Back at the drawing board....
Although it may be relatively difficult for me to let people in and let them see me all walls and barriers down..... that doesn't mean you are right or have the right.... Sure, I am opinionated and may very well be in dismissing the validity of your statement, but everything, anyone says is their own thought, likewise their own opinion.
Yes, I have thoughts. Don't we all. As I said earlier, superiority complex. Where you think it is okay for you to dish out information, of which you believe to be true. Whether or not it is, debatable. Not to mention your amplified qualities of awareness and being able to decipher things.... Congratulations, I applaud you.
Thank Goodness for my Blog. It is my saviour. You are damn right this kind of thing is especially difficult for and on your family as well. I mean just this morning as I was writing my first entry in a year, I was thinking how your anxiety is the one that destroyed me. AGH.... That is total and uncontroversial bullshit because I am way stronger than this and you thinking you know me sO wELL.... Please, you were the one who told me once that I knew you better than you know yourself and you didn't like that. Perhaps with this new found transition you are able to develop something in you that you have liked to have been the case for some while now.... That you know me better than I think you do. PLease. It doesn't take a rocket scientist that much intelligence to figure, you add some Cancerian qualities, throw a splash of beauty inside and out, some belief in a higher life form, an angry child who always had to fight to be heard and is now so hard on others and even harder on herself that she can barely breathe, add a smile, some love and bam, you get me (There is probably more but that is what I can come up with for now!)
A few things....
we were close, our relationship has been on the rocks for a long while now, because instead of growing together, like sisters "should", we are growing apart. Point, blank and simple.
Hmmm, maybe that's the reason why I haven't had a boyfriend yet, because I haven't forgiven Devine Masculine.... What a reality check for me.... Thank you.
Monday 25 February 2013
Title, tantalizing.
Today, is a day I feel like I would almost like to forget. But, first off, it's only just begun and secondly, it's very necessary for my development.
I am really bothered and it feels like I have no one to turn to. So, I am turing to my blog, which I have not written in or seen, in a little over a year. Wow!
Alright, I only have about a half hour to write down my thoughts and hit, submit so here goes.
I great friend of mine, actually she is my friend's mom, who I have come to love and adore and respect much like I would a great friend, hence the title attributed to her, anyways she told me about a month ago how important it is to write and the more I do it the more I will become better at it. Great advice, because I would really like to improve.
So today...
My sister is back from spending the past few days at her boyfriend's, yes she is usually gone Friday and Saturday nights. Okay, I thought, my energy will be able to be replenished and I will be different once she returns.
Nope, uh, uh. Think again Natasza.
For some reason this new found transitional stage that she has acquired since the passing of her latest anxiety episode has left me feeling like she has a superiority complex. I know it is my feeling and my development of this in my mind, but I hate it.... Her attitude has definitely changed- more smug, complacent and might I add, overwhelming. Perhaps I am feeling slight jealousy, as her moods get lighter and carefree and mine are dragged around behind me like the caboose of a train (no-body really would like it to be there, but it is there anyway). You know what they say about jealousy right? "Jealousy is just a feeling attributed to having an unresolved issue within yourself." (I cannot remember who said this, but it is my understanding of some of the quotes on jealousy, that I have read-compiled together, I am sure.)
Needless to say I should be happy for her, right? Happy that the anxiety has passed yet again? I cannot help but feel a little bitter and little resentment toward her. She has all this time to do absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time. I am ridden with stress these days; school, work, even my yoga centre and the strife of whether or not I should stay there, has got me wailing like a dog.... to paint a picture of a highly stressed out person.
Just breathe, breathe.
My sister is entitled to her space, to have a curtain up to create and maintain her privacy. It is only a human right, right?
With the passing weeks, is seems like her and I have lost "sister and sister" status. For I really feel like I do not even have a sister. Like I am disregarded and ignored, it's all about her. She is off in the clouds somewhere, in her own world and I am right here on Earth, trying to balance my life; my spirituality, my desire to complete my bA, and my desire to do so in the most loose manner. And she does not even make an attempt to include me in her processing-out completely-of-her-anxiety. She has so much dependence and reliance on our mom and it is not right. I feel. Yes, we all have our hang-ups, our issues that are ingrained in our tissues if we allow them to rule us, and our secrets that we like to hide. And it's a wonderful feeling if we could share these with someone. But in all fairness I do not like how my sister is slowly but surely pushing our sisterhood to the edge of the cliff. Not really noticing, or not willing to pay attention. I know things are a two way street and that I should share this information with her, but you know..... I feel she also really does know what she is doing. Somwhere, subconsciously, she does. After all, she is in the situation herself. I just seem to be the other party. Not trying to play the victim and vigilante here, just stating facts, from my perspective.
That's about it, I'd say. There are most likely hints of sadness and pain, in what I have written, as not having a sister, much less a lot of people to share things with is painful, but such is my life.
I feel better already having shared this with the world, yet, no-one at the same time (No-one because does anyone actually read these?)
Now that I have written this I realize how small I am being. hahaha. Writing is therapy, isn't it?
I am really bothered and it feels like I have no one to turn to. So, I am turing to my blog, which I have not written in or seen, in a little over a year. Wow!
Alright, I only have about a half hour to write down my thoughts and hit, submit so here goes.
I great friend of mine, actually she is my friend's mom, who I have come to love and adore and respect much like I would a great friend, hence the title attributed to her, anyways she told me about a month ago how important it is to write and the more I do it the more I will become better at it. Great advice, because I would really like to improve.
So today...
My sister is back from spending the past few days at her boyfriend's, yes she is usually gone Friday and Saturday nights. Okay, I thought, my energy will be able to be replenished and I will be different once she returns.
Nope, uh, uh. Think again Natasza.
For some reason this new found transitional stage that she has acquired since the passing of her latest anxiety episode has left me feeling like she has a superiority complex. I know it is my feeling and my development of this in my mind, but I hate it.... Her attitude has definitely changed- more smug, complacent and might I add, overwhelming. Perhaps I am feeling slight jealousy, as her moods get lighter and carefree and mine are dragged around behind me like the caboose of a train (no-body really would like it to be there, but it is there anyway). You know what they say about jealousy right? "Jealousy is just a feeling attributed to having an unresolved issue within yourself." (I cannot remember who said this, but it is my understanding of some of the quotes on jealousy, that I have read-compiled together, I am sure.)
Needless to say I should be happy for her, right? Happy that the anxiety has passed yet again? I cannot help but feel a little bitter and little resentment toward her. She has all this time to do absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time. I am ridden with stress these days; school, work, even my yoga centre and the strife of whether or not I should stay there, has got me wailing like a dog.... to paint a picture of a highly stressed out person.
Just breathe, breathe.
My sister is entitled to her space, to have a curtain up to create and maintain her privacy. It is only a human right, right?
With the passing weeks, is seems like her and I have lost "sister and sister" status. For I really feel like I do not even have a sister. Like I am disregarded and ignored, it's all about her. She is off in the clouds somewhere, in her own world and I am right here on Earth, trying to balance my life; my spirituality, my desire to complete my bA, and my desire to do so in the most loose manner. And she does not even make an attempt to include me in her processing-out completely-of-her-anxiety. She has so much dependence and reliance on our mom and it is not right. I feel. Yes, we all have our hang-ups, our issues that are ingrained in our tissues if we allow them to rule us, and our secrets that we like to hide. And it's a wonderful feeling if we could share these with someone. But in all fairness I do not like how my sister is slowly but surely pushing our sisterhood to the edge of the cliff. Not really noticing, or not willing to pay attention. I know things are a two way street and that I should share this information with her, but you know..... I feel she also really does know what she is doing. Somwhere, subconsciously, she does. After all, she is in the situation herself. I just seem to be the other party. Not trying to play the victim and vigilante here, just stating facts, from my perspective.
That's about it, I'd say. There are most likely hints of sadness and pain, in what I have written, as not having a sister, much less a lot of people to share things with is painful, but such is my life.
I feel better already having shared this with the world, yet, no-one at the same time (No-one because does anyone actually read these?)
Now that I have written this I realize how small I am being. hahaha. Writing is therapy, isn't it?
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