Haven't written anything in so long. So much has happened. Good and Bad. I love it!!!

I've been excellent, smiling everyday. It's beautiful! It's contagious!!!

So this is my break from my intense study session that doesn't seem to be slowing down or stopping anytime soon. I still have all day tomorrow and then I am finally done my exam sometime before 8pm tomorrow evening. It feels like it's taking for-ever!

I am exhausted. Not only because of studying but everything going on in my life is pretty fuckin' tiring. I'm working a hell of a lot. I love it, so  I'm not complaining about that, but other things like family issues, school issues and my family canary passing away on Sunday..... which I still have no idea how I feel about. I'm coping, it's been a few days I kinda have to. But I've never had a loss in my life before, thankfully, so having one come when everything else seems to be happening is a little overwhelming.

I loved my baby Tweedums and now he is no longer here. It's sad! And I know with the type of loving sweet bird he was he will go to bird heaven, or just heaven...Considering there may not be a separate one for each species....


Small update.
Back to work.

Can I please catch up soon!?!

What is even the point of it? Of us????

I don't get it.... I like you, I think you like me too, but nothing..... WHY??? This is killing me. I don't want to live up to that Stereotype of Canadians being sayers not doers. I want to do something with you..... Why is that so hard to do???? I guess it isn't, but it seems like that because I feel completely lost right now..... I'm questioning everything and I don't like that I'm starting to question even us being together..... why is it me that has to establish it, establish anything...... Is it a lost cause?

I think I should stop believing in things that make absolutely no sense!!!!

Good to know that I have absolutely no one that messages me...... I hate the feeling that I am not important enough!!!!!!

It's annoying how you think you know me so well and think that you can read me so well too. Why is it that every time I have something on my mind you want to know exactly what that is and when it comes to me, finding out about things going on in your head, you won't let me in? That is fucked!!! I'm not going to apologize for saying that, because it is what it is. You think you know it all yourself. I don't say that because that's what you said about me today, but because it's the truth. Honestly you think that whenever I make the slightest scrunch of the nose, eyebrow raise, or  even the slightest lip pucker that you need to know the reason. YOU DON"T!

I understand that we're friends, funnily enough I thought friends were supposed to treat each other equally and have this mutual understanding of reciprocity. That's not exactly there with us...... You get away with a lot with me, and I, the same with you. But you saying that I am putting on an act, not being myself. BULLSHIT!!!! I know I should not let this affect me the way it is.... maybe it's because your influence in my life is fairly grand. I value what you think. Hell, I value what anything thinks, especially when it comes to thoughts about me (how self centered is that???). After all we both really believe in Horoscopes. Yet,  you making me feel like a fake and unreal person is not really worth it at all, not worth caring at all.

It just doesn't make sense to me, to sit there while you tell me what I don't want to hear, or say the wrong things.... I know people aren't always going to say the right things or the things you want to hear but it's too exhausting trying to fight. I should just let all my defenses down, let everyone else win, not say a single word, stay quiet, stay still, not move, not even breath, agree, agree, agree, not think, be motionless, be thoughtless, be silent..... Everything that I'm not!!!!