I walked in to say, "hi". You were not on the floor. My words, although rehearsed in my head, probably would have come out slurred anyway because my heart was beating a mile a minute.

Two more things before I read my second article for my psych paper due in a few weeks....

1.) Spending time with you (a different you from the previous post) makes me think, so much. It's wonderful, but it also makes me question things.... sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. Mostly with you, it's the former, but anyway Last night I was drunk.... I hate that I couldn't even tell..... sometimes because of my level of coherence while I am intoxicated, I don't think that I am... but I was last night, I just didn't feel it as much as I would normally..... usually there is a sense of alteration within my movement and my brain..... Anyways sometimes I'm lost and left wondering was I? wasn't I?

2.) WTF. Thanks for the schedule..... I know I shouldn't get in a hissy fit because there could very well be a different schedule out in a short while or by next week, but I only get one shift...... Thank you...... You will totally realize how much of a value I have for the company.... I need to get out and if it's getting to this point.... you're going to drive me out sooner than later.

WOW! Last night....

So much to say, so much to think about.....
I like you as  a person, I think you are a wonderful human being, a wonderful man. You've experienced so much, as an older person I wouldn't expect anything less. However, with that being said, I am so not used to people knowing myself more than I do. Or more than I know myself and am willing to admit consciously.

I like to consider myself pretty self aware, so when someone tells me something I haven't thought a lot about, or something I don't like to acknowledge as a part of my character, like you did last night... In articulating so clearly that I am a tease (essentially), it throws me into contemplation and questioning my very person. Something I don't particularly like to do, and I don't think anyone does, really? I was completely taken aback by that comment because I know that I am not a tease, I like to flirt, yes and I am a naturally friendly person. So when I feel comfortable with someone I am obviously going to show that sense of comfort with my body language and through my communication to you and the content of our conversations.... It doesn't mean that I like you or that I don't know whether I do and I'm thinking about it.... It simply means, I'm comfortable, so I can be this way with you.

Also, saying that I need to have sex and get it out of my system, with a stranger (Throw away the notion of love and comfort associated with having sex for the first time, with someone that induces such feelings), to experience it and move forward with my sexuality and my sense of sexual self (which I  have come to realize I am, very much, a sexual person too, I just haven't found that person yet, to be passionate, intimate, and sexually intoxicating with.) I didn't like what you said because what's connected to the value of sex I hold so greatly is my morals which I also hold in equal accord. SO NO, I am not going to have sex with a stranger, wake up in the morning and walk out.... I would actually like to have sex with someone I care about, at the very least. Or lay next to the person for a while afterward, if not for a few moments. Yes, sex is an act first and foremost. Yet, it is also an act that expresses SO MUCH of a person, the realms of the mind and the body collide into something beautiful.

It is on my to do list, at the very top of my things to-do, aside from school and work and LIFE. So don't worry it will happen and  SOON. I have enough patience.

I know it's not something you're thinking about so, so, so much. And you obviously, like what you conveyed to me about myself, have very strong opinions about certain things, and absolutely SEX is one of them.... SO it is exuberantly evident that you are going to have strong opinions about that.  But just because you think something, doesn't mean it has to happen and it's actually not even necessary to enforce your views on me (which is something I was very encumbered by last night). I know I have the control to allow your perspective to influence me or not, so ultimately it's my decision as to what I do. After all it's my life and I'm living it, not you.  But I didn't like how assertive you were in expressing yourself and how RIGHT you think you are, because let me give you a reality check, you are not! Not when it comes to this belleza. Get off your high horse of arrogance and self righteousness and get back down to where us lay folk are walking.

Plus the fact that you have a girlfriend also means that your mind is not going to be on me (AN EXCELLENT THING).

In a sense I feel violated when you feel compelled to share your thoughts on me and on my life. As much as I value your brain mentality..... Partly because you are right on target, SOME OF THE TIME (Yes, I'll give you that much credit!) But you say that I am scared. I play the game so well, yet I'm terrified...... Would you expect anything less from someone of my age and lack of experience (As much as I don't want to admit it)??? Plus having had the type of life I have, parent's divorced, unhappily married, unhappily unmarried, I would only have to be terrified.... terrified of someone getting too close, making myself vulnerable to someone who could potentially hurt me.... Yes, that's cynical and pessimistic, because maybe they wouldn't hurt me and I would never really know unless I take the chance... But I have to protect myself..... My heart is a well guarded place, and I'll keep it that may until the right time....I don't know why I feel the need to justify myself.... I will take that leap when the time is right and at that moment I won't be afraid to fall because the person I'll be with either won't let me go, or will be there to catch me.... preferably the latter, as cliche as it sounds....

I know I almost shouldn't say this, but all you would need to do is tell me,  "I'm ready" and I'd come running..... Also, you should know that you're always going to mean something to me, and you're always going to hold a special place in my heart.... :) That's why things aren't so simple..... and I'm so vulnerable to it, to you...

If I died tonight would I regret anything? Would you?

Things will turn around for me soon???? WHat? I know I'm a positivists, or try to be, but honestly you have been saying that for the past week and a half and my question is just when???

Back to the beginning, five times over!!!

How am I supposed to have known what was going on tonight, that you had intended for us to come over if there were no words exchanged between the two of us?  There is such a fuckin' lack of communication in this world..... CALLING me would be more ideal, but then again, who's to say I would have picked up right????

And things are not going well at all in my life..... I don't want to go to school for things that I have no interest in pursing a career in, I'm working a minimum wage job (who wants to be doing that???? Really? Even just for the time being?), I'm already in debt, my family is not at all where I feel they should be, our dynamic is so distorted and I wanna know where our train fell off the tracks, even though I already know a little bit about where we derailed, my house is literally falling apart (that's what happens when you live somewhere all your life and there are no renovations done), NOT TO MENTION my love life is non-existent.... no one that I want to be with wants to be with me, and that makes me feel sad and makes tears start to develop in my eyes because I am terrified, terrified at being lonely. I have a connection with someone and BAM, it's gone in an instant because they were too cowardly to face the music, tell me I need to start to open up more so they can get close to me or connect with me more, tell me, "yeah, Natasza we really should go for drinks" or "You, know what I am actually really worried about the people at work being too involved", tell me, "I'm dealing with a lot right now, I like you but I'm not ready to be involved with anyone just yet, I have far too much of my own shit to handle, I'm sorry."  It's one thing after the other, after the other, after the other, and I know "they" (who are "they" anyway?) say things fall into place in all the right time, but where is the timing on my part, I feel I'm at a loss.... a loss, for explaining myself, for trying to understand what is going on in my life, for trying to live a life of happiness and of least resistance, because it's so hard for me to ignore all the things that effect me, negatively and positively, but in a profound way... Life sucks sometimes!!!

My life (when it comes to the male sex) is a shit storm!    

Haven't written anything in so long. So much has happened. Good and Bad. I love it!!!

I've been excellent, smiling everyday. It's beautiful! It's contagious!!!

So this is my break from my intense study session that doesn't seem to be slowing down or stopping anytime soon. I still have all day tomorrow and then I am finally done my exam sometime before 8pm tomorrow evening. It feels like it's taking for-ever!

I am exhausted. Not only because of studying but everything going on in my life is pretty fuckin' tiring. I'm working a hell of a lot. I love it, so  I'm not complaining about that, but other things like family issues, school issues and my family canary passing away on Sunday..... which I still have no idea how I feel about. I'm coping, it's been a few days I kinda have to. But I've never had a loss in my life before, thankfully, so having one come when everything else seems to be happening is a little overwhelming.

I loved my baby Tweedums and now he is no longer here. It's sad! And I know with the type of loving sweet bird he was he will go to bird heaven, or just heaven...Considering there may not be a separate one for each species....


Small update.
Back to work.

Can I please catch up soon!?!

What is even the point of it? Of us????

I don't get it.... I like you, I think you like me too, but nothing..... WHY??? This is killing me. I don't want to live up to that Stereotype of Canadians being sayers not doers. I want to do something with you..... Why is that so hard to do???? I guess it isn't, but it seems like that because I feel completely lost right now..... I'm questioning everything and I don't like that I'm starting to question even us being together..... why is it me that has to establish it, establish anything...... Is it a lost cause?

I think I should stop believing in things that make absolutely no sense!!!!

Good to know that I have absolutely no one that messages me...... I hate the feeling that I am not important enough!!!!!!

It's annoying how you think you know me so well and think that you can read me so well too. Why is it that every time I have something on my mind you want to know exactly what that is and when it comes to me, finding out about things going on in your head, you won't let me in? That is fucked!!! I'm not going to apologize for saying that, because it is what it is. You think you know it all yourself. I don't say that because that's what you said about me today, but because it's the truth. Honestly you think that whenever I make the slightest scrunch of the nose, eyebrow raise, or  even the slightest lip pucker that you need to know the reason. YOU DON"T!

I understand that we're friends, funnily enough I thought friends were supposed to treat each other equally and have this mutual understanding of reciprocity. That's not exactly there with us...... You get away with a lot with me, and I, the same with you. But you saying that I am putting on an act, not being myself. BULLSHIT!!!! I know I should not let this affect me the way it is.... maybe it's because your influence in my life is fairly grand. I value what you think. Hell, I value what anything thinks, especially when it comes to thoughts about me (how self centered is that???). After all we both really believe in Horoscopes. Yet,  you making me feel like a fake and unreal person is not really worth it at all, not worth caring at all.

It just doesn't make sense to me, to sit there while you tell me what I don't want to hear, or say the wrong things.... I know people aren't always going to say the right things or the things you want to hear but it's too exhausting trying to fight. I should just let all my defenses down, let everyone else win, not say a single word, stay quiet, stay still, not move, not even breath, agree, agree, agree, not think, be motionless, be thoughtless, be silent..... Everything that I'm not!!!!

What the fuck... this really isn't supposed to be the summer of lost hopes..... I am supposed to be able to come and see you, not go because I can't afford it.... why can't I afford it?????? AGHHHHHHHHHH

You're gone, you're out of my life.... I don't see you running up to Loblaws getting your daily coffee or going down the street to head off to work..... And I miss it... I miss you. I've been thinking about you so much and all I want and all I wish for you, is for you to be happy. I cannot and will not dare ask anything else.

Sometimes I wonder why you act the way you do, why you are so happy on some days.... Not that I am complaining. It is good to see you smile and happy. I just wish I knew more about the reasons as to why

I just do not understand why things have to be me again....

According to my horoscope people are taking advantage of me and I don't even know it!!!

Another 3am productive session is calling me.

Everything's gotta give.... right? --- An explosion---

It was not my day yesterday. I woke up early,( I'm always waking up early these days, in the summer heat, you know? That's what happens when you have no air conditioning.) I didn't have an adequate breakfast. I didn't know who I was going to be working with, it was a new girl, or at least she was new to me because I had never worked with her before. Plus the night before was somewhat of a disaster, things going on at home..... causes me to feel I need to walk on coals.

So to cope. I planned on buying my favourite kind of banana bread on my way to work. There's this great little cafe on Broadview that I pass and their banana bread is phenomenal; moist, chocolatey, bananay; just the way banana bread should be! I left early for that reason, got to work a half hour early and proceeded to begin my openning tasks 15 minutes early. Of course, because I had never worked with the person with whom I was working with, before, I lost my ability to adjust, being and feeling unaccustomed to my tasks in general that day, I really don't know why that was the case, it just was and I didn't like it. I rarely have off days and when I do the whole world seems to bring me down, like a ball and chain.


I was at a lost for timing and therefore had no concept of time whatsoever.(I know these are all the don'ts and the negatives here and that I should really be pushing them aside to focus on the positives in my life, but it just wasn't the best of days. Actually it seems all my bad things have been building up and BLAMO, they end up manifesting themselves and coming out all in one day and all at the same time. All because I allow myself to acknowledge them all at once.)

I got to work early enough that I would have had enough time to do everything I needed to do before opening, yet I felt behind, so behind and I hate, actually, despise, that feeling. And I really have no idea how it was even possible to still have so many things to do when on any other day,  I would have been DONE them all at that time, or close enough to it.

To make matters worse I put in an effort to make conversation and felt like a fool because all my attempts got shut down because someone doesn't and didn't want to let me in and I don't know why I am inclined to try so hard...... Maybe it's the fact that I can't stand it when people don't like me.... Does anyone like having people not like them???? Or simply, my need to seek your approval and friendship is what makes me try so hard. And so it seemed like I was annoying you whenever I opened my mouth, you seemed rather irritated when I spoke or offered a question to be answered. I know that me picking up on something like that indicates that I am taking your behaviour personally, and perhaps I am completely wrong to do that because it's more then just me going on. You have your own shit to deal with too. I don't know any of it and perhaps it's even wrong of me to feel like I deserve to know...... After all you are not personal with me so what makes me think this time would be any different??? No body likes to feel like they don't count!


I was happy to think that I knew a bit more about you, looking forward to in fact, getting to know what I saw the other night on your blog.....But I get the sense that you  are a bit standoffish and to think I thought I was starting to warm up to you and you were starting to be a little bit more tolerant of my ways and me, of yours. Something I didn't even consider was that you wrote what you had about a year ago and people change all the time, so me wanting to learn about the person I read about is kind of inaccurate of me, since you're no doubt, a different person now, then when you wrote what you had.

I understand that you have a rather "don't mess with me" demeanour about you (I do too) that makes you not so, or at least from where I see things, easy to understand because you want to come off as all tough and shit but really you're so much like me, in that you're soft on the inside. It's okay, really I get that you've been hurt in the past before and are afraid of someone else not measuring up to the standards that you set for friends. I would, however, at least like to be considered as a friend or someone that you would otherwise want to take enough interest in to want to get to know. So that the environment at work would be more pleasent. Me asking you all these questions and then being pretty much left to pick up the peices of the conversation I started is no way to even interact with another person. It wasn't my day and today I sensed that you weren't all, up to par yourself. Next time, I'd prefer a little bit of respect from you. Thanks...... Listen to me implying you were not respecting me..... you were.

Also, because it wan't one of my better days. I didn't feel like being my usual flirtatious, bubbly self with you (a different you then mentioned above) because my mind felt at a loss for words, for actions, for thoughts really. It's like I was numb, frozen in a place that wasn't my happy place and I couldn't move, or speak, or anything. I wanted to so badly, because there is so much I would like to learn about you, SO MUCH. In fact I told myself that when I walked in to work, "today would be the day that things fall in to place for us".... I'd ask you for your number and we'd move forward. But unfortunately it wasn't that day. It didn't even come close and I don't know why..... Why should it be me asking for your number? It's as easy as telling you, "we never exchanged numbers... let's"


But nope, somehow it's a whole lot more complicated then that, feelings are involved remember? Plus, given my past involvements with guys and me feeling like it's, "me, me, me, me, me, me", I feel like be as stubborn as an ox, or a mule. Not budging at all, not even an inch. But with you, you make me melt and make me want to move, melting is moving isn't it?  I can't really speak though, or speak properly that is, I'm all about acting innocent and asking dumb questions when I'm around you.... It comes with the shyness and the I-don't-want-you-to-really-see-me-for-fear-you-won't-like-me thought governing my mind.


The shift we had last week together was phenomenal even the other person, which whom I was referring to as the other "you", earlier was great. She was making us interact in a way that I could have only seen was for the better, yet somehow, we still left things open and no where to be found. Everytime we work together we start over from the beginning and that is something that drives me crazy, because all I want to do is progress instead of stand still. I'm sick of standing still.


Not knowing how you feel, not letting you know how I feel. It's a bunch of bullshit, parading around like everything is just dandy and it's not.... I need to grab the bull by it's horn and take charge. Not being brave enough to tell you simply...... I like you.... let's get together sometime because I would really like to get to know everything there is to know about you.... I'm curious... You are a complete mystery to me and I love it and I need to know more..... But again it's me with these words instead of you, unless you have them too and aren't saying anything either. Being stubborn like me.

There's you and there's me, you feel it and I feel it... or at least I hope you do, I want you to.... it's not rocket science, we like each other, we should do something about it, we need to before it is too late, and we fall within the zone of least resistence, the friend zone. I cannot deal with that... AGAIN!!!!!

Eminem is my savor.... Here's a song I dedicate to you.=)

I never told you but you getting that cake from you,  on my birthday meant the world to me...... I love you, for eternity!!!!

Writing this brings tears to my eyes..... also listening to this song.

Dear Music,

Please take me back to a time and a place that I'd rather be.

Love,

I wish all I could do was point to my brain and insert specific knowledge in it..... instead of having to read to do that.  UH studying in the middle of the summertime SUCKS!

Why are socks so expensive???

I can't believe I lied today for an irresponsible person. Why would I cover the ass of a person who clearly does not know how to treat it's dog???? Poor thing was left in the heat with NO WATER, panting to death......

Everything always evens out!!!

screw every white BMW
screw every white Acura
screw every white Honda
screw every white Toyota
screw every white Chevrolet
screw every white volkswagon
EVERY white car reminds me of you, not just Nissan!

Is in  need of a vacation!!!

Just because I am BORED, does not mean I have no goals set in place. I do not believe you, mother. But I still love you!

sometimes your piece of shit comments, piss me the fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our conversation was a breakthrough. I know we are only friends now but it still feels like since that conversation the barrier is broken between us and I can tell you absolutely anything and that feels pretty great!

It's comforting to know that as close as we are you still don't understand me.... Maybe what we discussed once before about me knowing you more, then you knowing me more, is true. Apparently I know you better than you know yourself. And the same cannot be said about you for me. How annoying! See, this is exactly why I am the way I am, reserved, being strong on the outside, soft on the inside. It's  frustrating that you don't know that already!

Twice in one fuckin' week. That's a new record for tears falling from my eyes... I hope you appreciate the gift of having a younger sister in your life, she's a treasure, truly.

Horoscope communication, fuckin eh!  Gotta Love the stars!

I wasn't meant to go to school... My concentration is no where to be found!!!

stubborness is a way of masking fear???? That's an interesting concept!

These are my happy colours!!!  =)

Thank you for showing me what I could have!

I ate chicken for the first time in a while, yesterday..... the wings at work were irresistable!!!!

Some people aren't worth your time.

So the other day I got together with a friend, or what I thought was a friend. She was from school, back when I attended a university outside of the city I live in now, my home city.

Things were fine.... I have a tendency to be reluctant to tell people things especially when I have not seen them in so long because I have no idea how our gathering is going to proceed. Whether or not we are going to be the same as the last time we saw each other or how much we would have changed since the last time we spoke and saw one another. Clearly, time changes everything and my so called friend was not at all afraid to catch me up on all her accomplishments and relish in the fact that I admired her for them, gave her praise for them actually. And all she could do was agree with me. Smug superiority is what it's called and her complacency made me feel like shit!

While being ambitious, proud and confident are wonderful qualities to have. They can also be completely polluting and toxic.

When people are too ambitious, they often believe that everything they do is right, that everything they say is right and absolutely nothing will stand in their way and prevent them from getting what they want. As I recently read, ambition is another name for greed. And I think that your aspirations are achievable, of course, anything is achievable if you set your mind to it and are able to have a goal in mind, but what you plan on achieving may be a little too ambitious.... but then again perhaps I am underestimating  the line of work you are going into. And I wouldn't put it past you earning all the  money you want. To be frank, your ambitions aren't what bother me. It's actually your gloating and the high self regard you have.

Obviously people who read this will probably think , because I envy someone else's confidence it's only because I lack it. The truth is, while I am not the most confident person in the world, I am also not the person with the lowest self esteem either. I fall somewhere in the middle, I would say so anyway. And I am proud of that. There is always probably more self confidence I can have, but I'm not necessarily in a rush to become self-absorbed, conceded or cocky!!!!

The reason I feel like shit is because when you told me about all your endeavors that you are so ardently looking forward to accomplishing, it got me into thinking where I am in my life. I haven't done a whole lot at all for someone my own age and I can't help but feel I am missing out on so much. That's why when I describe my life I say that it is unlived. Yes, I believe you make things happen for yourself, and things take time but sometimes it's not as easy as people make it sound!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All of your plans hit me like a tidal wave because they are pretty much all of what, I myself, wish to do at some point. And yeah I'm jealous, and jealousy is poison - but at least I recognize my poison (Sometimes I feel this way, it's not an every day occurrence). And others are not so upfront about it (even though I am using my blog to channel these words)!

What struck me most, was how much you expected to get from me and how I received nothing from you  in return. Sometimes it's nice to get a compliment back, once you give one, instead of being completely selfish and retaining your adoration all for yourself (This isn't to say I was fishing for compliments, it's actually called human decency and etiquette - at least in my books).  "Me, me , me, me, me" and  "yeah, I know I'm great and I'm just going to parade it all over the place" are among the few mentalities you probably had running through your head the other day. And that's fucked up!!!!!

When you already know that everything you are doing and your life is working out beautifully for yourself, why do you need more reassurance and APPROVAL???? That makes no sense!  Unless you're one of those people that just take, take take. Honestly I never pegged you as one of those types, at least not until the other day. Furthermore, why do you need to rub it in, intentionally or not that's exactly what you were doing and I did not appreciate it!!!! You also managed to not only make me feel  like shit, but to make me feel like an idiot when you had to repeat your self with this condescending tone, suggesting  I should've known the information you were repeating to me ...... SENSE the hate yet????

Obviously this is not only about you, it's about me too and how I obviously feel this way for a reason. If you make me feel a certain way, if anyone makes me feel a certain way, it's a choice for me to feel that way (partly anyway considering some people can't control their emotions/ feelings). But people who make you feel this way - like shit,  are simply not worth your time....

What did make me feel good was, when you had the compulsion to share your sexual proclivities with me, which is something that some people prefer not to hear about and is actually best to keep quiet. It showed me how little respect you have for yourself to sleep around like you do. Yeah, you probably just want the action, but that made me lose the respect I used to have for you and actually made me feel good about myself because I have morals and that will never change. That's not to say you don't have morals too. So it's wrong of me to imply you don't, but they are clearly different then my own - I'm sure you value many things. Many different and many the same from myself. But it's kind of a shock to hear that you've devalued yourself, or put yourself in that kind of category. Maybe in your eyes you haven't devalued yourself and put yourself in any category and that's actually how you bring value to your life- sleeping with countless guys, fucking them, gaining the confidence you feel you need more of. But in my eyes I see it differently. You need to have sex to feel good about yourself, fuel and boost your ego, that's fucked. But then again you probably don't care what others think....

This one should have been put up a while ago!

I read this entry in my journal this morning and realized how important it is and how important it is that I share it with you, even though you may never see or read this blog in your life. These are things I just need to say. I don't feel them anymore, at least not this instant but they are just as meaningful as they would be....

I hope you know when I tell people about our relationship I tell them it's not a healthy one but rather a fairly dysfunctional one, considering we are related by BLOOD!

I tell them it's nowhere near where it's supposed to be, nowhere near how I want it to be, nowhere near where I feel it should be. Brave New World reminds me of our "give and take" 'ship (It's a song by hedley), minus the beating......

In all honesty this has been me trying for far too long and I'm sick of it!

You're too proud to admit that it's you or that anything could be your fault. The way you are now, how you've grown, the person you've become has made it hard, excruciatingly difficult to try any further. Our relationship has never been directly discussed between the two of us.

It's the both of us, I know. But for something that is supposed to be natural, it seems like the most unnatural thing in the world. To be in the same motionless spot that we've been in for the past 21 years. Admit it, it started when I was brought into the picture..... You've hurt me in so many ways and in more ways I've lost count.

And I cannot continue to do this to myself. To put myself in this position. I value myself too much (I know that may sound conceded or a bit too proud)

And if you were ever wondering, that's why I needed him in my life, for the short period he was in my life. At least he cared and more importantly showed it (Maybe because of our life together, you, me, we both, just have a very distorted way of showing that we care - is that even possible???) So him showing those feels felt real nice because it was so out of the ordinary.

Sometimes I wish you would open your eyes and see that you are becoming HIM- someone who I know you never wanted to become and someone I cannot afford to have in my life a second time around!

C'est fini.

I want to say that I have so many thoughts flowing through my head right now. But I cannot put them into words.

It's like a fuckin' switch, rather I'm like a switch.

never say no to chocolate.... I'm that addicted!

Oh Mr. Boothstars how I love thee!

As degrading as it is as a job I wonder with the way the economy is and every employer out there pretty much, treating their employees like SHIT, maybe it would be better if I just sign up to be some kind of go-go dancer. I'm sure there are a lot of men out there that would love to see me objectify my body..... but then again I don't know if I would be able to live with myself if I did.... I have way too much respect for myself to even consider walking through the doors of Zanzi Bar or any other strip joint.  Plus my morals and values are a part of who I am and I wouldn't want to change that.

But for someone who says that not in a million years would I ever be caught dead in a place like that I gotta admit that I'll definitely go in ONE day..... It is something that MUST be done in a lifetime, even if for a few minutes!

I have a distinct feelings things are a little strange between us..... maybe it's just my imagination.... I hope so.

Sometimes everybody needs an escape!

Sometimes you make me so angry. But I'll always end up forgiving you because I love you and I know you don't mean the hurtful things you say.

Jealousy is often associated with qualities in another that you yourself are lacking or want to have, or because you are threatened by someone elses' accomplishments when you compare them to your own. But is jealousy inextricably always linked to relationships and the potential prospect of someone coming between your partner and yourself ???  And, because you are jealous of someone else does that mean that you are afraid of them having what you don't or taking away from what you do have???? Why is it that females seem to be the targets of such feelings more so then males??? Is it more common for females then males and is that why the spotlight is on women as opposed to men?


Since jealousy is such a powerful emotion (if you let it) it can also make it that much easier to find faults in those we are jealous of. In order to make ourselves feel better..... why is that? We have to criticize others to make ourselves feel more self secure?

Oh, the perils of human nature or is it just my nature?!?

Ma vie est tellement épuisant parfois!

=)

Why can't good things, just be!

you can't do much without money!

Would have been amazing had you not listed her as your cousin. Looks like we can't win, the fight, battle, whatever, is not even worth it in the first place (too much energy), but you're just the impartial party and we should respect that. We just have our boundaries as does everyone.

one for the books!

Words cannot describe my utter disdain in being a part of something that is great, supposed to be. Correction, something that I thought would be great and has by no means lived up to my expectations. I know people teach you to walk into something with little or no expectations, the way the quote goes is,  "hope for the best, expect the worst" (that way you won't be disappointed when something falls short of what you perceived it to be), but what this has turned out to be is  far too beyond what my thoughts could have ever conceived.

The name has absolutely no meaning to what it conveys or feelings it conjures up when you hear the words, Cafe B.  It means to belong, to feel welcome and although it may fit in to where it is located within the city of Toronto. It doesn't live up to it's name, at least, so far. And if this is what it is like NOW, I wonder, or I'd hate to actually think, what it will be like later. Favouritism and Neglecting to acknowledge those of us who do want to do a good job.

Fuck that, fuck this, fuck off!

Even though there are a number of other things plaguing my mind. This one stands out from the rest. Maybe you just don't know what to say or how to react.... For the life of me I'll probably never fully understand but perhaps that's a good thing, because some things aren't meant to be understood, at least not completely. So I must thank you for making me a stronger person.

Everything is subjective!

Sometimes I can't help but feel inadequate!

2 hits and you hadn't even been awake for more then 10 minutes.

I think you've temporarily lost your ability to think before you talk.... you need that back..... Perhaps I am being too sensitive by being affected by the comments you made... who knows?

There is only so much consideration I can have for you.... What do you think I am accommodative Anna?

Well I'm not.

I have another confession.... I lied when I said we didn't have to talk, only if you wanted to.... because what I really wanted to talk to you about was why I was upset last week.... Remember,  when you wanted to talk and I wanted to too, but not on the phone? LAst night, I just figured that it didn't matter anyway because my feelings changed since then, I'm not upset so much anymore and if I am it's probably a different reason, but I still would like to let you know.

My thoughts are racing because there is absolutely so much more to say about this...... And I couldn't stop thinking about it all this morning and probably won't even well into the week. I must have written at least 10 pages in my journal this morning..... and writing in my journal just isn't going to cut it this time, hahaha.  I don't want to overwhelm you with my thoughts but so be it.


So I'm writing this for myself. To help process information I probably need help processing anyway (I can hear your voice going off in my head... Bullshit, it's saying, hahaha). I'm not writing this because it was discussed that I am not updating my blog. I've just felt most things that have happened in my life the past few weeks don't really need recording or attention, especially on something as BIG and PUBLIC as a blog. But here is what is going on in my head now that I am thinking, thinking, thinking and can't stop thinking.  (Maybe I can't even convince you that I am writing this for myself, because if I say that my thoughts should be private, then they should be and I shouldn't be writing this at all, but if I want to let you in and I don't write this then I feel I'm somehow contradicting myself). 


Being guarded/ protected/ closed off/ censoring things or anything else you would like to call it, is something that comes pretty naturally to me, I'm not going to lie. Maybe I am not as open as I should be, or as people want me to be (I once was told that I wasn't easy to read and I liked that.) But being guarded keeps me grounded in any case and I need to know that before I open up to anybody, that I can trust them (I'm not saying that I can't trust you, quite the contrary actually. Trust is something that comes with time and you've earned it without a doubt I am sure. Despite that we haven't hung out as much as I would have liked, other factors included here but that's besides the point. Telling you things about myself is something that has to be done on my own time (I know that you don't have all the time in the world to wait around for that, so thanks for being patient for the time being). I want to tell you so much, believe you me,  but there are only so many vulnerabilities and exposures that I can have. And having so much information at your disposal could very well be detrimental to me. I've had experiences in my past where information has gotten used against me and I've gotten slapped in the face with it. It's gotten ugly- again not saying that you are like that and would do that kind of thing, but it's something that I would like to avoid from happening (Anything is possible and so I must consider everything a possibility)  and with that I must be vigilant, careful and cautious). It's nothing personal, it's just me. I have to work on it and I would like you to help me. Last night's conversation was a step in the right direction, I think.

Yes, being too reserved can prevent you from getting close to someone and make you lose interest in them because you get bored with trying, bottom line however,

"If she's amazing, she wont be easy. If she's easy, she wont be amazing. If shes worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy.” (I've been coming across quotes that remind me of things in my life that I think are so befitting. It's outstanding!). So yes, too much mystery is a bad thing because you want to maintain interest and  you want to be close to the person you like  but what if... (and I know this is cynical of me) But what if what one thought would make one close to one person, actually sent them running in the other direction??? Since what that person says could very well have the potential to be terrifying, too terrifying to get close to them even..... So I don't let you in not only because of vulnerability and shedding my mystery, but because I am scared that my problems and everything that I want to share with you will make you run, make you wanna run away (So far I think I'm doing pretty good if this blog hasn't freaked you out already....). That's something that I don't want to happen. But it's a common enough fear and taking the chance is the only way we're going to find out if it's worth it or not. 

I care about what you think and what you think of me. I care about you, period. After all I like you and if I were to disclose too much information at the start who's to say you wouldn't judge (I'd like that to be held back for as long as possible, hahaha).... inevitably though everybody judges. It's human nature. So as much as I want to, I can't exactly stop that from happening.

I know that if I continue along this path, this path of shutting myself down and out and not giving into people's curiosity and interest in getting to know me. It can be damaging for myself because then I'm not giving you my all and I am losing out on something good, something SO GOOD, like you said! In order to make that adjustment it takes time though. And it's a chance I need to allow myself to take.

And I know the past is the past and I certainly don't want to go there to live, but what happened in your past before? You wanted to get close to someone and they wouldn't let you in? I'm curious to know who it was.

And I recognize that there have been several occasions where I told you I would let you know things another time and still haven't followed through with that. Mostly because I want to tell you them in person, which is why I've been saving those conversations for later, so don't think I forgot. I haven't. And I won't. 

It's funny because had I known telling you things like what I want to would make you closer to me, I would have done it in a heartbeat (anything less than a heartbeat?). But it's also that whole ideal where I don't or rather didn't want to reveal too much too soon, and leave nothing up to the imagination or invest so much of myself and not know where things would end up. It would have been a huge risk and I'm all for jumping off cliffs (safety harness attached), bungee jumping, sky diving, etc. But when it comes to my heart, things need to be handled delicately. 


Another reason I haven't updated my blog is because conversations like the one we had last night and even what I am saying now are things better said in person or at the very least on the phone. Because that way you get to learn more about the person you are talking to, their reaction, their body language (facial expression and stance), the tone in their voice, their overall demeanor, etc, etc.  It is so much fun THAT way.


Getting to know someone is something that is done on a gradual basis and it requires two people. 
Maybe we should make a list..... everything you know about me and everything I know about you..... See which one is more.

So now I have to be careful with what I say to you because you are far too sensitive when you are in THIS state. Fuck....

5:30 AM, my new wake up time. Oh the joys of the start of spring.

How do you accept the decisions made in your past, if people from your past are still in your life..... They're not causing pain intentionally, but the reminder of the way things were is still overbearingly present and overwhelming. Is it possible to remove them completely, from your life, your thoughts?? Why would you want to?

The past is attestament to who we are today and is by no means a bad thing. So why do I feel I am going nowhere, not moving forward or anything, with friends, with school, with life. It feels like I am in the same retrograde motion that is counter productive.

It just feels like I am at square one again, beginning from the start of something that never began in the first place...

I know I shouldn't take things personally, but I often think about some of the sly remarks you make, that don't intend on being hurtful but somehow wind up being anyway, makes me wonder how much you actually learned about me, the time we spent together. cmmm, cmmm, nearly nothing

When I look back and think about where we could be.... how far we could be right now, it literally eats me up inside. That is why the past is the poison to the brain and the heart!

I think things are no more.... we are barely even friends. Thanks!!!

I gotta say that I'm a little disappointed.... but..... it doesn't matter.

The equivalent to journal writings.

I think it's kind of annoying how you always get to talk about it and I never do.

There are no mixed messages. Bull fuckin' shit!!!!!

Feels like I am just a friend.... I am just a friend, that's all I am.

I feel I have been criticized and put down in your eyes..... I'm probably wrong but.... who really knows?

Wow, I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions, I guess maybe I'm being a bit paranoid. I thought you said you were done on the 26th. I guess I may no longer be a part of your life then, if that's the case. It's probably for the best!

I don't think I should be saying any of this really, because I don't know for certain. Things aren't definitive. But I can't say I'm surprised or am really actually all that bothered. I've grown used to it.

They are holding you hostage. My heart just so happens to be there with you.

Sometimes, more so lately, I've been thinking about how different things would be between us... if this, if that..... but I can't continue to do that. I need to know things are going to be good between us!

I miss how easy things once were...

I think I found you, and I am terrified that someone can easily take you away from me with just one word, "No".

I may be paranoid but I hope they don't secretly know you were once mine and they are trying to keep you from me. I hope to hear from them soon!

When I saw someone today that looked like you from the back (just their jacket), it hit me how much I actually miss you!

Watch us fizzle into nothingness!

I could say I've put my everything into this, I've given it my all, but I haven't and I can't continue to try.

Only the good parts!

I like my alone time, yes, but this is too much!!!

Why don't you fuckin' understand?????

Are we compelled to cheat?

I blacked out, and fainted this morning. No body knows.... I thought about telling my sister, but with her stress right now it wouldn't be good. My mom wasn't home and I can't tell my brother or dad.

And then this reminded me of when Miranda almost choked to death while eating Chinese Food alone. It made me say to myself, "wow, I fainted and no one was there to catch me"

Loneliness it's a scary thought.

ANd why when things are good we have an inclination toward messing them up????..... We complicate our own lives.....

It is clear that there is always going to be that one person in our lives that, no matter what kind of healthy, happy-go-lucky relationship we are in, we will simply drop anything just to be with that one person that seemingly completes us, but has a tendency to treat us like shit!

No, I will never cheat on a boyfriend, lover, husband, I don't have it in me. No matter how tempted. I would never want to be HURT like that and I have enough respect for both myself and my partner to not put them through that turmoil. Especially after how much Carrie hurt Adian on Sex and the City. I can't even imagine doing that.
Adian was a sweetheart. the biggest sweetheart ever. And it's a shame he ended up with a broken heart after their break -up.

On my subway commute to school this morning it dawned on me that perhaps everyone, everywhere is inextricably attracted to those that will cause us pain, those that do not satisfy us. and those we simply cannot/ are hardest to obtain. Why is that??? IS it because we feel we do not deserve those that treat us good and why is it that an any sign of "perfection" we look and seek out the flaws. We are trained by nature to do this.... WHY? The answer lies within the subconscious and I am determined to find out! Perhaps if we retrain our minds to think that we are deserving of those that treat us well and that we deserve the ultimate and seemingly unattainable, happiness that is out there for everyone then we can begin to accept and embrace all that we have... GOOD + GOOD!

How can something end, when it never began?

I guess that's it, we're no longer friends....... who am I kidding thinking this was/is a relationship.

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

"Ladies, I'm having an epiphany. THe world is made up of two types of women. The simple girls and the Katie girls. I'm a Katie" 

Everyone needs a Steve Brady in their life.

What I want is YOU, why is that so hard to accept!???

As if I'm not self restricted enough!

The sad thing is I know what's best for me, and I don't think you're it. And that truly makes me alexithymic.

To truly hate is an art one learns in time

People tend to complicate their own lives, as if living weren't already complicated enough.

Presents are made for the pleasure of who gives them, not for the merits of who received them

I met someone today that was awe-inspiring. Just Beautiful inside and out. She reminded me of a friend of mine, which to be honest I didn't particularly like, but she was a sweetheart and really got me thinking about the type of person that I can and actually want to be, and what I can do with my life.  It was an incredible insight.

Obviously, as is the case with most people who give you a good feeling when you first meet them, and really leave you with a positive impression, you want to learn more about them, in her case I wanted to learn EVERYTHING about her. Hahaha. SHE was just that Interesting. And I could have continued to talk to her for hours, sharing my life story. But it was time we didn't have yet...

Her energy was contagious and that's exactly the type of person I want to aspire to be like - a person with contagious energy! Someone as attractive as her.

We have both fallen into the pinnacle of where we don't want to be!

I don't want to think about it now, it'll take too much out of me. I'll think about it later, when I have more time for freedom!

I think I found the solution.....

How do you know enough is enough?

I know it doesn't matter because I am already here, but had I not left, things would have been different, wouldn't they have been???

Life's a bitch when it don't treat you right!

There is a cloud of doubt above my head now. Of course I wish it was washed away with sunshine and blue skies. But that's all wishful thinking.

Everybody says the same thing, that I should just let go, because I've been hanging on for far too long and that it's not really fair to me, I'm the one reluctant to believe them because they aren't in the same position as me to understand what I am going through,  so I am the only one that can really see what the situation is for what it is.

And so I can't help but feel is it worth fighting for, or am I fighting for a lost cause?

I want to say I'm there for you, but I'm afraid that's too much!

Why do the people around me keep on going through the worst kind of loss.... the loss of a parent, a dear loved one.

I know it's the circle of life, and everyone dies sooner or later, and I'm going to have to one day experience that loss too, but I don't plan on it any time soon.  But how does one cope???? And how can one help their friends who are going through that?

I hate that I haven't had a really good time OUT, at night, in a while. I'm going to be 22 soon and I think it's unbelievably unfortunate that I feel I'm not living life to the fullest or the way I should..... I know I recently had this conversation with my mom and she told me there isn't one particular way to live life and that people, that appear to be so well kept and organized on the outside, they themselves don't even know what they're doing on the inside, or just generally, they simply do whatever needs to be done, get caught along the way and move past it. That is what life is anyway.

I don't know where I got caught in trying to understand this thing called life. It is one of the mysteries that are probably never meant to be understood at all. I don't like going out, it's as simple as that,  so why do I envy those that do..... when all they do is just go out drink more than their bodies can handle and have a good time while doing so and especially a good time in trying to piece back together the night they can't even remember in the first place. No, I'm not that type of person.... going out is too MUCH. Not that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I think I'd just get sick of all the people there, criticize them for being too slutty, too obnoxious, too hammered, and too anything else that isn't really up to par with my standards, per se. That's no way to live life, judging people, or having a good time half assedly.  How can one even say that it is?

I feel like the worst sister in the world. I'm the person that you're supposed to feel comfortable telling anything to. ANYTHING and to the extent to which is up to you. I shouldn't put restraints on something that is supposed to be natural to us- talking and sharing, expressing ourselves!

I try not to apologize a lot, because the more and more I say the words, the more empty they are. But for what it's worth, I am sorry that I made you feel reluctant to tell me things now. Especially since it's our release, being able to vent to the people we want to share those things with. What more can I say but I hope things get better with time.

I think about where we are from where we were, and since our last "seeing each other". I think about the progress that has developed, but instead of moving forward, I think we are moving backward or not moving at all, but standing still. If you liked me at all you'd make a point to contact me at least once a week, and you not doing that tells me that you are simply not interested and that hurts more then words can say. I get that you have school, but when you "like" someone as you claim, even school shouldn't stop you from having them on your mind and therefore wanting to contact them. To me, it's unjustifiable.

I have been more then patient and I know if it were any other person, they would have said "good-bye" long ago, but I'm hopeful and I want to believe that something sensational can happen between us.

"Don't put someone as your priority, when you are merely their option." That statement could  not be any more true.

Laughter truly is the best medicine!

I want to crawl into a pit and not come out in a million years. Let the years drown on.

I wish I could take it back. Take back that text that seemed to imply more then what I wanted it to.

The fact of the matter is, I should have really just left it at the last one you sent me. Why do I always go too far? You didn't respond at all last night and now you won't respond at all.

I don't like having the last word..... especially when it's left in a question form (yes there was an exclamation point there too)..... But maybe I should learn and respect your boundaries more. I'm sorry that I don't. I try so hard to make it worth your while to give me the attention I've been dying for. But I think that's a sheer impossibility because you and I both have our priorities and they're different. Yours seem more practical because you are required to do well, given the institution you're in, whereas me? I don't take school seriously enough, I am only taking 3 courses right now so school already seems like it's not that important because it's not like I need to focus all that much and give it the attention and effort everyone else is. I feel like I don' t measure up and that's problematic. Maybe I am, as my friend says, thinking too much, worrying aimlessly. Hoping to find something out of nothing.

I was the one who let the friendship go because blood is thicker than water, so why do I feel like you should still pay me the respect or decency that I feel I deserve as a person. A person that was a part of your life at one point in time, an important part. Did I hurt you that badly that you can't acknowledge who I was/am?

I guess the title of "nobody" is pretty darn accurate to what I put you through and what I am to you now.  A senseless body just floating by, passing you nowhere, avoiding seeing you, living in the same neighbourhood but never acknowledging it- a stranger, a nobody.

I sometimes, recently it has been more frequently than not, wonder how you are, but I do not deserve to know. I hurt you, I know that much, as if it isn't clear enough.  And I lost the privilege to know how you are a long time ago. It's something a friend is warranted but I'm not, not anymore because I am not your friend.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about you from time to time and wonder what's been going on in your life. I do, I still do. As proof I am not an entirely heartless person.

It isn't important that we vowed to never break each other because that's exactly what I did, I broke you. When I told you I no longer could be your friend. I no longer wanted to. Just as it may have seemed that you lost someone who meant a lot to you, so did I,  I lost someone special too. Of course I realize that now with you not in my life. Even though I know it was for the best. We were too, far too different people. And honestly it would have been taboo for us to continue to hang out.....

Maybe I am so far off. Maybe you think that I didn't have enough respect for you, or tact in doing what I did the way I did it. But it was for the best. Sometimes things hurt and you can't exactly heal properly until you let people go, and make peace with their absence. Although constant reminders of them in your life are recurring.....  Fuck, I hate that and fuck,  I still want to know if you destroyed and discarded that picture of me, I gave you..... I guess I'll never know.

Thank you MR. Boothstars in making me feel that my feelings are well and justified..... I feel deeply saddened and wronged by your lack of contact. It is one of those days that I just don't realize how much more work you have then me and yet you are busy coming to this wonderful city I live in for a show, a metal show and I have no control over you inviting me. In fact I know if I asked you'd probably want me to come but question why I want to if I'm not into that music. My reason would be clear--- YOU. Maybe that is too forthcoming to say, even though you already know it's true and if you don't well, you do now.

Perhaps again, I am thinking too much into something that is nothing, because the circumstances were different the last time you came here for a show and we were "seeing" each other (I put it in quotations not because we were, we were, but it's because it wasn't on a regular basis, but rather an inconsistent one). You were given the tickets instead of having bought them yourself. It makes logical sense that you don't invite me to something you know I wouldn't enjoy all that much because it isn't my kind of music and I'd be paying to it for two hours and watch you rock out and have a GREAT TIME.  Or maybe it's something that you want to enjoy by yourself. It makes sense, it does..... you don't want me to be bored or not have a good time. Chances of that happening..... are probably higher then I am willing to admit but as the song goes "I got you babe" and it's not possible for me to have a bad time because what I would be doing is, bottom line, spending time with you, so I can't lose either way. But it's okay have a good time. I know you will and if the thought of me passes through that brilliant mind of yours, send me a text to say "hey" and I won't hold it against you.

I told you the thought below and now I feel guilty for not being a good sister. Sisters are supposed to encourage/support and comfort (we've discussed this aplenty, and have established we are not the type to console) but instead of relishing in the inadequacies you feel, I should be talking with you and helping you understand that things are going to be just fine.

You come home all panicky, after your date last night made me feel like not everyone, even you know how to act/react to relationship woes or happenings. Thank you for bringing me back to earth.

I now know that I'm going to be okay on my own, from time to time yes, I do need another strong minded individual's opinion, but I prefer to do it solo from now on, otherwise it will continue to not feel like me and I won't be able to handle it.

I wish I had control over my emotions but today I feel powerless and I don't like it because there is nothing I can do about it.

Today is one of the most emotionally distraught days I've had in a while. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, although I may have some kind of idea.

I'm listening to songs on repeat and when I think about things, just a little bit I have the potential to break down in tears and cry my heart out. But I can't. I don't know why. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, worried, anxious, and everything in between about everything going on in my life....

you made my heart fly! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. A thousand times!

I recycled this.....

These questions will get rather deep and personal, can you take it?

Um, yes, hahaha!

Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
I could, but I wouldn't.

Was the last person you hugged a male or female? 

Female

Is your hair clean?

Yes

How many piercings do you have?

4, 2 on each ear. I really need to be more rebellious. Hahaah. =)

What is the last beverage you had?

Water

What are you listening to right now?

Tokio Hotel - World behind my wall

If you were upset, who is the first girl you'd go to?

Usually my good friend Angie. She always knows what to say. Extremely wise. Or Melinda or my sister. =)

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

Yes.

What did you do Friday night?

What did I do friday night??? 

What are you going to spend money on next?

Wine or fido bill

Who was the last person you talked to over IM on Facebook?

No-one, I'm very unpopular, hahaha. That, and I NEVER go on Facebook chat, I don't really go on MSN a lot either. 

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Not yet. 

What does your last text say?

My friend is telling me she is sick, I'm telling her Vodka helps.... she likes that idea. 

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?

What could I change that would give me the same life I have right now? Nothing.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

I'll probably do it again in two years, hahaha. That's my time span between cigarettes. Hahaha

Do you think things will change in the next 3 months?

Yes. Changes always accompany the passing of time.

What would your name be without the first three letters?

Asza.... cool.

If you rented an apartment, would you rather be on the top or bottom floor?

Top. That way I could create a living hell for the people on the floor below me. =) Aren't I wonderful?

Do you have any weird things in your room?

Different, not weird, or maybe weird to the average person. A hula hoop, that massages your stomach/hip area when you use it. Hits the pressure points on your body. It's fuckin' phenomenal. =)

Would you ever get breast implants?

No.

What annoy's you the most?

.... I don't think I've found it yet.

Is the last person you hugged older than you?

Yes.

Do you drink coffee?

Yes, love it.

If a girl kisses another girl are they a dirty hoe?

No.

When you say you don't care do you mean it?

Not always.

When meeting someone new, are you afraid they won't like you?

No, not usually. Only when it's important. But I think I'm a pretty likeable person. =)

Do you regret anything that you’ve done in your past?

Probably, no point dwelling on it.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?

I'd prefer if they didn't.  But what am I going to do? ump on them, grab there cigarette or whatever it is that they are smoking and throw it away? I'd rather avoid confrontation. It's bad enough that they pollute my clean air, I don't need to make it worse. Plus I'd be a hypocrite if I did any of that because I've smoked too, a few times.

How's your heart doing lately?

Reasonably well.

Ever tasted your own tears?

Yes, salty.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

My dad

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?

Yes.

Are promises important to you?

No, because all they are is empty. 

How often do you cry?

When I need to.

Have you ever been rushed to the hospital? What for?

Yes, stitches. Very amusing day, one in which I will never forget. Because the women who attended me was a bitch and I was too compliant and sad nothing.

Are you optimistic?

I try to be mostly, but some pessimism always sneaks in. I also have a huge tendency to be fairly cynical at times too. So WATCH OUT!

When you're getting ready for something, do you listen to music?

Yes, Always.

Kissed someone whose name started with an M?

Yes, on the cheek.

Are you wearing any makeup?

Yes, up until bedtime.

What are you wearing right now?

two sweaters, black jeans, socks, earrings.

Has anyone told you they don't ever wanna lose you?

Yes.

Is it possible to be single and happy?

Absolutely.

Are you shy?

To an extent. 

Do you think age matters in relationships?

Yes, 10 years difference, max. I'm not effected by the age of the person I am with unless they are significantly younger then me. What matters most is maturity level.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?

Of course. How can I stay the same?

Are your fingernails painted?

A light pink nail hardener by Sally, nothing too elaborate

Do you tend to make things complicated?

Famous for it. hahaha (here's one of those things, that probably wasn't intended to be funny. oh well.)

Would you rather someone lie to protect you or be honest and hurt you?

Honest. 

When was the last time you completely broke down?

I don't think I've completely broken down, ever. 

Describe your best friend of the same sex... beautiful

Do you have enemies?

Quite Possibly. Doesn't everybody?

Is there anyone who will always have a place in your heart?

Yes, definitely.

Your recent ex REALLY needs you late at night, would you go?

What for? Depends booty-call? Maybe. Talk? YES.

Do you get nervous around your crush?

Ye-ah.

Have you ever given your all to someone who just walked out on you?

Yes. It is not at all pleasant.

Have you ever been to Mexico?

hahaa, why Mexico? and No. 

Do you have any chairs in your bedroom?

Actually I don't. No one needs to watch me get dressed. hahaha.

Are you close to your siblings?

Sister, wish I was with my brother.

What color shirt are you wearing?

White, with a tree and a city scape. =) God, I love nature!

What's the reason for your mood?

Hmmm

Where did you get the pants your wearing?

Winners.

Would you rather smoke weed or pop pills?

Weed any day over pills.

Do you love your bestfriends? Yes I love me close friends.

What are you listening to?

Anberlin- Breaking

Today, have you spoken to the person you like?

Yes.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Fuck yes, I can't get him out of my head.

Do you believe teenagers can be in love?

Um..... that's a strange concept to grasp because I never was, but anything is possible.

Have you ever dyed your hair?

Never, and I don't think I ever will, au natural is the way to go.

When is your birthday?

July 11

Would you ever get an eyebrow piercing?

Yes I would, someday. Maybe.

What's your best subject in school?

Psychology. =)

Happy with your life as of now?

Could always be better, but not complaining.

Do you hate the last person you kissed romantically?

Not a chance.

Who is your last text from?

Melinda.

Last person you talked to on the phone?

Papa

Have you ever laughed at something that wasn't meant to be funny?

All the time. 

Want something you can't have?

Hahaha, always. (wtf?) 

Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?

Nope.

Do you think you have made anyone happy recently?

Yes. I don't think I would be able to live if I didn't make at least one person happy. =)

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?

Fuckin' Yes.

Can things possibly get better?

Always

Do you open up to people easily?

Try not to. I think sometimes I'm TOO open. :S

Are you currently frustrated with anyone or anything?

Too much energy.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?

Yes. 

Have you ever found someone you really, really, really liked?

Yes, who hasn't?

What were you doing yesterday?

Notes, walk, food, bike ride, read

What time is it right this second?

5:49pm

What are you planning on doing after this?

Read, and concentrate on the love ideals of Plato and the Christian bible.

Have you told anybody you loved them today?

Everyday

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed. What do you do?

Live in the moment. Probably make out, if it's what we both wanted.

When's the last time you had grilled cheese?

5-10 years ago, been a long time. Hahaha

Have you ever made out with someone that had a tattoo?

Unfortunately no.

Do you get freaked out when you're in the dark?

No. I would be the one in the shadows, scaring people. Hahahaha, Or I'd be the one turning on the lights for someone who is scared of the dark.

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?

Yes.

When you're walking, do you stop to drink?

No, I walk and drink. 

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?

One only hopes.