Why do the people around me keep on going through the worst kind of loss.... the loss of a parent, a dear loved one.

I know it's the circle of life, and everyone dies sooner or later, and I'm going to have to one day experience that loss too, but I don't plan on it any time soon.  But how does one cope???? And how can one help their friends who are going through that?

I hate that I haven't had a really good time OUT, at night, in a while. I'm going to be 22 soon and I think it's unbelievably unfortunate that I feel I'm not living life to the fullest or the way I should..... I know I recently had this conversation with my mom and she told me there isn't one particular way to live life and that people, that appear to be so well kept and organized on the outside, they themselves don't even know what they're doing on the inside, or just generally, they simply do whatever needs to be done, get caught along the way and move past it. That is what life is anyway.

I don't know where I got caught in trying to understand this thing called life. It is one of the mysteries that are probably never meant to be understood at all. I don't like going out, it's as simple as that,  so why do I envy those that do..... when all they do is just go out drink more than their bodies can handle and have a good time while doing so and especially a good time in trying to piece back together the night they can't even remember in the first place. No, I'm not that type of person.... going out is too MUCH. Not that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I think I'd just get sick of all the people there, criticize them for being too slutty, too obnoxious, too hammered, and too anything else that isn't really up to par with my standards, per se. That's no way to live life, judging people, or having a good time half assedly.  How can one even say that it is?

I feel like the worst sister in the world. I'm the person that you're supposed to feel comfortable telling anything to. ANYTHING and to the extent to which is up to you. I shouldn't put restraints on something that is supposed to be natural to us- talking and sharing, expressing ourselves!

I try not to apologize a lot, because the more and more I say the words, the more empty they are. But for what it's worth, I am sorry that I made you feel reluctant to tell me things now. Especially since it's our release, being able to vent to the people we want to share those things with. What more can I say but I hope things get better with time.

I think about where we are from where we were, and since our last "seeing each other". I think about the progress that has developed, but instead of moving forward, I think we are moving backward or not moving at all, but standing still. If you liked me at all you'd make a point to contact me at least once a week, and you not doing that tells me that you are simply not interested and that hurts more then words can say. I get that you have school, but when you "like" someone as you claim, even school shouldn't stop you from having them on your mind and therefore wanting to contact them. To me, it's unjustifiable.

I have been more then patient and I know if it were any other person, they would have said "good-bye" long ago, but I'm hopeful and I want to believe that something sensational can happen between us.

"Don't put someone as your priority, when you are merely their option." That statement could  not be any more true.

Laughter truly is the best medicine!

I want to crawl into a pit and not come out in a million years. Let the years drown on.

I wish I could take it back. Take back that text that seemed to imply more then what I wanted it to.

The fact of the matter is, I should have really just left it at the last one you sent me. Why do I always go too far? You didn't respond at all last night and now you won't respond at all.

I don't like having the last word..... especially when it's left in a question form (yes there was an exclamation point there too)..... But maybe I should learn and respect your boundaries more. I'm sorry that I don't. I try so hard to make it worth your while to give me the attention I've been dying for. But I think that's a sheer impossibility because you and I both have our priorities and they're different. Yours seem more practical because you are required to do well, given the institution you're in, whereas me? I don't take school seriously enough, I am only taking 3 courses right now so school already seems like it's not that important because it's not like I need to focus all that much and give it the attention and effort everyone else is. I feel like I don' t measure up and that's problematic. Maybe I am, as my friend says, thinking too much, worrying aimlessly. Hoping to find something out of nothing.

I was the one who let the friendship go because blood is thicker than water, so why do I feel like you should still pay me the respect or decency that I feel I deserve as a person. A person that was a part of your life at one point in time, an important part. Did I hurt you that badly that you can't acknowledge who I was/am?

I guess the title of "nobody" is pretty darn accurate to what I put you through and what I am to you now.  A senseless body just floating by, passing you nowhere, avoiding seeing you, living in the same neighbourhood but never acknowledging it- a stranger, a nobody.

I sometimes, recently it has been more frequently than not, wonder how you are, but I do not deserve to know. I hurt you, I know that much, as if it isn't clear enough.  And I lost the privilege to know how you are a long time ago. It's something a friend is warranted but I'm not, not anymore because I am not your friend.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about you from time to time and wonder what's been going on in your life. I do, I still do. As proof I am not an entirely heartless person.

It isn't important that we vowed to never break each other because that's exactly what I did, I broke you. When I told you I no longer could be your friend. I no longer wanted to. Just as it may have seemed that you lost someone who meant a lot to you, so did I,  I lost someone special too. Of course I realize that now with you not in my life. Even though I know it was for the best. We were too, far too different people. And honestly it would have been taboo for us to continue to hang out.....

Maybe I am so far off. Maybe you think that I didn't have enough respect for you, or tact in doing what I did the way I did it. But it was for the best. Sometimes things hurt and you can't exactly heal properly until you let people go, and make peace with their absence. Although constant reminders of them in your life are recurring.....  Fuck, I hate that and fuck,  I still want to know if you destroyed and discarded that picture of me, I gave you..... I guess I'll never know.

Thank you MR. Boothstars in making me feel that my feelings are well and justified..... I feel deeply saddened and wronged by your lack of contact. It is one of those days that I just don't realize how much more work you have then me and yet you are busy coming to this wonderful city I live in for a show, a metal show and I have no control over you inviting me. In fact I know if I asked you'd probably want me to come but question why I want to if I'm not into that music. My reason would be clear--- YOU. Maybe that is too forthcoming to say, even though you already know it's true and if you don't well, you do now.

Perhaps again, I am thinking too much into something that is nothing, because the circumstances were different the last time you came here for a show and we were "seeing" each other (I put it in quotations not because we were, we were, but it's because it wasn't on a regular basis, but rather an inconsistent one). You were given the tickets instead of having bought them yourself. It makes logical sense that you don't invite me to something you know I wouldn't enjoy all that much because it isn't my kind of music and I'd be paying to it for two hours and watch you rock out and have a GREAT TIME.  Or maybe it's something that you want to enjoy by yourself. It makes sense, it does..... you don't want me to be bored or not have a good time. Chances of that happening..... are probably higher then I am willing to admit but as the song goes "I got you babe" and it's not possible for me to have a bad time because what I would be doing is, bottom line, spending time with you, so I can't lose either way. But it's okay have a good time. I know you will and if the thought of me passes through that brilliant mind of yours, send me a text to say "hey" and I won't hold it against you.

I told you the thought below and now I feel guilty for not being a good sister. Sisters are supposed to encourage/support and comfort (we've discussed this aplenty, and have established we are not the type to console) but instead of relishing in the inadequacies you feel, I should be talking with you and helping you understand that things are going to be just fine.

You come home all panicky, after your date last night made me feel like not everyone, even you know how to act/react to relationship woes or happenings. Thank you for bringing me back to earth.

I now know that I'm going to be okay on my own, from time to time yes, I do need another strong minded individual's opinion, but I prefer to do it solo from now on, otherwise it will continue to not feel like me and I won't be able to handle it.

I wish I had control over my emotions but today I feel powerless and I don't like it because there is nothing I can do about it.

Today is one of the most emotionally distraught days I've had in a while. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, although I may have some kind of idea.

I'm listening to songs on repeat and when I think about things, just a little bit I have the potential to break down in tears and cry my heart out. But I can't. I don't know why. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, worried, anxious, and everything in between about everything going on in my life....

you made my heart fly! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. A thousand times!

I recycled this.....

These questions will get rather deep and personal, can you take it?

Um, yes, hahaha!

Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
I could, but I wouldn't.

Was the last person you hugged a male or female? 

Female

Is your hair clean?

Yes

How many piercings do you have?

4, 2 on each ear. I really need to be more rebellious. Hahaah. =)

What is the last beverage you had?

Water

What are you listening to right now?

Tokio Hotel - World behind my wall

If you were upset, who is the first girl you'd go to?

Usually my good friend Angie. She always knows what to say. Extremely wise. Or Melinda or my sister. =)

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

Yes.

What did you do Friday night?

What did I do friday night??? 

What are you going to spend money on next?

Wine or fido bill

Who was the last person you talked to over IM on Facebook?

No-one, I'm very unpopular, hahaha. That, and I NEVER go on Facebook chat, I don't really go on MSN a lot either. 

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Not yet. 

What does your last text say?

My friend is telling me she is sick, I'm telling her Vodka helps.... she likes that idea. 

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?

What could I change that would give me the same life I have right now? Nothing.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

I'll probably do it again in two years, hahaha. That's my time span between cigarettes. Hahaha

Do you think things will change in the next 3 months?

Yes. Changes always accompany the passing of time.

What would your name be without the first three letters?

Asza.... cool.

If you rented an apartment, would you rather be on the top or bottom floor?

Top. That way I could create a living hell for the people on the floor below me. =) Aren't I wonderful?

Do you have any weird things in your room?

Different, not weird, or maybe weird to the average person. A hula hoop, that massages your stomach/hip area when you use it. Hits the pressure points on your body. It's fuckin' phenomenal. =)

Would you ever get breast implants?

No.

What annoy's you the most?

.... I don't think I've found it yet.

Is the last person you hugged older than you?

Yes.

Do you drink coffee?

Yes, love it.

If a girl kisses another girl are they a dirty hoe?

No.

When you say you don't care do you mean it?

Not always.

When meeting someone new, are you afraid they won't like you?

No, not usually. Only when it's important. But I think I'm a pretty likeable person. =)

Do you regret anything that you’ve done in your past?

Probably, no point dwelling on it.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?

I'd prefer if they didn't.  But what am I going to do? ump on them, grab there cigarette or whatever it is that they are smoking and throw it away? I'd rather avoid confrontation. It's bad enough that they pollute my clean air, I don't need to make it worse. Plus I'd be a hypocrite if I did any of that because I've smoked too, a few times.

How's your heart doing lately?

Reasonably well.

Ever tasted your own tears?

Yes, salty.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

My dad

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?

Yes.

Are promises important to you?

No, because all they are is empty. 

How often do you cry?

When I need to.

Have you ever been rushed to the hospital? What for?

Yes, stitches. Very amusing day, one in which I will never forget. Because the women who attended me was a bitch and I was too compliant and sad nothing.

Are you optimistic?

I try to be mostly, but some pessimism always sneaks in. I also have a huge tendency to be fairly cynical at times too. So WATCH OUT!

When you're getting ready for something, do you listen to music?

Yes, Always.

Kissed someone whose name started with an M?

Yes, on the cheek.

Are you wearing any makeup?

Yes, up until bedtime.

What are you wearing right now?

two sweaters, black jeans, socks, earrings.

Has anyone told you they don't ever wanna lose you?

Yes.

Is it possible to be single and happy?

Absolutely.

Are you shy?

To an extent. 

Do you think age matters in relationships?

Yes, 10 years difference, max. I'm not effected by the age of the person I am with unless they are significantly younger then me. What matters most is maturity level.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?

Of course. How can I stay the same?

Are your fingernails painted?

A light pink nail hardener by Sally, nothing too elaborate

Do you tend to make things complicated?

Famous for it. hahaha (here's one of those things, that probably wasn't intended to be funny. oh well.)

Would you rather someone lie to protect you or be honest and hurt you?

Honest. 

When was the last time you completely broke down?

I don't think I've completely broken down, ever. 

Describe your best friend of the same sex... beautiful

Do you have enemies?

Quite Possibly. Doesn't everybody?

Is there anyone who will always have a place in your heart?

Yes, definitely.

Your recent ex REALLY needs you late at night, would you go?

What for? Depends booty-call? Maybe. Talk? YES.

Do you get nervous around your crush?

Ye-ah.

Have you ever given your all to someone who just walked out on you?

Yes. It is not at all pleasant.

Have you ever been to Mexico?

hahaa, why Mexico? and No. 

Do you have any chairs in your bedroom?

Actually I don't. No one needs to watch me get dressed. hahaha.

Are you close to your siblings?

Sister, wish I was with my brother.

What color shirt are you wearing?

White, with a tree and a city scape. =) God, I love nature!

What's the reason for your mood?

Hmmm

Where did you get the pants your wearing?

Winners.

Would you rather smoke weed or pop pills?

Weed any day over pills.

Do you love your bestfriends? Yes I love me close friends.

What are you listening to?

Anberlin- Breaking

Today, have you spoken to the person you like?

Yes.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Fuck yes, I can't get him out of my head.

Do you believe teenagers can be in love?

Um..... that's a strange concept to grasp because I never was, but anything is possible.

Have you ever dyed your hair?

Never, and I don't think I ever will, au natural is the way to go.

When is your birthday?

July 11

Would you ever get an eyebrow piercing?

Yes I would, someday. Maybe.

What's your best subject in school?

Psychology. =)

Happy with your life as of now?

Could always be better, but not complaining.

Do you hate the last person you kissed romantically?

Not a chance.

Who is your last text from?

Melinda.

Last person you talked to on the phone?

Papa

Have you ever laughed at something that wasn't meant to be funny?

All the time. 

Want something you can't have?

Hahaha, always. (wtf?) 

Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?

Nope.

Do you think you have made anyone happy recently?

Yes. I don't think I would be able to live if I didn't make at least one person happy. =)

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?

Fuckin' Yes.

Can things possibly get better?

Always

Do you open up to people easily?

Try not to. I think sometimes I'm TOO open. :S

Are you currently frustrated with anyone or anything?

Too much energy.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?

Yes. 

Have you ever found someone you really, really, really liked?

Yes, who hasn't?

What were you doing yesterday?

Notes, walk, food, bike ride, read

What time is it right this second?

5:49pm

What are you planning on doing after this?

Read, and concentrate on the love ideals of Plato and the Christian bible.

Have you told anybody you loved them today?

Everyday

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed. What do you do?

Live in the moment. Probably make out, if it's what we both wanted.

When's the last time you had grilled cheese?

5-10 years ago, been a long time. Hahaha

Have you ever made out with someone that had a tattoo?

Unfortunately no.

Do you get freaked out when you're in the dark?

No. I would be the one in the shadows, scaring people. Hahahaha, Or I'd be the one turning on the lights for someone who is scared of the dark.

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?

Yes.

When you're walking, do you stop to drink?

No, I walk and drink. 

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?

One only hopes.