Drama

I've noticed that I , or may appear to be in a mood. I'm seriously not trying to do this on purpose. It will be remedied later today... Promise. :)

7:11

There are many emotions involved in everything.

I think it is challenging to really pin-point them, every single one of them at one given time, unless, of course one is really attuned with their feelings. I read this incredible article the other day on generic question asking, it was absolutely in alignment with this... (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html). And as much as we try to be, I think that there are always elements in our lives we are unable to decipher, unsure of how to do so...

My life right now seems a bit like that. My canvas is all sorts of colours, many events in my life, taking place right now, reflect this.

The other day I was feeling rather grim about my sister and our relationship together. We talked a little bit yesterday and that seemed to help, mended it, bandaged up the feelings for the time being. Although I will not know how well...until later... Perhaps I will return to this in a later post...My posts as of late seem to be on the same topic.

For now, I will share my feelings, the ones I can pull out of myself and write on this page, to help figure out this blotching, dark, messy, all kinds of super wonderful painting that keeps on being created. This section of the canvas anyway...

FEAR: I read somewhere, probably in some of these pretty amazing emails I get from a special place- Enlightened Beings, that whenever the ego is scared, it's usually always the ego and not the soul that is fearful, it is because of the fear of being annihilated. I'm scared of things I won't know I am scared of until they cross my path, I'm not typically a person afraid, but with obliteration in mind and it's application to the current situation I am in. I would say the most prominent fear I have is... losing my sister, being so far passed the repairable parts of our relationship that we are left with the fragments, ONLY the fragments. I told her yesterday that her, as my sister and all, she is supposed* (I tried to get rid of this word, as the vibration it carries is not of benefit, but it came out) to be the closest person I feel I can share with, and share safely with. Yet, she is currently the person that I find most difficult to communicate with, as I kind of don't know myself, what to share with her and how to go about doing that. So, fear, I'm scared of losing her, of losing a piece of me that she has always and will continue to carry with her.... The piece I cannot distinguish at this moment. But if I had to say something about it, I would say that this piece is a valuable part, as she is the person who has always been with me, growing up, experiencing the same things as me, home life. etc, in a different manner, through her own eyes, through her own heart, through her own thoughts, etc. So, fear, I acknowledge your presence. But I do not choose to be fearful anymore.

JEALOUSY/ENVY: According to the built-in dictionary I have on my computer this is the definition of  Jealousy. jealous |ˈjeləs|

adjective

feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages : he grew jealous of her success.

• feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship : a jealous boyfriend.

• fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions : Howard is still a little jealous of his authority | they kept a jealous eye over their interests.

Basically, what my jealousy comes down to, is a place of deeply-rooted hurt. I am jealous of the fact that I don't know half the things I feel I should* know. IF I take a look at this further I shouldn't really know anything but what I do already, regarding my sister, but I feel entitled to know because she is my SISTER! That's reason enough, according to me, but whatever she feels is best for her is exactly what she is doing. It is not personal. The entitlement I feel is based on an I-have-always-been-here-for-you-and-you-not-sharing-indicates-to-me-that-you-don't acknowledge-that kind of place. Yes, I would love to know what is going on in my sister's life, after all I thought I was a part of it but it is more about me being jealous of her sharing her life with others- namely, her boyfriend, while I am left in the dark. SHe has told me that she will share with me, when the timing is right. I guess I need to recognize the timing for her and the timing for me being right are both different, as we each have our own respective routines and schedules. Her not opening up to me about the going-ons of her life makes me feel like I'm not there, I'm ignored and not recognized as someone whom she feels comfortable sharing with. I feel, to a certain extent invisible, erased, like I am some kind of ugly doodle, someone drew in pencil, lightly and then erased. The thing is, I am the instrument, the pencil, the pen, whatever, so whatever it is that someone would draw, they'd have me there, without a shadow of a doubt, unless, of course, they loose the instrument, but that is another story altogether. Jealousy is a waste of energy yet I cannot merely wipe it away with a cloth, as though a mark on a window, it seems to be more ingrained into the glass, an etching.... not saying that my foundations are jealousy. But jealousy, envy, again, deals with fear of ego dying. And if you didn't get the memo, ego will do whatever it can, absolutely everything possible, to survive. Anyways, another thing that perhaps I am jealousy of, I'm still working out this one in my head as I write it, is not being a part of her accomplishments because of not knowing of them, or not being a part of the process. inevitably I am, since I am a part of her life, but my fEElings are there, they just are... I need no validation I am a soul living in a beautiful human body, having a human experience and a part of that is feeling some of the things humans feel, like that of jealousy. I am not devoid of these emotions; however, I recognize that it is a choice and today, I choose to be happy, NO MATTER WHAT. So dear jealousy, I greet you as a part of me, a part of the dark side of my ego, and I know you need to exist, however faintly, in order for me to appreciate and belief that things will happen in Divine time. The Universe, is, after all, on my side. :)

CONFUSION/ LACK OF UNDERSTANDING: Put simply, I do not understand why she has to, feels she has to go through this process of great change and not include me. In reference to the above, I understand that things will occur in Divine time, so with time I will learn of the things she has been presently experiencing. I don't know now, which is again, coming back to ego, instantly gratifying the need ego has to know NOW. It's driving my ego crazy because I have no control over it... but listen to this... This is golden: Let go of the need to control and just be. Amazing, right? letting go of the need to control is such a grand thing and a practice best perfected. It's judgement that is prevent communication, I feel...

RESENTMENT: As probably mentioned above, resentment is felt through and through because of the lack of knowing I have about her experience. I know I can only imagine what it is she is going through and not really know at all because I am not going through what she is myself and if I were, being a different soul having a different human experience, I would naturally experience things different than her. But resentment has already been mentioned in it's unique faces of jealousy, fear, confusion and pain.

HURT/PAIN: At the core of this, is my feeling of pain. I am hurt that I feel ignored by someone I thought loved me, I am hurt that I feel I cannot communicate openly & fully with someone I thought was there for me. I feel hurt that I feel she feels she needs to sensor herself from me. I feel hurt that she feels I am judgemental to the point of non-sharing. I feel hurt that I feel she doesn't recognize to the same degree, our relationship is snared at the edges and unraveling. I am hurt that I feel confused, I am hurt that I choose to feel these things. I am hurt that it is my own doing: my undoing. I am hurt that out of a situation I had no control over, I have been (in)directly involved with that I have been placed in a position to feel any of these things. I feel hurt that I feel punished for something I don't fully understand... I feel hurt, I feel hurt, I feel hurt!

But it is okay... you're living this experience Natasza, FOR A REASON. These feelings are good, it means you yourself are working out and through something that is part of the Divine Plan, your Divine Path.

Having released these feelings onto this blog makes me feels loads lighter.

Chi-mig-wetch Universe.

I embrace you, I embrace myself and I thank-you for allowing me this outlet to move up, out and beyond and have allowed me to see this situation in a different light.

Chi-mig-wetch Universe Chi-mig-wetch!

10:10

today is

your Birthday!

Your privacy has turned into evasiveness, madness even... Is it you or is it me that keeps on wedging us further and further apart?....Both, probably.

I am not perfect, I know this... so, am I to bring this up with you and recognize simply that it is your path, to do what you will, as you intend to do it? I am not identifying as a victim, I refuse to, I feel though you're ignoring me. Perhaps I need to be more direct with my feelings and share them with you?? You are changing, I am changing, we are all changing... for the better and all as we are meant to.

A part of me is saying, I don't deserve this, but I know that it is not something you are doing to me, trying to at least, on purpose. It is my perception of it all, your energy, your vibration, your actions when you are around me and how that subsequently makes me feel.  I understand, you are doing what you need to do, for you. Being selfish is good, it is. Sometimes. But then again it is lonely, I feel lonely. Part of that is my own doing, actually to be more accurate, all of it is.  But it is really lonely to be so close to someone yet, so far from them at the same time. I have mentioned this on more then one occasion.

This is difficult because I feel like our communication is becoming lax again. You do not know my plans, I do not know yours. I do and I do not like this. I like this because it keeps my plans private- what is the point of sharing something with someone when they are not going to be receptive of it? I do not like this because you seem to think you have a lot of time... and while time is a manmade construct and we must change our relationship and ties with time, I do not intend to be here in the fall, so whatever it is you have in your mind, your plan to be a certain somewhere at a certain time, well, I may not be there to experience what it is you would like me to experience, with or without you.  I am not trying to be harsh, simply realistic.

I'm hurt, no doubt, by this and especially seeing you everyday without the same relationship we used to have is a living reminder of that pain and I don't like that one bit.

It's frustrating and annoying, and beautiful and craZy, and wonderful and terrifying and happy and sad and nerve-wracking and exhilarating  all at the same time to want to have control over the uncontrollable.         I don't know what to do about it.    Need I approach or retreat?

I'm trying to go with the flow and see where things go, but that is proving rather challenging...

It's hard to divorce yourself from something that you are so intimately connected to, distance yourself from it.... Blarg.