I've come to think alot about this part of my life... called my relationship with my dad- my father. It's a long story, way too long for me to get into the nitty, gritty details here. But basically what you need to know is that he is a very temperamental guy. He has become someone which whom is extremely difficult to be around. He takes everything seriously. Even when an attempt is made to lighten the mood. In fact he gets angry when a joke or face is made. He takes everything painfully, personally. And is OBSESSED with the ideas and concepts of REJECTION, LONELINESS, SADNESS, SORROW & REGRET, among many others, as they have been frequent characters in the movie that is his life. He is always living and coming from a space and place of lack as opposed to gain. He criticizes, makes negative and hurtful comments, he judges and is completely energy consuming, energy depleting and absolutely exhausting to be around. Plain and simple.
Sure, he's had plenty of pain in his life, we all have. It is a great and glorious part of life. It's what makes us grow- up and become better beings. But where most people learn to let their pasts go, my father has taken it upon himself to carry the full weight of every event, small and BIG that has transformed him into the person he is. It's like 13000 balls and chains, if not more. I am sharing this because in spite of how personal it is. It relieves and releases so much by writing and talking about it. I could go into all the details, but I will not because it is not necessary. Since it is already known and understood that "....every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way."
In short, what happened yesterday afternoon, my father was driving us kids around, with our cousin that was visiting. It was around the Cherry Beach Area, and after pulling out of a gas station, my father decided to bust out in an angry rage and a swearing vulgarity fit. It was not at all pleasant. Some have road rage, my father has it 10 fold. We all were telling him to calm down, except my cousin who was just sitting there. Because, you know, having someone yelling even if it isn't at you, is a very negative environment to be in. Not to mention embarrassing to be with someone who cannot control their anger. It ended with him saying an unrelenting, "FUCK YOU" to all of us. Yeah that's right, his own children and in front of our cousin to boot, his nephew (?). What a great impression eh??
He later apologized.... twice as if that would do anything.... He has done this before too, where he would go to the extreme in something and think that an apology would suffice to remedy it.... Really, it doesn't make much sense if you ask me.... I mean, why do something you are later going to regret, or try to justify by saying "I'm sorry". There are only so many times that that can actually be rendered reasonable and an acceptable means of recognizing your wrong doing.... Soon enough though they do become meaningless words that are merely redundant.... You know? Instead I think it far better to stop and think before opening your mouth, or acting. But so many people, and my father falls into this category, act too irrationally and impulsively. They simply do not think. Granted family is family and families practice forgiveness. Despite it being an art and a virtue seldom practiced in today's world, but simply because that is the case does not warrant behaviour that is deemed "forgiveable". In contrast, people too often abuse the kindness and sincerity of those that forgive. It's a privilege, not all are entitled to.
ANyways. My dad was dropping us off at our mom's at the end of the night and I spoke with him about the whole "F*** YOu" incident and he went on to say that I've lost all caring and love for him. He claims it has been ever since his remarriage to a women who was understood to be some relative of his.... who knows(?). Either way, the bottom line here is he said a lot of hurtful things to me. And while I was having this "conversation" (I don't really want to call it a conversation, but for all intensive purposes I think that's what it was...) my heart was racing... a mile a minute and it didn't start to calm down until I was out of my father's presence. But this just goes to show you that some people are not cut out for this world.
I am a positivist, a believer, and I practice kindness. It is definitely difficult though when I have someone in my life that is all BLACk.... He also went as far as to take a jab at what find of posts I have on my facebook, about positive ways of living... and such, quotes to live by that make things properly put into perspective. Things I like and recognize.
I didn't appreciate that, who would? Then again I have to remind myself that it's his story that he is projecting. It's nothing about me, per se, but it's about him... And it's true. His poor soul is suffering...
Wow, that's longer than I had anticipated.... back to "How I Met your Mother! " :)
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