What the fuck... this really isn't supposed to be the summer of lost hopes..... I am supposed to be able to come and see you, not go because I can't afford it.... why can't I afford it?????? AGHHHHHHHHHH

You're gone, you're out of my life.... I don't see you running up to Loblaws getting your daily coffee or going down the street to head off to work..... And I miss it... I miss you. I've been thinking about you so much and all I want and all I wish for you, is for you to be happy. I cannot and will not dare ask anything else.

Sometimes I wonder why you act the way you do, why you are so happy on some days.... Not that I am complaining. It is good to see you smile and happy. I just wish I knew more about the reasons as to why

I just do not understand why things have to be me again....

According to my horoscope people are taking advantage of me and I don't even know it!!!

Another 3am productive session is calling me.

Everything's gotta give.... right? --- An explosion---

It was not my day yesterday. I woke up early,( I'm always waking up early these days, in the summer heat, you know? That's what happens when you have no air conditioning.) I didn't have an adequate breakfast. I didn't know who I was going to be working with, it was a new girl, or at least she was new to me because I had never worked with her before. Plus the night before was somewhat of a disaster, things going on at home..... causes me to feel I need to walk on coals.

So to cope. I planned on buying my favourite kind of banana bread on my way to work. There's this great little cafe on Broadview that I pass and their banana bread is phenomenal; moist, chocolatey, bananay; just the way banana bread should be! I left early for that reason, got to work a half hour early and proceeded to begin my openning tasks 15 minutes early. Of course, because I had never worked with the person with whom I was working with, before, I lost my ability to adjust, being and feeling unaccustomed to my tasks in general that day, I really don't know why that was the case, it just was and I didn't like it. I rarely have off days and when I do the whole world seems to bring me down, like a ball and chain.


I was at a lost for timing and therefore had no concept of time whatsoever.(I know these are all the don'ts and the negatives here and that I should really be pushing them aside to focus on the positives in my life, but it just wasn't the best of days. Actually it seems all my bad things have been building up and BLAMO, they end up manifesting themselves and coming out all in one day and all at the same time. All because I allow myself to acknowledge them all at once.)

I got to work early enough that I would have had enough time to do everything I needed to do before opening, yet I felt behind, so behind and I hate, actually, despise, that feeling. And I really have no idea how it was even possible to still have so many things to do when on any other day,  I would have been DONE them all at that time, or close enough to it.

To make matters worse I put in an effort to make conversation and felt like a fool because all my attempts got shut down because someone doesn't and didn't want to let me in and I don't know why I am inclined to try so hard...... Maybe it's the fact that I can't stand it when people don't like me.... Does anyone like having people not like them???? Or simply, my need to seek your approval and friendship is what makes me try so hard. And so it seemed like I was annoying you whenever I opened my mouth, you seemed rather irritated when I spoke or offered a question to be answered. I know that me picking up on something like that indicates that I am taking your behaviour personally, and perhaps I am completely wrong to do that because it's more then just me going on. You have your own shit to deal with too. I don't know any of it and perhaps it's even wrong of me to feel like I deserve to know...... After all you are not personal with me so what makes me think this time would be any different??? No body likes to feel like they don't count!


I was happy to think that I knew a bit more about you, looking forward to in fact, getting to know what I saw the other night on your blog.....But I get the sense that you  are a bit standoffish and to think I thought I was starting to warm up to you and you were starting to be a little bit more tolerant of my ways and me, of yours. Something I didn't even consider was that you wrote what you had about a year ago and people change all the time, so me wanting to learn about the person I read about is kind of inaccurate of me, since you're no doubt, a different person now, then when you wrote what you had.

I understand that you have a rather "don't mess with me" demeanour about you (I do too) that makes you not so, or at least from where I see things, easy to understand because you want to come off as all tough and shit but really you're so much like me, in that you're soft on the inside. It's okay, really I get that you've been hurt in the past before and are afraid of someone else not measuring up to the standards that you set for friends. I would, however, at least like to be considered as a friend or someone that you would otherwise want to take enough interest in to want to get to know. So that the environment at work would be more pleasent. Me asking you all these questions and then being pretty much left to pick up the peices of the conversation I started is no way to even interact with another person. It wasn't my day and today I sensed that you weren't all, up to par yourself. Next time, I'd prefer a little bit of respect from you. Thanks...... Listen to me implying you were not respecting me..... you were.

Also, because it wan't one of my better days. I didn't feel like being my usual flirtatious, bubbly self with you (a different you then mentioned above) because my mind felt at a loss for words, for actions, for thoughts really. It's like I was numb, frozen in a place that wasn't my happy place and I couldn't move, or speak, or anything. I wanted to so badly, because there is so much I would like to learn about you, SO MUCH. In fact I told myself that when I walked in to work, "today would be the day that things fall in to place for us".... I'd ask you for your number and we'd move forward. But unfortunately it wasn't that day. It didn't even come close and I don't know why..... Why should it be me asking for your number? It's as easy as telling you, "we never exchanged numbers... let's"


But nope, somehow it's a whole lot more complicated then that, feelings are involved remember? Plus, given my past involvements with guys and me feeling like it's, "me, me, me, me, me, me", I feel like be as stubborn as an ox, or a mule. Not budging at all, not even an inch. But with you, you make me melt and make me want to move, melting is moving isn't it?  I can't really speak though, or speak properly that is, I'm all about acting innocent and asking dumb questions when I'm around you.... It comes with the shyness and the I-don't-want-you-to-really-see-me-for-fear-you-won't-like-me thought governing my mind.


The shift we had last week together was phenomenal even the other person, which whom I was referring to as the other "you", earlier was great. She was making us interact in a way that I could have only seen was for the better, yet somehow, we still left things open and no where to be found. Everytime we work together we start over from the beginning and that is something that drives me crazy, because all I want to do is progress instead of stand still. I'm sick of standing still.


Not knowing how you feel, not letting you know how I feel. It's a bunch of bullshit, parading around like everything is just dandy and it's not.... I need to grab the bull by it's horn and take charge. Not being brave enough to tell you simply...... I like you.... let's get together sometime because I would really like to get to know everything there is to know about you.... I'm curious... You are a complete mystery to me and I love it and I need to know more..... But again it's me with these words instead of you, unless you have them too and aren't saying anything either. Being stubborn like me.

There's you and there's me, you feel it and I feel it... or at least I hope you do, I want you to.... it's not rocket science, we like each other, we should do something about it, we need to before it is too late, and we fall within the zone of least resistence, the friend zone. I cannot deal with that... AGAIN!!!!!

Eminem is my savor.... Here's a song I dedicate to you.=)

I never told you but you getting that cake from you,  on my birthday meant the world to me...... I love you, for eternity!!!!

Writing this brings tears to my eyes..... also listening to this song.

Dear Music,

Please take me back to a time and a place that I'd rather be.

Love,

I wish all I could do was point to my brain and insert specific knowledge in it..... instead of having to read to do that.  UH studying in the middle of the summertime SUCKS!

Why are socks so expensive???

I can't believe I lied today for an irresponsible person. Why would I cover the ass of a person who clearly does not know how to treat it's dog???? Poor thing was left in the heat with NO WATER, panting to death......

Everything always evens out!!!

screw every white BMW
screw every white Acura
screw every white Honda
screw every white Toyota
screw every white Chevrolet
screw every white volkswagon
EVERY white car reminds me of you, not just Nissan!

Is in  need of a vacation!!!

Just because I am BORED, does not mean I have no goals set in place. I do not believe you, mother. But I still love you!

sometimes your piece of shit comments, piss me the fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our conversation was a breakthrough. I know we are only friends now but it still feels like since that conversation the barrier is broken between us and I can tell you absolutely anything and that feels pretty great!