Sometimes I find myself thinking forever more that I would be happy if I were in a relationship. I know that I have so much that I can offer someone... a partner. But I also know how Divinely guided the Universe is and that everything happens for a reason and in me not finding someone yet suitable for me, is all part of the plan the Universe has for me and my significant other. As much as I think about and focus on desiring a relationship... I know it will happen when the time is right. I've just gotta be patient and trust the Universe.
I do find though, more often than not when I notice how happily together others appear, it makes me wonder When will my special person come into my life? Really Universe? I'm 24 years beautiful. I have to remind myself... in due time.... It's frustrating, especially when I think that being involved with someone will be a huge problem solver. hA.. I know it won't be... there are so many people out there that are unhappy in their relationships, and I am not seeking unhappiness. I'm seeking BLISS with another person, pure unadulterated BLISS.... In any case... it's hard work... K* said that it'll happen, soon, for me and that it's not as easy as it looks... I realize and know this... and it's something else entirely to truly know yourself first and foremost. I need this relationship with myself to continue to grow & flourish, so that when the time is right I will be open and willing. How can one be with someone else, if they don't know how to be with themselves first???? This to me is the larger and far more important question....
It's halloween after all. Time to embrace and rejoice in all the glory that is existence and life itself, as we know it and have come to know and understand it, because of all those that came before us and all those that will come after us... I honour you.
Chi Mig-wetch Universe.
*name altered
Thursday 31 October 2013
Friday 18 October 2013
Hi Universe
OH Great Creator,
Thank you so much for the gift of Nature to be wit me this time of month.
Love.
Chi-mig-wetch!
For all that have no idea what I am talking about, my period. I received flow yesterday and the reason I am happy is because my last sexual encounter brought with it a little smidgen of doubt. There was a point during that I wasn't sure of.... but the Universe has brought with it strength, courage, trust and assurance. The Universe is always on my side, doing things in my favour.....SO happy right now!
Embrace the day that is.... in all it's beauty. :)
Thank you so much for the gift of Nature to be wit me this time of month.
Love.
Chi-mig-wetch!
For all that have no idea what I am talking about, my period. I received flow yesterday and the reason I am happy is because my last sexual encounter brought with it a little smidgen of doubt. There was a point during that I wasn't sure of.... but the Universe has brought with it strength, courage, trust and assurance. The Universe is always on my side, doing things in my favour.....SO happy right now!
Embrace the day that is.... in all it's beauty. :)
Tuesday 15 October 2013
Gratefulness & friends
This weekend here in Canada, was our Thanksgiving. My family no longer celebrates it, which I would like to change when I have kids. Instead, I went to my friends Thanksgiving. I've been there before, a few years back. This time it was different, Jyann*, another friend came with. :) The more the merrier, right?
Jyann*, Larena* and I, met up the previous day to make a sweet potato pie. We made the pie at my dad's place.... First time I've brought friends home to meet him and later my mom too. Divorced parents.... It wasn't bad, it went well and they seemed to really enjoy the parts of my life that I keep hidden.... Although, it's open to anyone who is interested and who I feel I have a good enough relationship with, to share it.
They're presence, in sharing with them my life, has made me feel like I am very fortunate. I have space- my own space, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a bike, everything I need for the time being and I am really grateful for it all. Sometimes, more often than not, I take for granted my parents and the love we share, but the truth is I love them completely and in a word, "owe" my life to them. I don't like to use the term, "owe" because it is language that indicates repayment back to someone and I am in no position, nor do I wish to be, of debt.. like I have an outstanding debt to them. They brought me up, help me become the person I am today and for that I am forever thankful. Them being my parents I love them unconditionally and I intend to help take care of them the way they have taken care of me, when the time is right.
It's not always easy to see what you have when you have it, instead it's easier for things to get out of hand and for you to get angry and caught up in a rush of emotions that do not serve you, even momentarily. and None of that is significant, because really what it comes down to is LOVE, love, LOVE.
From this day forward I will try to be more appreciative with what kind of life I do lead and be more LOVE-ing
I value the friendship and connection I have with these Jyann* and Larena*, very special friends. Space.... that theme has been prevalent in my life recently and it came up again yesterday, we as separate entities embodying the structures of our respective BEings, interpret and understand things differently, share in different/similar beliefs, hold various values in reverence, etc. and we all need space to be alone. That is what seemed like it was taking place.... Jyann* and I, while we were at Larena's* aunt's place (where Thanksgiving dinner was being hosted) it felt like we were the "outsiders".... at least to me a little bit, but it's not about being baby-sitted with those that brought us there 24/7 or, until we leave. But it's about us feeling comfortable in BEing alone there, while enjoying the company of others. In that, I would need to change my mindset also, as "outsiders" doesn't exist, and is a creation of my own mind that needs definitely to be nullified & negated.
These ladies are my hippie friends, free love all around the table, for everyone! They're spirits are vast and wonderful. I love and respect them. However they make me question things within myself, like, a certain mindset or beliefs that I need to drop or, a feeling or state of BEing that I have carried with me for a while and is essencly (this is a newly created word that needs to be used here!) a part of me. they make me call into question my LIFE. While it can be quite productive and effortful, it is also something that I am not ready for.... just yet anyway. It takes time to realize that where I am is not where I'd like to be and figure out changes that need to take place in my life. Often that is simply, Trail and error. Timing is everything, yes, time is a social construct and our beliefs around it are again, something that need to be altered but the time in my life, will come where I will need to think about this, and think about that....Not now. It will come up thoroughly when it needs to come up, perhaps I am also trying to put it off?
I've gotten the ball rolling with ideas as to what is to come within the next 6 months of my life... a world of possibilities. :)
I need to deal with me first... knowing myself, what I would like, my abilities, my joys, my pains, EVERYTHING! I need to figure it all out and BE or, DO it and drop what no longer serves me! That time is January and thereafter..... :)
Some other feelings I have had about Larena* and Jyann*, mostly about Jyann* though are those of envy and conceit. I get a sense of self-rightenousness from her. Sometimes when I tell her things, I need to be selective because of my non BEing where she is in Life - reaching a lot of realizations or having those within herself. She comes off as complacent and it makes me feel inadequate..... those are generally not feelings I'd like to have. and I need to loose that line of thinking... but again, for the time being it's a part of me. I can't help feel the way I feel.
I also feel a little jealous with how close her and Larena* are. I met Larena* first and since she's moved out of the city Jyann* and her have met and become excruciatingly close. I believe in horoscopes and they are a Gemini and Sagitarrius respectively and air feeds fire so, it is only natural & befitting that they would be close.... Especially closer than myself and Larena* or, myself and Jyann*. There is also, not always something to talk about.... which is completely fine and comfortable. People do not always have to be talking or conversing. Communication is happening in other ways too. :) The closeness Larena* and Jyann* have, bothers me because I haven't found my counterpart yet.... it's almost like, "Dear Universe, when?" But limiting beliefs that prevent me from living NOW.
So, that is this segment of my life.... the pie was alright!
* name altered
Jyann*, Larena* and I, met up the previous day to make a sweet potato pie. We made the pie at my dad's place.... First time I've brought friends home to meet him and later my mom too. Divorced parents.... It wasn't bad, it went well and they seemed to really enjoy the parts of my life that I keep hidden.... Although, it's open to anyone who is interested and who I feel I have a good enough relationship with, to share it.
They're presence, in sharing with them my life, has made me feel like I am very fortunate. I have space- my own space, a family that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a bike, everything I need for the time being and I am really grateful for it all. Sometimes, more often than not, I take for granted my parents and the love we share, but the truth is I love them completely and in a word, "owe" my life to them. I don't like to use the term, "owe" because it is language that indicates repayment back to someone and I am in no position, nor do I wish to be, of debt.. like I have an outstanding debt to them. They brought me up, help me become the person I am today and for that I am forever thankful. Them being my parents I love them unconditionally and I intend to help take care of them the way they have taken care of me, when the time is right.
It's not always easy to see what you have when you have it, instead it's easier for things to get out of hand and for you to get angry and caught up in a rush of emotions that do not serve you, even momentarily. and None of that is significant, because really what it comes down to is LOVE, love, LOVE.
From this day forward I will try to be more appreciative with what kind of life I do lead and be more LOVE-ing
I value the friendship and connection I have with these Jyann* and Larena*, very special friends. Space.... that theme has been prevalent in my life recently and it came up again yesterday, we as separate entities embodying the structures of our respective BEings, interpret and understand things differently, share in different/similar beliefs, hold various values in reverence, etc. and we all need space to be alone. That is what seemed like it was taking place.... Jyann* and I, while we were at Larena's* aunt's place (where Thanksgiving dinner was being hosted) it felt like we were the "outsiders".... at least to me a little bit, but it's not about being baby-sitted with those that brought us there 24/7 or, until we leave. But it's about us feeling comfortable in BEing alone there, while enjoying the company of others. In that, I would need to change my mindset also, as "outsiders" doesn't exist, and is a creation of my own mind that needs definitely to be nullified & negated.
These ladies are my hippie friends, free love all around the table, for everyone! They're spirits are vast and wonderful. I love and respect them. However they make me question things within myself, like, a certain mindset or beliefs that I need to drop or, a feeling or state of BEing that I have carried with me for a while and is essencly (this is a newly created word that needs to be used here!) a part of me. they make me call into question my LIFE. While it can be quite productive and effortful, it is also something that I am not ready for.... just yet anyway. It takes time to realize that where I am is not where I'd like to be and figure out changes that need to take place in my life. Often that is simply, Trail and error. Timing is everything, yes, time is a social construct and our beliefs around it are again, something that need to be altered but the time in my life, will come where I will need to think about this, and think about that....Not now. It will come up thoroughly when it needs to come up, perhaps I am also trying to put it off?
I've gotten the ball rolling with ideas as to what is to come within the next 6 months of my life... a world of possibilities. :)
I need to deal with me first... knowing myself, what I would like, my abilities, my joys, my pains, EVERYTHING! I need to figure it all out and BE or, DO it and drop what no longer serves me! That time is January and thereafter..... :)
Some other feelings I have had about Larena* and Jyann*, mostly about Jyann* though are those of envy and conceit. I get a sense of self-rightenousness from her. Sometimes when I tell her things, I need to be selective because of my non BEing where she is in Life - reaching a lot of realizations or having those within herself. She comes off as complacent and it makes me feel inadequate..... those are generally not feelings I'd like to have. and I need to loose that line of thinking... but again, for the time being it's a part of me. I can't help feel the way I feel.
I also feel a little jealous with how close her and Larena* are. I met Larena* first and since she's moved out of the city Jyann* and her have met and become excruciatingly close. I believe in horoscopes and they are a Gemini and Sagitarrius respectively and air feeds fire so, it is only natural & befitting that they would be close.... Especially closer than myself and Larena* or, myself and Jyann*. There is also, not always something to talk about.... which is completely fine and comfortable. People do not always have to be talking or conversing. Communication is happening in other ways too. :) The closeness Larena* and Jyann* have, bothers me because I haven't found my counterpart yet.... it's almost like, "Dear Universe, when?" But limiting beliefs that prevent me from living NOW.
So, that is this segment of my life.... the pie was alright!
* name altered
Friday 11 October 2013
Is this my wake up call?
Hurts.... I have loved you ever since I learned of your existence....
And you are most certainly making a come-back in my life. :) Thank you for this blessing.
Chi-mig-wetch
And you are most certainly making a come-back in my life. :) Thank you for this blessing.
Chi-mig-wetch
Thursday 10 October 2013
It takes two...
in happiness, in sadness, in sickness and in health for better, for worse, I will love you.
I wear two rings on my ring finger on my left hand. It's all for the Universe I tell myself. They are both indicative of my love for the Great Mystery that is life, until of course, I meet that special person. Sometimes, because at most times it feels like a one person partnership. I know that it wholly is not. I feel incredibly alone.... Sure I talk to my beloved, but at times when I am feeling a little lost. It gets to be challenging when no-one physically is there to comfort me, but for better, for worse right?...I know that the Universe is on my side, always doing things that work out in my favour, I just gotta start believing that and living more in EVERY single moment as opposed to focussed on the past or future.
I wear two rings on my ring finger on my left hand. It's all for the Universe I tell myself. They are both indicative of my love for the Great Mystery that is life, until of course, I meet that special person. Sometimes, because at most times it feels like a one person partnership. I know that it wholly is not. I feel incredibly alone.... Sure I talk to my beloved, but at times when I am feeling a little lost. It gets to be challenging when no-one physically is there to comfort me, but for better, for worse right?...I know that the Universe is on my side, always doing things that work out in my favour, I just gotta start believing that and living more in EVERY single moment as opposed to focussed on the past or future.
Wednesday 9 October 2013
Close but no cigar....
I've been feeling stags of loneliness over the last few days... probably actually ever since my latest sexual encounter, however more so prominently over the past three days- since Monday! Surprise, surprise since Angelica* told me that news.
I looked on craigslist. In the personal ads for something that could provide comfort... I found one that was promising and I wrote, was in the process of writing, an email response to someone new... to start something new... a friendship perhaps, or possibly more.... But I stopped myself. I remember the last time I did that I promised myself that I would not allow myself to do it again.... Meeting someone online can be exhilarating, all the good feelings, but it can also be tremendously scary and not at all fulfilling. I wouldn't like to do that to myself, again.... I love ME too much. So instead I opted for the path of least resistance, the one where I am dancing for joy because BLISS and LOVE are all there needs to be in life.... As much as I would love to connect with someone new, I also need to do some, A LOT of self-discovery.... more so than I can fathom completely.
Music that is getting me through this drought, dry-spell, this trial of life is courtesy of Angels and Airwaves.... One in particular
I looked on craigslist. In the personal ads for something that could provide comfort... I found one that was promising and I wrote, was in the process of writing, an email response to someone new... to start something new... a friendship perhaps, or possibly more.... But I stopped myself. I remember the last time I did that I promised myself that I would not allow myself to do it again.... Meeting someone online can be exhilarating, all the good feelings, but it can also be tremendously scary and not at all fulfilling. I wouldn't like to do that to myself, again.... I love ME too much. So instead I opted for the path of least resistance, the one where I am dancing for joy because BLISS and LOVE are all there needs to be in life.... As much as I would love to connect with someone new, I also need to do some, A LOT of self-discovery.... more so than I can fathom completely.
Music that is getting me through this drought, dry-spell, this trial of life is courtesy of Angels and Airwaves.... One in particular
* name altered
This is it.....
So things in my life seem to be intense, or a little bit too much for me to handle right now- so intense, by my standards.
I've been too caught up with facebook, my phone (even though no one really texts me) and I've made a decision to be apart and without these meaningless tools for a while... Sure, I'll still check my facebook account, my phone for messages (I have plans this Thanksgiving weekend with a friend and I will need to be able to reach her).... and even for an alarm clock in the morning, but I need to be with myself.... just with myself.... For a while.... really!!!!
Last night I talked with my dad and it was a difficult conversation full of emotion and impulsive reactions.... I need to really focus on decompressing and meditation- so that the mechanics and dynamics of last night's conversation do not replay themselves.
That package I bought myself this summer, for my birthday, I'm going to put it to good use and start implementing it.... This morning, you know how incredible it can feel to wake up with excitement, love and happiness? Well, I don't really have that with me right now, so I'm going to go shower, head to the University and complete this assignment I have due Friday than come home to do more work and really pick and choose which meditations I would like to follow within the next little while.... set goals and ambitions and Thrive.
I'm sick of feeling crappy. I know it's a choice and I'm going to change that for the better.
I'm by myself, so I'm going to really be by myself and see what happens, see how things start changing.... this has obviously been in the workings for a really long time, and its time I start releasing and focusing it.... I'm done with mindless BS. Things that no longer serve me. I'm ready to start listening to my heart-of-hearts and BEcoming who I am meant to BEcome, BEcoming one with Source, ..... my path is this.
I've been too caught up with facebook, my phone (even though no one really texts me) and I've made a decision to be apart and without these meaningless tools for a while... Sure, I'll still check my facebook account, my phone for messages (I have plans this Thanksgiving weekend with a friend and I will need to be able to reach her).... and even for an alarm clock in the morning, but I need to be with myself.... just with myself.... For a while.... really!!!!
Last night I talked with my dad and it was a difficult conversation full of emotion and impulsive reactions.... I need to really focus on decompressing and meditation- so that the mechanics and dynamics of last night's conversation do not replay themselves.
That package I bought myself this summer, for my birthday, I'm going to put it to good use and start implementing it.... This morning, you know how incredible it can feel to wake up with excitement, love and happiness? Well, I don't really have that with me right now, so I'm going to go shower, head to the University and complete this assignment I have due Friday than come home to do more work and really pick and choose which meditations I would like to follow within the next little while.... set goals and ambitions and Thrive.
I'm sick of feeling crappy. I know it's a choice and I'm going to change that for the better.
I'm by myself, so I'm going to really be by myself and see what happens, see how things start changing.... this has obviously been in the workings for a really long time, and its time I start releasing and focusing it.... I'm done with mindless BS. Things that no longer serve me. I'm ready to start listening to my heart-of-hearts and BEcoming who I am meant to BEcome, BEcoming one with Source, ..... my path is this.
Tuesday 8 October 2013
Angelica* and Tom*
hmmmm, Angelica* I love you. And I very much enjoyed our time together today. As much as I feel a year ago I would have been hurt with the information you shared with me today, I could not be more happy. I love that you are happy. No regrets, right? WE are all where we need to be on our paths....
Today I saw a friend from a place I used to work at. We go to the same University and it had been a while since we last spoke to one another and caught up. She tells me that her and I guy I used to like are dating..... smile inducing ALL over. I have absolutely no hard feelings for either of them. They're happy, I'm happy. And I'm in a place right now where all I would like to do is love everyone. I feel an itch to be intimate with people too. Something my body is craving to explore.
I wrote the former portion of this post yesterday.
I am writing the latter portion of this post NOW. Today, I don't feel different however, there are just some things I feel need to also be mentioned. 1.) Guilt, I feel the guilt Angelica* felt is the something that brought us together- that instigated the get-together, she had to tell me about her and Tom*, otherwise the guilt would eat away at her... couldn't have that could we?- Guilt is something that is apart of the ego, and it's a drive to survive, because of the fear that if it is not taken care of, the ego will be annihilated. It's a very selfish emotion. I personally prefer to get together with someone because of the good feelings that are shared between us, not for anything presumably bad happening, or a feeling a guilt. I feel like it was such a botched plan...I actually feel a little hurt that the main reason why she was interested in hanging out was because of this. But, it is over and I reacted how I reacted and that's all. It's perhaps something that she needs to work on as that is where she is in her life right now.
2.) Confidence, I know there is a place where Angelica* feels so insecure and self conscious and I would love for her to really step out of that doldrum of the mind, but again I am making a plenty of inference. Again, it' something that requires work and it's easier said than done, as well as something of what she needs to work through. 3.) Too open..... this is the part that gets me every time... I feel as though I AM too open with people, especially when her and I have drifted, and after yesterday's meeting, I feel we will possibly even continue to drift (and that's okay with me). But the information I share... hahaha when I get started I guess because I crave understanding from others that it's like a switch that is stubbornly ON as opposed to the easy to shut off switch. Areas of my life do not need to be shared with the entire world and I need to learn to shut off and partially shut down when I am asked to share.... Even though many people in my life, listen.... I've had enough. Maybe this is one of the bigger lessons I need to learn. After all everything that happens, happens with a Devine purpose in mind and me constantly being the one to talk or talk a lot, is exactly what needs to happen at that time. And yesterday was attestament to how reserved I do need to be with certain individuals. Angelica* and Tom*, according to her, feed off each other. They are both air signs and it makes me somewhat sad that I have not found my Prince Charming yet (key word, my- as he will be Prince Charming according to my standards). Anyways so yes, a little envy, or perhaps coveting, even that though I need to feel and release because being jealous has no purpose in my life and is a waste of good, valuable energy that could otherwise be used positively.
There is a question that runs through my mind as well, "Would she stop seeing him if I was upset?" After all, we are not that close to justify an end of something that makes her happy. She owes me nothing.... But again, something that doesn't necessarily make sense to question being I responded the way I did and that is it!
All of life is great, and we shall see what the Universe has in store for me! :)
* name altered
Today I saw a friend from a place I used to work at. We go to the same University and it had been a while since we last spoke to one another and caught up. She tells me that her and I guy I used to like are dating..... smile inducing ALL over. I have absolutely no hard feelings for either of them. They're happy, I'm happy. And I'm in a place right now where all I would like to do is love everyone. I feel an itch to be intimate with people too. Something my body is craving to explore.
I wrote the former portion of this post yesterday.
I am writing the latter portion of this post NOW. Today, I don't feel different however, there are just some things I feel need to also be mentioned. 1.) Guilt, I feel the guilt Angelica* felt is the something that brought us together- that instigated the get-together, she had to tell me about her and Tom*, otherwise the guilt would eat away at her... couldn't have that could we?- Guilt is something that is apart of the ego, and it's a drive to survive, because of the fear that if it is not taken care of, the ego will be annihilated. It's a very selfish emotion. I personally prefer to get together with someone because of the good feelings that are shared between us, not for anything presumably bad happening, or a feeling a guilt. I feel like it was such a botched plan...I actually feel a little hurt that the main reason why she was interested in hanging out was because of this. But, it is over and I reacted how I reacted and that's all. It's perhaps something that she needs to work on as that is where she is in her life right now.
2.) Confidence, I know there is a place where Angelica* feels so insecure and self conscious and I would love for her to really step out of that doldrum of the mind, but again I am making a plenty of inference. Again, it' something that requires work and it's easier said than done, as well as something of what she needs to work through. 3.) Too open..... this is the part that gets me every time... I feel as though I AM too open with people, especially when her and I have drifted, and after yesterday's meeting, I feel we will possibly even continue to drift (and that's okay with me). But the information I share... hahaha when I get started I guess because I crave understanding from others that it's like a switch that is stubbornly ON as opposed to the easy to shut off switch. Areas of my life do not need to be shared with the entire world and I need to learn to shut off and partially shut down when I am asked to share.... Even though many people in my life, listen.... I've had enough. Maybe this is one of the bigger lessons I need to learn. After all everything that happens, happens with a Devine purpose in mind and me constantly being the one to talk or talk a lot, is exactly what needs to happen at that time. And yesterday was attestament to how reserved I do need to be with certain individuals. Angelica* and Tom*, according to her, feed off each other. They are both air signs and it makes me somewhat sad that I have not found my Prince Charming yet (key word, my- as he will be Prince Charming according to my standards). Anyways so yes, a little envy, or perhaps coveting, even that though I need to feel and release because being jealous has no purpose in my life and is a waste of good, valuable energy that could otherwise be used positively.
There is a question that runs through my mind as well, "Would she stop seeing him if I was upset?" After all, we are not that close to justify an end of something that makes her happy. She owes me nothing.... But again, something that doesn't necessarily make sense to question being I responded the way I did and that is it!
All of life is great, and we shall see what the Universe has in store for me! :)
* name altered
Friday 4 October 2013
The past to no feeling....
Last night I was watching Vampire Diaries, addictedly.... I was on the episode after Elena Gilbert turns off her feelings..... this part resonated.... mostly because of my neutrality of things over the past while... Last night I also went through to the past and found my way to someone's facebook page.... the person I mentioned in an earlier post... of me not caring how happy he was with and in his current relationship, with that girl after he went out with me one time (this sounds so petty).... And I looked at their pictures. I felt nothing, in fact their happiness was infectious and made me smile right through to my heart. There are no hard feelings toward either of them..... Perhaps there is a part of me that envies their relationship because I would love to be in one, but.... that is not where I am right now. In my life I am currently in a place of LOVE for everyone and everything, especially my brothers and sisters the trees, clouds, animals, and all another BEings that dwell on the Earth plain.
I was talking to my mom about my weekend in Peterborough and after my last encounter with the opposite sex, I really feel like I can just be with anybody and be comfortable with that, you know? Sex it up.
That guy Darren*, from this summer... I ran into him today and he asked for my number, I gave it hesitantly.... who knows what is to happen... all I know is that I am where I need to be. I try not to think of the past too much, or care not of it. I look and live for the moment and try to make all the minutes of the day count.
Chi-mig-wetch! :)
I was talking to my mom about my weekend in Peterborough and after my last encounter with the opposite sex, I really feel like I can just be with anybody and be comfortable with that, you know? Sex it up.
That guy Darren*, from this summer... I ran into him today and he asked for my number, I gave it hesitantly.... who knows what is to happen... all I know is that I am where I need to be. I try not to think of the past too much, or care not of it. I look and live for the moment and try to make all the minutes of the day count.
Chi-mig-wetch! :)
Thursday 3 October 2013
You're still on my mind.
I'm thinking about you.... if I am still doing this within the next few days, there is no other thing for me to do but to let you know.... I hope all is well with you and that your life is where you'd like it be, where you need it to be!
Smiles and love
Smiles and love
Wednesday 2 October 2013
Hippie Weekend in the Sun.... and emptiness
Hmmmm, so there is a lot to say.... A lot I feel needs to be said... my life is splashed on to these postings...
This weekend... I had sex with a friend. I almost really don't know what to say as I am at a loss for words. He put me in this matrix and told me I may do things I wouldn't normally do (was this part of his plan? Did he even have a plan- I know it's cruel of me to possibly even consider these questions, but... Either way I take responsibility, I was there, it was my choice, I feel all different now though. Especially since he is atypical from the men I am usually attracted to... there was one part that simply drew me in.)....Anyways, second sexual partner, unexpected, wonderful, loving, caring, all that someone could ask for... there is something that I feel is undoubtedly missing. He is a really beautiful person and I could feel that. Aside from that the whole experience has made me feel, a lot more.... So let me list some things I've discovered and learned from this experience, as all experiences earn you lessons, to move up and on with your life.
1.) I value relationships, while there are many different relationships one can have and for that matter, not have, in their life. I value the kind of relationship that one has in partnerships, companionships, marriage, togetherness, whatever one would like to call them. One-on-one, personal, intimate, beyond love, spiritual solidification of one's feelings for another. I do not, nor will I ever feel differently in this life about polygamy. I am without any hesitation a monogamist. So in this experience having someone to just have sex with, well it satisfied a need, but that comfort in knowing you are with someone for more than that physical act was simply not there.
2.) Communication. I also learned that while my sexual naivety can be construed as sexy or hot, or just attractive, it is also something that I do not desire. The strong person that I know I am outside of that environment needs to be present in the bedroom. She does, she just totally needs to be there- there is no contestation. Along with that strength there is a confidence that is so powerful that needs to be there too, and without the alcohol. I need to rip off that band-aid and be raw, animalistic, physical and yet interwoven with the other person that lets them know how deeply I feel for them. A feeling that can only truly be had in a LOVE relationship.Wow, I'm getting off topic a little bit. In terms of the confidence, I will get there. I know I will.. Patience is just a part of it and I also have no idea how many other attractive people the Universe will put in front of me- along my path that will help me bring it out. I don't feel I am meant to have many relationships. Sexual partners, well, practice makes perfect, right the more you have, the better at it you become.... This time around I realized how sexually shy I am. I don't verbalize things that need verbalization. That was an occurrence with the first guy too, but this experience made it more prevalent. I need to learn how to communicate better with the words I have within me.
3.) I think this is my final point. Emptiness. Since there was a lack of relationship so evident in this sexual encounter, I feel like the something missing is equivalent to the "emptiness". And that emptiness is the relationship I desire to be in one day, Hopefully soon. Third time is a charm.... and by this I mean third sexual partner is a charm... C'mon Universe, I implore you. I love thee nonetheless. Ah, what a synchronistic. This is so beautifully pleasant. I love it.
Wow, way to end off with a bang. 3... that's such a powerful number! Ah! :)
Chi-mig-wetch! :)
This weekend... I had sex with a friend. I almost really don't know what to say as I am at a loss for words. He put me in this matrix and told me I may do things I wouldn't normally do (was this part of his plan? Did he even have a plan- I know it's cruel of me to possibly even consider these questions, but... Either way I take responsibility, I was there, it was my choice, I feel all different now though. Especially since he is atypical from the men I am usually attracted to... there was one part that simply drew me in.)....Anyways, second sexual partner, unexpected, wonderful, loving, caring, all that someone could ask for... there is something that I feel is undoubtedly missing. He is a really beautiful person and I could feel that. Aside from that the whole experience has made me feel, a lot more.... So let me list some things I've discovered and learned from this experience, as all experiences earn you lessons, to move up and on with your life.
1.) I value relationships, while there are many different relationships one can have and for that matter, not have, in their life. I value the kind of relationship that one has in partnerships, companionships, marriage, togetherness, whatever one would like to call them. One-on-one, personal, intimate, beyond love, spiritual solidification of one's feelings for another. I do not, nor will I ever feel differently in this life about polygamy. I am without any hesitation a monogamist. So in this experience having someone to just have sex with, well it satisfied a need, but that comfort in knowing you are with someone for more than that physical act was simply not there.
2.) Communication. I also learned that while my sexual naivety can be construed as sexy or hot, or just attractive, it is also something that I do not desire. The strong person that I know I am outside of that environment needs to be present in the bedroom. She does, she just totally needs to be there- there is no contestation. Along with that strength there is a confidence that is so powerful that needs to be there too, and without the alcohol. I need to rip off that band-aid and be raw, animalistic, physical and yet interwoven with the other person that lets them know how deeply I feel for them. A feeling that can only truly be had in a LOVE relationship.Wow, I'm getting off topic a little bit. In terms of the confidence, I will get there. I know I will.. Patience is just a part of it and I also have no idea how many other attractive people the Universe will put in front of me- along my path that will help me bring it out. I don't feel I am meant to have many relationships. Sexual partners, well, practice makes perfect, right the more you have, the better at it you become.... This time around I realized how sexually shy I am. I don't verbalize things that need verbalization. That was an occurrence with the first guy too, but this experience made it more prevalent. I need to learn how to communicate better with the words I have within me.
3.) I think this is my final point. Emptiness. Since there was a lack of relationship so evident in this sexual encounter, I feel like the something missing is equivalent to the "emptiness". And that emptiness is the relationship I desire to be in one day, Hopefully soon. Third time is a charm.... and by this I mean third sexual partner is a charm... C'mon Universe, I implore you. I love thee nonetheless. Ah, what a synchronistic. This is so beautifully pleasant. I love it.
Wow, way to end off with a bang. 3... that's such a powerful number! Ah! :)
Chi-mig-wetch! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)