace & then allow everything to fall into place... After reading this I was like,what is my peace? Chocolate? Stones? Being alone? and then I had this thought that I've been living through my ego (to an extent we all are, I mean living entirely through spirit.Well, I believe one doesn't reach that until they are really attuned with their intuition and have been living on their Spirit plain of existence for a while)... I am waiting for things to fall into place in my life, and then subsequently find my peace afterwards.... I could complain and list off all the things that I'd like to change about my life, but it would be a waste of my energy, because I know I need to make improvements to my life, in every aspect and it wouldn't serve me a great deal... or perhaps, it would serve me in the greatest of deals.
I don't like feeling like I am doing things in the wrong way. I need to continue to tell myself that there is absolutely no wrong way to do anything, it is all about your own perception about what it is you are doing and the way you are doing it. I also feel I need to meditate on this thought because it is a recurring one. WRONG vs. RIGHT.
As I continued walking toward my destination I remembered a more important revelation, "everything is exactly as it is meant to be" and "I am exactly who I need to be on this portion of my path" so regardless, of me feeling inadequate or confused about the way I am currently living, I know it is necessary for the development of my future, as my path unfolds beneath my feet.
I will also say this.... finding your peace is not an easy task... you need to know yourself well, and that is a difficult thing to do when you feel you've been lost for a long time... That is me, in a nutshell. This winter has turned my world upside down, inside out. I'm itchy and uncomfortable, constantly readjusting and I have been left feeling very lost. To the point of rediscovering myself as a pertinent undertaking. :)
I love spending time with myself, don't get me wrong, but it's time to meet new people! Seriously, I've been cooped up inside for too long and it's wearing me down...My choice, I know, it is rather the challenge to meet someone, or people in general in the cold, though.
Yesterday I left the house on a sour note. I was confused and ill-willed. Earlier I had read this quote about how when one lives through ego, they live to have things fall into place and then find their peace; whereas, if one lives through Spirit they seek to find their peace & then allow everything to fall into place... After reading this I was like,what is my peace? Chocolate? Stones? Being alone? and then I had this thought that I've been living through my ego (to an extent we all are, I mean living entirely through spirit.Well, I believe one doesn't reach that until they are really attuned with their intuition and have been living on their Spirit plain of existence for a while)... I am waiting for things to fall into place in my life, and then subsequently find my peace afterwards.... I could complain and list off all the things that I'd like to change about my life, but it would be a waste of my energy, because I know I need to make improvements to my life, in every aspect and it wouldn't serve me a great deal... or perhaps, it would serve me in the greatest of deals.
I don't like feeling like I am doing things in the wrong way. I need to continue to tell myself that there is absolutely no wrong way to do anything, it is all about your own perception about what it is you are doing and the way you are doing it. I also feel I need to meditate on this thought because it is a recurring one. WRONG vs. RIGHT.
As I continued walking toward my destination I remembered a more important revelation, "everything is exactly as it is meant to be" and "I am exactly who I need to be on this portion of my path" so regardless, of me feeling inadequate or confused about the way I am currently living, I know it is necessary for the development of my future, as my path unfolds beneath my feet.
I will also say this.... finding your peace is not an easy task... you need to know yourself well, and that is a difficult thing to do when you feel you've been lost for a long time... That is me, in a nutshell. This winter has turned my world upside down, inside out. I'm itchy and uncomfortable, constantly readjusting and I have been left feeling very lost. To the point of rediscovering myself as a pertinent undertaking. :)
Saturday, 8 March 2014
See-through Grass
Vast Emptiness
Climbing
Swaying
Swiftly blowing
In the wind
Brown, so raw, it's rough
Green, so delicate, it's gentle
Blue, endless
Seeping in between
Earth smells
Beauty
Rich Calmness
Takes me away
~ written by Natasza Orozco Feick in Summer/Fall 2013
Climbing
Swaying
Swiftly blowing
In the wind
Brown, so raw, it's rough
Green, so delicate, it's gentle
Blue, endless
Seeping in between
Earth smells
Beauty
Rich Calmness
Takes me away
~ written by Natasza Orozco Feick in Summer/Fall 2013
I am not a shallow person.
Admittedly, there is a preference for physical appearance in a potential mate, a possible partner. After all, one does need that component of physical attraction for the relationship to be a successful one. At least I value it and I believe it to be a necessary part of a relationship with a significant other.
This comes from a place where I recently responded to an ad on craigslist. An individual craving intimate moments with another, caressing, cuddling, kissing. I responded because I miss those moments too. Haven't had them in a while and they are essential. Living life alone, as amaZing as it can be, in getting to know yourself personally and being comfortable with who you are and to not be governed by anything other than your body, your soul and your spirit, having someone to hold you, well, there's nothing like that in the solo life....
I was not attracted to this guy once he sent me his picture. There were other things too that sent red flags up during our email exchange. I am thankful with how I handled things. As mean as it may sound, it feels like I dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful. I have learned my lesson and will no longer respond to personal ads online.
Thought I'd share. Since, there is a line between shallowness and preference and I walk it on a regular basis, as I am sure many others do I figured it would be a good share.
The other day I went and got some free fish and chips at this joint downtown. I thought the owner was hott, like craZy/ bEautiful good looking. I didn't know him though, at all, I had never talked to the guy and so my assessment of his hotness was solely based on his looks. And it is easy to see those that are good looking (according to what one considers to be pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, cute, hot, sexy, handsome, rigged, ad infinitum) from the day-to-day. The thing is, is unless we speak to these vessels of Love, it is hard to really know how compatible their BEing is with ours, on ALL levels (sexually, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally).
30 minutes earlier I had been oogling this guy on the streetcar, because he gave me a look prior to getting on, that read, "I want you!". And personally, I found him to be attractive, because of that look he gave me; rendering the raw, passionate, spontaneity a plausibility, but also, because of his demeanour, the colours he wore, what he wore, his overall look, everything about him was like.... fuck... I wanted to grab him, push him to the side and start making out with him. I mean this is based purely on lust, that's what physical attraction is, being drawn to someone because of what they look like.
And we do it on the regular.
Perhaps, this is my rectification for trying to feel less guilty for being attracted to a certain kind of guy.... But, I don't care... I have faith, belief and hope that the right person for me, will come into my life at the right time. The Universe is that Divinely perfect. Amen to that!
Admittedly, there is a preference for physical appearance in a potential mate, a possible partner. After all, one does need that component of physical attraction for the relationship to be a successful one. At least I value it and I believe it to be a necessary part of a relationship with a significant other.
This comes from a place where I recently responded to an ad on craigslist. An individual craving intimate moments with another, caressing, cuddling, kissing. I responded because I miss those moments too. Haven't had them in a while and they are essential. Living life alone, as amaZing as it can be, in getting to know yourself personally and being comfortable with who you are and to not be governed by anything other than your body, your soul and your spirit, having someone to hold you, well, there's nothing like that in the solo life....
I was not attracted to this guy once he sent me his picture. There were other things too that sent red flags up during our email exchange. I am thankful with how I handled things. As mean as it may sound, it feels like I dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful. I have learned my lesson and will no longer respond to personal ads online.
Thought I'd share. Since, there is a line between shallowness and preference and I walk it on a regular basis, as I am sure many others do I figured it would be a good share.
The other day I went and got some free fish and chips at this joint downtown. I thought the owner was hott, like craZy/ bEautiful good looking. I didn't know him though, at all, I had never talked to the guy and so my assessment of his hotness was solely based on his looks. And it is easy to see those that are good looking (according to what one considers to be pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, cute, hot, sexy, handsome, rigged, ad infinitum) from the day-to-day. The thing is, is unless we speak to these vessels of Love, it is hard to really know how compatible their BEing is with ours, on ALL levels (sexually, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally).
30 minutes earlier I had been oogling this guy on the streetcar, because he gave me a look prior to getting on, that read, "I want you!". And personally, I found him to be attractive, because of that look he gave me; rendering the raw, passionate, spontaneity a plausibility, but also, because of his demeanour, the colours he wore, what he wore, his overall look, everything about him was like.... fuck... I wanted to grab him, push him to the side and start making out with him. I mean this is based purely on lust, that's what physical attraction is, being drawn to someone because of what they look like.
And we do it on the regular.
Perhaps, this is my rectification for trying to feel less guilty for being attracted to a certain kind of guy.... But, I don't care... I have faith, belief and hope that the right person for me, will come into my life at the right time. The Universe is that Divinely perfect. Amen to that!
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Monday, 3 March 2014
Leftovers from yesterday...
Yesterday my mom told me that I am on the defence and that with her I shouldn't feel like I need to justify myself, shouldn't feel like I am under attack and that I shouldn't take things so damn personally...Well, that was a hard hit! ... How can I not feel the need to defend, when such comments are thrown my way, like daggers, or better put, darts.
I try to not take things personally... Really... It's kinda a hard task. Given the selfishness of two-leggeds. I know it is good to be selfish, sometimes ~ coming back to this balance theme, mentioned in a previous post. After all, we're alone when we are born and we are alone when we die, unless there is some homicide/suicidal romantic gesture such as portrayed in Romeo and Juliet, but even then, ultimately, the two souls being released from those two bodies are off exploring new adventures and walking their own new paths. Impermanence is the term I am looking for here. Our lives, here on this Earth, in this human Art form are temporary, temporary, temporary! It is only the life in between birth and death that we have the potential to not be alone, to make friends, make lovers, make partners, make family and walk with these people that are a apart of our lives, if only for the duration of our lives. These people whom are all equal to us and are, deeply at their core, LOVE.
What I know is this... even though my mom is my mom and I do love her dearly, more than words can say and she says and does things coming from the goodness of her heart. I am bothered by how directive (from what I understand) she feels she needs to be with my life. it is MY life... I don't appreciate the controlling nature of parents... yes, my dad might as well be fitted in there too. Do this Cinderalli, do that Cinderelli, Goddess, it feels like a whirlwind sometimes. Big Breath. Holy Goddess.
The other thing she mentioned was, "you need to go within and ask yourself if this line of thinking/ way of behaving is something that serves your highest and greatest good?"... Really mom, really? Again, to reiterate, this is MY path, MY path - the one I am walking here on the dark side of the street choosing to be a certain way, choosing to live my truth, as it feels it is mine right now. Yes, that gorgeous Mr. Sun is shining outside, but it is frigid cold out there too. And well, I am exactly where I need to be in my life, as of now. And maybe it is not something that serves my greatest and highest good, but it serves me on this part on my journey, at least for the time being...
I know I need to stop and think before I speak and speak only from my heart... the good place and embrace the darkness within me. These things are always, seem to be, easier said than done.
I don't like where I am now. This is something I recognize and a place I have been for a while something that I am hoping to change, something I believe will. When the time is right... I was told that being gentle with yourself is better than being hard on yourself, so I am going to practice that for a little while, see where it takes me.
I try to not take things personally... Really... It's kinda a hard task. Given the selfishness of two-leggeds. I know it is good to be selfish, sometimes ~ coming back to this balance theme, mentioned in a previous post. After all, we're alone when we are born and we are alone when we die, unless there is some homicide/suicidal romantic gesture such as portrayed in Romeo and Juliet, but even then, ultimately, the two souls being released from those two bodies are off exploring new adventures and walking their own new paths. Impermanence is the term I am looking for here. Our lives, here on this Earth, in this human Art form are temporary, temporary, temporary! It is only the life in between birth and death that we have the potential to not be alone, to make friends, make lovers, make partners, make family and walk with these people that are a apart of our lives, if only for the duration of our lives. These people whom are all equal to us and are, deeply at their core, LOVE.
What I know is this... even though my mom is my mom and I do love her dearly, more than words can say and she says and does things coming from the goodness of her heart. I am bothered by how directive (from what I understand) she feels she needs to be with my life. it is MY life... I don't appreciate the controlling nature of parents... yes, my dad might as well be fitted in there too. Do this Cinderalli, do that Cinderelli, Goddess, it feels like a whirlwind sometimes. Big Breath. Holy Goddess.
The other thing she mentioned was, "you need to go within and ask yourself if this line of thinking/ way of behaving is something that serves your highest and greatest good?"... Really mom, really? Again, to reiterate, this is MY path, MY path - the one I am walking here on the dark side of the street choosing to be a certain way, choosing to live my truth, as it feels it is mine right now. Yes, that gorgeous Mr. Sun is shining outside, but it is frigid cold out there too. And well, I am exactly where I need to be in my life, as of now. And maybe it is not something that serves my greatest and highest good, but it serves me on this part on my journey, at least for the time being...
I know I need to stop and think before I speak and speak only from my heart... the good place and embrace the darkness within me. These things are always, seem to be, easier said than done.
I don't like where I am now. This is something I recognize and a place I have been for a while something that I am hoping to change, something I believe will. When the time is right... I was told that being gentle with yourself is better than being hard on yourself, so I am going to practice that for a little while, see where it takes me.
Saturday, 1 March 2014
Dear Universe,
I need a job. A job that will bring me great joy to get up on days I am working to go to. A job within reasonable distance from my house, a perfect bike ride away would be wonderful. A job that will earn me above minimum wage plus tips. A job that will enable me to meet a variety of new people, interact with them and show them my LOVE, daily. A job that I can be happy about. A job that I can learn things from. A job that would be a great fit for me. A job that is in alignment with who I am as a person, my values and what I stand for; honesty, high quality- organic, local, ethical food. A job that is all these things and so much more.
Sincerely,
Natasza
I need a job. A job that will bring me great joy to get up on days I am working to go to. A job within reasonable distance from my house, a perfect bike ride away would be wonderful. A job that will earn me above minimum wage plus tips. A job that will enable me to meet a variety of new people, interact with them and show them my LOVE, daily. A job that I can be happy about. A job that I can learn things from. A job that would be a great fit for me. A job that is in alignment with who I am as a person, my values and what I stand for; honesty, high quality- organic, local, ethical food. A job that is all these things and so much more.
Sincerely,
Natasza
Haven't been here in a while...
I do not write as often as I once did. I miss it. Writing is the way I have always expressed myself, communicated- the way I made make sense of what I was feeling. And I have taken that away from myself. For no other reason than I simply did not feel like doing it, or much of anything at all. I still have remnants of those feelings within me, but I intend on breaking out of them, and breaking free! After all, writing is medicine and why on Earth I would take something healing and free away from myself has got me questioning and is something I cannot begin to fathom.
Winter Blues is what people, scientists perhaps, have called it. I personally feel it was defined as a way to make people feel okay, maybe even good about feeling stagnant and caught in a master spun spider's web this time of year. I am not in complete disagreeance with this. I encourage people, myself included to feel, really feel... get up close and personal with every and all feeling that they have within their BEing. This is something I have to work on for myself. With me though, I don't like to surrender to: submit to, society's terms, their rules... but I feel it is probably something much larger than society. It is more in alignment with humanity itself... and for individuals to recognize that this season is meant as a time to turn inward. I have been continually revisiting this theme, time and time again. What I have found is that I like to be doing something. I love time with myself, but meeting new people, interacting is necessary too. you know Balance? Plus, I will distract myself somethin' fierce from knowing myself more intimately.
I have distracted myself frequently to avoid getting to know myself better. I'm scared of going inward. There, I said it.
This is something that just came to me... Snow.... it's white, clear water crystals are absorptive in nature. In Winter, we in the Northern Hemisphere are surrounded by snow between, give or take, the months of November/December through to March/April. Meaning all the good and the bad kind of feelings we are all feeling at this time of year, about our bodies, about our (current and future) careers, about where we are vs. where we would like to be financially, about our relationships (family, partner(s), friends, non-human companions, the relationships we have or, don't have with ourselves, the relationships we would like to have/develop/work on), about our lives in general, all get sucked into our BEing. We start to get more and more stir crazy with the passage of time and the entrance into Spring and all based on whether or not we have accepted and sat with these feelings and have shed them with the rebirth of ourselves into Spring, or if we have chosen to keep them, tightly interwoven within the darkness, the shadows of our BEing.
This now-realization has come to me... late in the season. I had all this time to bethinking feeling things out since I completed the courses I needed to finish my undergrad, back in December. But, at least now I have that knowledge regarding this time of year. The bluesiness of it all comes down to how you perceive it and what you are willing to do about it. For me, I have been, or so it would seem, wasting my time, day-in-day-out on my computer, looking for work and doing mediocre things, like watching a number of shows that bring me entertainment. Missing the BIG picture and quite simply and clearly put, negating the fact that I have all this time to work on myself, find my truth, BE, and thrive in my BEingness. It has been a challenge. The refraining from writing I have been doing has been a part of that blocked process, among other things that have occurred and continue, differently, to persist in my life. The things I allow to persist that is.
When I am in a rut, I do not feel self-motivated... I feel more inclined to wallow in my sorrow-filled feelings. Perhaps, a part of that is feeling sorry for myself, feeling sad, dreadful, depressed, lonely. You know? Taken separately I have not had a chance, I haven't given myself the chance to work and build a relationship with these feelings belonging to the dark side of my BEing, and know them intimately. I understand that you, I, we all need to have the darkness, in order to see the lightness within us, that mostly composes and reflects who/what we all are - souls on this Earth plain.
Winter Blues is something that often plague individuals within society who are
for something more, particularly during the Winter Months. Winters in Toronto are so LONG... especially this one, 2013-2014. Given the way Mother Nature has been treating us all. I for one could use a break... HA, this is all a reflection of how humans- two leggeds have been treating our Earth Mother.
The sunshine has definitely helped a little in that regard, because; instead of feeling like not going out of the house and instead of feeling more reclusive than usual, I actually feel like breaking out and going for long walks with Grandfather Sun beating down on me, warming me, and gifting me with his light and love. I have been feeling a shift in Universal energies. We shall see how all things end up playing out in my life. :)
Winter Blues is what people, scientists perhaps, have called it. I personally feel it was defined as a way to make people feel okay, maybe even good about feeling stagnant and caught in a master spun spider's web this time of year. I am not in complete disagreeance with this. I encourage people, myself included to feel, really feel... get up close and personal with every and all feeling that they have within their BEing. This is something I have to work on for myself. With me though, I don't like to surrender to: submit to, society's terms, their rules... but I feel it is probably something much larger than society. It is more in alignment with humanity itself... and for individuals to recognize that this season is meant as a time to turn inward. I have been continually revisiting this theme, time and time again. What I have found is that I like to be doing something. I love time with myself, but meeting new people, interacting is necessary too. you know Balance? Plus, I will distract myself somethin' fierce from knowing myself more intimately.
I have distracted myself frequently to avoid getting to know myself better. I'm scared of going inward. There, I said it.
This is something that just came to me... Snow.... it's white, clear water crystals are absorptive in nature. In Winter, we in the Northern Hemisphere are surrounded by snow between, give or take, the months of November/December through to March/April. Meaning all the good and the bad kind of feelings we are all feeling at this time of year, about our bodies, about our (current and future) careers, about where we are vs. where we would like to be financially, about our relationships (family, partner(s), friends, non-human companions, the relationships we have or, don't have with ourselves, the relationships we would like to have/develop/work on), about our lives in general, all get sucked into our BEing. We start to get more and more stir crazy with the passage of time and the entrance into Spring and all based on whether or not we have accepted and sat with these feelings and have shed them with the rebirth of ourselves into Spring, or if we have chosen to keep them, tightly interwoven within the darkness, the shadows of our BEing.
This now-realization has come to me... late in the season. I had all this time to be
When I am in a rut, I do not feel self-motivated... I feel more inclined to wallow in my sorrow-filled feelings. Perhaps, a part of that is feeling sorry for myself, feeling sad, dreadful, depressed, lonely. You know? Taken separately I have not had a chance, I haven't given myself the chance to work and build a relationship with these feelings belonging to the dark side of my BEing, and know them intimately. I understand that you, I, we all need to have the darkness, in order to see the lightness within us, that mostly composes and reflects who/what we all are - souls on this Earth plain.
Winter Blues is something that often plague individuals within society who are
for something more, particularly during the Winter Months. Winters in Toronto are so LONG... especially this one, 2013-2014. Given the way Mother Nature has been treating us all. I for one could use a break... HA, this is all a reflection of how humans- two leggeds have been treating our Earth Mother.
The sunshine has definitely helped a little in that regard, because; instead of feeling like not going out of the house and instead of feeling more reclusive than usual, I actually feel like breaking out and going for long walks with Grandfather Sun beating down on me, warming me, and gifting me with his light and love. I have been feeling a shift in Universal energies. We shall see how all things end up playing out in my life. :)
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Drama
I've noticed that I , or may appear to be in a mood. I'm seriously not trying to do this on purpose. It will be remedied later today... Promise. :)
7:11
There are many emotions involved in everything.
I think it is challenging to really pin-point them, every single one of them at one given time, unless, of course one is really attuned with their feelings. I read this incredible article the other day on generic question asking, it was absolutely in alignment with this... (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html). And as much as we try to be, I think that there are always elements in our lives we are unable to decipher, unsure of how to do so...
My life right now seems a bit like that. My canvas is all sorts of colours, many events in my life, taking place right now, reflect this.
The other day I was feeling rather grim about my sister and our relationship together. We talked a little bit yesterday and that seemed to help, mended it, bandaged up the feelings for the time being. Although I will not know how well...until later... Perhaps I will return to this in a later post...My posts as of late seem to be on the same topic.
For now, I will share my feelings, the ones I can pull out of myself and write on this page, to help figure out this blotching, dark, messy, all kinds of super wonderful painting that keeps on being created. This section of the canvas anyway...
FEAR: I read somewhere, probably in some of these pretty amazing emails I get from a special place- Enlightened Beings, that whenever the ego is scared, it's usually always the ego and not the soul that is fearful, it is because of the fear of being annihilated. I'm scared of things I won't know I am scared of until they cross my path, I'm not typically a person afraid, but with obliteration in mind and it's application to the current situation I am in. I would say the most prominent fear I have is... losing my sister, being so far passed the repairable parts of our relationship that we are left with the fragments, ONLY the fragments. I told her yesterday that her, as my sister and all, she is supposed* (I tried to get rid of this word, as the vibration it carries is not of benefit, but it came out) to be the closest person I feel I can share with, and share safely with. Yet, she is currently the person that I find most difficult to communicate with, as I kind of don't know myself, what to share with her and how to go about doing that. So, fear, I'm scared of losing her, of losing a piece of me that she has always and will continue to carry with her.... The piece I cannot distinguish at this moment. But if I had to say something about it, I would say that this piece is a valuable part, as she is the person who has always been with me, growing up, experiencing the same things as me, home life. etc, in a different manner, through her own eyes, through her own heart, through her own thoughts, etc. So, fear, I acknowledge your presence. But I do not choose to be fearful anymore.
JEALOUSY/ENVY: According to the built-in dictionary I have on my computer this is the definition of Jealousy. jealous |ˈjeləs|
HURT/PAIN: At the core of this, is my feeling of pain. I am hurt that I feel ignored by someone I thought loved me, I am hurt that I feel I cannot communicate openly & fully with someone I thought was there for me. I feel hurt that I feel she feels she needs to sensor herself from me. I feel hurt that she feels I am judgemental to the point of non-sharing. I feel hurt that I feel she doesn't recognize to the same degree, our relationship is snared at the edges and unraveling. I am hurt that I feel confused, I am hurt that I choose to feel these things. I am hurt that it is my own doing: my undoing. I am hurt that out of a situation I had no control over, I have been (in)directly involved with that I have been placed in a position to feel any of these things. I feel hurt that I feel punished for something I don't fully understand... I feel hurt, I feel hurt, I feel hurt!
But it is okay... you're living this experience Natasza, FOR A REASON. These feelings are good, it means you yourself are working out and through something that is part of the Divine Plan, your Divine Path.
Having released these feelings onto this blog makes me feels loads lighter.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe.
I embrace you, I embrace myself and I thank-you for allowing me this outlet to move up, out and beyond and have allowed me to see this situation in a different light.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe Chi-mig-wetch!
10:10
I think it is challenging to really pin-point them, every single one of them at one given time, unless, of course one is really attuned with their feelings. I read this incredible article the other day on generic question asking, it was absolutely in alignment with this... (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html). And as much as we try to be, I think that there are always elements in our lives we are unable to decipher, unsure of how to do so...
My life right now seems a bit like that. My canvas is all sorts of colours, many events in my life, taking place right now, reflect this.
The other day I was feeling rather grim about my sister and our relationship together. We talked a little bit yesterday and that seemed to help, mended it, bandaged up the feelings for the time being. Although I will not know how well...until later... Perhaps I will return to this in a later post...My posts as of late seem to be on the same topic.
For now, I will share my feelings, the ones I can pull out of myself and write on this page, to help figure out this blotching, dark, messy, all kinds of super wonderful painting that keeps on being created. This section of the canvas anyway...
FEAR: I read somewhere, probably in some of these pretty amazing emails I get from a special place- Enlightened Beings, that whenever the ego is scared, it's usually always the ego and not the soul that is fearful, it is because of the fear of being annihilated. I'm scared of things I won't know I am scared of until they cross my path, I'm not typically a person afraid, but with obliteration in mind and it's application to the current situation I am in. I would say the most prominent fear I have is... losing my sister, being so far passed the repairable parts of our relationship that we are left with the fragments, ONLY the fragments. I told her yesterday that her, as my sister and all, she is supposed* (I tried to get rid of this word, as the vibration it carries is not of benefit, but it came out) to be the closest person I feel I can share with, and share safely with. Yet, she is currently the person that I find most difficult to communicate with, as I kind of don't know myself, what to share with her and how to go about doing that. So, fear, I'm scared of losing her, of losing a piece of me that she has always and will continue to carry with her.... The piece I cannot distinguish at this moment. But if I had to say something about it, I would say that this piece is a valuable part, as she is the person who has always been with me, growing up, experiencing the same things as me, home life. etc, in a different manner, through her own eyes, through her own heart, through her own thoughts, etc. So, fear, I acknowledge your presence. But I do not choose to be fearful anymore.
JEALOUSY/ENVY: According to the built-in dictionary I have on my computer this is the definition of Jealousy. jealous |ˈjeləs|
adjective
feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages : he grew jealous of her success.
• feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship : a jealous boyfriend.
• fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions : Howard is still a little jealous of his authority | they kept a jealous eye over their interests.
Basically, what my jealousy comes down to, is a place of deeply-rooted hurt. I am jealous of the fact that I don't know half the things I feel I should* know. IF I take a look at this further I shouldn't really know anything but what I do already, regarding my sister, but I feel entitled to know because she is my SISTER! That's reason enough, according to me, but whatever she feels is best for her is exactly what she is doing. It is not personal. The entitlement I feel is based on an I-have-always-been-here-for-you-and-you-not-sharing-indicates-to-me-that-you-don't acknowledge-that kind of place. Yes, I would love to know what is going on in my sister's life, after all I thought I was a part of it but it is more about me being jealous of her sharing her life with others- namely, her boyfriend, while I am left in the dark. SHe has told me that she will share with me, when the timing is right. I guess I need to recognize the timing for her and the timing for me being right are both different, as we each have our own respective routines and schedules. Her not opening up to me about the going-ons of her life makes me feel like I'm not there, I'm ignored and not recognized as someone whom she feels comfortable sharing with. I feel, to a certain extent invisible, erased, like I am some kind of ugly doodle, someone drew in pencil, lightly and then erased. The thing is, I am the instrument, the pencil, the pen, whatever, so whatever it is that someone would draw, they'd have me there, without a shadow of a doubt, unless, of course, they loose the instrument, but that is another story altogether. Jealousy is a waste of energy yet I cannot merely wipe it away with a cloth, as though a mark on a window, it seems to be more ingrained into the glass, an etching.... not saying that my foundations are jealousy. But jealousy, envy, again, deals with fear of ego dying. And if you didn't get the memo, ego will do whatever it can, absolutely everything possible, to survive. Anyways, another thing that perhaps I am jealousy of, I'm still working out this one in my head as I write it, is not being a part of her accomplishments because of not knowing of them, or not being a part of the process. inevitably I am, since I am a part of her life, but my fEElings are there, they just are... I need no validation I am a soul living in a beautiful human body, having a human experience and a part of that is feeling some of the things humans feel, like that of jealousy. I am not devoid of these emotions; however, I recognize that it is a choice and today, I choose to be happy, NO MATTER WHAT. So dear jealousy, I greet you as a part of me, a part of the dark side of my ego, and I know you need to exist, however faintly, in order for me to appreciate and belief that things will happen in Divine time. The Universe, is, after all, on my side. :)
CONFUSION/ LACK OF UNDERSTANDING: Put simply, I do not understand why she has to, feels she has to go through this process of great change and not include me. In reference to the above, I understand that things will occur in Divine time, so with time I will learn of the things she has been presently experiencing. I don't know now, which is again, coming back to ego, instantly gratifying the need ego has to know NOW. It's driving my ego crazy because I have no control over it... but listen to this... This is golden: Let go of the need to control and just be. Amazing, right? letting go of the need to control is such a grand thing and a practice best perfected. It's judgement that is prevent communication, I feel...
RESENTMENT: As probably mentioned above, resentment is felt through and through because of the lack of knowing I have about her experience. I know I can only imagine what it is she is going through and not really know at all because I am not going through what she is myself and if I were, being a different soul having a different human experience, I would naturally experience things different than her. But resentment has already been mentioned in it's unique faces of jealousy, fear, confusion and pain.HURT/PAIN: At the core of this, is my feeling of pain. I am hurt that I feel ignored by someone I thought loved me, I am hurt that I feel I cannot communicate openly & fully with someone I thought was there for me. I feel hurt that I feel she feels she needs to sensor herself from me. I feel hurt that she feels I am judgemental to the point of non-sharing. I feel hurt that I feel she doesn't recognize to the same degree, our relationship is snared at the edges and unraveling. I am hurt that I feel confused, I am hurt that I choose to feel these things. I am hurt that it is my own doing: my undoing. I am hurt that out of a situation I had no control over, I have been (in)directly involved with that I have been placed in a position to feel any of these things. I feel hurt that I feel punished for something I don't fully understand... I feel hurt, I feel hurt, I feel hurt!
But it is okay... you're living this experience Natasza, FOR A REASON. These feelings are good, it means you yourself are working out and through something that is part of the Divine Plan, your Divine Path.
Having released these feelings onto this blog makes me feels loads lighter.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe.
I embrace you, I embrace myself and I thank-you for allowing me this outlet to move up, out and beyond and have allowed me to see this situation in a different light.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe Chi-mig-wetch!
10:10
Monday, 27 January 2014
today is
your Birthday!
Your privacy has turned into evasiveness, madness even... Is it you or is it me that keeps on wedging us further and further apart?....Both, probably.
I am not perfect, I know this... so, am I to bring this up with you and recognize simply that it is your path, to do what you will, as you intend to do it? I am not identifying as a victim, I refuse to, I feel though you're ignoring me. Perhaps I need to be more direct with my feelings and share them with you?? You are changing, I am changing, we are all changing... for the better and all as we are meant to.
A part of me is saying, I don't deserve this, but I know that it is not something you are doing to me, trying to at least, on purpose. It is my perception of it all, your energy, your vibration, your actions when you are around me and how that subsequently makes me feel. I understand, you are doing what you need to do, for you. Being selfish is good, it is. Sometimes. But then again it is lonely, I feel lonely. Part of that is my own doing, actually to be more accurate, all of it is. But it is really lonely to be so close to someone yet, so far from them at the same time. I have mentioned this on more then one occasion.
This is difficult because I feel like our communication is becoming lax again. You do not know my plans, I do not know yours. I do and I do not like this. I like this because it keeps my plans private- what is the point of sharing something with someone when they are not going to be receptive of it? I do not like this because you seem to think you have a lot of time... and while time is a manmade construct and we must change our relationship and ties with time, I do not intend to be here in the fall, so whatever it is you have in your mind, your plan to be a certain somewhere at a certain time, well, I may not be there to experience what it is you would like me to experience, with or without you. I am not trying to be harsh, simply realistic.
I'm hurt, no doubt, by this and especially seeing you everyday without the same relationship we used to have is a living reminder of that pain and I don't like that one bit.
It's frustrating and annoying, and beautiful and craZy, and wonderful and terrifying and happy and sad and nerve-wracking and exhilarating all at the same time to want to have control over the uncontrollable. I don't know what to do about it. Need I approach or retreat?
I'm trying to go with the flow and see where things go, but that is proving rather challenging...
It's hard to divorce yourself from something that you are so intimately connected to, distance yourself from it.... Blarg.
Your privacy has turned into evasiveness, madness even... Is it you or is it me that keeps on wedging us further and further apart?....Both, probably.
I am not perfect, I know this... so, am I to bring this up with you and recognize simply that it is your path, to do what you will, as you intend to do it? I am not identifying as a victim, I refuse to, I feel though you're ignoring me. Perhaps I need to be more direct with my feelings and share them with you?? You are changing, I am changing, we are all changing... for the better and all as we are meant to.
A part of me is saying, I don't deserve this, but I know that it is not something you are doing to me, trying to at least, on purpose. It is my perception of it all, your energy, your vibration, your actions when you are around me and how that subsequently makes me feel. I understand, you are doing what you need to do, for you. Being selfish is good, it is. Sometimes. But then again it is lonely, I feel lonely. Part of that is my own doing, actually to be more accurate, all of it is. But it is really lonely to be so close to someone yet, so far from them at the same time. I have mentioned this on more then one occasion.
This is difficult because I feel like our communication is becoming lax again. You do not know my plans, I do not know yours. I do and I do not like this. I like this because it keeps my plans private- what is the point of sharing something with someone when they are not going to be receptive of it? I do not like this because you seem to think you have a lot of time... and while time is a manmade construct and we must change our relationship and ties with time, I do not intend to be here in the fall, so whatever it is you have in your mind, your plan to be a certain somewhere at a certain time, well, I may not be there to experience what it is you would like me to experience, with or without you. I am not trying to be harsh, simply realistic.
I'm hurt, no doubt, by this and especially seeing you everyday without the same relationship we used to have is a living reminder of that pain and I don't like that one bit.
It's frustrating and annoying, and beautiful and craZy, and wonderful and terrifying and happy and sad and nerve-wracking and exhilarating all at the same time to want to have control over the uncontrollable. I don't know what to do about it. Need I approach or retreat?
I'm trying to go with the flow and see where things go, but that is proving rather challenging...
It's hard to divorce yourself from something that you are so intimately connected to, distance yourself from it.... Blarg.
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