Yesterday my mom told me that I am on the defence and that with her I shouldn't feel like I need to justify myself, shouldn't feel like I am under attack and that I shouldn't take things so damn personally...Well, that was a hard hit! ... How can I not feel the need to defend, when such comments are thrown my way, like daggers, or better put, darts.
I try to not take things personally... Really... It's kinda a hard task. Given the selfishness of two-leggeds. I know it is good to be selfish, sometimes ~ coming back to this balance theme, mentioned in a previous post. After all, we're alone when we are born and we are alone when we die, unless there is some homicide/suicidal romantic gesture such as portrayed in Romeo and Juliet, but even then, ultimately, the two souls being released from those two bodies are off exploring new adventures and walking their own new paths. Impermanence is the term I am looking for here. Our lives, here on this Earth, in this human Art form are temporary, temporary, temporary! It is only the life in between birth and death that we have the potential to not be alone, to make friends, make lovers, make partners, make family and walk with these people that are a apart of our lives, if only for the duration of our lives. These people whom are all equal to us and are, deeply at their core, LOVE.
What I know is this... even though my mom is my mom and I do love her dearly, more than words can say and she says and does things coming from the goodness of her heart. I am bothered by how directive (from what I understand) she feels she needs to be with my life. it is MY life... I don't appreciate the controlling nature of parents... yes, my dad might as well be fitted in there too. Do this Cinderalli, do that Cinderelli, Goddess, it feels like a whirlwind sometimes. Big Breath. Holy Goddess.
The other thing she mentioned was, "you need to go within and ask yourself if this line of thinking/ way of behaving is something that serves your highest and greatest good?"... Really mom, really? Again, to reiterate, this is MY path, MY path - the one I am walking here on the dark side of the street choosing to be a certain way, choosing to live my truth, as it feels it is mine right now. Yes, that gorgeous Mr. Sun is shining outside, but it is frigid cold out there too. And well, I am exactly where I need to be in my life, as of now. And maybe it is not something that serves my greatest and highest good, but it serves me on this part on my journey, at least for the time being...
I know I need to stop and think before I speak and speak only from my heart... the good place and embrace the darkness within me. These things are always, seem to be, easier said than done.
I don't like where I am now. This is something I recognize and a place I have been for a while something that I am hoping to change, something I believe will. When the time is right... I was told that being gentle with yourself is better than being hard on yourself, so I am going to practice that for a little while, see where it takes me.
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