..... and then some.

SO I have this hang up. I know it is a part of the baggage I need to release and let go of, COMPLETELY. this hang up is with my sister. I love her, that's a given. She is my sister. I feel though sometimes when I ask how she is and she gives me her answer of  "excellent", like she did this morning. I feel it to be smug. Perhaps this is because I would like to know what it is that makes her so 'excellent' as she says. But I know that she does her own healing rituals and practices in her space. And I feel awful for saying this because everyone and I mean absolutely EVERYONE is entitled to do what they need to do to bring peace and love to their heart and soul. But sometimes I feel like what she does is invalid. I mean what the hell. WHat a negative thought and how dare I. But I know this is a part of my journey. and that in order for certain ideas or feelings to be released they need to be acknowledged primarily. And this is my way of acknowledging those feelings inside me.

I feel like since she leaves me out of her life. Or that my involvement in her life is limited and not half as much as I let her in my life (I feel). that these negative feelings about the accuracy and validity of what she does arise in me. I need not be hard on myself by saying such a things as I cannot believe these feelings occur. But it is made all the more unwelcomed when I feel based on her secretiveness it makes it difficult to be happy for her. OR that my happiness for her is predicated on finding out what it is that is going on in her life. and about how happy I am in mine. Mind you I m ecstatically happy about where I am in my life right now. I am thankful and so grateful for who I am and what I have, both materially but more so spiritually and mentally- the ability to have a conscientious mind.

Another things about my relationship with my sister is that she feels this stuff too. OF what I am feeling. I know she is aware of my feelings toward her. Part of this also arises from competition. I human condition and somewhat of a compulsion to compete against and with those already in your life whether family members, friends, or others. SO, yesterday when I sent her a text about me needing to do the ceremony by myself, and she responded with, I received the same message. I am just like, from who? Where? How? And then my mind is racing about how her and I are into the same things, spiritually speaking of course and that her and my totems are the same..... And that she has the Animal Speak book too. Other Native healing and Native books on spirituality and this drives me crazy. Simply because of the competition aspect. if her and I are doing the same things than a need for one to be better than the other.... Ahhhhhh. This is insane. I need to communicate this with her. Monday morning.

I need to release these feelings once and for all. :)