WOW! Last night....
So much to say, so much to think about.....
I like you as a person, I think you are a wonderful human being, a wonderful man. You've experienced so much, as an older person I wouldn't expect anything less. However, with that being said, I am so not used to people knowing myself more than I do. Or more than I know myself and am willing to admit consciously.
I like to consider myself pretty self aware, so when someone tells me something I haven't thought a lot about, or something I don't like to acknowledge as a part of my character, like you did last night... In articulating so clearly that I am a tease (essentially), it throws me into contemplation and questioning my very person. Something I don't particularly like to do, and I don't think anyone does, really? I was completely taken aback by that comment because I know that I am not a tease, I like to flirt, yes and I am a naturally friendly person. So when I feel comfortable with someone I am obviously going to show that sense of comfort with my body language and through my communication to you and the content of our conversations.... It doesn't mean that I like you or that I don't know whether I do and I'm thinking about it.... It simply means, I'm comfortable, so I can be this way with you.
Also, saying that I need to have sex and get it out of my system, with a stranger (Throw away the notion of love and comfort associated with having sex for the first time, with someone that induces such feelings), to experience it and move forward with my sexuality and my sense of sexual self (which I have come to realize I am, very much, a sexual person too, I just haven't found that person yet, to be passionate, intimate, and sexually intoxicating with.) I didn't like what you said because what's connected to the value of sex I hold so greatly is my morals which I also hold in equal accord. SO NO, I am not going to have sex with a stranger, wake up in the morning and walk out.... I would actually like to have sex with someone I care about, at the very least. Or lay next to the person for a while afterward, if not for a few moments. Yes, sex is an act first and foremost. Yet, it is also an act that expresses SO MUCH of a person, the realms of the mind and the body collide into something beautiful.
It is on my to do list, at the very top of my things to-do, aside from school and work and LIFE. So don't worry it will happen and SOON. I have enough patience.
I know it's not something you're thinking about so, so, so much. And you obviously, like what you conveyed to me about myself, have very strong opinions about certain things, and absolutely SEX is one of them.... SO it is exuberantly evident that you are going to have strong opinions about that. But just because you think something, doesn't mean it has to happen and it's actually not even necessary to enforce your views on me (which is something I was very encumbered by last night). I know I have the control to allow your perspective to influence me or not, so ultimately it's my decision as to what I do. After all it's my life and I'm living it, not you. But I didn't like how assertive you were in expressing yourself and how RIGHT you think you are, because let me give you a reality check, you are not! Not when it comes to this belleza. Get off your high horse of arrogance and self righteousness and get back down to where us lay folk are walking.
Plus the fact that you have a girlfriend also means that your mind is not going to be on me (AN EXCELLENT THING).
In a sense I feel violated when you feel compelled to share your thoughts on me and on my life. As much as I value your brain mentality..... Partly because you are right on target, SOME OF THE TIME (Yes, I'll give you that much credit!) But you say that I am scared. I play the game so well, yet I'm terrified...... Would you expect anything less from someone of my age and lack of experience (As much as I don't want to admit it)??? Plus having had the type of life I have, parent's divorced, unhappily married, unhappily unmarried, I would only have to be terrified.... terrified of someone getting too close, making myself vulnerable to someone who could potentially hurt me.... Yes, that's cynical and pessimistic, because maybe they wouldn't hurt me and I would never really know unless I take the chance... But I have to protect myself..... My heart is a well guarded place, and I'll keep it that may until the right time....I don't know why I feel the need to justify myself.... I will take that leap when the time is right and at that moment I won't be afraid to fall because the person I'll be with either won't let me go, or will be there to catch me.... preferably the latter, as cliche as it sounds....
