So I received your birthday note in the mail today... why I feel angry is this.... you sense bitterness... how, dare, you! As early as 15 minutes ago I was harbouring real punch-walls kind of anger. Now, probably in part because I am listening to calming, soothing music I no longer feel those feelings of rage and contempt!
There are a number of reasons why I was feeling the way I was on my birthday...Although there is absolutely no point in rehashing that all here. Plus I do not wish to share that with you, I do not need to explain my feelings away, until I am blue in the face!!!! C'mon, we're barely there for one another anymore. I don't really know who you are, although I have some minor knowledge in that department. And I am completely okay with us not being friends... and I also gotta say I sensed you might be sending me something in the mail... because in all honesty, I was starting to ask myself, "how could she have forgotten my birthday". Our dynamic is very interesting...
Essentially what it comes down to, in how I am these days, is feeling disappointed with where my life is right now... it is not where I would like it to be, but the good news is that it is exactly where it needs to be for the time being and I am making my peace with that. There is no need to hold negative feelings toward you because you are out and traveling, making money, being outside, meeting incredible people; "beautiful souls" (is what you mentioned in your note), all activities to which I would love to entertain... yet find it difficult because the people I meet seem to be interested in things I am not (to put it gently) and that's okay too, everyone is on their path. I do not need to feel jealousy toward you because you are doing things that I would like to be doing, because I am exactly where I need to be and you are as well, right where you need to be.
Even though your heart may be very much in the right place I do not care to share with you the going-ons of my life, because I feel I am not in a good place... but I am in reality. I am somewhere between feeling happy and content, to almost getting there too, if that is a possibility. I seem to have made it one... I need to continually remind myself to accept what is, make peace with it, and focus on my desires.. as there are plenty and plenty of this life, I would like to enjoy... So instead of wallowing in bitterness and anger and scorn, I might as well put my energy to good use and do something that will make my heart sing and that includes some of my daily tasks for the day! Furthermore, detail has no place in our friendship.... I've realized that being concise with you is perfect!
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