Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Drama
I've noticed that I , or may appear to be in a mood. I'm seriously not trying to do this on purpose. It will be remedied later today... Promise. :)
7:11
There are many emotions involved in everything.
I think it is challenging to really pin-point them, every single one of them at one given time, unless, of course one is really attuned with their feelings. I read this incredible article the other day on generic question asking, it was absolutely in alignment with this... (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html). And as much as we try to be, I think that there are always elements in our lives we are unable to decipher, unsure of how to do so...
My life right now seems a bit like that. My canvas is all sorts of colours, many events in my life, taking place right now, reflect this.
The other day I was feeling rather grim about my sister and our relationship together. We talked a little bit yesterday and that seemed to help, mended it, bandaged up the feelings for the time being. Although I will not know how well...until later... Perhaps I will return to this in a later post...My posts as of late seem to be on the same topic.
For now, I will share my feelings, the ones I can pull out of myself and write on this page, to help figure out this blotching, dark, messy, all kinds of super wonderful painting that keeps on being created. This section of the canvas anyway...
FEAR: I read somewhere, probably in some of these pretty amazing emails I get from a special place- Enlightened Beings, that whenever the ego is scared, it's usually always the ego and not the soul that is fearful, it is because of the fear of being annihilated. I'm scared of things I won't know I am scared of until they cross my path, I'm not typically a person afraid, but with obliteration in mind and it's application to the current situation I am in. I would say the most prominent fear I have is... losing my sister, being so far passed the repairable parts of our relationship that we are left with the fragments, ONLY the fragments. I told her yesterday that her, as my sister and all, she is supposed* (I tried to get rid of this word, as the vibration it carries is not of benefit, but it came out) to be the closest person I feel I can share with, and share safely with. Yet, she is currently the person that I find most difficult to communicate with, as I kind of don't know myself, what to share with her and how to go about doing that. So, fear, I'm scared of losing her, of losing a piece of me that she has always and will continue to carry with her.... The piece I cannot distinguish at this moment. But if I had to say something about it, I would say that this piece is a valuable part, as she is the person who has always been with me, growing up, experiencing the same things as me, home life. etc, in a different manner, through her own eyes, through her own heart, through her own thoughts, etc. So, fear, I acknowledge your presence. But I do not choose to be fearful anymore.
JEALOUSY/ENVY: According to the built-in dictionary I have on my computer this is the definition of Jealousy. jealous |ˈjeləs|
HURT/PAIN: At the core of this, is my feeling of pain. I am hurt that I feel ignored by someone I thought loved me, I am hurt that I feel I cannot communicate openly & fully with someone I thought was there for me. I feel hurt that I feel she feels she needs to sensor herself from me. I feel hurt that she feels I am judgemental to the point of non-sharing. I feel hurt that I feel she doesn't recognize to the same degree, our relationship is snared at the edges and unraveling. I am hurt that I feel confused, I am hurt that I choose to feel these things. I am hurt that it is my own doing: my undoing. I am hurt that out of a situation I had no control over, I have been (in)directly involved with that I have been placed in a position to feel any of these things. I feel hurt that I feel punished for something I don't fully understand... I feel hurt, I feel hurt, I feel hurt!
But it is okay... you're living this experience Natasza, FOR A REASON. These feelings are good, it means you yourself are working out and through something that is part of the Divine Plan, your Divine Path.
Having released these feelings onto this blog makes me feels loads lighter.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe.
I embrace you, I embrace myself and I thank-you for allowing me this outlet to move up, out and beyond and have allowed me to see this situation in a different light.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe Chi-mig-wetch!
10:10
I think it is challenging to really pin-point them, every single one of them at one given time, unless, of course one is really attuned with their feelings. I read this incredible article the other day on generic question asking, it was absolutely in alignment with this... (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/the-questions-that-will-save-your-relationships_b_4618254.html). And as much as we try to be, I think that there are always elements in our lives we are unable to decipher, unsure of how to do so...
My life right now seems a bit like that. My canvas is all sorts of colours, many events in my life, taking place right now, reflect this.
The other day I was feeling rather grim about my sister and our relationship together. We talked a little bit yesterday and that seemed to help, mended it, bandaged up the feelings for the time being. Although I will not know how well...until later... Perhaps I will return to this in a later post...My posts as of late seem to be on the same topic.
For now, I will share my feelings, the ones I can pull out of myself and write on this page, to help figure out this blotching, dark, messy, all kinds of super wonderful painting that keeps on being created. This section of the canvas anyway...
FEAR: I read somewhere, probably in some of these pretty amazing emails I get from a special place- Enlightened Beings, that whenever the ego is scared, it's usually always the ego and not the soul that is fearful, it is because of the fear of being annihilated. I'm scared of things I won't know I am scared of until they cross my path, I'm not typically a person afraid, but with obliteration in mind and it's application to the current situation I am in. I would say the most prominent fear I have is... losing my sister, being so far passed the repairable parts of our relationship that we are left with the fragments, ONLY the fragments. I told her yesterday that her, as my sister and all, she is supposed* (I tried to get rid of this word, as the vibration it carries is not of benefit, but it came out) to be the closest person I feel I can share with, and share safely with. Yet, she is currently the person that I find most difficult to communicate with, as I kind of don't know myself, what to share with her and how to go about doing that. So, fear, I'm scared of losing her, of losing a piece of me that she has always and will continue to carry with her.... The piece I cannot distinguish at this moment. But if I had to say something about it, I would say that this piece is a valuable part, as she is the person who has always been with me, growing up, experiencing the same things as me, home life. etc, in a different manner, through her own eyes, through her own heart, through her own thoughts, etc. So, fear, I acknowledge your presence. But I do not choose to be fearful anymore.
JEALOUSY/ENVY: According to the built-in dictionary I have on my computer this is the definition of Jealousy. jealous |ˈjeləs|
adjective
feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages : he grew jealous of her success.
• feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship : a jealous boyfriend.
• fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions : Howard is still a little jealous of his authority | they kept a jealous eye over their interests.
Basically, what my jealousy comes down to, is a place of deeply-rooted hurt. I am jealous of the fact that I don't know half the things I feel I should* know. IF I take a look at this further I shouldn't really know anything but what I do already, regarding my sister, but I feel entitled to know because she is my SISTER! That's reason enough, according to me, but whatever she feels is best for her is exactly what she is doing. It is not personal. The entitlement I feel is based on an I-have-always-been-here-for-you-and-you-not-sharing-indicates-to-me-that-you-don't acknowledge-that kind of place. Yes, I would love to know what is going on in my sister's life, after all I thought I was a part of it but it is more about me being jealous of her sharing her life with others- namely, her boyfriend, while I am left in the dark. SHe has told me that she will share with me, when the timing is right. I guess I need to recognize the timing for her and the timing for me being right are both different, as we each have our own respective routines and schedules. Her not opening up to me about the going-ons of her life makes me feel like I'm not there, I'm ignored and not recognized as someone whom she feels comfortable sharing with. I feel, to a certain extent invisible, erased, like I am some kind of ugly doodle, someone drew in pencil, lightly and then erased. The thing is, I am the instrument, the pencil, the pen, whatever, so whatever it is that someone would draw, they'd have me there, without a shadow of a doubt, unless, of course, they loose the instrument, but that is another story altogether. Jealousy is a waste of energy yet I cannot merely wipe it away with a cloth, as though a mark on a window, it seems to be more ingrained into the glass, an etching.... not saying that my foundations are jealousy. But jealousy, envy, again, deals with fear of ego dying. And if you didn't get the memo, ego will do whatever it can, absolutely everything possible, to survive. Anyways, another thing that perhaps I am jealousy of, I'm still working out this one in my head as I write it, is not being a part of her accomplishments because of not knowing of them, or not being a part of the process. inevitably I am, since I am a part of her life, but my fEElings are there, they just are... I need no validation I am a soul living in a beautiful human body, having a human experience and a part of that is feeling some of the things humans feel, like that of jealousy. I am not devoid of these emotions; however, I recognize that it is a choice and today, I choose to be happy, NO MATTER WHAT. So dear jealousy, I greet you as a part of me, a part of the dark side of my ego, and I know you need to exist, however faintly, in order for me to appreciate and belief that things will happen in Divine time. The Universe, is, after all, on my side. :)
CONFUSION/ LACK OF UNDERSTANDING: Put simply, I do not understand why she has to, feels she has to go through this process of great change and not include me. In reference to the above, I understand that things will occur in Divine time, so with time I will learn of the things she has been presently experiencing. I don't know now, which is again, coming back to ego, instantly gratifying the need ego has to know NOW. It's driving my ego crazy because I have no control over it... but listen to this... This is golden: Let go of the need to control and just be. Amazing, right? letting go of the need to control is such a grand thing and a practice best perfected. It's judgement that is prevent communication, I feel...
RESENTMENT: As probably mentioned above, resentment is felt through and through because of the lack of knowing I have about her experience. I know I can only imagine what it is she is going through and not really know at all because I am not going through what she is myself and if I were, being a different soul having a different human experience, I would naturally experience things different than her. But resentment has already been mentioned in it's unique faces of jealousy, fear, confusion and pain.HURT/PAIN: At the core of this, is my feeling of pain. I am hurt that I feel ignored by someone I thought loved me, I am hurt that I feel I cannot communicate openly & fully with someone I thought was there for me. I feel hurt that I feel she feels she needs to sensor herself from me. I feel hurt that she feels I am judgemental to the point of non-sharing. I feel hurt that I feel she doesn't recognize to the same degree, our relationship is snared at the edges and unraveling. I am hurt that I feel confused, I am hurt that I choose to feel these things. I am hurt that it is my own doing: my undoing. I am hurt that out of a situation I had no control over, I have been (in)directly involved with that I have been placed in a position to feel any of these things. I feel hurt that I feel punished for something I don't fully understand... I feel hurt, I feel hurt, I feel hurt!
But it is okay... you're living this experience Natasza, FOR A REASON. These feelings are good, it means you yourself are working out and through something that is part of the Divine Plan, your Divine Path.
Having released these feelings onto this blog makes me feels loads lighter.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe.
I embrace you, I embrace myself and I thank-you for allowing me this outlet to move up, out and beyond and have allowed me to see this situation in a different light.
Chi-mig-wetch Universe Chi-mig-wetch!
10:10
Monday, 27 January 2014
today is
your Birthday!
Your privacy has turned into evasiveness, madness even... Is it you or is it me that keeps on wedging us further and further apart?....Both, probably.
I am not perfect, I know this... so, am I to bring this up with you and recognize simply that it is your path, to do what you will, as you intend to do it? I am not identifying as a victim, I refuse to, I feel though you're ignoring me. Perhaps I need to be more direct with my feelings and share them with you?? You are changing, I am changing, we are all changing... for the better and all as we are meant to.
A part of me is saying, I don't deserve this, but I know that it is not something you are doing to me, trying to at least, on purpose. It is my perception of it all, your energy, your vibration, your actions when you are around me and how that subsequently makes me feel. I understand, you are doing what you need to do, for you. Being selfish is good, it is. Sometimes. But then again it is lonely, I feel lonely. Part of that is my own doing, actually to be more accurate, all of it is. But it is really lonely to be so close to someone yet, so far from them at the same time. I have mentioned this on more then one occasion.
This is difficult because I feel like our communication is becoming lax again. You do not know my plans, I do not know yours. I do and I do not like this. I like this because it keeps my plans private- what is the point of sharing something with someone when they are not going to be receptive of it? I do not like this because you seem to think you have a lot of time... and while time is a manmade construct and we must change our relationship and ties with time, I do not intend to be here in the fall, so whatever it is you have in your mind, your plan to be a certain somewhere at a certain time, well, I may not be there to experience what it is you would like me to experience, with or without you. I am not trying to be harsh, simply realistic.
I'm hurt, no doubt, by this and especially seeing you everyday without the same relationship we used to have is a living reminder of that pain and I don't like that one bit.
It's frustrating and annoying, and beautiful and craZy, and wonderful and terrifying and happy and sad and nerve-wracking and exhilarating all at the same time to want to have control over the uncontrollable. I don't know what to do about it. Need I approach or retreat?
I'm trying to go with the flow and see where things go, but that is proving rather challenging...
It's hard to divorce yourself from something that you are so intimately connected to, distance yourself from it.... Blarg.
Your privacy has turned into evasiveness, madness even... Is it you or is it me that keeps on wedging us further and further apart?....Both, probably.
I am not perfect, I know this... so, am I to bring this up with you and recognize simply that it is your path, to do what you will, as you intend to do it? I am not identifying as a victim, I refuse to, I feel though you're ignoring me. Perhaps I need to be more direct with my feelings and share them with you?? You are changing, I am changing, we are all changing... for the better and all as we are meant to.
A part of me is saying, I don't deserve this, but I know that it is not something you are doing to me, trying to at least, on purpose. It is my perception of it all, your energy, your vibration, your actions when you are around me and how that subsequently makes me feel. I understand, you are doing what you need to do, for you. Being selfish is good, it is. Sometimes. But then again it is lonely, I feel lonely. Part of that is my own doing, actually to be more accurate, all of it is. But it is really lonely to be so close to someone yet, so far from them at the same time. I have mentioned this on more then one occasion.
This is difficult because I feel like our communication is becoming lax again. You do not know my plans, I do not know yours. I do and I do not like this. I like this because it keeps my plans private- what is the point of sharing something with someone when they are not going to be receptive of it? I do not like this because you seem to think you have a lot of time... and while time is a manmade construct and we must change our relationship and ties with time, I do not intend to be here in the fall, so whatever it is you have in your mind, your plan to be a certain somewhere at a certain time, well, I may not be there to experience what it is you would like me to experience, with or without you. I am not trying to be harsh, simply realistic.
I'm hurt, no doubt, by this and especially seeing you everyday without the same relationship we used to have is a living reminder of that pain and I don't like that one bit.
It's frustrating and annoying, and beautiful and craZy, and wonderful and terrifying and happy and sad and nerve-wracking and exhilarating all at the same time to want to have control over the uncontrollable. I don't know what to do about it. Need I approach or retreat?
I'm trying to go with the flow and see where things go, but that is proving rather challenging...
It's hard to divorce yourself from something that you are so intimately connected to, distance yourself from it.... Blarg.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Today is one of those days where you haven't gotten enough sleep, so you are going stir crazy and veering on the side of delirium, if not already there.
Back up a few hours ago.... I went to sleep at around 1:30 in the morning, only to wake up a few- not even about an 1:45 minutes later to the sound of my brother puking...... WONDERFUL..... Today is the day of the Winter Solstice.... I feel a tonne of energy bouncing around in my body..... I really do need to take that walk, or RUN, just RUN, anywhere, probably to my favourite tree.
I'm furious that things are/ have not.... been appearing to work themselves out.... for me, in my life... but the thing I need to keep in mind is that things are exactly as they need to be.... I am experiencing a slump in my life, because it's time that I really reflect... GO WITHIN and see what's there for re-creating & co-creating.
I'm upset that it feels like I'm alone.... But I've decided that the best thing I can do for myself, is go meditate, meditate with my trEE and so that is where you can find me.... the place where all seems unclear and everything is demystified and made to be crystal clear!!!
BoooYA. I'm done with these feelings of victimization!
Back up a few hours ago.... I went to sleep at around 1:30 in the morning, only to wake up a few- not even about an 1:45 minutes later to the sound of my brother puking...... WONDERFUL..... Today is the day of the Winter Solstice.... I feel a tonne of energy bouncing around in my body..... I really do need to take that walk, or RUN, just RUN, anywhere, probably to my favourite tree.
I'm furious that things are/ have not.... been appearing to work themselves out.... for me, in my life... but the thing I need to keep in mind is that things are exactly as they need to be.... I am experiencing a slump in my life, because it's time that I really reflect... GO WITHIN and see what's there for re-creating & co-creating.
I'm upset that it feels like I'm alone.... But I've decided that the best thing I can do for myself, is go meditate, meditate with my trEE and so that is where you can find me.... the place where all seems unclear and everything is demystified and made to be crystal clear!!!
BoooYA. I'm done with these feelings of victimization!
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Life as simple...
Last night I watched the Hunger Games, HA, you would think after all this time that I would know better than to get caught up in celebrity life, or the movie itself. Do you ever lose yourself in the plot? And wish that some aspects of the story line apply to your life? Ha, I do that, more often than i would like to and it always come back to being in a partnership... It's ridiculous because really life is not like anything they portray in the movies... It's messy, it's challenging and not at all as pretty as they make it out to be.
Truth is, I wouldn't like any other life but this one and sometimes I have to come to that realization and reality of living my life in all its stumbling beauty.
That's it!
Truth is, I wouldn't like any other life but this one and sometimes I have to come to that realization and reality of living my life in all its stumbling beauty.
That's it!
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Attraction & Jealousy
Last night I wrote a letter to a friend of mine from a volunteer program five years back.
I was telling her about my two sexual partners that I have had. Ha, as I dawned on what I was writing a thought ran through my mind, like a film shot... Attraction, what is attraction? I had written down that my last (sex) partner had been someone I would not usually, find attractive and it hit me, attraction is something that is, not only subjective, but it's something we have very little control over. Almost like, we can't help who we love/ have a liking to, it just happens! Our feelings are our feelings.
And then I realized, physically he was far from the ideal mate for me, but emotionally and spiritually we found a lot of comfort in one another. Even though it was just a one night thing. And this was back in September, so this is somewhat outdated or, old news. However, it feels relevant to the recent act of writing that letter to my friend. And so, I thought I'd share it.
My next segment is on jealousy.
I am just going to be really forthright and say that I am jealous of two people that are and have been semi-in-my-life. One of them, Jackee* the other A*. A* and I are closer than Jackee* and I are, however they are still considered acquaintances if not, friends. They live in a small town where my other friend goes to school, which is approximately 2 hours away from Toronto, where I live. This is no doubt destructive behaviour toward my own self, to be jealous of them, for separate reasons, yet I am. And I am hoping this blog post will help me work through those feelings.
Here is why the jealousy sparks in me...
For me, many things continue to fall back onto, me not being in a relationship. Its sad that I attribute part of my happiness to this (missing) aspect in my life, but I do. Jackee* has been lucky, she was in a year relationship with the guy I slept with and referenced above. Since they broke up, probably close to seven, eight months ago now. She has found another partner. And they have already experienced going on a one month trip together. It's great they did that and learned many things about the culture and people of Peru. Peru is where they went, if that wasn't clear. But I envy the fact she has found someone that so easily has connected with her, on all levels! Exactly what I am seeking, like many of us are. Since I am not close with her, it is hard to come to the conclusion of her true happiness and to sincerely know what her life is like. Heck, I only get streams of it from newsfeeds on facebook, which filters someone's life and makes it totally unlike the actual experience of living or what their life is actually like. I do not know her enough as a person to know what she has been through. She's kind, from what I remember her sharing with a friend of mine, about me needing to spend more time in Peterborough. And I'd really not like to judge or compare my life to hers because she is rightly on her own path and so feeling jealous of where she is, does nothing for me, but harm me. And really, why would I like to harm myself? We are all on this Earth together, if something bad ever happened to her, or if her life took a wrong turn I know I would not feel any better about myself. Because of the person I am, I would do anything in my power to help her out. I would not like to see her, or anyone suffer.
The other person I envy and covet the life of is A*. She is someone that, as happy as I am she is in my life, I also feel like she has such a wonderful life. She lives in Petey-town with her two roommates and loves anything and all things farming. She has aspirations for herself to which I have no idea of. I feel like she sensors me in her life, or is not as open as I would like her to be online, bcs she is more of an open in person kind of an individual. And it hurts to know I need to put in so much effort to learn about the going-ons in her life. TO be honest, since I am stating all of this. She is a Sagittarius, yes people can choose to get along with everyone, and decide to not put unnecessary boundaries between them and others, yet I feel sometimes like she makes things seem easier than what they are, because of her life experience and sometimes she projects her views onto me, to a point where I feel like she is undermining my own opinion and making me think (this is very much a characteristic of a Sagg.)... Granted, I am sure I could use the extra space to THINK, but I would think that a friend wouldn't do these things intentionally. And I am sure she is not trying to and I am probably building this so far up in my head that it gets blown through the roof. But again, I feel like she has certain perceptions and that really dramatically impacts her life.
I need to find the point in myself where these feelings about others, gets turned back onto feelings about myself. So this is what I have so far and will continue to progress from here.
1.) I am not in a relationship and I need to discover many things about myself before embarking on a journey with anyone else
2.) I am still living at home. While I love the feeling of having a full house, my brother, my sister and my mom all live here, I would also love to live on my own. Away from my family, so I can grapple at the success of fending for myself. Learning what it all means to truly live on your own and support yourself.
3.)...... to be continued.
* names have been altered
I was telling her about my two sexual partners that I have had. Ha, as I dawned on what I was writing a thought ran through my mind, like a film shot... Attraction, what is attraction? I had written down that my last (sex) partner had been someone I would not usually, find attractive and it hit me, attraction is something that is, not only subjective, but it's something we have very little control over. Almost like, we can't help who we love/ have a liking to, it just happens! Our feelings are our feelings.
And then I realized, physically he was far from the ideal mate for me, but emotionally and spiritually we found a lot of comfort in one another. Even though it was just a one night thing. And this was back in September, so this is somewhat outdated or, old news. However, it feels relevant to the recent act of writing that letter to my friend. And so, I thought I'd share it.
My next segment is on jealousy.
I am just going to be really forthright and say that I am jealous of two people that are and have been semi-in-my-life. One of them, Jackee* the other A*. A* and I are closer than Jackee* and I are, however they are still considered acquaintances if not, friends. They live in a small town where my other friend goes to school, which is approximately 2 hours away from Toronto, where I live. This is no doubt destructive behaviour toward my own self, to be jealous of them, for separate reasons, yet I am. And I am hoping this blog post will help me work through those feelings.
Here is why the jealousy sparks in me...
For me, many things continue to fall back onto, me not being in a relationship. Its sad that I attribute part of my happiness to this (missing) aspect in my life, but I do. Jackee* has been lucky, she was in a year relationship with the guy I slept with and referenced above. Since they broke up, probably close to seven, eight months ago now. She has found another partner. And they have already experienced going on a one month trip together. It's great they did that and learned many things about the culture and people of Peru. Peru is where they went, if that wasn't clear. But I envy the fact she has found someone that so easily has connected with her, on all levels! Exactly what I am seeking, like many of us are. Since I am not close with her, it is hard to come to the conclusion of her true happiness and to sincerely know what her life is like. Heck, I only get streams of it from newsfeeds on facebook, which filters someone's life and makes it totally unlike the actual experience of living or what their life is actually like. I do not know her enough as a person to know what she has been through. She's kind, from what I remember her sharing with a friend of mine, about me needing to spend more time in Peterborough. And I'd really not like to judge or compare my life to hers because she is rightly on her own path and so feeling jealous of where she is, does nothing for me, but harm me. And really, why would I like to harm myself? We are all on this Earth together, if something bad ever happened to her, or if her life took a wrong turn I know I would not feel any better about myself. Because of the person I am, I would do anything in my power to help her out. I would not like to see her, or anyone suffer.
The other person I envy and covet the life of is A*. She is someone that, as happy as I am she is in my life, I also feel like she has such a wonderful life. She lives in Petey-town with her two roommates and loves anything and all things farming. She has aspirations for herself to which I have no idea of. I feel like she sensors me in her life, or is not as open as I would like her to be online, bcs she is more of an open in person kind of an individual. And it hurts to know I need to put in so much effort to learn about the going-ons in her life. TO be honest, since I am stating all of this. She is a Sagittarius, yes people can choose to get along with everyone, and decide to not put unnecessary boundaries between them and others, yet I feel sometimes like she makes things seem easier than what they are, because of her life experience and sometimes she projects her views onto me, to a point where I feel like she is undermining my own opinion and making me think (this is very much a characteristic of a Sagg.)... Granted, I am sure I could use the extra space to THINK, but I would think that a friend wouldn't do these things intentionally. And I am sure she is not trying to and I am probably building this so far up in my head that it gets blown through the roof. But again, I feel like she has certain perceptions and that really dramatically impacts her life.
I need to find the point in myself where these feelings about others, gets turned back onto feelings about myself. So this is what I have so far and will continue to progress from here.
1.) I am not in a relationship and I need to discover many things about myself before embarking on a journey with anyone else
2.) I am still living at home. While I love the feeling of having a full house, my brother, my sister and my mom all live here, I would also love to live on my own. Away from my family, so I can grapple at the success of fending for myself. Learning what it all means to truly live on your own and support yourself.
3.)...... to be continued.
* names have been altered
Monday, 4 November 2013
Friendship... what is it worth?
Tonight I friend of mine sent me a message. I deleted her from my phone so I didn't know who it was, I asked. After learning the identity of this person, I told her the truth of some feelings I have been having about her and her boyfriend. This was mentioned in a previous post of mine. I think I called her Angelica, in that post. In any case. She called it quits... I can't say that I am in fact really surprised, except I am. I thought perhaps her, our friendship meant more to her than it obviously came out as.
It's something small and pretty much meaningless if you take into consideration, the fact of our friendship ending because of a boy. But what can you do, sometimes people are in your life for only a short period of time, others are in it for the long haul and others still remain a part of your life, indefinitely.
A few other things, somewhat related to friendship. When I was in Peterborough last, over a month ago now, I had a liking toward someone... his name, Jack*. I didn't know what to make of it, I still don't know what to make of it, but I know that I posted something on my facebook account. He responded and kept the conversation going with another one of my friends, who I don't really talk to anymore, other than on FB and I feel, while she fulfilled the purpose of clarifying his misunderstanding, I need to admit that I was jealous... I am still feeling some of that jealousy. Perhaps not really because of her, or him, but because of myself. I feel like he is ignoring me or, disregarding what it is I said... Who likes to be negated? Ignored? NO ONE!!!! everyone loves to be recognized and it feels like I'm going craZy trying to understand people and their actions. Maybe I am not meant to understand them at all. Instead, let it all go, hang loose and just BE. It feels like I am going to break soon, just crack in two with everything going on.
Today, I haven't talked to my sister, not even once. What do you make of that??? We live in the same house... what the fuck!
This is kind of how I feel.
It's something small and pretty much meaningless if you take into consideration, the fact of our friendship ending because of a boy. But what can you do, sometimes people are in your life for only a short period of time, others are in it for the long haul and others still remain a part of your life, indefinitely.
A few other things, somewhat related to friendship. When I was in Peterborough last, over a month ago now, I had a liking toward someone... his name, Jack*. I didn't know what to make of it, I still don't know what to make of it, but I know that I posted something on my facebook account. He responded and kept the conversation going with another one of my friends, who I don't really talk to anymore, other than on FB and I feel, while she fulfilled the purpose of clarifying his misunderstanding, I need to admit that I was jealous... I am still feeling some of that jealousy. Perhaps not really because of her, or him, but because of myself. I feel like he is ignoring me or, disregarding what it is I said... Who likes to be negated? Ignored? NO ONE!!!! everyone loves to be recognized and it feels like I'm going craZy trying to understand people and their actions. Maybe I am not meant to understand them at all. Instead, let it all go, hang loose and just BE. It feels like I am going to break soon, just crack in two with everything going on.
Today, I haven't talked to my sister, not even once. What do you make of that??? We live in the same house... what the fuck!
This is kind of how I feel.
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