Would have been amazing had you not listed her as your cousin. Looks like we can't win, the fight, battle, whatever, is not even worth it in the first place (too much energy), but you're just the impartial party and we should respect that. We just have our boundaries as does everyone.

one for the books!

Words cannot describe my utter disdain in being a part of something that is great, supposed to be. Correction, something that I thought would be great and has by no means lived up to my expectations. I know people teach you to walk into something with little or no expectations, the way the quote goes is,  "hope for the best, expect the worst" (that way you won't be disappointed when something falls short of what you perceived it to be), but what this has turned out to be is  far too beyond what my thoughts could have ever conceived.

The name has absolutely no meaning to what it conveys or feelings it conjures up when you hear the words, Cafe B.  It means to belong, to feel welcome and although it may fit in to where it is located within the city of Toronto. It doesn't live up to it's name, at least, so far. And if this is what it is like NOW, I wonder, or I'd hate to actually think, what it will be like later. Favouritism and Neglecting to acknowledge those of us who do want to do a good job.

Fuck that, fuck this, fuck off!

Even though there are a number of other things plaguing my mind. This one stands out from the rest. Maybe you just don't know what to say or how to react.... For the life of me I'll probably never fully understand but perhaps that's a good thing, because some things aren't meant to be understood, at least not completely. So I must thank you for making me a stronger person.

Everything is subjective!

Sometimes I can't help but feel inadequate!

2 hits and you hadn't even been awake for more then 10 minutes.

I think you've temporarily lost your ability to think before you talk.... you need that back..... Perhaps I am being too sensitive by being affected by the comments you made... who knows?

There is only so much consideration I can have for you.... What do you think I am accommodative Anna?

Well I'm not.

I have another confession.... I lied when I said we didn't have to talk, only if you wanted to.... because what I really wanted to talk to you about was why I was upset last week.... Remember,  when you wanted to talk and I wanted to too, but not on the phone? LAst night, I just figured that it didn't matter anyway because my feelings changed since then, I'm not upset so much anymore and if I am it's probably a different reason, but I still would like to let you know.

My thoughts are racing because there is absolutely so much more to say about this...... And I couldn't stop thinking about it all this morning and probably won't even well into the week. I must have written at least 10 pages in my journal this morning..... and writing in my journal just isn't going to cut it this time, hahaha.  I don't want to overwhelm you with my thoughts but so be it.


So I'm writing this for myself. To help process information I probably need help processing anyway (I can hear your voice going off in my head... Bullshit, it's saying, hahaha). I'm not writing this because it was discussed that I am not updating my blog. I've just felt most things that have happened in my life the past few weeks don't really need recording or attention, especially on something as BIG and PUBLIC as a blog. But here is what is going on in my head now that I am thinking, thinking, thinking and can't stop thinking.  (Maybe I can't even convince you that I am writing this for myself, because if I say that my thoughts should be private, then they should be and I shouldn't be writing this at all, but if I want to let you in and I don't write this then I feel I'm somehow contradicting myself). 


Being guarded/ protected/ closed off/ censoring things or anything else you would like to call it, is something that comes pretty naturally to me, I'm not going to lie. Maybe I am not as open as I should be, or as people want me to be (I once was told that I wasn't easy to read and I liked that.) But being guarded keeps me grounded in any case and I need to know that before I open up to anybody, that I can trust them (I'm not saying that I can't trust you, quite the contrary actually. Trust is something that comes with time and you've earned it without a doubt I am sure. Despite that we haven't hung out as much as I would have liked, other factors included here but that's besides the point. Telling you things about myself is something that has to be done on my own time (I know that you don't have all the time in the world to wait around for that, so thanks for being patient for the time being). I want to tell you so much, believe you me,  but there are only so many vulnerabilities and exposures that I can have. And having so much information at your disposal could very well be detrimental to me. I've had experiences in my past where information has gotten used against me and I've gotten slapped in the face with it. It's gotten ugly- again not saying that you are like that and would do that kind of thing, but it's something that I would like to avoid from happening (Anything is possible and so I must consider everything a possibility)  and with that I must be vigilant, careful and cautious). It's nothing personal, it's just me. I have to work on it and I would like you to help me. Last night's conversation was a step in the right direction, I think.

Yes, being too reserved can prevent you from getting close to someone and make you lose interest in them because you get bored with trying, bottom line however,

"If she's amazing, she wont be easy. If she's easy, she wont be amazing. If shes worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy.” (I've been coming across quotes that remind me of things in my life that I think are so befitting. It's outstanding!). So yes, too much mystery is a bad thing because you want to maintain interest and  you want to be close to the person you like  but what if... (and I know this is cynical of me) But what if what one thought would make one close to one person, actually sent them running in the other direction??? Since what that person says could very well have the potential to be terrifying, too terrifying to get close to them even..... So I don't let you in not only because of vulnerability and shedding my mystery, but because I am scared that my problems and everything that I want to share with you will make you run, make you wanna run away (So far I think I'm doing pretty good if this blog hasn't freaked you out already....). That's something that I don't want to happen. But it's a common enough fear and taking the chance is the only way we're going to find out if it's worth it or not. 

I care about what you think and what you think of me. I care about you, period. After all I like you and if I were to disclose too much information at the start who's to say you wouldn't judge (I'd like that to be held back for as long as possible, hahaha).... inevitably though everybody judges. It's human nature. So as much as I want to, I can't exactly stop that from happening.

I know that if I continue along this path, this path of shutting myself down and out and not giving into people's curiosity and interest in getting to know me. It can be damaging for myself because then I'm not giving you my all and I am losing out on something good, something SO GOOD, like you said! In order to make that adjustment it takes time though. And it's a chance I need to allow myself to take.

And I know the past is the past and I certainly don't want to go there to live, but what happened in your past before? You wanted to get close to someone and they wouldn't let you in? I'm curious to know who it was.

And I recognize that there have been several occasions where I told you I would let you know things another time and still haven't followed through with that. Mostly because I want to tell you them in person, which is why I've been saving those conversations for later, so don't think I forgot. I haven't. And I won't. 

It's funny because had I known telling you things like what I want to would make you closer to me, I would have done it in a heartbeat (anything less than a heartbeat?). But it's also that whole ideal where I don't or rather didn't want to reveal too much too soon, and leave nothing up to the imagination or invest so much of myself and not know where things would end up. It would have been a huge risk and I'm all for jumping off cliffs (safety harness attached), bungee jumping, sky diving, etc. But when it comes to my heart, things need to be handled delicately. 


Another reason I haven't updated my blog is because conversations like the one we had last night and even what I am saying now are things better said in person or at the very least on the phone. Because that way you get to learn more about the person you are talking to, their reaction, their body language (facial expression and stance), the tone in their voice, their overall demeanor, etc, etc.  It is so much fun THAT way.


Getting to know someone is something that is done on a gradual basis and it requires two people. 
Maybe we should make a list..... everything you know about me and everything I know about you..... See which one is more.

So now I have to be careful with what I say to you because you are far too sensitive when you are in THIS state. Fuck....

5:30 AM, my new wake up time. Oh the joys of the start of spring.