Today I caved and looked at your girlfriend's profile on zee facebook. You are still happily together. No benefit comes from knowing this, it really is pointless information for me. But, for what it's worth ugh.... that's it. I am not going to be humble and say that I'm glad you two are happy, because I am not happy, sad or angry that you guys are together. I feel nothing. So, in that I am being modest.
Since it has no relevance in my life, I am not even going to bother with it anymore.
C'est fini.
Friday 31 May 2013
The Glory of Living
Last night I decided it had been a long enough time from not seeing you and thinking of you often that I wrote a missed connection on CL. Not the most trust-worthy of places but I went ahead and took a chance. Maybe I should take more of a chance, and a leap and actually ask you out, the next time I see you.
Sometimes even when the missed connection isn't for you, you respond. ANd I've received a few responses.... All polite but of course it's like a snag when the responder is not who you really would like it to be. Agh.... and ******* you make my ego desire your presence. My heart aches a little bit when my shift is over and I haven't seen you. It must be infatuation and lust, and the attention you illicit that makes me feel incredible. All I know is I'd really like to get to know you a little more. Where it seemed like you were attracted to me, first and more, it now seems the opposite is true.
This is another segwey, but I haven't been feeling all that great. I've been tired mostly, but it's not the same greatness that makes everything up to par... So, I guess I wrote the missed connection as a way to make myself feel good. And to process out the feelings I do have.
Anyways today is going to be woNDerFuL.
Sometimes even when the missed connection isn't for you, you respond. ANd I've received a few responses.... All polite but of course it's like a snag when the responder is not who you really would like it to be. Agh.... and ******* you make my ego desire your presence. My heart aches a little bit when my shift is over and I haven't seen you. It must be infatuation and lust, and the attention you illicit that makes me feel incredible. All I know is I'd really like to get to know you a little more. Where it seemed like you were attracted to me, first and more, it now seems the opposite is true.
This is another segwey, but I haven't been feeling all that great. I've been tired mostly, but it's not the same greatness that makes everything up to par... So, I guess I wrote the missed connection as a way to make myself feel good. And to process out the feelings I do have.
Anyways today is going to be woNDerFuL.
Tuesday 28 May 2013
An announcement...
I forgot to announce this days ago but I love mustard. I was telling my mom, jokingly (obviously) that if I could marry anything in the world... it'd be mustard. Pure. Simple Natural's. Premium flavoured mustard. It's delicious.
I'd say Chocolate too, but we go way back. And we already have an eternal commitment kind of arrangement.
Anyways.... smile inducing. Hope this post achieved that!
I'd say Chocolate too, but we go way back. And we already have an eternal commitment kind of arrangement.
Anyways.... smile inducing. Hope this post achieved that!
Part two- in the afternoon. and the following day...
I've come to think alot about this part of my life... called my relationship with my dad- my father. It's a long story, way too long for me to get into the nitty, gritty details here. But basically what you need to know is that he is a very temperamental guy. He has become someone which whom is extremely difficult to be around. He takes everything seriously. Even when an attempt is made to lighten the mood. In fact he gets angry when a joke or face is made. He takes everything painfully, personally. And is OBSESSED with the ideas and concepts of REJECTION, LONELINESS, SADNESS, SORROW & REGRET, among many others, as they have been frequent characters in the movie that is his life. He is always living and coming from a space and place of lack as opposed to gain. He criticizes, makes negative and hurtful comments, he judges and is completely energy consuming, energy depleting and absolutely exhausting to be around. Plain and simple.
Sure, he's had plenty of pain in his life, we all have. It is a great and glorious part of life. It's what makes us grow- up and become better beings. But where most people learn to let their pasts go, my father has taken it upon himself to carry the full weight of every event, small and BIG that has transformed him into the person he is. It's like 13000 balls and chains, if not more. I am sharing this because in spite of how personal it is. It relieves and releases so much by writing and talking about it. I could go into all the details, but I will not because it is not necessary. Since it is already known and understood that "....every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way."
In short, what happened yesterday afternoon, my father was driving us kids around, with our cousin that was visiting. It was around the Cherry Beach Area, and after pulling out of a gas station, my father decided to bust out in an angry rage and a swearing vulgarity fit. It was not at all pleasant. Some have road rage, my father has it 10 fold. We all were telling him to calm down, except my cousin who was just sitting there. Because, you know, having someone yelling even if it isn't at you, is a very negative environment to be in. Not to mention embarrassing to be with someone who cannot control their anger. It ended with him saying an unrelenting, "FUCK YOU" to all of us. Yeah that's right, his own children and in front of our cousin to boot, his nephew (?). What a great impression eh??
He later apologized.... twice as if that would do anything.... He has done this before too, where he would go to the extreme in something and think that an apology would suffice to remedy it.... Really, it doesn't make much sense if you ask me.... I mean, why do something you are later going to regret, or try to justify by saying "I'm sorry". There are only so many times that that can actually be rendered reasonable and an acceptable means of recognizing your wrong doing.... Soon enough though they do become meaningless words that are merely redundant.... You know? Instead I think it far better to stop and think before opening your mouth, or acting. But so many people, and my father falls into this category, act too irrationally and impulsively. They simply do not think. Granted family is family and families practice forgiveness. Despite it being an art and a virtue seldom practiced in today's world, but simply because that is the case does not warrant behaviour that is deemed "forgiveable". In contrast, people too often abuse the kindness and sincerity of those that forgive. It's a privilege, not all are entitled to.
ANyways. My dad was dropping us off at our mom's at the end of the night and I spoke with him about the whole "F*** YOu" incident and he went on to say that I've lost all caring and love for him. He claims it has been ever since his remarriage to a women who was understood to be some relative of his.... who knows(?). Either way, the bottom line here is he said a lot of hurtful things to me. And while I was having this "conversation" (I don't really want to call it a conversation, but for all intensive purposes I think that's what it was...) my heart was racing... a mile a minute and it didn't start to calm down until I was out of my father's presence. But this just goes to show you that some people are not cut out for this world.
I am a positivist, a believer, and I practice kindness. It is definitely difficult though when I have someone in my life that is all BLACk.... He also went as far as to take a jab at what find of posts I have on my facebook, about positive ways of living... and such, quotes to live by that make things properly put into perspective. Things I like and recognize.
I didn't appreciate that, who would? Then again I have to remind myself that it's his story that he is projecting. It's nothing about me, per se, but it's about him... And it's true. His poor soul is suffering...
Wow, that's longer than I had anticipated.... back to "How I Met your Mother! " :)
Sure, he's had plenty of pain in his life, we all have. It is a great and glorious part of life. It's what makes us grow- up and become better beings. But where most people learn to let their pasts go, my father has taken it upon himself to carry the full weight of every event, small and BIG that has transformed him into the person he is. It's like 13000 balls and chains, if not more. I am sharing this because in spite of how personal it is. It relieves and releases so much by writing and talking about it. I could go into all the details, but I will not because it is not necessary. Since it is already known and understood that "....every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way."
In short, what happened yesterday afternoon, my father was driving us kids around, with our cousin that was visiting. It was around the Cherry Beach Area, and after pulling out of a gas station, my father decided to bust out in an angry rage and a swearing vulgarity fit. It was not at all pleasant. Some have road rage, my father has it 10 fold. We all were telling him to calm down, except my cousin who was just sitting there. Because, you know, having someone yelling even if it isn't at you, is a very negative environment to be in. Not to mention embarrassing to be with someone who cannot control their anger. It ended with him saying an unrelenting, "FUCK YOU" to all of us. Yeah that's right, his own children and in front of our cousin to boot, his nephew (?). What a great impression eh??
He later apologized.... twice as if that would do anything.... He has done this before too, where he would go to the extreme in something and think that an apology would suffice to remedy it.... Really, it doesn't make much sense if you ask me.... I mean, why do something you are later going to regret, or try to justify by saying "I'm sorry". There are only so many times that that can actually be rendered reasonable and an acceptable means of recognizing your wrong doing.... Soon enough though they do become meaningless words that are merely redundant.... You know? Instead I think it far better to stop and think before opening your mouth, or acting. But so many people, and my father falls into this category, act too irrationally and impulsively. They simply do not think. Granted family is family and families practice forgiveness. Despite it being an art and a virtue seldom practiced in today's world, but simply because that is the case does not warrant behaviour that is deemed "forgiveable". In contrast, people too often abuse the kindness and sincerity of those that forgive. It's a privilege, not all are entitled to.
ANyways. My dad was dropping us off at our mom's at the end of the night and I spoke with him about the whole "F*** YOu" incident and he went on to say that I've lost all caring and love for him. He claims it has been ever since his remarriage to a women who was understood to be some relative of his.... who knows(?). Either way, the bottom line here is he said a lot of hurtful things to me. And while I was having this "conversation" (I don't really want to call it a conversation, but for all intensive purposes I think that's what it was...) my heart was racing... a mile a minute and it didn't start to calm down until I was out of my father's presence. But this just goes to show you that some people are not cut out for this world.
I am a positivist, a believer, and I practice kindness. It is definitely difficult though when I have someone in my life that is all BLACk.... He also went as far as to take a jab at what find of posts I have on my facebook, about positive ways of living... and such, quotes to live by that make things properly put into perspective. Things I like and recognize.
I didn't appreciate that, who would? Then again I have to remind myself that it's his story that he is projecting. It's nothing about me, per se, but it's about him... And it's true. His poor soul is suffering...
Wow, that's longer than I had anticipated.... back to "How I Met your Mother! " :)
There are TWO, TWO segments to this day.
First I will share my morning, in all it's glory with you (few) readers- thank-you btw.
OKay, so first things first. I was in a great mood this morning, scratch that WoNDERfuL mood, this morning. I was singing Hare Krishna on my bike ride commute to work. And I was just loving it, loving life, happy. EVERYTHING good and positive. That kind of energy was radiating from me.
Well into my morning while folding the box of chocolate chip cookies that had been emptied because of my replenishing of them on the respective tray at my work. I pinched my arm, causing a bruise to develop rapidly. Almost like a blood blister, extremely tender and extremely painful. I was still in a good mood.
SO that happened, in addition to me burning myself with scalding water, and scalding coffee.... to the point of tears. My mood was slowly changing for the worse by the early afternoon. In other words, I needed my break and after coming back from it my manager tells me that one of the openers could be relieved. I jumped at the opportunity. I quickly asked Lori if I could leave and she said it was okay with her, so thankfully, my day at work ended earlier than I had anticipated and I was appreciative for such an occurrence.
I left work early then and started to hunt down a top-notch quality butter tart for my cousin who has NEVER tried one. He was in town for a short while and leaving later on that evening. After visiting several cafe's with no luck I stumbled upon the Chai bar on Dupont. Popped inside for a brief moment, or what I was intending to be a brief moment, but turned out to be ten brief minutes. They did not have any butter tarts for sale but the baristo behind the counter made me feel 110% more cheerful than I was already. Making conversation, being friendly and sweet and CHARMING, he was good looking too, but that's besides the point. He introduced himself as "Pat" which because of my nose being plugged and my ears not hearing so well because of that, sounded like "Ed". We joked about it a little bit and then I was off, not before tipping him for the "service" he had just provided to me. Such a wonderful being that one was. I was in a good mood for practically the rest of the day.
Just feeling good in general and then the afternoon followed... dun, dun, dun.
OKay, so first things first. I was in a great mood this morning, scratch that WoNDERfuL mood, this morning. I was singing Hare Krishna on my bike ride commute to work. And I was just loving it, loving life, happy. EVERYTHING good and positive. That kind of energy was radiating from me.
Well into my morning while folding the box of chocolate chip cookies that had been emptied because of my replenishing of them on the respective tray at my work. I pinched my arm, causing a bruise to develop rapidly. Almost like a blood blister, extremely tender and extremely painful. I was still in a good mood.
SO that happened, in addition to me burning myself with scalding water, and scalding coffee.... to the point of tears. My mood was slowly changing for the worse by the early afternoon. In other words, I needed my break and after coming back from it my manager tells me that one of the openers could be relieved. I jumped at the opportunity. I quickly asked Lori if I could leave and she said it was okay with her, so thankfully, my day at work ended earlier than I had anticipated and I was appreciative for such an occurrence.
I left work early then and started to hunt down a top-notch quality butter tart for my cousin who has NEVER tried one. He was in town for a short while and leaving later on that evening. After visiting several cafe's with no luck I stumbled upon the Chai bar on Dupont. Popped inside for a brief moment, or what I was intending to be a brief moment, but turned out to be ten brief minutes. They did not have any butter tarts for sale but the baristo behind the counter made me feel 110% more cheerful than I was already. Making conversation, being friendly and sweet and CHARMING, he was good looking too, but that's besides the point. He introduced himself as "Pat" which because of my nose being plugged and my ears not hearing so well because of that, sounded like "Ed". We joked about it a little bit and then I was off, not before tipping him for the "service" he had just provided to me. Such a wonderful being that one was. I was in a good mood for practically the rest of the day.
Just feeling good in general and then the afternoon followed... dun, dun, dun.
Saturday 25 May 2013
Laughter is the BEST medicine?
Here I am laughing at the fact of the first guy I ever really "hooked up" with wanting to, or says he does, "party again sometime together." HA, is what I say, as if that will happen again! I shouldn't be laughing, but it's a mix of that-will-never-happen-again, and oh-it-was-good-while-it-lasted, kind of a laughter. Instead of laughing, I feel I should almost be offended. After all, we hooked up, that's all we did - was fool around, and he would like to do it again, to get his needs met. P-ahh-leeze
Funnily enough I actually feel guilty for coyly enjoying his comment. I wouldn't mind being with him again, but we both, at least I have, changed so much in the four years we've not been in touch. I no longer drink. Even socially. I've been sober, or alcohol free for hmmm, I'd like to say two years but truth be told I have no idea when the last time I consumed alcohol was. I remember sipping at my mom's wine, last year, I think. So I guess that would make it a year or less... And I have a crush on someone, usually I prefer not to be with any other, than that person. But, if it happens, it happens.
Chances are it won't happen. Sometimes though, it's incredibly freeing, to simply loose control!
Funnily enough I actually feel guilty for coyly enjoying his comment. I wouldn't mind being with him again, but we both, at least I have, changed so much in the four years we've not been in touch. I no longer drink. Even socially. I've been sober, or alcohol free for hmmm, I'd like to say two years but truth be told I have no idea when the last time I consumed alcohol was. I remember sipping at my mom's wine, last year, I think. So I guess that would make it a year or less... And I have a crush on someone, usually I prefer not to be with any other, than that person. But, if it happens, it happens.
Chances are it won't happen. Sometimes though, it's incredibly freeing, to simply loose control!
Friday 24 May 2013
There are just too many things....
Okay, so today was the day I finally saw YOU. You looked sad and all I really would have liked to do, was to finally ask, "how are you?" and genuinely mean it. But circumstances ensued that did not permit that. The day will soon come, when we will have a chat.
I just hope that I didn't ruin things before, with the way that conversation went that day....
If it's not already obvious enough... I like you. Or, I like the idea of liking someone that could be remotely interested in me- sounds sad actually? It's been a while since I really liked someone and I definitely look forward to Fridays. Because I figured out that Fridays seem to be the only days you come in, and you seem to come in at the time I start my shift, if I am closing. And if not, it is a BIG question mark of whether or not I will see you at all.
I hardly, if ever see you other days, and that day you walked in with a girl, possibly your coworker, is my first inclination... Things got awkward and tore my fantasy of you liking ME, into tiny pieces. It also made me realize that I do in fact care for you. Your presence makes me nervous and there are countless times, riding home on my bike for instance, like tonight where I think about potential conversations we would have if I wasn't so nervous, or sick, or oUT oF iT. Then again a Virgoian thing is to be shy, and because I do not see you that often it's hard to tell if you are even interested. All we have is that fateful day you joined me outside and sat, I would like to think that meant something to you.... How do I know? I don't, all there are, are feelings and instincts and way too many other thoughts that I need to keep at bay and keep quiet.
I just hope that I didn't ruin things before, with the way that conversation went that day....
If it's not already obvious enough... I like you. Or, I like the idea of liking someone that could be remotely interested in me- sounds sad actually? It's been a while since I really liked someone and I definitely look forward to Fridays. Because I figured out that Fridays seem to be the only days you come in, and you seem to come in at the time I start my shift, if I am closing. And if not, it is a BIG question mark of whether or not I will see you at all.
I hardly, if ever see you other days, and that day you walked in with a girl, possibly your coworker, is my first inclination... Things got awkward and tore my fantasy of you liking ME, into tiny pieces. It also made me realize that I do in fact care for you. Your presence makes me nervous and there are countless times, riding home on my bike for instance, like tonight where I think about potential conversations we would have if I wasn't so nervous, or sick, or oUT oF iT. Then again a Virgoian thing is to be shy, and because I do not see you that often it's hard to tell if you are even interested. All we have is that fateful day you joined me outside and sat, I would like to think that meant something to you.... How do I know? I don't, all there are, are feelings and instincts and way too many other thoughts that I need to keep at bay and keep quiet.
Thursday 23 May 2013
Wednesday 22 May 2013
A few things...
Just some thoughts I feel need to be let out....
Working when you are sick, or feel under well, not the greatest thing..... working is exhausting, much more when one is sick.
I think it's best if I deactivate my facebook account. It's not really doing much for me. It's just there. I think it's a good way to keep in touch with people and network, but all it does is sit there. I have no real need for it.
This is coming from the fact that I recently got removed as a friend on someone's account. Not like it's the end of the world, but it hurts. yes, it is only on facebook, but I don't know, you'd still like to know that you are remembered, or at least thought of..... All those kind of things are left off the hook because they obviously no longer matter.
This one is leaving things on a positive note..... I look forward to the days I get to see you. Every day I work, I think, "Maybe today will be it!" But then my shift ends without a trace of you and it makes me sad.... or it makes me question things.... which may or may not be a good thing.
Working when you are sick, or feel under well, not the greatest thing..... working is exhausting, much more when one is sick.
I think it's best if I deactivate my facebook account. It's not really doing much for me. It's just there. I think it's a good way to keep in touch with people and network, but all it does is sit there. I have no real need for it.
This is coming from the fact that I recently got removed as a friend on someone's account. Not like it's the end of the world, but it hurts. yes, it is only on facebook, but I don't know, you'd still like to know that you are remembered, or at least thought of..... All those kind of things are left off the hook because they obviously no longer matter.
This one is leaving things on a positive note..... I look forward to the days I get to see you. Every day I work, I think, "Maybe today will be it!" But then my shift ends without a trace of you and it makes me sad.... or it makes me question things.... which may or may not be a good thing.
Tuesday 21 May 2013
unNamed
I am so tempted to do a creep search and look you up on facebook.
I am listening to a song from that cd you put together for me a few years back. Thank you. :)
I would like to let you know that I forgive you. From time to time I mull over in my mind, what happened, what were you thinking- whatever the reasons you had for making the decision to not choose me. I forgive you and I thank you. It was honestly not meant to be, between us and the choice you made was the one you made to best serve you for the moment and for the future.
You hear all the time that people come into your life for a reason and you were obviously not meant to stay in mine. And that's okay, we all move on and our souls may or may not connect later, if it serves us.
In short, I wouldn't be here, right now, strong, fearless, wonderfully powerful, ambitious and so much more if events had transpired differently.
Cheryl and you are better suited for each other.
Anyways instead of creeping away on the stupid social network we call facebook. I have decided to come here and write.
C'est la vie. :)
I am listening to a song from that cd you put together for me a few years back. Thank you. :)
I would like to let you know that I forgive you. From time to time I mull over in my mind, what happened, what were you thinking- whatever the reasons you had for making the decision to not choose me. I forgive you and I thank you. It was honestly not meant to be, between us and the choice you made was the one you made to best serve you for the moment and for the future.
You hear all the time that people come into your life for a reason and you were obviously not meant to stay in mine. And that's okay, we all move on and our souls may or may not connect later, if it serves us.
In short, I wouldn't be here, right now, strong, fearless, wonderfully powerful, ambitious and so much more if events had transpired differently.
Cheryl and you are better suited for each other.
Anyways instead of creeping away on the stupid social network we call facebook. I have decided to come here and write.
C'est la vie. :)
Saturday 18 May 2013
Friday 17 May 2013
Perhaps there is too much?
Okay, so I probably shouldn't say this (and so I will) but you make me nervous. Mostly because I do not know what the Universe has in store for us - if anything at all. You come into my life, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and I don't even know what to say about it, about you.
The girl you brought in to the cafe, today with you, "who is she?" I'd like to ask, rather my ego would, ..... Would anyone do that.... really? I didn't think they would, or at least most guys would know that it's a no-no, especially if you like someone who works at the cafe..... Unless you don't? Do you?
Agh, you make me think too much, I make myself think too much....."Quiet mind Natasza, quiet mind!"
Again, I think because I feel the great, almighty, unknown, beautifully mysterious Universe owes me, something, someONE that I think for a second the first guy to come into my life after a long while, is it. At least someone worth knowing. Somebody worth the Universe making our paths cross....There is a reason for everything after all. And I am so curious to find the answers.
Today and the other day, I could use excuses, like on Wednesday I felt sick to my stomach, ill, queazy, nauseous, and today I was in an entirely other mood, but you managed to throw me off with your friend. I didn't even get to say that I hope you have a good long weekend, go see the cherry blossoms in High Park. That's a nice way to spend some time.... Maybe even I'll go. Here I am getting off topic.
Anyways, then there is my mom, filling my head with doubt, not fear, simply doubt about you.... and her first impressions of what she could only hope to recall after remembering seeing you that first day, you came in and we spoke... Perhaps even shared a connection, at least a little attraction? Here's hoping....
Asked by her, a simple request. "What is it about him, my darling that makes you attracted to him?" Simple mom, the attention. I don't get it from others, anyone that I am half interested in anyways. So, it naturally occurs in me, when someone says something nice about me, compliments me. Makes me feel good, pretty, maybe even sexy.... But I know of course I do not need anyone to make me feel that way. I can make myself feel that way....AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS & SEXY. For I am all of these things and so much more, but it is also super cool to have others notice these special and obvious qualities I have. I am complete without anyone else but myself. ANd it is somewhat, almost, if not degrading how much we feel we need the other person to have ourselves be these things....On what level are these things on?
The girl you brought in to the cafe, today with you, "who is she?" I'd like to ask, rather my ego would, ..... Would anyone do that.... really? I didn't think they would, or at least most guys would know that it's a no-no, especially if you like someone who works at the cafe..... Unless you don't? Do you?
Agh, you make me think too much, I make myself think too much....."Quiet mind Natasza, quiet mind!"
Again, I think because I feel the great, almighty, unknown, beautifully mysterious Universe owes me, something, someONE that I think for a second the first guy to come into my life after a long while, is it. At least someone worth knowing. Somebody worth the Universe making our paths cross....There is a reason for everything after all. And I am so curious to find the answers.
Today and the other day, I could use excuses, like on Wednesday I felt sick to my stomach, ill, queazy, nauseous, and today I was in an entirely other mood, but you managed to throw me off with your friend. I didn't even get to say that I hope you have a good long weekend, go see the cherry blossoms in High Park. That's a nice way to spend some time.... Maybe even I'll go. Here I am getting off topic.
Anyways, then there is my mom, filling my head with doubt, not fear, simply doubt about you.... and her first impressions of what she could only hope to recall after remembering seeing you that first day, you came in and we spoke... Perhaps even shared a connection, at least a little attraction? Here's hoping....
Asked by her, a simple request. "What is it about him, my darling that makes you attracted to him?" Simple mom, the attention. I don't get it from others, anyone that I am half interested in anyways. So, it naturally occurs in me, when someone says something nice about me, compliments me. Makes me feel good, pretty, maybe even sexy.... But I know of course I do not need anyone to make me feel that way. I can make myself feel that way....AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS & SEXY. For I am all of these things and so much more, but it is also super cool to have others notice these special and obvious qualities I have. I am complete without anyone else but myself. ANd it is somewhat, almost, if not degrading how much we feel we need the other person to have ourselves be these things....On what level are these things on?
Thursday 16 May 2013
And the good times just keep rollin' .... or so I thought would make a great title!
Today I went for a run today, to wipe away my night last night..... too much stress, I sometimes allow in my life that need not be there.
It felt great to get back on the track, back on track.
With you: This is my sister I am talking about.... I feel that there are still so many changes and transitions she is going through, granted we are all developing from one point to the next but I thought she said that she'd give herself until I am done school. I have been done in over two weeks- Am I to ask you, what's going on?
We are still pretty distant, it seems and I am still not liking it.. When are you going to let me in??? It's kind of killing me. I have space in my heart for you.... I always will but you gotta put in some energy too..... With time I am sure.
It felt great to get back on the track, back on track.
With you: This is my sister I am talking about.... I feel that there are still so many changes and transitions she is going through, granted we are all developing from one point to the next but I thought she said that she'd give herself until I am done school. I have been done in over two weeks- Am I to ask you, what's going on?
We are still pretty distant, it seems and I am still not liking it.. When are you going to let me in??? It's kind of killing me. I have space in my heart for you.... I always will but you gotta put in some energy too..... With time I am sure.
Wednesday 15 May 2013
Are you?..... Am I?....
Have I tainted the memory of who you thought I was, or would be by saying the things I did????
This is the question that will haunt me..... Maybe you are thinking the same thing, of the way you were?
To answer my own assumed question.... Nope, today was just obviously not the greatest of days for us to have an interaction, but thus is life and we did. It was wonderful in it's splendour. I found out a little more there is to know about you and I am excited to learn more....... Until next time, indeed.
Shyness and nervousness, as admirable qualities they can be, we can and will get passed them... I know I felt a little uneasy around you.... Ah, sweet bliss. :)
This is the question that will haunt me..... Maybe you are thinking the same thing, of the way you were?
To answer my own assumed question.... Nope, today was just obviously not the greatest of days for us to have an interaction, but thus is life and we did. It was wonderful in it's splendour. I found out a little more there is to know about you and I am excited to learn more....... Until next time, indeed.
Shyness and nervousness, as admirable qualities they can be, we can and will get passed them... I know I felt a little uneasy around you.... Ah, sweet bliss. :)
Tuesday 14 May 2013
CHOCOLATE is really the food of the Gods.
Eating chocolate is pure bliss. Real, Raw, Organic, Ecuadorian, Heirloom Chocolate is the true food of the Gods. I am on a high right now, from such a purely fantastic day, and chocolate is making it all the better.
Also, How I Met Your Mother.... how did I live without it... so good! :)
Also, How I Met Your Mother.... how did I live without it... so good! :)
Monday 13 May 2013
"There is nothing wrong with wanting more of what we like....
.... The problem is that we can’t always get second helpings. Hunger is good for us. Without them we would become lethargic and languid. So, be thankful for what you do not have. The lack of it is fueling your desire for success."
This was my horoscope for yesterday and it applies so much for my day today.... I was yearning to see YOU. For you to come into the cafe and flirt with me, but you didn't show up..... Then I get a few other guys being interested when I am not at all of them. It's rather presumptuous of me to be jumping to conclusions when all they are is giving me a compliment or wishing to see me outside, in more of a formal setting but I am simply not interested in them, even in a relationship for that matter. I have a rather paradoxical relationship with the concept of "relationship"- I would sincerely like to be with someone, with a right kind of someone, but then again, being in a relationship is such a scary thing.... Anyways..... not seeing you is fuelling my desire to see you... That's it.
Until next time my friend.
This was my horoscope for yesterday and it applies so much for my day today.... I was yearning to see YOU. For you to come into the cafe and flirt with me, but you didn't show up..... Then I get a few other guys being interested when I am not at all of them. It's rather presumptuous of me to be jumping to conclusions when all they are is giving me a compliment or wishing to see me outside, in more of a formal setting but I am simply not interested in them, even in a relationship for that matter. I have a rather paradoxical relationship with the concept of "relationship"- I would sincerely like to be with someone, with a right kind of someone, but then again, being in a relationship is such a scary thing.... Anyways..... not seeing you is fuelling my desire to see you... That's it.
Until next time my friend.
Sunday 12 May 2013
Coolness in the air again...
So today, instead of going for a run, I ate a butter tart, went for a bike ride to my favourite little cafe on the Dupont Strip- Ezra's Pound and bought myself an americano doubleé style avec une brownie delicéux. I didn't end up eating my brownie, in fact, it is still in my bag.... but it's just one of those days you feel like curling up on the couch with a warm blanket, a hot cup of tea, and a book or your favourite movie...
Anyways, it was a nice start to the day... and I decided to get back into the fixing up of my room that I started a redecoration project on last summer. There is so much involvement and dedication needed to complete it. I will with time. I, like my dad started one job and got distracted by starting another job. In relation to the room, I was filling holes in the wall with drywall compound, I got side tracked and started stripping the tiles off the floor. These are really antiquated floor tiles, they are so grimy and dull looking. The glue is coming undone beneath them, which makes them especially easy to strip away. There is this gorgeous hard wood floor that, with a little buff and polish, would look beautiful. I have to conceal my work on the floor though, with the hideous carpet in the room. I have to finish the walls first.
So excited to get it done, or rather, to continue my project. :)
Anyways, it was a nice start to the day... and I decided to get back into the fixing up of my room that I started a redecoration project on last summer. There is so much involvement and dedication needed to complete it. I will with time. I, like my dad started one job and got distracted by starting another job. In relation to the room, I was filling holes in the wall with drywall compound, I got side tracked and started stripping the tiles off the floor. These are really antiquated floor tiles, they are so grimy and dull looking. The glue is coming undone beneath them, which makes them especially easy to strip away. There is this gorgeous hard wood floor that, with a little buff and polish, would look beautiful. I have to conceal my work on the floor though, with the hideous carpet in the room. I have to finish the walls first.
So excited to get it done, or rather, to continue my project. :)
Saturday 11 May 2013
Y-O-U
Yesterday was the day I met you. I do not know who you are really- all I know is your name, what's in a name? And a few other minor facts about your life. But, you are so sweet. I do not know what position you hold or will hold in my life, but you have recently become one of my favourites! :)
Wednesday 8 May 2013
Today was....
Today was more than just beautiful. It was so gorgeously crazy that I almost collapsed!
Today..... :)
This morning was my first time this season going for a run. It felt GREAT. Running in the morning, crisp, when the world is still sleeping... most of the world anyway. When you have the wind in your hair and the fresh breeze behind you... Breathing in the air before sunrise.... totally worth waking up early for...
I smelled rain in the air and that was a nice special treat the Universe brought to me.
The day or morning after the storm, my mom is doing much better. The type of day that could last a long while. Sharing our dreams and hopes for the future... Of what WILL be. :)
It is the kind of day that will be beautiful because I will make it beautiful!
I smelled rain in the air and that was a nice special treat the Universe brought to me.
The day or morning after the storm, my mom is doing much better. The type of day that could last a long while. Sharing our dreams and hopes for the future... Of what WILL be. :)
It is the kind of day that will be beautiful because I will make it beautiful!
A family is not all that it is made out to be.
So..... My liFE!
My dad and my brother are working on the backyard. A project, that was proposed to be a "family project" by my brother by posting a note on the fridge. No verbal communication, simply an 8 by 11 page paper with photos of ideas and a few lines of "let's make this a family summer project." In an effort to work together. Apparently, this was also supposed to be something my sister was intending to work on - to add to her portfolio.... well, that didn't happen. And because of the type of personalities both my brother, but mainly, my dad have, there is this constant attempt to enlist and/or recruit us to help and it is rather a nuisance.
Due to this.... and probably many other factors.... my mom is tremendously in a mood that makes all other of her sour moods, pleasant and tolerable. It's like she has absolutely no rhyme or reason, or motivation to be a mother any longer (according to what she tells me).... the happiness and all the positive energy has been sucked dry from her, all that seems to be left is bitterness, anger and a "don't touch me and get away from me!" kind of mood. It most certainly is not pleasant to be around AT ALL. Self-victimization, an "unworthy" attitude and a vast sense of lack has consumed her (these are the feelings I had last night so the relevance of them today are not at the same level they were last night). Leo Tolstoy was right when he wrote all happy families are alike, all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.... true words, from a true author.
The energy in this house is changing, so dramatically. And as much as I would not like to acknowledge it.... It's also definitely going over hills & plateaus and mountains & valleys of negativity. Because, of the backyard project, my dad who has volunteered himself to help.... My mother and my father are divorced and any kind of involvement my dad has with anything.... my mom just turns into a hateful, resentful person. I don't blame her. There is just so much potential for her to be good, true to herself, happy and not let things bother her, but she does the complete opposite. Rather after today's conversation with her I can just feel the change of things to come..... even in the atmosphere, boy oh boy are things changing.... It's going to rain today!
Anyways, I segwayed..... the energy of this house... There is my space... I love my space. It's sacred to me in it's own right. There is my mom's room, which I try to respect and stay out of for the simple fact of it being her space. There is my sister's living quarters, you know her.... she put a huge curtain up, and it really enhanced and made it all the more evident of the family dynamic that was already present in this household. And then there is my brother's room... No Man's Land.
My sister recently decided to cleanse the air and the space in which she lives by burning sage. A well known and appreciated form of cleansing.... I do it too. In fact I'd like to think that I am the one who started it, so to speak, in this house. I was bothered by her doing it at first. But, I have come to accept it. I mean it's better for her, it's better for us. With her and I, it feels like there is this bubble of invisible sibling rivalry. Nothing dramatic has happened yet, but our competitive natures seem to be bubbling under the surface. I feel like I can talk to and share things with her but it also feels like she is not completely open and willing to share herself with me.... Perhaps this is a little bit of the self projection coming through. Where I feel she is a certain way but it is only because I am that way and have not yet come to terms with that part of my being. So, there is that energy... the energy of all relationships in this house carry different weights and are naturally different.
But everything changes when doors slam, swearwords are every other words out of peoples' mouths, the communication is in a state of constant lack. And respect, decency and deliverance are no where to be found.
And a new day has begun....
My dad and my brother are working on the backyard. A project, that was proposed to be a "family project" by my brother by posting a note on the fridge. No verbal communication, simply an 8 by 11 page paper with photos of ideas and a few lines of "let's make this a family summer project." In an effort to work together. Apparently, this was also supposed to be something my sister was intending to work on - to add to her portfolio.... well, that didn't happen. And because of the type of personalities both my brother, but mainly, my dad have, there is this constant attempt to enlist and/or recruit us to help and it is rather a nuisance.
Due to this.... and probably many other factors.... my mom is tremendously in a mood that makes all other of her sour moods, pleasant and tolerable. It's like she has absolutely no rhyme or reason, or motivation to be a mother any longer (according to what she tells me).... the happiness and all the positive energy has been sucked dry from her, all that seems to be left is bitterness, anger and a "don't touch me and get away from me!" kind of mood. It most certainly is not pleasant to be around AT ALL. Self-victimization, an "unworthy" attitude and a vast sense of lack has consumed her (these are the feelings I had last night so the relevance of them today are not at the same level they were last night). Leo Tolstoy was right when he wrote all happy families are alike, all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.... true words, from a true author.
The energy in this house is changing, so dramatically. And as much as I would not like to acknowledge it.... It's also definitely going over hills & plateaus and mountains & valleys of negativity. Because, of the backyard project, my dad who has volunteered himself to help.... My mother and my father are divorced and any kind of involvement my dad has with anything.... my mom just turns into a hateful, resentful person. I don't blame her. There is just so much potential for her to be good, true to herself, happy and not let things bother her, but she does the complete opposite. Rather after today's conversation with her I can just feel the change of things to come..... even in the atmosphere, boy oh boy are things changing.... It's going to rain today!
Anyways, I segwayed..... the energy of this house... There is my space... I love my space. It's sacred to me in it's own right. There is my mom's room, which I try to respect and stay out of for the simple fact of it being her space. There is my sister's living quarters, you know her.... she put a huge curtain up, and it really enhanced and made it all the more evident of the family dynamic that was already present in this household. And then there is my brother's room... No Man's Land.
My sister recently decided to cleanse the air and the space in which she lives by burning sage. A well known and appreciated form of cleansing.... I do it too. In fact I'd like to think that I am the one who started it, so to speak, in this house. I was bothered by her doing it at first. But, I have come to accept it. I mean it's better for her, it's better for us. With her and I, it feels like there is this bubble of invisible sibling rivalry. Nothing dramatic has happened yet, but our competitive natures seem to be bubbling under the surface. I feel like I can talk to and share things with her but it also feels like she is not completely open and willing to share herself with me.... Perhaps this is a little bit of the self projection coming through. Where I feel she is a certain way but it is only because I am that way and have not yet come to terms with that part of my being. So, there is that energy... the energy of all relationships in this house carry different weights and are naturally different.
But everything changes when doors slam, swearwords are every other words out of peoples' mouths, the communication is in a state of constant lack. And respect, decency and deliverance are no where to be found.
And a new day has begun....
Saturday 4 May 2013
The Smells of Spring
The other day as I was on my way to work, I breathed in so deeply that my lungs thanked me. I guess, I just do not breath in that deep, like ever. Anyways, what ensued was rather quite remarkable. It was a parade of smells that woke up my senses from the dry, cold, loooong winter that ended, just a short while ago, or so it would seem with the weather we had been getting over the past weeks. The Spring Equinox this year was actually about 2 months ago.
First, it was the summer breeze, the kind that makes everything smell good, the trees and their newly arrived blossoms, the growing grass, the air, the clouds, the sky.... It all just comes together in this wonderful array of scents that are far beyond complimenting words.... It's the experience that needs to be sought. And that day on my bike, as a rode down a street that willfully and beautifully reminds me of a time I met a falcon, I acknowledged and recognized the gorgeousness of the day and made a mental note, "Today, it is Spring! :)"
Next, it was a jogger.... Usually one expects joggers to smell like blood, sweat and tears, but this one smelled pleasantly like he had just taken a shower and decidedly went for a run.... For lack of a better word, delicious. A few other guys happened to smell nice too, a few days following.
Freshly cooked/seared/BBQed meat is the final smell that hit me like a tidal wave. Indicating Spring's arrival. Now, it's worth mentioning that I am a vegetarian, more properly put, a recently resigned flexitarian- I ate chicken once after going a long time without and it made my body ill. I am health food crazed & obsessed. I eat fish, eggs and dairy, and all things veggie. I love fruits and shakes. I am an organic raw chocoholic. I bike, I run (or will start soon), I walk. I love Nature, I am your notorious tree hugger. I am a natural livist - In short, I treat my body well and try my best to appreciate the Earth that created me.
So, when I smelled this amazing meat that had just been prepared for consumption I was a little shocked that my primal senses urged me to acknowledge it's presence. It is something that my body is not used to. By the way, I think it was pork, or beef. Red meat I will not touch. But it was a smell that came to me and reminded me of all the good times that Spring can bring.... long afternoons sipping lemonade in the backyard, turned into evenings of bbqing with family and friends.
Spring.... (take a deep breath) mmhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhh, it's here!
First, it was the summer breeze, the kind that makes everything smell good, the trees and their newly arrived blossoms, the growing grass, the air, the clouds, the sky.... It all just comes together in this wonderful array of scents that are far beyond complimenting words.... It's the experience that needs to be sought. And that day on my bike, as a rode down a street that willfully and beautifully reminds me of a time I met a falcon, I acknowledged and recognized the gorgeousness of the day and made a mental note, "Today, it is Spring! :)"
Next, it was a jogger.... Usually one expects joggers to smell like blood, sweat and tears, but this one smelled pleasantly like he had just taken a shower and decidedly went for a run.... For lack of a better word, delicious. A few other guys happened to smell nice too, a few days following.
Freshly cooked/seared/BBQed meat is the final smell that hit me like a tidal wave. Indicating Spring's arrival. Now, it's worth mentioning that I am a vegetarian, more properly put, a recently resigned flexitarian- I ate chicken once after going a long time without and it made my body ill. I am health food crazed & obsessed. I eat fish, eggs and dairy, and all things veggie. I love fruits and shakes. I am an organic raw chocoholic. I bike, I run (or will start soon), I walk. I love Nature, I am your notorious tree hugger. I am a natural livist - In short, I treat my body well and try my best to appreciate the Earth that created me.
So, when I smelled this amazing meat that had just been prepared for consumption I was a little shocked that my primal senses urged me to acknowledge it's presence. It is something that my body is not used to. By the way, I think it was pork, or beef. Red meat I will not touch. But it was a smell that came to me and reminded me of all the good times that Spring can bring.... long afternoons sipping lemonade in the backyard, turned into evenings of bbqing with family and friends.
Spring.... (take a deep breath) mmhhhhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhh, it's here!
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