Today is one of those days where you haven't gotten enough sleep, so you are going stir crazy and veering on the side of delirium, if not already there.
Back up a few hours ago.... I went to sleep at around 1:30 in the morning, only to wake up a few- not even about an 1:45 minutes later to the sound of my brother puking...... WONDERFUL..... Today is the day of the Winter Solstice.... I feel a tonne of energy bouncing around in my body..... I really do need to take that walk, or RUN, just RUN, anywhere, probably to my favourite tree.
I'm furious that things are/ have not.... been appearing to work themselves out.... for me, in my life... but the thing I need to keep in mind is that things are exactly as they need to be.... I am experiencing a slump in my life, because it's time that I really reflect... GO WITHIN and see what's there for re-creating & co-creating.
I'm upset that it feels like I'm alone.... But I've decided that the best thing I can do for myself, is go meditate, meditate with my trEE and so that is where you can find me.... the place where all seems unclear and everything is demystified and made to be crystal clear!!!
BoooYA. I'm done with these feelings of victimization!
Saturday 21 December 2013
Wednesday 11 December 2013
Life as simple...
Last night I watched the Hunger Games, HA, you would think after all this time that I would know better than to get caught up in celebrity life, or the movie itself. Do you ever lose yourself in the plot? And wish that some aspects of the story line apply to your life? Ha, I do that, more often than i would like to and it always come back to being in a partnership... It's ridiculous because really life is not like anything they portray in the movies... It's messy, it's challenging and not at all as pretty as they make it out to be.
Truth is, I wouldn't like any other life but this one and sometimes I have to come to that realization and reality of living my life in all its stumbling beauty.
That's it!
Truth is, I wouldn't like any other life but this one and sometimes I have to come to that realization and reality of living my life in all its stumbling beauty.
That's it!
Wednesday 4 December 2013
Attraction & Jealousy
Last night I wrote a letter to a friend of mine from a volunteer program five years back.
I was telling her about my two sexual partners that I have had. Ha, as I dawned on what I was writing a thought ran through my mind, like a film shot... Attraction, what is attraction? I had written down that my last (sex) partner had been someone I would not usually, find attractive and it hit me, attraction is something that is, not only subjective, but it's something we have very little control over. Almost like, we can't help who we love/ have a liking to, it just happens! Our feelings are our feelings.
And then I realized, physically he was far from the ideal mate for me, but emotionally and spiritually we found a lot of comfort in one another. Even though it was just a one night thing. And this was back in September, so this is somewhat outdated or, old news. However, it feels relevant to the recent act of writing that letter to my friend. And so, I thought I'd share it.
My next segment is on jealousy.
I am just going to be really forthright and say that I am jealous of two people that are and have been semi-in-my-life. One of them, Jackee* the other A*. A* and I are closer than Jackee* and I are, however they are still considered acquaintances if not, friends. They live in a small town where my other friend goes to school, which is approximately 2 hours away from Toronto, where I live. This is no doubt destructive behaviour toward my own self, to be jealous of them, for separate reasons, yet I am. And I am hoping this blog post will help me work through those feelings.
Here is why the jealousy sparks in me...
For me, many things continue to fall back onto, me not being in a relationship. Its sad that I attribute part of my happiness to this (missing) aspect in my life, but I do. Jackee* has been lucky, she was in a year relationship with the guy I slept with and referenced above. Since they broke up, probably close to seven, eight months ago now. She has found another partner. And they have already experienced going on a one month trip together. It's great they did that and learned many things about the culture and people of Peru. Peru is where they went, if that wasn't clear. But I envy the fact she has found someone that so easily has connected with her, on all levels! Exactly what I am seeking, like many of us are. Since I am not close with her, it is hard to come to the conclusion of her true happiness and to sincerely know what her life is like. Heck, I only get streams of it from newsfeeds on facebook, which filters someone's life and makes it totally unlike the actual experience of living or what their life is actually like. I do not know her enough as a person to know what she has been through. She's kind, from what I remember her sharing with a friend of mine, about me needing to spend more time in Peterborough. And I'd really not like to judge or compare my life to hers because she is rightly on her own path and so feeling jealous of where she is, does nothing for me, but harm me. And really, why would I like to harm myself? We are all on this Earth together, if something bad ever happened to her, or if her life took a wrong turn I know I would not feel any better about myself. Because of the person I am, I would do anything in my power to help her out. I would not like to see her, or anyone suffer.
The other person I envy and covet the life of is A*. She is someone that, as happy as I am she is in my life, I also feel like she has such a wonderful life. She lives in Petey-town with her two roommates and loves anything and all things farming. She has aspirations for herself to which I have no idea of. I feel like she sensors me in her life, or is not as open as I would like her to be online, bcs she is more of an open in person kind of an individual. And it hurts to know I need to put in so much effort to learn about the going-ons in her life. TO be honest, since I am stating all of this. She is a Sagittarius, yes people can choose to get along with everyone, and decide to not put unnecessary boundaries between them and others, yet I feel sometimes like she makes things seem easier than what they are, because of her life experience and sometimes she projects her views onto me, to a point where I feel like she is undermining my own opinion and making me think (this is very much a characteristic of a Sagg.)... Granted, I am sure I could use the extra space to THINK, but I would think that a friend wouldn't do these things intentionally. And I am sure she is not trying to and I am probably building this so far up in my head that it gets blown through the roof. But again, I feel like she has certain perceptions and that really dramatically impacts her life.
I need to find the point in myself where these feelings about others, gets turned back onto feelings about myself. So this is what I have so far and will continue to progress from here.
1.) I am not in a relationship and I need to discover many things about myself before embarking on a journey with anyone else
2.) I am still living at home. While I love the feeling of having a full house, my brother, my sister and my mom all live here, I would also love to live on my own. Away from my family, so I can grapple at the success of fending for myself. Learning what it all means to truly live on your own and support yourself.
3.)...... to be continued.
* names have been altered
I was telling her about my two sexual partners that I have had. Ha, as I dawned on what I was writing a thought ran through my mind, like a film shot... Attraction, what is attraction? I had written down that my last (sex) partner had been someone I would not usually, find attractive and it hit me, attraction is something that is, not only subjective, but it's something we have very little control over. Almost like, we can't help who we love/ have a liking to, it just happens! Our feelings are our feelings.
And then I realized, physically he was far from the ideal mate for me, but emotionally and spiritually we found a lot of comfort in one another. Even though it was just a one night thing. And this was back in September, so this is somewhat outdated or, old news. However, it feels relevant to the recent act of writing that letter to my friend. And so, I thought I'd share it.
My next segment is on jealousy.
I am just going to be really forthright and say that I am jealous of two people that are and have been semi-in-my-life. One of them, Jackee* the other A*. A* and I are closer than Jackee* and I are, however they are still considered acquaintances if not, friends. They live in a small town where my other friend goes to school, which is approximately 2 hours away from Toronto, where I live. This is no doubt destructive behaviour toward my own self, to be jealous of them, for separate reasons, yet I am. And I am hoping this blog post will help me work through those feelings.
Here is why the jealousy sparks in me...
For me, many things continue to fall back onto, me not being in a relationship. Its sad that I attribute part of my happiness to this (missing) aspect in my life, but I do. Jackee* has been lucky, she was in a year relationship with the guy I slept with and referenced above. Since they broke up, probably close to seven, eight months ago now. She has found another partner. And they have already experienced going on a one month trip together. It's great they did that and learned many things about the culture and people of Peru. Peru is where they went, if that wasn't clear. But I envy the fact she has found someone that so easily has connected with her, on all levels! Exactly what I am seeking, like many of us are. Since I am not close with her, it is hard to come to the conclusion of her true happiness and to sincerely know what her life is like. Heck, I only get streams of it from newsfeeds on facebook, which filters someone's life and makes it totally unlike the actual experience of living or what their life is actually like. I do not know her enough as a person to know what she has been through. She's kind, from what I remember her sharing with a friend of mine, about me needing to spend more time in Peterborough. And I'd really not like to judge or compare my life to hers because she is rightly on her own path and so feeling jealous of where she is, does nothing for me, but harm me. And really, why would I like to harm myself? We are all on this Earth together, if something bad ever happened to her, or if her life took a wrong turn I know I would not feel any better about myself. Because of the person I am, I would do anything in my power to help her out. I would not like to see her, or anyone suffer.
The other person I envy and covet the life of is A*. She is someone that, as happy as I am she is in my life, I also feel like she has such a wonderful life. She lives in Petey-town with her two roommates and loves anything and all things farming. She has aspirations for herself to which I have no idea of. I feel like she sensors me in her life, or is not as open as I would like her to be online, bcs she is more of an open in person kind of an individual. And it hurts to know I need to put in so much effort to learn about the going-ons in her life. TO be honest, since I am stating all of this. She is a Sagittarius, yes people can choose to get along with everyone, and decide to not put unnecessary boundaries between them and others, yet I feel sometimes like she makes things seem easier than what they are, because of her life experience and sometimes she projects her views onto me, to a point where I feel like she is undermining my own opinion and making me think (this is very much a characteristic of a Sagg.)... Granted, I am sure I could use the extra space to THINK, but I would think that a friend wouldn't do these things intentionally. And I am sure she is not trying to and I am probably building this so far up in my head that it gets blown through the roof. But again, I feel like she has certain perceptions and that really dramatically impacts her life.
I need to find the point in myself where these feelings about others, gets turned back onto feelings about myself. So this is what I have so far and will continue to progress from here.
1.) I am not in a relationship and I need to discover many things about myself before embarking on a journey with anyone else
2.) I am still living at home. While I love the feeling of having a full house, my brother, my sister and my mom all live here, I would also love to live on my own. Away from my family, so I can grapple at the success of fending for myself. Learning what it all means to truly live on your own and support yourself.
3.)...... to be continued.
* names have been altered
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