It's comforting to know that as close as we are you still don't understand me.... Maybe what we discussed once before about me knowing you more, then you knowing me more, is true. Apparently I know you better than you know yourself. And the same cannot be said about you for me. How annoying! See, this is exactly why I am the way I am, reserved, being strong on the outside, soft on the inside. It's  frustrating that you don't know that already!

Twice in one fuckin' week. That's a new record for tears falling from my eyes... I hope you appreciate the gift of having a younger sister in your life, she's a treasure, truly.

Horoscope communication, fuckin eh!  Gotta Love the stars!

I wasn't meant to go to school... My concentration is no where to be found!!!

stubborness is a way of masking fear???? That's an interesting concept!

These are my happy colours!!!  =)

Thank you for showing me what I could have!

I ate chicken for the first time in a while, yesterday..... the wings at work were irresistable!!!!

Some people aren't worth your time.

So the other day I got together with a friend, or what I thought was a friend. She was from school, back when I attended a university outside of the city I live in now, my home city.

Things were fine.... I have a tendency to be reluctant to tell people things especially when I have not seen them in so long because I have no idea how our gathering is going to proceed. Whether or not we are going to be the same as the last time we saw each other or how much we would have changed since the last time we spoke and saw one another. Clearly, time changes everything and my so called friend was not at all afraid to catch me up on all her accomplishments and relish in the fact that I admired her for them, gave her praise for them actually. And all she could do was agree with me. Smug superiority is what it's called and her complacency made me feel like shit!

While being ambitious, proud and confident are wonderful qualities to have. They can also be completely polluting and toxic.

When people are too ambitious, they often believe that everything they do is right, that everything they say is right and absolutely nothing will stand in their way and prevent them from getting what they want. As I recently read, ambition is another name for greed. And I think that your aspirations are achievable, of course, anything is achievable if you set your mind to it and are able to have a goal in mind, but what you plan on achieving may be a little too ambitious.... but then again perhaps I am underestimating  the line of work you are going into. And I wouldn't put it past you earning all the  money you want. To be frank, your ambitions aren't what bother me. It's actually your gloating and the high self regard you have.

Obviously people who read this will probably think , because I envy someone else's confidence it's only because I lack it. The truth is, while I am not the most confident person in the world, I am also not the person with the lowest self esteem either. I fall somewhere in the middle, I would say so anyway. And I am proud of that. There is always probably more self confidence I can have, but I'm not necessarily in a rush to become self-absorbed, conceded or cocky!!!!

The reason I feel like shit is because when you told me about all your endeavors that you are so ardently looking forward to accomplishing, it got me into thinking where I am in my life. I haven't done a whole lot at all for someone my own age and I can't help but feel I am missing out on so much. That's why when I describe my life I say that it is unlived. Yes, I believe you make things happen for yourself, and things take time but sometimes it's not as easy as people make it sound!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All of your plans hit me like a tidal wave because they are pretty much all of what, I myself, wish to do at some point. And yeah I'm jealous, and jealousy is poison - but at least I recognize my poison (Sometimes I feel this way, it's not an every day occurrence). And others are not so upfront about it (even though I am using my blog to channel these words)!

What struck me most, was how much you expected to get from me and how I received nothing from you  in return. Sometimes it's nice to get a compliment back, once you give one, instead of being completely selfish and retaining your adoration all for yourself (This isn't to say I was fishing for compliments, it's actually called human decency and etiquette - at least in my books).  "Me, me , me, me, me" and  "yeah, I know I'm great and I'm just going to parade it all over the place" are among the few mentalities you probably had running through your head the other day. And that's fucked up!!!!!

When you already know that everything you are doing and your life is working out beautifully for yourself, why do you need more reassurance and APPROVAL???? That makes no sense!  Unless you're one of those people that just take, take take. Honestly I never pegged you as one of those types, at least not until the other day. Furthermore, why do you need to rub it in, intentionally or not that's exactly what you were doing and I did not appreciate it!!!! You also managed to not only make me feel  like shit, but to make me feel like an idiot when you had to repeat your self with this condescending tone, suggesting  I should've known the information you were repeating to me ...... SENSE the hate yet????

Obviously this is not only about you, it's about me too and how I obviously feel this way for a reason. If you make me feel a certain way, if anyone makes me feel a certain way, it's a choice for me to feel that way (partly anyway considering some people can't control their emotions/ feelings). But people who make you feel this way - like shit,  are simply not worth your time....

What did make me feel good was, when you had the compulsion to share your sexual proclivities with me, which is something that some people prefer not to hear about and is actually best to keep quiet. It showed me how little respect you have for yourself to sleep around like you do. Yeah, you probably just want the action, but that made me lose the respect I used to have for you and actually made me feel good about myself because I have morals and that will never change. That's not to say you don't have morals too. So it's wrong of me to imply you don't, but they are clearly different then my own - I'm sure you value many things. Many different and many the same from myself. But it's kind of a shock to hear that you've devalued yourself, or put yourself in that kind of category. Maybe in your eyes you haven't devalued yourself and put yourself in any category and that's actually how you bring value to your life- sleeping with countless guys, fucking them, gaining the confidence you feel you need more of. But in my eyes I see it differently. You need to have sex to feel good about yourself, fuel and boost your ego, that's fucked. But then again you probably don't care what others think....

This one should have been put up a while ago!

I read this entry in my journal this morning and realized how important it is and how important it is that I share it with you, even though you may never see or read this blog in your life. These are things I just need to say. I don't feel them anymore, at least not this instant but they are just as meaningful as they would be....

I hope you know when I tell people about our relationship I tell them it's not a healthy one but rather a fairly dysfunctional one, considering we are related by BLOOD!

I tell them it's nowhere near where it's supposed to be, nowhere near how I want it to be, nowhere near where I feel it should be. Brave New World reminds me of our "give and take" 'ship (It's a song by hedley), minus the beating......

In all honesty this has been me trying for far too long and I'm sick of it!

You're too proud to admit that it's you or that anything could be your fault. The way you are now, how you've grown, the person you've become has made it hard, excruciatingly difficult to try any further. Our relationship has never been directly discussed between the two of us.

It's the both of us, I know. But for something that is supposed to be natural, it seems like the most unnatural thing in the world. To be in the same motionless spot that we've been in for the past 21 years. Admit it, it started when I was brought into the picture..... You've hurt me in so many ways and in more ways I've lost count.

And I cannot continue to do this to myself. To put myself in this position. I value myself too much (I know that may sound conceded or a bit too proud)

And if you were ever wondering, that's why I needed him in my life, for the short period he was in my life. At least he cared and more importantly showed it (Maybe because of our life together, you, me, we both, just have a very distorted way of showing that we care - is that even possible???) So him showing those feels felt real nice because it was so out of the ordinary.

Sometimes I wish you would open your eyes and see that you are becoming HIM- someone who I know you never wanted to become and someone I cannot afford to have in my life a second time around!

C'est fini.

I want to say that I have so many thoughts flowing through my head right now. But I cannot put them into words.

It's like a fuckin' switch, rather I'm like a switch.

never say no to chocolate.... I'm that addicted!

Oh Mr. Boothstars how I love thee!

As degrading as it is as a job I wonder with the way the economy is and every employer out there pretty much, treating their employees like SHIT, maybe it would be better if I just sign up to be some kind of go-go dancer. I'm sure there are a lot of men out there that would love to see me objectify my body..... but then again I don't know if I would be able to live with myself if I did.... I have way too much respect for myself to even consider walking through the doors of Zanzi Bar or any other strip joint.  Plus my morals and values are a part of who I am and I wouldn't want to change that.

But for someone who says that not in a million years would I ever be caught dead in a place like that I gotta admit that I'll definitely go in ONE day..... It is something that MUST be done in a lifetime, even if for a few minutes!

I have a distinct feelings things are a little strange between us..... maybe it's just my imagination.... I hope so.

Sometimes everybody needs an escape!

Sometimes you make me so angry. But I'll always end up forgiving you because I love you and I know you don't mean the hurtful things you say.

Jealousy is often associated with qualities in another that you yourself are lacking or want to have, or because you are threatened by someone elses' accomplishments when you compare them to your own. But is jealousy inextricably always linked to relationships and the potential prospect of someone coming between your partner and yourself ???  And, because you are jealous of someone else does that mean that you are afraid of them having what you don't or taking away from what you do have???? Why is it that females seem to be the targets of such feelings more so then males??? Is it more common for females then males and is that why the spotlight is on women as opposed to men?


Since jealousy is such a powerful emotion (if you let it) it can also make it that much easier to find faults in those we are jealous of. In order to make ourselves feel better..... why is that? We have to criticize others to make ourselves feel more self secure?

Oh, the perils of human nature or is it just my nature?!?

Ma vie est tellement épuisant parfois!

=)

Why can't good things, just be!

you can't do much without money!