dEAR UNIVERSE

.... today was most wonderful. I was working on my room, the redecoration home project I am currently committed to. I was removing some of the tile that was left since the last time I practically finished ripping up the tile and I cut myself. the corner of one of the tile's tore into my right index finger.... tearing the skin back..... kinda reminded me of the keyloid scar I have on my right elbow, except a significantly smaller version of it. ..... I didn't mind.... I was thinking, "Oh, a permanent memory of my hard work and effort that went into accomplishing my room, how nice." It also made me recall someone at the yoga centre I used to attend regularly, tell me, "it's just a body.... only temporary." But the thing with that is, I would still like to have all my hands and fingers in tact regardless of the impermanence of my body.

Later today:
I was working at my new job, with K*, the coolest Goddess I have had the privilege of meeting and coming in connection with yet. Thank you Universe. :)

We got rained on, or rained in, to be more correct. She was going through some tough tribulations with men as of late and well, while discussing the events that transpired during the day, I let it slip that "I have Ted*" when we were discussing our vibrations and how others are completely drawn to us and the vibration we hold and carry.... I told her, "I have Ted* (... in my life was to be the end of that sentence)" and then she was like, "well, you don't have him, but I know what you mean". And she is right because I do not HAVE him, nor does he HAVE me. HAVE... that word and term connotes possession, and neither him, nor I can possess the other.... we ARE and that is it. We are connected.... undoubtedly; he is HIM and I, me. There is nothing else.... But dEAR Universe, you know that already right? ANd you also know what I meant when I said, 'I have Ted*'.  I of course do not desire nor have any inclination to "have" Ted*. So, cancel, cancel, cancel that. I just like him a lot and look forward to us getting to know each other better, spend some quality time with one another and learn and grow together from there. :) (on my way home) This fragment of my day actually reminded me of a quote I read and took a picture of from inside a bathroom stall at a quaint coffee house in Kensington.... about a month or so back....

"Love is not expectation of giving and receiving. Love is not giving everything you have to another. It is about accepting the free flowingness of generosity and healthy self-containment without fear, without overgrowth of neither exceedingly good or exceedingly bad exertion of energy. It is embracing your emotional core and seeing it as a gift to yourself. Something to understand and nurture. Another's love cannot control you, nor yours them"

That is it Universe. For someone who strongly values language and words, as they are so incredibly powerful, I need to be more careful with the words I use, especially when it comes to the special person TED*, who I adore and who I have found situated right in my heart. :)

On my bike ride back home, I got asked by my heart of hearts to go through Trinity Bellwoods, I did. And the Universe presented me with more treats. I was veering off of exiting the Park, when one of my animal totems, Cooper's Hawk, a baby was calling out.... I no sooner get to the base of the tree where the nest was and one of the parents come swooping in.... So beautiful!!!!! And after I left and proceeded up the street to College, I needed to turn due to police cars blocking off the street and what greets me???? A whisping, weeping Willow tree- the Goddess tree of LOVE. Yes please. such a gorgeous day, just gorgeous, INDEED!!!! Stunner!

breath it all in..... today's adventures were exquisite.

* name altered

woRds...

This week has been a real, planetarily shifted week. Information I just learned, but it's been weird and great all at the same time.

At the beginning of this week I was like, "okay, I can do this".... continue to work that is... But the other day I got a whim of my manager actually leaving the cafe location I do work at, sooner than I had anticipated. I actually was completely misguided, or had misunderstood what she meant when she said she was no longer going to be manager. My understanding was that she would be an employee like I and the rest of my level, coworkers. But to be honest, that would make no sense at all. So, I was like, "Okay, I need to shift my schedule of resigning around" ie. to make it sooner! The past couple of days really proliferated those feelings.... I have been in such disarray and irritated to the MAX- to the point where I can no longer contain those feelings. I need to release them!

Through no fault of my own, simply because I have HAD it..... I am DONE, DONE with serving coffee, DONE with dealing with a whole variety of people that are on different vibrational wave lengths, rightly their own paths, some who I love to see and will most definitely be difficult to say good bye to, (ALL my regulars), but most of who simply do not resonate with me. "Natasza, it's time! " I laugh quite a bit and try to make it something of light heartedness, to serve coffee for 6-8 hours, four days in a row, but sometimes it is SO difficult. Especially when some people are so UNAWARE and, for lack of a better word, and perhaps this may kick me in the ass later, since we all come from the same Source- Creator God and therefore are ONE. But some people are complete idiots. And it gets to me.... I feel like screaming and shaking them, "What are you doing.... WAKE UP!!!!!!!"  But, alas, such is not the reality, it is them who need to wake up their own selves and not by my timing.

I have a coworker, who I adore. She is sweet and works hard, her name is Isabelle*. Isabelle* is not from Canada, she has an accent and can sometimes not understand when people talk in English to her. I have said a few things to her and just ended up saying, "Nevermind" because I am SICK and TIRED of repeating myself.... I do it enough and if someone doesn't hear me the first time, TOO BAD. She ended up saying that I was "Rude" because of this. At first I was offended, perhaps even insulted, but than I was like... "Let go of the need to control"- my mantra for the rest of the Summer. A few close friends have told me this one. And it's good because I told myself there is no need to make a bIG deal of someone's opinion. I don't think it's rude. I mean I am only going to. Let it go, let it go, Let it go. Just let things BE. And so, woRds, but woRds that have all been very beneficial.

Deep breath....


* name altered

SOmetimes as much as I would like to think and believe I am one of the sweetest sisters.. I can be pretty conniving and harsh.... Tonight was a case in point when I took unnecessary jabs and points of contentions towards my brother.... I'm sorry.... sometimes I just don't think before opening my mouth especially considering the already critical environment in existence.... I am sorry to put you through unneeded pain. FOr what it is worth, I do love you very much.

Okay, so here is what happened....

agh, deep breathe.... it's this heat I swear I do things that make me more craZy than I already am.... Okay so all I did was google his name and that's it..... I'm not looking at any websites of his or reading anything but what I have already read..... I am going to have a shower, cool off and watch one last episode of true blood tonight. I am too full from dinner to go to bed right away.

Woah..... hold off, hold on, sit tight, buckle up.....

Okay so for some reason today I have the urge, the most absolutely clearly evident, and overwhelming URGE, desire, compulsion, need, want to look at Ted's* website. It would be my first time, but I am so tempted. I mean, ultimately no harm can come from looking, but at the same time I need to control myself and have self-discipline and will power and prevent myself from doing so.

It means something,  the longing I have to look at it and my need to refrain from doing just that.

It's driving me crazy, but I am going to watch an episode of true blood, calm my nerves down and have a shower and get ready to go out to dinner with my family for my delayed birthday plans....

So there EGO, who desires nothing but instant gratification, I am sending you into the dungeon right where you belong, I WILL over power YOU.

* name altered

Receptivity

Today I spoke with my sister.... Oh, how my heart feels so much lighter!!!! :)

the power of the astrological horoscope...

"We are all inextricably linked to one another by unconscious currents. Your connection to special person remains intact and stronger than ever. Physical separation may occur, but an emotional and spiritual link will always be there. Even your subtlest thoughts are being mutually transferred. So, don’t worry about being separated. The emotional and spiritual bond is unbreakable."

My horoscope for the day, courtesy of Phil Boothstars..... Hmmmm, three people came to mind while I read this, mainly two stuck out. and now that I think about it further, a fourth person. Emulative of my day that transpired. Hmmm, a person from my past who contacted me, telling me that he missed me and asked what my response would be. Really Jake* I am so over this cat and mouse game that we have been playing for the past 3 years. I have absolutely no desire to have a friendship with you any longer. I have to ignore this guy because he simply does not let go nor understand the concept of moving on and he no longer serves being in my life, my soul's Devine purpose, my higher calling, etc. The second person that came to mind, heart and soul is Ted*, the person from my present and future. :) So lovely, beautiful and heart-warming. It is smile inducing just thinking of him. mhmmmm (breathe that in), I will be seeing him tomorrow. Aw yes! :) The third person - my friend Joey*, absolutely gorgeous and a such a stunner. Her vibrations are so incredibly powerful and thus this horoscope reading of mine made me naturally think of her because of the strong connection(s) she has with many souls, mine included. bEAuty! The fourth person who came to mind is my friend Nikkie* who phoned me today to just talk. We have not spoken in over 4 months, but when we speak, we can converse for hours and it's totally fine in having that lapse of time because we know that we are both there for one another. She is such a kid sister, pretty awesome person, equally awesome soul. She needed some love and support, duly provided by our conversation.

All connected, always, all our relations... the UNIVERSE is a mysterious MARVEL. Love it!

* name altered

Jasmine* is her name. Her name is Jasmine*. :)

Yesterday I got together with a friend of mine. Her and I connected through our workplace and we finally were able to spend some much needed quality time together. :) Her name is Jasmine*. Jasmine* is her name. It was such a beautiful day - awe-inspiring really. I adore her and having her in my life is true medicine. She is such a wonderful soul and I am so glad to have met her.

I know that having her in my life is meaningful because I get goosebumps when she is talking, which means she is definitely resonating and having a conversation with my soul. Mhhmmmm, happiness.

* name altered

..... and then some.

SO I have this hang up. I know it is a part of the baggage I need to release and let go of, COMPLETELY. this hang up is with my sister. I love her, that's a given. She is my sister. I feel though sometimes when I ask how she is and she gives me her answer of  "excellent", like she did this morning. I feel it to be smug. Perhaps this is because I would like to know what it is that makes her so 'excellent' as she says. But I know that she does her own healing rituals and practices in her space. And I feel awful for saying this because everyone and I mean absolutely EVERYONE is entitled to do what they need to do to bring peace and love to their heart and soul. But sometimes I feel like what she does is invalid. I mean what the hell. WHat a negative thought and how dare I. But I know this is a part of my journey. and that in order for certain ideas or feelings to be released they need to be acknowledged primarily. And this is my way of acknowledging those feelings inside me.

I feel like since she leaves me out of her life. Or that my involvement in her life is limited and not half as much as I let her in my life (I feel). that these negative feelings about the accuracy and validity of what she does arise in me. I need not be hard on myself by saying such a things as I cannot believe these feelings occur. But it is made all the more unwelcomed when I feel based on her secretiveness it makes it difficult to be happy for her. OR that my happiness for her is predicated on finding out what it is that is going on in her life. and about how happy I am in mine. Mind you I m ecstatically happy about where I am in my life right now. I am thankful and so grateful for who I am and what I have, both materially but more so spiritually and mentally- the ability to have a conscientious mind.

Another things about my relationship with my sister is that she feels this stuff too. OF what I am feeling. I know she is aware of my feelings toward her. Part of this also arises from competition. I human condition and somewhat of a compulsion to compete against and with those already in your life whether family members, friends, or others. SO, yesterday when I sent her a text about me needing to do the ceremony by myself, and she responded with, I received the same message. I am just like, from who? Where? How? And then my mind is racing about how her and I are into the same things, spiritually speaking of course and that her and my totems are the same..... And that she has the Animal Speak book too. Other Native healing and Native books on spirituality and this drives me crazy. Simply because of the competition aspect. if her and I are doing the same things than a need for one to be better than the other.... Ahhhhhh. This is insane. I need to communicate this with her. Monday morning.

I need to release these feelings once and for all. :)

My Birthday ....

Even though my birthday was yesterday and naturally in the past. It is totally worth sharing how my day was. It started out quite well and continued from that point onward.

I had two mud baths to soothe my mosquito bites. I had my chiropractic appointment. My morning was most wonderful indeed. I started my shift at nine and when my darling Karen* came in at 12 pm. it was lovely. She allowed me to switch shifts with her so that I could have the nine to five shift, instead of closing, as a birthday present. Beautiful of her.

Shortly after she arrived, we were putting away glasses when I was like "Ted*, Ted, Ted he has to come in"... Mmmmmmmhhhmmmm (Breathe that in) surely shortly afterward, he came in. he was behind me when I turned around to be happily surprised and to greet him pleasantly with a HUGE smile. :) He made a point to let me know he was drinking water and asked if it was okay. hmmmm. Of course it is (Teddy Bear ), I said to him. Karen* and I were talking earlier about what she would say to him upon his presence. And she walked right up to us after knowing he was there and pelted out a,  "Guess who's birthday it is?" He knew instantly it was mine. Aw, yes he did!!!! :) She was a little uneasy and rough around the edges but completely adorable. I love her! :)

After drinking some love infused water, he wished me a happy birthday and said that he'd see me later. Oh I looked forward to it. Every moment he is around I am just astoundingly and amazingly happy. I feel he notices too. My friend shared with me the tantra stare. 30 seconds, look into each other's eyes and open your heart chakra. I did it, but only for 15 seconds.... the second time around.  He came in after my break, synchronistically and wonderfully. I took his order too. Marco Polo tea and a magic bar. he is SO dreamy, his blue eyes get me every time. :) He commented me on my earrings.... or lack there of. He asked why I wasn't wearing any? And that I always am wearing interesting earrings. I told him, "new policies". And he seemed quite surprised when he responded with a "really?". I told him it sucks because it's one of my forms of self expression and it kills me not to be able to express myself. He laughed a little bit wished me happy birthday for the second time and shot me an incredible smile. He also asked if I had plans and I told him my friend was taking me out to dinner and that, that was it. And as I passed him his tea I told him I remembered his cold water room. He thanked me and shot me another one of his wonderful smiles and that was that. My Ted encounter for my birthday. Stupendous. Mhhhmmmmm.

After work now:

As I was heading home. I remember coming across some free stuff. Side walk goodies. I picked up a garment of clothing, from Indonesia, among other things. Gorgeous piece. This was on Kendal st. in Toronto's Annex. I continued along Wells and came along the street just off of St. Alban's park only to meet a dead baby hawk. That spirit animal is one of my totems, so it hit me hard to see it there, laying flat on the cement road. I needed to honour it's soul. SO that garment of clothing I found a few moments earlier. I wrapped up my Sacred friend in that and took it home.

I was meeting my friend for dinner soon so I had to be fast in what I needed to do to tend to the body. ie. I had to ensure where I placed it was safe. I shared the story with my sister and she and I went back to locate more feathers. So that all of it was in it's rightful place.

I had to leave to meet K* and I knew from the moment I found Spirit Hawk and wrapped it in that article of clothing that I needed to perform a ceremony to honour it's spirit. So after dinner with K*, we decided on a movie, which ran until 1am. I came home to write what I needed to share with Spirit Hawk and I gathered the items I needed for my ceremony and headed out to my Sacred Space. A tree in a park I go to OFTEN to hug. This was around 2:50 in the morning. I took the shovel and began digging. And by 3:15-3:20 ish I placed the body into the ground and performed my sacred ceremony that will now be my birthday ritual. :)

I had severely mixed feelings about this final event to conclude my b-day. I was heartbroken and sad to learn of baby Hawk's passing, yet at the same time because everything happens for a reason and there all encounters are meaningful in life I was and continue to be entirely grateful that Spirit Hawk's teachings and medicine have come back into my life. ONe thing about the hawk is, once it enters your life as a totem, it's presence is permanent. It is always there and on my birthday too, WHAT A GIFT FROM THE UNIVERSE! :) :) :)

So that was that. This morning I woke up early considering my 4am bedtime. And I knew I had to complete the ceremony so I brought some Sage to burn at my Sacred Space and I created an emblem of the Native Symbol (Circle with the divisions in the centre to symbolize life.), of sticks collected from the park.  I made up a song and sang it. Beauty. I felt released and vastly lighter when this ceremony was complete. :)

At the time my spirit animal got hit, I felt a sharp pain in my heart. It was powerful and it speaks of the depth of our connection.

* name altered

Beautiful day ~ 24 years ago TODAY, I was born! :)

Yesterday I was interested in writing an entry.... fleeting moments! :) embrace them all!

Welcome to Friday.

YES! Say yes to life today and see how high you will soar!!!! :)

thoughts....

Today was a glorious day! After leaving Gifts from the Earth, a crystal and stone store on the Danforth of Toronto's Greek town I had a HUGE smile on my face, for the 20 minute bike ride commute that it took me to get to work. I just bought a crystal that wooosh, just connected straight away to my soul.  I was ecstatic and high... on love and Mother Nature. It was drizzling rain and overcast and completely stunning.  It was so BEaUtifuL. Simply exquisite. Breathe that in.

I am going to go ahead and say this because as the title suggests, it is a thought, thoughts that have been in my head and therefore must be released, not because I  am writing this covenant with the Universe whereby the thoughts I have and share, manifest themselves, but because I need the ventilation and space to BREATH. It's been a long time coming. So here goes,

 Ted*, I totally wish I was sharing this with him right now. I have not seen him for about a weeK. That is, interacted with him. I saw him maybe once on Tuesday walking by the cafe but that was it. I was so excited everyday this week so far, to come into work in hopes that I would see him. I have chocolate for him that has been in my bag for almost two weeks. It is AMAZING chocolate too. delicious, heirloom, organic, raw, Ecuadorian chocolate. Well as the day progressed and my shift droned on, no such luck. Because I didn't see him - physically in front of me, for the past few days now. I kept on telling myself, tomorrow, tomorrow, I will see him tomorrow. Most definitely. Well, zilch, nada. Nothing. NOT YET. Tomorrow is a new day though. I've got a ton of hope! And a hummingbird in my heart that is waiting to see him, so it can fly. :)

And so the thoughts in my head carry on in the precarious manner that they are. What did I do to make him not come in? (Of course, my ego wanders into the territory of the justification being personal BUT it is a choice he is making, a conscious or unconscious one, that question remains yet to be answered.) Does he have a girlfriend? Did he get one over this long Canada-day weekend?  Did he realize that he can not continue to flirt or have the temptation to do so, because he has to remain loyal to this (supposed) giRLfriend of his? Is he just too busy to come in?  (come to think of it, I haven't see many of my regulars for this entire week) is he trying to scale back his spending? shed a few pounds? and this one is the BIG one..... has my calling him, through my HEART and SOUL, and has my constant thinking of him, scared him off?

He used to come in EVERYDAY, sometimes twice or three times a day and now.... suddenly a STOP. What does that mean?  What was keeping him coming in? My energy? My soul? His spirit? His Heart?  And now that I have lead him and myself down this path.... is it something that he is unsure of? Something that he has to think about before making a move? Or is it the Universe's way of testing the waters to see if this is for real, and worth waiting for? Dear Universe, you have no idea how patient of a person I am. I am tenacious and persistent. I will prevail!!! :)

All this time, all these thoughts racing around in my head has just put me in such a mood that makes me feel like going totally and utterly bonkers in front of him and asking him out. Asking him ALL these questions that my ego feels need answering. Not to mention just thinking about our next point of interaction makes me feel incredible and like I have absolutely unstoppable energy. YAOWZA!!!!!!

On top of this. Daren has somewhat come back into my life. Although I do not know the reason for it. I have no interest in him. I am sure, he's a good looking guy and sweet enough to say bye to me and wink, and attempt to make conversation with me, when I have A LINE up, but it is Ted* that has my heart. His blue eyes, his awareness, his assertiveness, his gentleness, his thoughtfulness, his politeness, his jokes, his smile. his SOUL. our souls are interwoven with one another and I need a sign, dear Universe. truly. I am going away this weekend to my friend's farm and I sure would love to see Ted* before I leave. Find the clarity I need by talking with him. Find peace in my heart by sharing the chocolate I love with him. Universe please. Enough is enough. I respect your mysterious ways please make your mysterious ways result in a Natasza Orozco-Feick and Ted G*. (his last name is unknown but it totally starts with a "G") interaction, tomorrow.  :) Mig-wetch Universe Mig-wetch!

* name altered

You are THERE and I, HERE

Our paths are very different, that is what I need to keep reminding myself. As much as I would like to believe we need to grow together. I think, what we need is to grow apart.... Maybe, at least today, right now. You seem so distant and that makes me reluctant to share my life with you. How can there be closeness in this? Breathe that in..... I do not know what is going on in your head that makes you feel like you are not able to, or, just prefer not to share things with me???? Whatever it is, it's your own right and I respect that but it still bothers me something fierce.

I would love to be involved in your life! Not only, what is going on with your friends, or not going on, but what you are fEEling, what you are tHINKing and just really... what is going on inside. Your healing process..... I can help. This is what I am trying to say and I feel you do not recognize my presence.... maybe I don't feel you do.


I know that this is something that is extremely intimate to you and again, it is your right to keep it to yourself.  But I would like to be let in. As your sister I feel I deserve that much. I know, I know.... who am I to say  "I deserve this and that"... But, C'mon, I am after all THE most amazing person..... hahahaha Okay, okay so I may not be the only AMAZING person, but I am one of them. And I can state that with a smile on my face and with conviction in my heart.

There has to be something further than a simple, "thanks for sharing". Surely my thoughts and words evoked some sort of feelings, or thoughts in you. (May I be bold and say:)  Perhaps, you are not ready to release them, share them, or accept them?

That's it. My life seems to constitute my interaction with my family and friends, and the special Ted*, who by-the-way, I will be seeing TOMORROW Universe. That is right!

P.S.
Carnelian, you are sleeping with me again.
LOVE,
Natasza

*name altered

Required!

I'd like to share my day.... but it is already in the past and therefore needs to be let go of.

:)