Today is one of those days where you haven't gotten enough sleep, so you are going stir crazy and veering on the side of delirium, if not already there.


Back up a few hours ago.... I went to sleep at around 1:30 in the morning, only to wake up a few- not even about an 1:45 minutes later to the sound of my brother puking...... WONDERFUL..... Today is the day of the Winter Solstice.... I feel a tonne of energy bouncing around in my body..... I really do need to take that walk, or RUN, just RUN, anywhere, probably to my favourite tree.

I'm furious that things are/ have not.... been appearing to work themselves out.... for me, in my life... but the thing I need to keep in mind is that things are exactly as they need to be.... I am experiencing a slump in my life, because it's time that I really reflect... GO WITHIN and see what's there for re-creating & co-creating.

I'm upset that it feels like I'm alone.... But I've decided that the best thing I can do for myself, is go meditate, meditate with my trEE and so that is where you can find me.... the place where all seems unclear and everything is demystified and made to be crystal clear!!!


BoooYA. I'm done with these feelings of victimization!

Life as simple...

Last night I watched the Hunger Games, HA, you would think after all this time that I would know better than to get caught up in celebrity life, or the movie itself. Do you ever lose yourself in the plot? And wish that some aspects of the story line apply to your life? Ha, I do that, more often than i would like to and it always come back to being in a partnership... It's ridiculous because really life is not like anything they portray in the movies... It's messy, it's challenging and not at all as pretty as they make it out to be.

Truth is, I wouldn't like any other life but this one and sometimes I have to come to that realization and reality of living my life in all its stumbling beauty.

That's it!

Attraction & Jealousy

Last night I wrote a letter to a friend of mine from a volunteer program five years back.

I was telling her about my two sexual partners that I have had. Ha, as I dawned on what I was writing a thought ran through my mind, like a film shot... Attraction, what is attraction? I had written down that my last (sex) partner had been someone I would not usually, find attractive and it hit me, attraction is something that is, not only subjective, but it's something we have very little control over. Almost like, we can't help who we love/ have a liking to, it just happens! Our feelings are our feelings.

And then I realized, physically he was far from the ideal mate for me, but emotionally and spiritually we found a lot of comfort in one another. Even though it was just a one night thing. And this was back in September, so this is somewhat outdated or, old news. However, it feels relevant to the recent act of writing that letter to my friend. And so, I thought I'd share it.

My next segment is on jealousy.

I am just going to be really forthright and say that I am jealous of two people that are and have been semi-in-my-life. One of them, Jackee* the other A*. A* and I are closer than Jackee* and I are, however they are still considered acquaintances if not, friends. They live in a small town where my other friend goes to school, which is approximately 2 hours away from Toronto, where I live. This is no doubt destructive behaviour toward my own self, to be jealous of them, for separate reasons, yet I am. And I am hoping this blog post will help me work through those feelings.

Here is why the jealousy sparks in me...

For me, many things continue to fall back onto, me not being in a relationship. Its sad that I attribute part of my happiness to this (missing) aspect in my life, but I do. Jackee* has been lucky, she was in a year relationship with the guy I slept with and referenced above. Since they broke up, probably close to seven, eight months ago now. She has found another partner. And they have already experienced going on a one month trip together. It's great they did that and learned many things about the culture and people of Peru. Peru is where they went, if that wasn't clear. But I envy the fact she has found someone that so easily has connected with her, on all levels! Exactly what I am seeking, like many of us are. Since I am not close with her, it is hard to come to the conclusion of her true happiness and to sincerely know what her life is like. Heck, I only get streams of it from newsfeeds on facebook, which filters someone's life and makes it totally unlike the actual experience of living or what their life is actually like. I do not know her enough as a person to know what she has been through. She's kind, from what I remember her sharing with a friend of mine, about me needing to spend more time in Peterborough. And I'd really not like to judge or compare my life to hers because she is rightly on her own path and so feeling jealous of where she is, does nothing for me, but harm me. And really, why would I like to harm myself?  We are all on this Earth together, if something bad ever happened to her, or if her life took a wrong turn I know I would not feel any better about myself. Because of the person I am, I would do anything in my power to help her out. I would not like to see her, or anyone suffer.

The other person I envy and covet the life of is A*. She is someone that, as happy as I am she is in my life, I also feel like she has such a wonderful life. She lives in Petey-town with her two roommates and loves anything and all things farming. She has aspirations for herself to which I have no idea of. I feel like she sensors me in her life, or is not as open as I would like her to be online, bcs she is more of an open in person kind of an individual. And it hurts to know I need to put in so much effort to learn about the going-ons in her life. TO be honest, since I am stating all of this. She is a Sagittarius, yes people can choose to get along with everyone, and decide to not put unnecessary boundaries between them and others, yet I feel sometimes like she makes things seem easier than what they are, because of her life experience and sometimes she projects her views onto me, to a point where I feel like she is undermining my own opinion and making me think (this is very much a characteristic of a Sagg.)... Granted, I am sure I could use the extra space to THINK, but I would think that a friend wouldn't do these things intentionally. And I am sure she is not trying to and I am probably building this so far up in my head that it gets blown through the roof. But again, I feel like she has certain perceptions and that really dramatically impacts her life.

I need to find the point in myself where these feelings about others, gets turned back onto feelings about myself. So this is what I have so far and will continue to progress from here.

1.) I am not in a relationship and I need to discover many things about myself before embarking on a journey with anyone else
2.) I am still living at home. While I love the feeling of having a full house, my brother, my sister and my mom all live here, I would also love to live on my own. Away from my family, so I can grapple at the success of fending for myself. Learning what it all means to truly live on your own and support yourself.
3.)...... to be continued.

* names have been altered

Friendship... what is it worth?

Tonight I friend of mine sent me a message. I deleted her from my phone so I didn't know who it was, I asked. After learning the identity of this person, I told her the truth of some feelings I have been having about her and her boyfriend. This was mentioned in a previous post of mine. I think I called her Angelica, in that post. In any case. She called it quits... I can't say that I am in fact really surprised, except I am. I thought perhaps her, our friendship meant more to her than it obviously came out as.

It's something small and pretty much meaningless if you take into consideration, the fact of our friendship ending because of a boy. But what can you do, sometimes people are in your life for only a short period of time, others are in it for the long haul and others still remain a part of your life, indefinitely.

A few other things, somewhat related to friendship. When I was in Peterborough last, over a month ago now, I had a liking toward someone... his name, Jack*. I didn't know what to make of it, I still don't know what to make of it, but I know that I posted something on my facebook account. He responded and kept the conversation going with another one of my friends, who I don't really talk to anymore, other than on FB and I feel, while she fulfilled the purpose of clarifying his misunderstanding, I need to admit that I was jealous... I am still feeling some of that jealousy. Perhaps not really because of her, or him, but because of myself. I feel like he is ignoring me or, disregarding what it is I said... Who likes to be negated? Ignored? NO ONE!!!! everyone loves to be recognized and it feels like I'm going craZy trying to understand people and their actions. Maybe I am not meant to understand them at all. Instead, let it all go, hang loose and just BE. It feels like I am going to break soon, just crack in two with everything going on.

Today, I haven't talked to my sister, not even once. What do you make of that??? We live in the same house... what the fuck!

This is kind of how I feel.

What if?

Sometimes I wonder what if?

What if I kissed him that night? Would we have kept in touch? Would we be together today? Does he have a kid or, kids? Is he happy? Would he have been with me? Would I have lost my virginity that night? He would have been my first forever-remembered kiss and it would have been great and wonderful and splendid because it was us... One crazy night of drinking way too much for our own good. Lost memories, lost actions, lost souls trying to find our way back out of the darkness... what darkness? the darkness that was the night itself? the darkness that our doings placed us in? What would I have done had I allowed him to kiss me? Would I have clung on so tight of something that could possibly blossom? Was it, would it have been a lost cause? All for nothing? All for everything? What if when he came in that day with his grandma, I had not run away but stayed to talk to him? Get to know him... would it have been worth it? was it worth it to live all this time wondering all these questions?

What if I didn't go to school after I got back from nine months of volunteering? What if I was working? Would I be happy? Would I have found what it is I love doing? Would I be where I need to be? No, because where I need to be is right where I am today! Would I have still met all the incredible people I have on my journey thus far in my life? Would I be where I am spiritually today, had I not return to higher learning? Would I be further ahead? behind even? What would I be doing with my life? Would I have moved out? Would I not be living in Toronto at all? If the first set of questions had anything to do with the second set, would I be living elsewhere in Canada? Saskatchewan? With him? Would I not even be in Canada? If I didn't go to school after that year across the Nation, then I wouldn't be currently supporting an educational system that represses and neglects the importance of Indigenous cultures and ways of learning.... this one is the biggest regret I have. Going to school to learn things I could have learned on my own, on my own time, at my own pace and all for a fraction of the cost I paid. Perhaps not exposing myself to the content I have learned and the people I have met, but still...

What if that guy that came up to me in that car that day while I was walking up to Starbucks... Yeah, him, what if I gave him my number when he asked? What if I got in his car with him? And he took me away with him? I don't want to go as far as to ask, what if we went and had incredible, in-the-moment sex because as I recall he looked like my brother and apart from that being incestuous and me not agreeing with that AT ALL, EVER. it would also be incredibly raunchy and sick of me to think like that. But what if he were kind and sweet and respectful, like the first guy... the very first guy.... And I spent time with him only to realize how different he was from my brother.

I try to live my life, no regrets! There is no point, ever to really think back and wonder what if? because lets face it, we're here and not there, not where we might have been. And we have no way of really knowing what would have happened or come of our life, if I made this decision rather than that one- it's not fruitful to think like this, instead what is fruitful, is exactly living in the moment and recognizing and accepting all that IS and has become a part of your current life. It makes very little sense to look back in deep curiosity or, wonderment and ask, what if? Because the truth of the matter is that those choices you made are what brought you exactly to where you are now and that is exactly where you need to be... We all do it though, from time to time, think about the past loves, the past almost loves, the choices we made, but none of it matters anymore... one of the greatest perils of living. One of the greatest prospects is knowing that you have the power to make your life become what you'd like it to be.... How truly inspiring.

Chi mig-wetch

Number 2.

Lately I have been having this over-welming feeling of resentment toward my sister. I am not a fan of it and I know that in order for these feelings to be released they need to be fully felt or, shared. I'm sharing now in hopes this will lessen it's pervasiveness.

She's not being open with me. Since everyone and every situation is a reflection of yourself and what is going on in your life, is this an indication that I am not being open with her? I am not, and for good reason! She doesn't let me in and it's killing me. That is not to say that I can't share things with her, but it's difficult when things are only one way and there is little to no reciprocity. I know the bitterness and all the bad feelings are there if I let them persist, but when your in a circumstance that disallows healthy communication, how can one grow, flourish, fly and thrive. One thrives in spite of these things, as their existence in your life makes you a stronger, the strongest person. This resentment I feel is also closely tied to bitterness.

I feel like she doesn't care about our relationship. She seldom asks about my day, about me... then again I seldom share when she does... overall difficult situation. Silence permeates the space between us when we are in a room together. Neither of us talks, there is just nothing, almost nothing... if it were nothing would I be writing about it?  The more I think about it, the more I think the best solution is for me to go away... anywhere. Peterborough, Quebec, Nova Scotia, New Zealand, Ireland... anywhere! Anywhere, but here...

Then I think how cowardly that would be, running away from your problems. How can one grow and learn from them, from their life, if they are not present to experience it in its totality... It's too easy. This is a cliff  that I need to jump (I do not mean in the suicide kind of way, I mean in a letting go of control and freeing oneself kind of way), a mountain I need to climb, a lake I need to swim across, a path that I need to walk, alone, perhaps. Yet I also know I am never alone in this, in any of this...

Chi miigwetch!

When? What is all this? Really?

Sometimes I find myself thinking forever more that I would be happy if I were in a relationship. I know that I have so much that I can offer someone... a partner. But I also know how Divinely guided the Universe is and that everything happens for a reason and in me not finding someone yet suitable for me, is all part of the plan the Universe has for me and my significant other. As much as I think about and focus on desiring a relationship... I know it will happen when the time is right. I've just gotta be patient and trust the Universe.

I do find though, more often than not when I notice how happily together others appear, it makes me wonder When will my special person come into my life? Really Universe? I'm 24 years beautiful. I have to remind myself... in due time.... It's frustrating, especially when I think that being involved with someone will be a huge problem solver. hA.. I know it won't be... there are so many people out there that are unhappy in their relationships, and I am not seeking unhappiness. I'm seeking BLISS with another person, pure unadulterated BLISS.... In any case... it's hard work... K* said that it'll happen, soon, for me and that it's not as easy as it looks... I realize and know this... and it's something else entirely to truly know yourself first and foremost. I need this relationship with myself to continue to grow & flourish, so that when the time is right I will be open and willing. How can one be with someone else, if they don't know how to be with themselves first???? This to me is the larger and far more important question....

It's halloween after all. Time to embrace and rejoice in all the glory that is existence and life itself, as we know it and have come to know and understand it, because of all those that came before us and all those that will come after us... I honour you.

Chi Mig-wetch Universe.

*name altered

Hi Universe

OH Great Creator,

Thank you so much for the gift of Nature to be wit me this time of month.

Love.

Chi-mig-wetch!

For all that have no idea what I am talking about, my period. I received flow yesterday and the reason I am happy is because my last sexual encounter brought with it a little smidgen of doubt. There was a point during that I wasn't sure of.... but the Universe has brought with it strength, courage, trust and assurance. The Universe is always on my side, doing things in my favour.....SO happy right now!

Embrace the day that is.... in all it's beauty. :)

Gratefulness & friends

This weekend here in Canada, was our Thanksgiving. My family no longer celebrates it, which I would like to change when I have kids. Instead, I went to my friends Thanksgiving. I've been there before, a few years back. This time it was different, Jyann*, another friend came with. :) The more the merrier, right?

 Jyann*, Larena* and I, met up the previous day to make a sweet potato pie. We made the pie at my dad's place.... First time I've brought friends home to meet him and later my mom too. Divorced parents.... It wasn't bad, it went well and they seemed to really enjoy the parts of my life that I keep hidden.... Although, it's open to anyone who is interested and who I feel I have a good enough relationship with, to share it.

They're presence, in sharing with them my life, has made me feel like I am very fortunate. I have space- my own space, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a bike, everything I need for the time being and I am really grateful for it all. Sometimes, more often than not, I take for granted my parents and the love we share, but the truth is I love them completely and in a word, "owe" my life to them. I don't like to use the term, "owe" because it is language that indicates repayment back to someone and I am in no position, nor do I wish to be, of debt.. like I have an outstanding debt to them. They brought me up, help me become the person I am today and for that I am forever thankful. Them being my parents I love them unconditionally and I intend to help take care of them the way they have taken care of me, when the time is right.

It's not always easy to see what you have when you have it, instead it's easier for things to get out of hand and for you to get angry and caught up in a rush of emotions that do not serve you, even momentarily. and None of that is significant, because really what it comes down to is LOVE, love, LOVE.

 From this day forward I will try to be more appreciative with what kind of life I do lead and be more LOVE-ing

I value the friendship and connection I have with these Jyann* and Larena*, very special friends. Space.... that theme has been prevalent in my life recently and it came up again yesterday, we as separate entities embodying the structures of our respective BEings, interpret and understand things differently, share in different/similar beliefs, hold various values in reverence, etc. and we all need space to be alone. That is what seemed like it was taking place.... Jyann* and I, while we were at Larena's* aunt's place (where Thanksgiving dinner was being hosted) it felt like we were the "outsiders".... at least to me a little bit, but it's not about being baby-sitted with those that brought us there 24/7 or, until we leave. But it's about us feeling comfortable in BEing alone there, while enjoying the company of others. In that, I would need to change my mindset also, as "outsiders" doesn't exist, and is a creation of my own mind that needs definitely to be nullified & negated.

These ladies are my hippie friends, free love all around the table, for everyone! They're spirits are vast and wonderful. I love and respect them. However they make me question things within myself, like, a certain mindset or beliefs that I need to drop or, a feeling or state of BEing that I have carried with me for a while and is essencly (this is a newly created word that needs to be used here!) a part of me. they make me call into question my LIFE. While it can be quite productive and effortful, it is also something that I am not ready for.... just yet anyway. It takes time to realize that where I am is not where I'd like to be and figure out changes that need to take place in my life. Often that is simply, Trail and error. Timing is everything, yes, time is a social construct and our beliefs around it are again, something that need to be altered but the time in my life, will come where I will need to think about this, and think about that....Not now. It will come up thoroughly when it needs to come up, perhaps I am also trying to put it off?

I've gotten the ball rolling with ideas as to what is to come within the next 6 months of my life... a world of possibilities.  :)

I need to deal with me first... knowing myself, what I would like, my abilities, my joys, my pains, EVERYTHING! I need to figure it all out and BE or, DO it and drop what no longer serves me! That time is January and thereafter..... :)

Some other feelings I have had about Larena* and  Jyann*, mostly about Jyann* though are those of envy and conceit. I get a sense of self-rightenousness from her. Sometimes when I tell her things, I need to be selective because of my non BEing where she is in Life - reaching a lot of realizations or having those within herself. She comes off as complacent and it makes me feel inadequate..... those are generally not feelings I'd like to have. and I need to loose that line of thinking... but again, for the time being it's a part of me. I can't help feel the way I feel.

I also feel a little jealous with how close her and Larena* are. I met Larena* first and since she's moved out of the city Jyann* and her have met and become excruciatingly close. I believe in horoscopes and they are a Gemini and Sagitarrius respectively and air feeds fire so, it is only natural & befitting that they would be close.... Especially closer than myself and Larena* or, myself and Jyann*. There is also, not always something to talk about.... which is completely fine and comfortable. People do not always have to be talking or conversing. Communication is happening in other ways too. :) The closeness Larena* and Jyann* have,  bothers me because I haven't found my counterpart yet.... it's almost like, "Dear Universe, when?" But limiting beliefs that prevent me from living NOW.

So, that is this segment of my life.... the pie was alright!

* name altered

Is this my wake up call?

Hurts.... I have loved you ever since I learned of your existence....

And you are most certainly making a come-back in my life. :) Thank you for this blessing.

Chi-mig-wetch

It takes two...

in happiness, in sadness, in sickness and in health for better, for worse, I will love you.

I wear two rings on my ring finger on my left hand. It's all for the Universe I tell myself. They are both indicative of my love for the Great Mystery that is life, until of course, I meet that special person. Sometimes, because at most times it feels like a one person partnership. I know that it wholly is not. I feel incredibly alone.... Sure I talk to my beloved, but at times when I am feeling a little lost. It gets to be challenging when no-one physically is there to comfort me, but for better, for worse right?...I know that the Universe is on my side, always doing things that work out in my favour, I just gotta start believing that and living more in EVERY single moment as opposed to focussed on the past or future.

Close but no cigar....

I've been feeling stags of loneliness over the last few days... probably actually ever since my latest sexual encounter, however more so prominently over the past three days- since Monday! Surprise, surprise since Angelica* told me that news.

I looked on craigslist. In the personal ads for something that could provide comfort... I found one that was promising and I wrote, was in the process of writing, an email response to someone new... to start something new... a friendship perhaps, or possibly more.... But I stopped myself. I remember the last time I did that I promised myself that I would not allow myself to do it again.... Meeting someone online can be exhilarating, all the good feelings, but it can also be tremendously scary and not at all fulfilling. I wouldn't like to do that to myself, again.... I love ME too much. So instead I opted for the path of least resistance, the one where I am dancing for joy because BLISS and LOVE are all there needs to be in life.... As much as I would love to connect with someone new, I also need to do some, A LOT of self-discovery.... more so than I can fathom completely.

Music that is getting me through this drought, dry-spell, this trial of life is courtesy of Angels and Airwaves.... One in particular

* name altered

This is it.....

So things in my life seem to be intense, or a little bit too much for me to handle right now- so intense, by my standards.

I've been too caught up with facebook, my phone (even though no one really texts me) and I've made a decision to be apart and without these meaningless tools for a while... Sure, I'll still check my facebook account, my phone for messages (I have plans this Thanksgiving weekend with a friend and I will need to be able to reach her).... and even for an alarm clock in the morning, but I need to be with myself.... just with myself.... For a while.... really!!!!

Last night I talked with my dad and it was a difficult conversation full of emotion and impulsive reactions.... I need to really focus on decompressing and meditation- so that the mechanics and dynamics of last night's conversation do not replay themselves.

That package I bought myself this summer, for my birthday, I'm going to put it to good use and start implementing it.... This morning, you know how incredible it can feel to wake up with excitement, love and happiness? Well, I don't really have that with me right now, so I'm going to go shower, head to the University and complete this assignment I have due Friday than come home to do more work and really pick and choose which meditations I would like to follow within the next little while.... set goals and ambitions and Thrive.

I'm sick of feeling crappy. I know it's a choice and I'm going to change that for the better.

I'm by myself, so I'm going to really be by myself and see what happens, see how things start changing.... this has obviously been in the workings for a really long time, and its time I start releasing and focusing it.... I'm done with mindless BS. Things that no longer serve me. I'm ready to start listening to my heart-of-hearts and BEcoming who I am meant to BEcome, BEcoming one with Source, ..... my path is this.

Angelica* and Tom*

hmmmm, Angelica* I love you. And I very much enjoyed our time together today. As much as I feel a year ago I would have been hurt with the information you shared with me today, I could not be more happy. I love that you are happy. No regrets, right? WE are all where we need to be on our paths....

Today I saw a friend from a place I used to work at. We go to the same University and it had been a while since we last spoke to one another and caught up. She tells me that her and I guy I used to like are dating..... smile inducing ALL over. I have absolutely no hard feelings for either of them. They're happy, I'm happy. And I'm in a place right now where all I would like to do is love everyone. I feel an itch to be intimate with people too. Something my body is craving to explore.

I wrote the former portion of this post yesterday.

I am writing the latter portion of this post NOW. Today, I don't feel different however, there are just some things I feel need to also be mentioned. 1.) Guilt, I feel the guilt Angelica* felt is the something that brought us together- that instigated the get-together, she had to tell me about her and Tom*, otherwise the guilt would eat away at her... couldn't have that could we?- Guilt is something that is apart of the ego, and it's a drive to survive, because of the fear that if it is not taken care of, the ego will be annihilated. It's a very selfish emotion. I personally prefer to get together with someone because of the good feelings that are shared between us, not for anything presumably bad happening, or a feeling a guilt. I feel like it was such a botched plan...I actually feel a little hurt that the main reason why she was interested in hanging out was because of this. But, it is over and I reacted how I reacted and that's all. It's perhaps something that she needs to work on as that is where she is in her life right now.

2.) Confidence, I know there is a place where Angelica* feels so insecure  and self conscious and I would love for her to really step out of that doldrum of the mind, but again I am making a plenty of inference. Again, it' something that requires work and it's easier said than done, as well as something of what she needs to work through. 3.) Too open..... this is the part that gets me every time... I feel as though I AM too open with people, especially when her and I have drifted, and after yesterday's meeting, I feel we will possibly even continue to drift (and that's okay with me). But the information I share... hahaha when I get started I guess because I crave understanding from others that it's like a switch that is stubbornly ON as opposed to the easy to shut off switch. Areas of my life do not need to be shared with the entire world and I need to learn to shut off and partially shut down when I am asked to share.... Even though many people in my life, listen.... I've had enough. Maybe this is one of the bigger lessons I need to learn. After all everything that happens, happens with a Devine purpose in mind and me constantly being the one to talk or talk a lot, is exactly what needs to happen at that time.  And yesterday was attestament to how reserved I do need to be with certain individuals. Angelica* and Tom*, according to her, feed off each other. They are both air signs and it makes me somewhat sad that I have not found my Prince Charming yet (key word, my- as he will be Prince Charming according to my standards). Anyways so yes, a little envy, or perhaps coveting, even that though I need to feel and release because being jealous has no purpose in my life and is a waste of good, valuable energy that could otherwise be used positively.

There is a question that runs through my mind as well, "Would she stop seeing him if I was upset?" After all, we are not that close to justify an end of something that makes her happy. She owes me nothing.... But again, something that doesn't necessarily make sense to question being I responded the way I did and that is it!

All of life is great, and we shall see what the Universe has in store for me! :)

* name altered

The past to no feeling....

Last night I was watching Vampire Diaries, addictedly.... I was on the episode after Elena Gilbert turns off her feelings..... this part resonated.... mostly because of my neutrality of things over the past while... Last night I also went through to the past and found my way to someone's facebook page.... the person I mentioned in an earlier post... of me not caring how happy he was with and in his current relationship, with that girl after he went out with me one time (this sounds so petty).... And I looked at their pictures. I felt nothing, in fact their happiness was infectious and made me smile right through to my heart. There are no hard feelings toward either of them..... Perhaps there is a part of me that envies their relationship because I would love to be in one, but.... that is not where I am right now. In my life I am currently in a place of LOVE for everyone and everything, especially my brothers and sisters the trees, clouds, animals, and all another BEings that dwell on the Earth plain.

I was talking to my mom about my weekend in Peterborough and after my last encounter with the opposite sex, I really feel like I can just be with anybody and be comfortable with that, you know? Sex it up.

 That guy Darren*, from this summer... I ran into him today and he asked for my number, I gave it hesitantly.... who knows what is to happen... all I know is that I am where I need to be. I try not to think of the past too much, or care not of it. I look and live for the moment and try to make all the minutes of the day count.

Chi-mig-wetch! :)

You're still on my mind.

I'm thinking about you.... if I am still doing this within the next few days, there is no other thing for me to do but to let you know.... I hope all is well with you and that your life is where you'd like it be, where you need it to be!

Smiles and love

Hippie Weekend in the Sun.... and emptiness

Hmmmm, so there is a lot to say.... A lot I feel needs to be said... my life is splashed on to these postings...

This weekend... I had sex with a friend. I almost really don't know what to say as I am at a loss for words. He put me in this matrix and told me I may do things I wouldn't normally do (was this part of his plan? Did he even have a plan- I know it's cruel of me to possibly even consider these questions, but... Either way I take responsibility, I was there, it was my choice, I feel all different now though. Especially since he is atypical from the men I am usually attracted to... there was one part that simply drew me in.)....Anyways,  second sexual partner, unexpected, wonderful, loving, caring, all that someone could ask for... there is something that I feel is undoubtedly missing. He is a really beautiful person and I could feel that. Aside from that the whole experience has made me feel, a lot more.... So let me list some things I've discovered and learned from this experience, as all experiences earn you lessons, to move up and on with your life.

1.) I value relationships, while there are many different relationships one can have and for that matter, not have, in their life. I value the kind of relationship that one has in partnerships, companionships, marriage, togetherness, whatever one would like to call them. One-on-one, personal, intimate, beyond love, spiritual solidification of one's feelings for another. I do not, nor will I ever feel differently in this life about polygamy. I am without any hesitation a monogamist. So in this experience having someone to just have sex with, well it satisfied a need, but that comfort in knowing you are with someone for more than that physical act was simply not there.

2.) Communication. I also learned that while my sexual naivety can be construed as sexy or hot, or just attractive, it is also something that I do not desire. The strong person that I know I am outside of that environment needs to be present in the bedroom. She does, she just totally needs to be there- there is no contestation. Along with that strength there is a confidence that is so powerful that needs to be there too, and without the alcohol. I need to rip off that band-aid and be raw, animalistic, physical and yet interwoven with the other person that lets them know how deeply I feel for them. A feeling that can only truly be had in a LOVE relationship.Wow, I'm getting off topic a little bit. In terms of the confidence, I will get there. I know I will.. Patience is just a part of it and I also have no idea how many other attractive people the Universe will put in front of me- along my path that will help me bring it out. I don't feel I am meant to have many relationships. Sexual partners, well, practice makes perfect, right the more you have, the better at it you become.... This time around I realized how sexually shy I am. I don't verbalize things that need verbalization. That was an occurrence with the first guy too, but this experience made it more prevalent. I need to learn how to communicate better with the words I have within me.

3.) I think this is my final point. Emptiness. Since there was a lack of relationship so evident in this sexual encounter, I feel like the something missing is equivalent to the "emptiness". And that emptiness is the relationship I desire to be in one day, Hopefully soon. Third time is a charm.... and by this I mean third sexual partner is a charm... C'mon Universe, I implore you. I love thee nonetheless. Ah, what a synchronistic. This is so beautifully pleasant. I love it.

Wow, way to end off with a bang. 3... that's such a powerful number! Ah! :)

 Chi-mig-wetch! :)

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Ash tree is a beloved friend of mine. Today she gave me medicine that is the most valuable gift. "Gain mastery over yourself by accepting who you are and fearlessly looking at all aspects of your personality. Strive to be objective and rational, rather than being swept along by subjective emotion"

My goal today is to get on the other side... right now I am at the end of that quote.... I need to be somewhere situated in the middle. :)

Love, be love, by the Grace that is!

Repeat....

Today is SOME day, huh?

All the changes I am going through I am starting to feel..... a little more and more, as time goes on....

I know mulling over my own thoughts is a terrible thing to do especially when they seem to take you to the deep intricacies of your own mind and those places can be very dark.... But one of the gifts is teaching me to absorb into these feelings, so I can be absolved from them, freed, liberated...

I feel a little caught up in my own dullness, a good thing for the time being expect, I need to actually start studying for a midterm exam I have Friday, before I continue to drone on like this......

It isn't entirely bad I'm sure. After all everything has a purpose right?

I'm listening to the same song, it's been playing over and over for the past half hour and I know that things are.... they just ARE....

I'm smiling as I write this because there are so many feelings coming to the surface, that only truly deserve to be shared with the Universe.

But Torture of the High Seas, an entry I did not complete with reasons I had decided upon before,  well I did the same thing I did that day, again about 5 minutes ago... I don't know why we, females or even people in this day and age in general, have a tendency to torture ourselves over the previous involvements of the people we now care about, or would like to claim we care so deeply for.... Why do humans feel the need to feel jealousy, or anger?

this doesn't make sense to me..... I respect people's pasts as they have only brought them further in their journey on this Earth, so why am I thinking it such a big deal to check out someone's profile on fBook. Who I don't even know? C'mon Natasza you are totally better than that... You are Amazing and it doesn't take long for anyone to see that.... why try to intentionally bring yourself down????

Not to mention we are all one.... and whatever you find you do not like in another just means it is something you have not come to terms with within yourself....  I'm not jealous.... I am just feeling a whole lot more than I have been. This is a good thing, as I have somewhat been lacking in that department......

One of my go-to songs... Do It For Me Now, by Angels and Airwaves, Tom DeLong's voice... wow... it could make Queens fall. A Little's Enough is another fantabulous song! :)

Feel today and all days to follow!

Today was a one. Beautiful in it's splendour. I connected with who I needed to connect with. "Reawaken, Rethink, Redefine, Reimagine, Relive, Rebirth, Recapture, Repurpose, Reclaim, Restart".... words from the Organic Raw Kombucha drink that is absolutely delicious. All words that describe a number 1 day...... new beginnings.... I'm trying not to think about the inevitable closure of something that was short lived... perhaps, barely lived, because there is always a sense of sadness that accompanies such things.... And I really would like everything to just work out... hahaha I am catching myself with these words in my mouth, because EVERYTHING always does work out..... The Universe is always on our side. It may be difficult to see at times, because new beginnings are often marked as painful endings.


Love, love, love, that's all this world is

My Tattoo.

Back in August I got a tattoo that really resonates. My first one and I couldn't be more happy with it.

Here is the best picture I've got! :)

The Message.

"The Message Silence, They Say, Is The Voice Of Complicity. / But Silence Is Impossible./ Silence Screams. / Silence Is A Message, / Just as Doing Nothing Is An Act. / Let Who You Are Ring Out and Resonate / In Every Word and Every Deed. / Yes, Become Who You Are. / There's No Sidestepping Your Own Being / Or, Your Own Responsibility. / What You Do Is Who You Are / You Are Your Own Comeuppance. / You Become Your Own Message. / You Are The Message"- Leonard Peltier

This quote has inspired me. I read it when I went to see the Ghost Dance Exhibit at my School's Art Gallery. It's on Native Peoples and a part of their history, some at Wounded Knee, The Oka Crisis. The Art is compiled in such a way to evoke emotion. Doesn't all art do that in some form or another? Singing, music can bring someone to tears, bring courage and strength to one's heart, make one smile. A painting, sculpture, photo or otherwise can move someone to Silence. Even Nature, which is to me, the truest of the Artforms can render someone speechless. It often does that to me, time and time again. Art is powerful and art is intricately interwoven within our own fabric as BEings and two-leggeds that walk the Earth....

This brings me to citing two of my favourite quotes... One that I see, ever so often at the The Big Carrot, a health food store in the East end of Toronto on a pillar, just in their courtyard that I infrequently go... "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart"- Helen Keller mmmmhmmmm, breathe that in... so gorgeous.

The other quote is one I said about my body being Nekkid... It just so happened to be on the Internet too. It was for a friends project, which now has exploded into a new form of thinking- Body Pride of one's self in the human form.... Here is my quote "I have been blessed to receive the gift of my beautiful body from Creator God (my precious friend, Nicole’s words) I love it, I’m proud of it, I’ve embraced it, in all it’s glory. It’s my living human art form, and it’s gorgeous.” – Natasza O.F. " 

All of us are PERFECT just the way we are and we need to start and continue to embrace all the beauty and gorgeousness that is our BEingness. 

I was writing a journal entry for my homework; my Philosophy readings and I was so tempted to say that there is no Universal viewpoint. But there is....The Universal viewpoint is LOVE. and it would have taken a lot longer than the 200 words I had left remaining for my assignment, to explain that, but it is so true.... the language we all Understand is Love.... After all, it is our very core. We may not know how to define it, but we know how to express it and live by it.... Again, it comes back to Helen Keller's quote.... the best and most beautiful things are felt through the heart.

mhhmmmmmm, breathe that in. 

Today I have to do something, say something to a friend that a care for. The depth of my caring has not yet been experienced by myself or the individual involved. It is something that is unfolding as it does and I have no expectation on how the day will prevail, namely, just this event. However, I am nervous and calm at the same time. Being in his presence is soothing, yet I am a mess, emotionally & mentally. 

I'll be able to hold it together though. I am strong, I am fierce, I am confident and I am courageous. Among many other things. 

Chi mig-wetch Universe, Chi mig-wetch for it all!!! 

Oh yeah, for those of you interested in seeing what my friend has to offer... her page. http://tobeaslut.com/ 

dream of the Underworld?

I had a dream last night, actually about a 45 minutes ago that I was awoken from. Someone who I do not talk to anymore and is barely in my life, I ran into her while I was still in Charlottetown (where I came back from nearly a month ago now). She looked sad and we hugged as she told me her mom had apparently died. That's huge I thought.... I mean a parent. Someone who raised you to be the person you are (not in all cases) today. So we went to the yoga studio that my friend and I had just come out of, and talked.... minimally, until my alarm went off.

I was interested in going deeper, yet waking up with such vivacity. I knew I had to do something to find out what I could.

I typed in "death in dream" into the search bar on google.. The hits were not of liking. I then typed in, "death of an associate's parent dream" and got something that resonated. It was in an article called,  Dreaming of Death and Dying: The Meaning of Death Dreams. A good read. 

I was particularly struck with feelings of negativity. It was just a powerful, sharp dream that was painless. This is what I read from that article that made my spirit speak "Some believe that death is a positive sign that the dreamer will have prosperity and longitivity." 

Usually, when I have a dream, it is representative of something happening in the peoples' lives that I have dreamt about, however symbolic dreams are of the dreamer's inner world....

Here, I will send her a message, ask if things are good.

It's grey skies where I am. A perfect day to read and catch up on some University assignments.

Love. Enjoy your beautiful days that are! :)

So I just realized... somewhat epiphany style. Love.... it's undefinable, so why bother trying to define something that is impossible to define?

Exactly, there is no point in trying. Somethings are better left to the feelings of the heart and soul! :)

A Note on Best-friendships

Disclaimer: These are my thoughts and freedom of expression allows me to write what I have written. If anyone is offended those are not my intentions.

Hmmm. I am writing here today because of the type of feelings I've been having lately.... Ever since a few days ago I have been feeling lonelish. I would not like to say definitively, LONE---LY. But what really sparked this feeling was my friend, whom I adore. I met her while away in PEI and she recently posted a "22 reasons your best friend is your significant other" on one of her best friends walls on facebook.

There is a lot of hogwash out there, this not being one of them (although this too, to some extent still needs to be taken with a grain of salt) but with facebook there is almost always that need to see what others are up to and what is going on in other peoples' lives.... this hit home for me, simply because I don't have a best friend yet. I thought a little as to why it bothered me, or instantly affected me, after seeing said article. And that was the reason.... I don't have a best friend YET. keyword: yet. I have thought about this for some time now and truth be told, I've always thought of my future husband being my best friend. Point. Blank. And Simple.

There's nothing really further to say except there is no point to be jealous of those who have this type of relationship already.... because just because one does not have it now, doesn't mean that they will not have it at all.

I'm really excited about a new adventure to begin with someone. Chi-mig-wetch Universe. :)

Based on what I've written regarding loneliness, there is this quote that is very fitting (see below), just because if you're alone that doesn't necessarily translate into lonliness, it can be the one thing you need to do for yourself, to help bring your BEing into alignment- it's a blessing. In our society, we are conditioned to believe that we need to be in public, engaging with people 24/7 and that is insanity... Being alone is a wonderful thing. Sometimes, when we do let our thoughts pervade our minds and focus on loneliness, it can be unwelcomed and unpleasant. However, even that is something to be embraced.

This photo is copywritten to EffortlessPeace.com

Beauty to something new :)

Before I head downstairs to make my lunch I would like to make a declaration of excitement to the Universe to let Creator God know that I am so happy, happy, happy to be alive today.

I'm excited about what is to come. I got a call today from a place I applied to and I see myself being a part of their team. It's as a dog walker. My friend, who is referenced as the "you" in the previous post told me that I should be one and I took that idea and flew with it, because I am so ecstatic at the opportunity for even just an interview.

It's tomorrow and I am so excited about it!

The will of Devine Source is on my side!

I love life!

Feelings out in the open.... READY, set, Go!

And so here I am. I'm going to be as honest with you as I know I need to be with myself.

Disclaimer: This is highly personal and can get very deep.

I like you. Or maybe I like the idea of liking you....Either way, I feel attached to you because my emotional investment in "this" has been for a greater period of time than I would really care to admit. In June, perhaps even in May,  is when it started. When I first saw you, your beautiful blue eyes, your big, open, clean, pure heart, your kindness & compassion. All of this and so many other undefinable things were just there, present in your BEingness. I was so excited and in AWE to witness it everyday, or nearly everyday. It brought joy to my heart and a smile to my face. It was bliss, it is bliss knowing you.

I would like to feel something more than what I do right now. I feel neutral about a lot of things.... the prevalence of this stagnant energy is consuming. I would like to do something so passionately spontaneous that it blows your socks right off - by the skin of your teeth. Hahaha. I'm doing good- in an excellent mood today.

I love spending time with you, getting to know you is all so invigorating. The first night I caught myself thinking, "wow, this is actually happening. He is sitting right next to me, I can't believe it!"And then there's this thing that's keeping me reserved and yet keeping me coming back for more - it's fear btw, partially. I'm scared, terrified actually of receiving what it is I feel I deserve. And thinking about this just makes me cry.  That is the side of me, my emotions that are overflowing yet "difficult to explain" (or, so I would like to believe). I feel there is a side of me not opening up because of that fear of me getting hurt.... well, boyah Natasza, because as much as we try to prevent hurt and pain, it happens, pain is growth's evil twin. In essence, pain is good.

I'm trying to work around this idea that things unravel as they need to. They do, they really do. After-all, the Universe is wonderful, as many times I try to deny it or her beauty I know that she is great, a beautiful crazy mystery. And I have lived to love absolutely every minute of it.... In spite of feeling otherwise at times.

Yes there is your life and my life, naturally there needs to be. We are all walking our own paths and need the freedom to do so. I am battling in a long way to begin mine. Find my truth, or accept my truth and come to some decision as to how I will aspire to make it ALL happen. That is something else that is taking place in my life, pretty much there, in it's full frickin' throttle.

I've asked my guides... Our lives are interwoven my friend, for the worse and for the better. I'm ready for it or, maybe I have to convince myself that I am. But I'm here and I'm doing things that I need to do, as are you.  The blood line, you're a part of my life now, perhaps it's my tenacity but I'm not letting go anytime soon.

I've been listening to this song, throughout the duration of me writing this entry.... I've come to believe it's very fitting.

P.S.
This is me, a part of who I am

Collapse, Crash, Boom, Aw, Yay.

Today while eating breakfast I was pondering a thought.... what if the market was really a free one? No, "free market" economy with little government and state control, but what if there was just no money. Period.... let's sit with that for a while and breathe that in.... NO MONEY!

That would mean, everyone who worked would be considered volunteers and would do it for the sheer pleasure of doing something good, you know because it feels good in your heart as opposed to doing it for the paycheque one receives every two weeks or, in some cases every so often.

Imagine that though. That would mean everyone is on the same boat in terms of socio-economic class, perhaps that kind of categorization doesn't even exist?.... unfortunately there are those that would be more inclined to take a lot more than others and leave little for those that remain, but I'd like to think that there would be equal sharing among society's members. So barter and trade, sharing, LOVE and compassion, kindness and light, beauty and breath, that's it. Breath that in, what a wonderful thought eh?

Utopia in my mind or my shot at trying to change the heavy system upon system that is already built up within society, within our mind so high that we need about ten thousand bulldozers to knock them down and out of our BEing for good.

Have an incredibly BEaUtiful day today. Go out and do some good! :)

My writing, my outlet.

Hello world!

Last night and tonight were the nights I decided to watch a documentary film on psychotropic drugs.

What lead me to do this was actually a short film on education by Ken Robinson. He mentions ADHD in his film and says that he believes it doesn't really exist. I agree because it is one of the made up "psychological disorders" claimed to be so by pharmaceutical companies and psychiatrists alike. In fact, it is probably in the DSM.

 EEEEEEEEEEEE (imagine the dead tone of a heart monitor in the hospital).

Anyways it is a film that has opened my eyes, even more so than they are already.

I have graciously been raised by my mom and dad, respectfully. My mom has high values when it comes to health and alternative medicine. I love her for it because that means that I have not had any needle injected into me, unless it was for drawing blood.

ANd my kids... the ones that I will one day have, will not touch or even go near such things as this toxic stuff. If my life depends on it....

To all who read this. The following is a STRONG recommendation for you all to watch. be MINDful!

I don't think I posted an announcement on this, but I went back to Trinity Bellwoods the following morning and retrieved my Moqui ball from under that wonderful great tree that protected it so. Thank you tree. :)

Water and Earth

The compatibility of the turtle and frog clans brought tears to my eyes!

Awoken at an early hour

It's almost 20 after 5 and I cannot sleep. Some people believe this is due to others thinking or dreaming about you.... I can agree, but other reasons for me being awake may possibly be having too much on my mind, something happening to any one particular loved one or any other kind of Powerful Universal Shift.

I would love to contact everyone I know to ask if they are safe and Happy.

Or maybe, mine being awake has to deal with the fact of me not being able to get my stone out of my head.....  a stone that came into my life, for a reason and I know that if I am unable to find it today that it is the will of Devine Source,  yet it is a stone that is dear to me and that does resonate quite a bit.

Or Perhaps, get this? the New Lunar month began at roughly the time I was awoken, 4:30ish. Gotta  Love the Universe.

Creator, you are a wonderful, beautiful mystery to me and I adore you!

Moqui Ball please come back to me! :)

This afternoon I spent some time with a very special person. Now, I do not know when this took place but I lost my Moqui ball shaman stone. We were hanging out in the park so hopefully it is by the tree we were sitting next to. I will definitely need to go back and see for myself tomorrow... here's hoping the Universe knows what is best.

Good night world!

Here is a song I am so into right now... the words... so AMAZING!!! :)

I am back....

I'm back home from my journey to the Eastern Coast of Canada.

It was such a beautiful trip. Met a lot of incredible PEIple. ANd since I did not sleep last night I am so tired, in fact my eyes are closed as I writes this.... It feels like I haven't slept in days, really. I don't even know how and where I am finding the energy to write this, but I am...

I so wish there was a remedy, some kind of something special that can make me help work through it is whatever it is you are going through. It makes me sad and hurt, a little, even though it is not about me, but about what you are facing and what you are feeling and choose to feel it out by yourself. Perhaps to not have the burden placed on others. I have no idea what it is all about.... for now, I am just too tired to think about it, about anything really but shut eye.  That being said, I do feel it is a challenge you are working through, lets leave it at that.

I hope that you do what is best for you.. I know that you do and always will.

The Night of tthe Last

Tonight, I cannot sleep.

I am going home to Toronto from PEI tomorrow morning. I need to leave at 5am. It is currently two and I need to be up for 4 in the morning.

Crazy how sometimes when you need sleep your body disagrees and says no instead. Rejecting the thought as if you could stay awake forever.

That is how I feel right now. Awake, wide awake. Oh, so wide awake. So much on my mind and so excited to return to my beloved Toronto.

There is so much to do upon my return home. Looking forward to it all.

Love you world, thank you for everything!

Goosebumps

This was my horoscope yesterday only one person came to mind... smiles, heart flies and love...
A wise inner voice is leading you towards a destination that you cannot yet see. In spite of your doubts and reservations, you will, when the time is right, connect up with a certain person who believes in you and recognizes your true talent. A surprisingly supportive cosmic picture is watching over you.

Trip encounter with an unlawful fellow

So I am in Prince Edward Island and have been for the past , almost week... I am coming up to six days here today, Monday.

And upon physical trip travelling one would like to meet and connect with  the right kind of friendly, nice people that one needs to meet while visiting said location.

I am a sweetheart. I am as nice to people I am meeting for the first time, as I possibly can be and I try to be as helpful as posssible, given the circumstance. Kindness it is in my DNA.

I am staying at the hostel in CHarlottetown and it is wonderful. I have already met some pretty incredible people and some mainly ONE, really uncomfortably-feeling type person. I know that things are present if you give them energy. And equally, everyone along your path is to have met you, either for their self-growth and healing, or for your self growth and healing, But, this person is difficult to shake... There is actually something really powerfully negative there. Not saying that it is fully bad, necessarily it is just something that he would have to work on....Anyways.

I am an attractive female. Since my trip I have received the googly eye on-looker-stare down that basically summates what males think of me physically.... This person is no exception. He is staying at the same hostel as I am and has given me several compliment-remarks. Being ins such proximity is in part what makes me feel so uneasy.  Thank goodness he is leaving tonight because he makes me very uncomfortable. 

Here is how the story goes....
Since I am so nice and try to be helpful and more so KIND than anything else, I knew that he had left to go out camping around the Brackley Beach area and was coming back for a night, I set aside a 2$ coupon for him to save upon his final stay here at the hostel. You know because I do have plenty of them and therefore would like to get rid of them, but also because I thought it would be a nice gesture.....WEll, guess what! BIG MISTAKE.

Not only do some males prefer not to get help, but I felt as though he was downright offended when he found out it was me.... because the positive, you are-so-attractive, kind of attention he was giving to me was switched to a bitterness and a seeming hatred that I felt very cold. You know.... of all the philosophies that teach to not takes things personally and to let things go and just be the kind, loving, caring person that ever human being needs to be, this interaction stopped me DEAD in my tracks because it was behaviour and an attitude that I did not feel good about. IN fact, it was one that I was not expecting. And that is the other thing about life and philosophies, NO EXCEPTIONS is best. When one walks into something with expectation that is setting up for disappointment right there. Not all the time I am sure, but it definitely throws you threw a loop when things turn out differently than from what you were anticipating. Even the good kind of different can still be pretty striking.

In any case that is that. This happened yesterday and the reason I guess I am still thinking about it is because I simply cannot shake off the feelings I have, surrounding the experience until I vent, so this is what this is for me write now (hahaha get it)... ventalation that is allowing me to breathe.

It was also difficult for me not to be hurt from his dismissal of my kindness because I semi-went out of my  way to do something nice for someone, out of the goodness of my heart and it got turned away. Granted, some people do not have to be all receptive and can, within their right decline a gesture of good heart, but it is always best, I find anyway to be completely open-minded about it and to accept help when given, even if you are a man and that sometimes is a hard thing to do. Especially in order to maintain the matcho exterior and the I-can-figure-things-out-on-my-own-because-I-am-a-man mentality. Judgement free zone, but the latter comment is simply from experience.

I feel lighter already. Amazing sharing!

Celebration of Days gone by..... :)

today was my last day at work. For the past year I have been working at a cafe.... and for the past several years I have been serving coffee.

I can fINALLY say today... that chapter of my life is now oVER....  I am done being a barista, working in the service industry..... "service" as defined by society...  My universal service is just beginning. In fact, that is the next chapter of my life that continues to unravel with each new day and each step I take..... smiling all day every day from this day forward!!! :)

here is a video that is absolutely beautiful and is befitting to new Chapters.

Room

6:05 pm on August 5th, I am done the glue removal.... over joyed!!! :)

my hands are thanking me and my heart is smiling!!!!

tomorrow's agenda: sanding, and then second last shift at the cafe.

By the end of the week I will be painting.... :) booya!

The Calling....

so there are a few things that have been calling me to do, before I head off to work... one read an email in my inbox named, "trust the Universal Intelligence"... I personally like, "Trust the Universe" better and to read up on deer... and the symbolical meaning behind why it has shown up in your life.... I've been thinking quite a bit of them.... who knows what that means, so let's find out.....

Glass

this song is really resonating with me & has been for a while now....

A country song, fit for the entire world! 

Smile, the light of life

The wind is blowing, the sun is shinning, it's 10am and it feels like it is going to be such beautiful day.... feeling incredible.... Also, Phil boothstars, this is why I love you, "You’ve developed a tendency to worry over what are essentially small overblown issues. This is understandable when placed in context with the tension that surrounds you. Still, you mustn’t let that those clouds obscure the light shining on your future. Your concerns are centered on a molehill that more likely to shrink than grow."

happiness runs in a circular motion....

ps.

It's official, my right arm is more toned than my left.... time to balance the scales.

feelings still under the surface.

The anniversary of your passing brought forward a most precious gift.... Thank you. :)

This is about a month over due, but this is your song.... goosebumps....

please know that you are thought of often, and fondly.... In fact, I have a customer that is such a princess and he reminds me of you. Not saying that you were ever, or are a princess, but the similarities are uncanny.... From what I observe, he is also a gentle giant type. Miss you Dan Dematteis..... I also was going through some old papers today and stumbled across the one I had written all the cheese varieties down that you brought into my life.... the deliciousness of the Cottage and Niagara Gold cheeses live on.  Happiness where you are. 

One day.... is all it took...

to be in pain..... my right hand feels like it's completely warped, my right arm and shoulder are aching.... ah and I still have half the floor left to scrape.... wonderful! :) I should have been doing this more consistently throughout the summer. Primer is almost finished.

For anyone embarking upon a home redecoration project and are doing the tedious task of tile stripping..... goo be gone* is a Godsend at helping to remove some of the excess glue on the floor boards underneath... I am trying to salvage the wooden floor and I must say am quite pleased with the work I have done so far.... I still have a lot more to do, but it will soon all be worth it.... hmmm lets see, dates.... August 11th, everything must be done, so I can move in. That is the deadline I am giving myself, which means....scrape, prime, paint, varnish.... 4 major things.... oh boy.... it can and will be done!

On another note, a friend from Katimavik is coming for a visit next week.... it's been nearly 5 years since we all parted ways.... I've only seen one other member from my group.... wait, 2. I'm anticipating seeing her, her and I were super close, have drifted, as can be expected, but it's going to be interesting to see what it is like being in her company again.... Changes, let me count the ways.

Hopefully we will get a chance to go to the Island.... haven't been there since grade school.

Intuition

It's funny, not funny, I love how my intuition just knows..... this is one way my spirit is connecting to me, but of the two places where I could potentially get my tattoo, of course I had to have a specific feeling from one of them... I right kind of feeling. :)

Alacrity.... beauty of a word

..... "Embrace change with alacrity and you’ll find that the stars help you achieve one of your most cherished dreams." Part of my horoscope for the day... don't know what I originally planned to write with that. I just thought this was such a wonderful addition to my vocabulary.... alacrity.... sounds so pretty...

So, there was that.... the other few things worth mentioning are... I am doing a decoration project at home.... we are talking tile stripping, floor sanding, wall painting, the whole shebang, minus the sledge-hammer. Today, I went to the hardware store and found the most incredible putty knife. It's got a curve to help scrap the rollers and I am so absolutely excited about it!!!! It's really sharp too, so I will be done scrapping the remnants of glue off the floor in no time.

the final thing is just a note on "awkwardness". It came to me this morning and I feel I need to share it... So, many people think that awkwardness is weird, unpleasant, unacceptable if you will. After all it is awkward right, otherwise there would be a different term to describe it. But to me.... it is something that needs to be embraced more often.... why are things awkward in certain circumstances? If you say it, it helps to alleviate the pressure, but it's still there, in the air somewhere.... what really needs to be done is to take a deep breath and absorb all the awkwardness that situation has to offer and accept it's presence. And move on... Again, I feel it's something that is awesome and it makes so many people uncomfortable, but really that uncomfortableness is okay too.... we don't have to be comfortable all the time.... and just letting things be helps.... :)

Transpiration...

Hi dear friends,

How long has it been???

A while, huh?

Well, a lot has happened during the past few weeks of me not writing.

I don't really know what has prevented me from writing more. Perhaps, I didn't feel the need to write, because I was going through whatever it was I needed to go through to get to where I am right now.... which is exactly where I need to be. :)

First, I would like to start this crazy post by (only because I just finished brushing them) saying that I often get comments on my teeth.... "Natasza, you have amazing teeth, have you ever had braces?"

Thankfully, the answer is a strong and repugnant, "No, I have not had braces." Actually, I am one of the lucky ones that did have a gap between her teeth and it naturally closed. Now my teeth are just super straight.  No one has commented me on the whiteness of my teeth, not yet anyway.... but the trick and this one is seldom known and recently learned.... Neem oil and toothpaste. Be for warned because the Neem oil is potent and strong and is a taste that needs to be acquired (it is rather putrid), but it helps to work.... also banana skin.... the inside of a banana peel, rubbing that on your teeth helps to whiten them. Of course these things can be taken with a grain of salt as it may or may not work/ apply/ resonate with every/any one but.... these are just some thoughts that are coming to me and I feel like sharing them.... going with the flow with how I feel this post should go and that is splattered everywhere, like a blank canvas and a few dozen pails of paint.

Hmmmm, what else can I share.... On my birthday I received a gift from my friend K* she bought me something from Indigo and had a gift receipt slipped in with the purchase as well. It was A-mazing, because I had some time to leaf through the book originally bought and return it... basically I felt terrible about what I was reading and could no longer have that book in my possession, that is how strongly I felt about it. I used the gift receipt to buy some Tree Oracle cards..... oOOOOooooo Ahhhhhhhh. That fit is much better. I use them and they are so gracious.... trees in general, ALL trees are such gracious beings.... Love them all. They really hit home for me... so that is something I have been doing. Although, that is fifteen minutes of my day....maybe less?

There is this BIG thing with Ted* that has happened, my world... kind of BIG.

I feel like this is such a remedy post, in hopes of "fixing" or "erasing", or "rewriting" and reversing all the prior posts to this one that are INTENSELY written. But, you know what..... there is absolutely no point for that because it is what it is. I wrote and shared my experiences and could not be more happier with ALL of them than I am right now....... I am actually on some kind of high.... a high that is definitely good and positive and imbuing with light and love..... NO MATTER what happens. And that is an absolutely incredible feeling. I could jump up and down forever, except now I am yawning and need to go to bed soon. ANyways.... so I guess in a word.... reversing the damage I feel some posts prior to this one have created, is what this post was initially intended for, but, BUT... the meaning is soon changing.....

So, another thing I did was purchase a bunch more books of which I have yet to get into fully, but am totally psyched about them all. MOre on spirituality and ways to advance myself along my current gorgeous path. :)

OH there is this AMAZING news.... I am so, so, so, so EXCITED to be going on my trip to PEI. I am so excited about the connections I will make there. And quite frankly the most exciting part is that it just called me and I am going there..... I have never had a place just call me and me to go and be there for whatever it is that I need to be present for.... but my heart is smiling and goosebumps are trickling all over my body..... that's how you know it's a good decision. and SIGN. :)

I would share the events of what have taken place with Ted* but that story is still unfolding.....  I helped set it in motion, whatever is going to happen, will happen. But that is really all that needs to be said, written, conveyed, right now...

Oh my Goodness, I almost forgot.... I am in love, IN LOVE with the Tiger now..... so cute!!!! I was going through some old stuff, in my keep sake and my closet in hopes of eliminating things that no longer need to be in my life and came across a childhood stuffed plush "toy" tiger. I liked tigers than and therefore they have come back into my life as I seem to not stop thinking of them, or they are in the back of my head always... I changed my desktop and it's a sleeping beauty tiger, who looks so peaceful and soft....so cute. :)

This post has been a scatter plot... hasn't it? I would say I accomplished that! :)

Good night amazing people of the world!




*name altered

dEAR UNIVERSE

.... today was most wonderful. I was working on my room, the redecoration home project I am currently committed to. I was removing some of the tile that was left since the last time I practically finished ripping up the tile and I cut myself. the corner of one of the tile's tore into my right index finger.... tearing the skin back..... kinda reminded me of the keyloid scar I have on my right elbow, except a significantly smaller version of it. ..... I didn't mind.... I was thinking, "Oh, a permanent memory of my hard work and effort that went into accomplishing my room, how nice." It also made me recall someone at the yoga centre I used to attend regularly, tell me, "it's just a body.... only temporary." But the thing with that is, I would still like to have all my hands and fingers in tact regardless of the impermanence of my body.

Later today:
I was working at my new job, with K*, the coolest Goddess I have had the privilege of meeting and coming in connection with yet. Thank you Universe. :)

We got rained on, or rained in, to be more correct. She was going through some tough tribulations with men as of late and well, while discussing the events that transpired during the day, I let it slip that "I have Ted*" when we were discussing our vibrations and how others are completely drawn to us and the vibration we hold and carry.... I told her, "I have Ted* (... in my life was to be the end of that sentence)" and then she was like, "well, you don't have him, but I know what you mean". And she is right because I do not HAVE him, nor does he HAVE me. HAVE... that word and term connotes possession, and neither him, nor I can possess the other.... we ARE and that is it. We are connected.... undoubtedly; he is HIM and I, me. There is nothing else.... But dEAR Universe, you know that already right? ANd you also know what I meant when I said, 'I have Ted*'.  I of course do not desire nor have any inclination to "have" Ted*. So, cancel, cancel, cancel that. I just like him a lot and look forward to us getting to know each other better, spend some quality time with one another and learn and grow together from there. :) (on my way home) This fragment of my day actually reminded me of a quote I read and took a picture of from inside a bathroom stall at a quaint coffee house in Kensington.... about a month or so back....

"Love is not expectation of giving and receiving. Love is not giving everything you have to another. It is about accepting the free flowingness of generosity and healthy self-containment without fear, without overgrowth of neither exceedingly good or exceedingly bad exertion of energy. It is embracing your emotional core and seeing it as a gift to yourself. Something to understand and nurture. Another's love cannot control you, nor yours them"

That is it Universe. For someone who strongly values language and words, as they are so incredibly powerful, I need to be more careful with the words I use, especially when it comes to the special person TED*, who I adore and who I have found situated right in my heart. :)

On my bike ride back home, I got asked by my heart of hearts to go through Trinity Bellwoods, I did. And the Universe presented me with more treats. I was veering off of exiting the Park, when one of my animal totems, Cooper's Hawk, a baby was calling out.... I no sooner get to the base of the tree where the nest was and one of the parents come swooping in.... So beautiful!!!!! And after I left and proceeded up the street to College, I needed to turn due to police cars blocking off the street and what greets me???? A whisping, weeping Willow tree- the Goddess tree of LOVE. Yes please. such a gorgeous day, just gorgeous, INDEED!!!! Stunner!

breath it all in..... today's adventures were exquisite.

* name altered

woRds...

This week has been a real, planetarily shifted week. Information I just learned, but it's been weird and great all at the same time.

At the beginning of this week I was like, "okay, I can do this".... continue to work that is... But the other day I got a whim of my manager actually leaving the cafe location I do work at, sooner than I had anticipated. I actually was completely misguided, or had misunderstood what she meant when she said she was no longer going to be manager. My understanding was that she would be an employee like I and the rest of my level, coworkers. But to be honest, that would make no sense at all. So, I was like, "Okay, I need to shift my schedule of resigning around" ie. to make it sooner! The past couple of days really proliferated those feelings.... I have been in such disarray and irritated to the MAX- to the point where I can no longer contain those feelings. I need to release them!

Through no fault of my own, simply because I have HAD it..... I am DONE, DONE with serving coffee, DONE with dealing with a whole variety of people that are on different vibrational wave lengths, rightly their own paths, some who I love to see and will most definitely be difficult to say good bye to, (ALL my regulars), but most of who simply do not resonate with me. "Natasza, it's time! " I laugh quite a bit and try to make it something of light heartedness, to serve coffee for 6-8 hours, four days in a row, but sometimes it is SO difficult. Especially when some people are so UNAWARE and, for lack of a better word, and perhaps this may kick me in the ass later, since we all come from the same Source- Creator God and therefore are ONE. But some people are complete idiots. And it gets to me.... I feel like screaming and shaking them, "What are you doing.... WAKE UP!!!!!!!"  But, alas, such is not the reality, it is them who need to wake up their own selves and not by my timing.

I have a coworker, who I adore. She is sweet and works hard, her name is Isabelle*. Isabelle* is not from Canada, she has an accent and can sometimes not understand when people talk in English to her. I have said a few things to her and just ended up saying, "Nevermind" because I am SICK and TIRED of repeating myself.... I do it enough and if someone doesn't hear me the first time, TOO BAD. She ended up saying that I was "Rude" because of this. At first I was offended, perhaps even insulted, but than I was like... "Let go of the need to control"- my mantra for the rest of the Summer. A few close friends have told me this one. And it's good because I told myself there is no need to make a bIG deal of someone's opinion. I don't think it's rude. I mean I am only going to. Let it go, let it go, Let it go. Just let things BE. And so, woRds, but woRds that have all been very beneficial.

Deep breath....


* name altered

SOmetimes as much as I would like to think and believe I am one of the sweetest sisters.. I can be pretty conniving and harsh.... Tonight was a case in point when I took unnecessary jabs and points of contentions towards my brother.... I'm sorry.... sometimes I just don't think before opening my mouth especially considering the already critical environment in existence.... I am sorry to put you through unneeded pain. FOr what it is worth, I do love you very much.

Okay, so here is what happened....

agh, deep breathe.... it's this heat I swear I do things that make me more craZy than I already am.... Okay so all I did was google his name and that's it..... I'm not looking at any websites of his or reading anything but what I have already read..... I am going to have a shower, cool off and watch one last episode of true blood tonight. I am too full from dinner to go to bed right away.

Woah..... hold off, hold on, sit tight, buckle up.....

Okay so for some reason today I have the urge, the most absolutely clearly evident, and overwhelming URGE, desire, compulsion, need, want to look at Ted's* website. It would be my first time, but I am so tempted. I mean, ultimately no harm can come from looking, but at the same time I need to control myself and have self-discipline and will power and prevent myself from doing so.

It means something,  the longing I have to look at it and my need to refrain from doing just that.

It's driving me crazy, but I am going to watch an episode of true blood, calm my nerves down and have a shower and get ready to go out to dinner with my family for my delayed birthday plans....

So there EGO, who desires nothing but instant gratification, I am sending you into the dungeon right where you belong, I WILL over power YOU.

* name altered

Receptivity

Today I spoke with my sister.... Oh, how my heart feels so much lighter!!!! :)

the power of the astrological horoscope...

"We are all inextricably linked to one another by unconscious currents. Your connection to special person remains intact and stronger than ever. Physical separation may occur, but an emotional and spiritual link will always be there. Even your subtlest thoughts are being mutually transferred. So, don’t worry about being separated. The emotional and spiritual bond is unbreakable."

My horoscope for the day, courtesy of Phil Boothstars..... Hmmmm, three people came to mind while I read this, mainly two stuck out. and now that I think about it further, a fourth person. Emulative of my day that transpired. Hmmm, a person from my past who contacted me, telling me that he missed me and asked what my response would be. Really Jake* I am so over this cat and mouse game that we have been playing for the past 3 years. I have absolutely no desire to have a friendship with you any longer. I have to ignore this guy because he simply does not let go nor understand the concept of moving on and he no longer serves being in my life, my soul's Devine purpose, my higher calling, etc. The second person that came to mind, heart and soul is Ted*, the person from my present and future. :) So lovely, beautiful and heart-warming. It is smile inducing just thinking of him. mhmmmm (breathe that in), I will be seeing him tomorrow. Aw yes! :) The third person - my friend Joey*, absolutely gorgeous and a such a stunner. Her vibrations are so incredibly powerful and thus this horoscope reading of mine made me naturally think of her because of the strong connection(s) she has with many souls, mine included. bEAuty! The fourth person who came to mind is my friend Nikkie* who phoned me today to just talk. We have not spoken in over 4 months, but when we speak, we can converse for hours and it's totally fine in having that lapse of time because we know that we are both there for one another. She is such a kid sister, pretty awesome person, equally awesome soul. She needed some love and support, duly provided by our conversation.

All connected, always, all our relations... the UNIVERSE is a mysterious MARVEL. Love it!

* name altered